Painful

[LUCKYSTAR24]

I am currently going out with/dating a great guy that I have been with now for, well almost 18 months now. We have had our highs and lows, I think the most painful and confusing part of our relationship is his past.

I am a homosexual guy, whilst my partner is at the moment predominately gay, but still holds a small interest in women. He has been married to a woman, and his sexual history has been mainly with women. From our chats and conversations, he enjoyed sex with women more. Even though he divorced his wife 14 years ago - he is still cut up by it all, gets upset sometimes, and constantly talks about her. He has every letter she sent him, every photograph, and yet he has nothing from an 8 year relationship he had after with a guy.

He has said that he was tipped over the edge when his wife left him for another man, and he thus explored his bi-curious side. He now claims he is gay, but the evidence shows that he remains bi.

I dont have a problem with bi people, I myself, am bi-curious, though to put the thing into practice would be too much for me. It hurts me, when my partner shows no interest in me sexually. I appreciate his needs, and confusion, but it is painful for me also. I just dont know where I stand. When I find out he satisfies his needs on the internet consistently, and knowing he doesnt show sexual interest in me, its hard. When he was with his wife he fantasised about men, when he is with men, he fantasises about women. Its all this sneaking around indulgence that isolates him in a way and pushes others to the limit. Its almost like I will only be ever to enjoy a part of him, but never the full him. Its frustrating.

I guess people would say, dump him, let him be, we arent right for each other - blah, blah. But we get on great in every domain, and remain fond of each other. We have loads of non-sexual contact. I often wonder if he is scared of intimacy because his wife hurt him, or if he just isnt interested in me enough - relying on fanatasy that he has learnt to do.

Im babbling, Im confused - would be grateful for another perspective, if anyone would reply.

Many thanks Gareth

[the mage]

Your partner lacks confidence enough to face the opposite sex dating scene and is replacing his wants for what he thinks he can easily get.

If he is "BI" and never sought another woman after the wife left there are huge issues..

[Germanicus]

Its clear that he still grieves for his ex-wife, though I'm tempted to say that perhaps he grieves more for the relationship and what it signified. The fact that he still keeps all of her letters so many years after it ended isn't a healthy sign. If she had died, such memento mori would be understandable, but she didn't. The fact that he has no such "souvenirs" of his relationship with another man is suggestive that he has cut himself off from feelings toward other men, perhaps people per se. Again, the fact that he shows little or no physical/desire in you and the relationship, but satisfies his urges via the internet, again, in my opinion, that he has a problem with intimacy physically and emotionally.

So, what to do? Its clear your bf has some real deep-seated issues and that these were in existence before you appeared. From reading between the lines of your message I get the impression that its putting a strain on you and the relationship in one way or another. Your bf needs help to address the issues within his head and his heart and only then can you begin to have the relationship you should be having together, otherwise there is the danger that his issues will suffocate you and the relationship. You can take the first step (if you havent already done so) of trying to talk to him gently about this. Counselling ("the talking cure") could help your bf and since you live in Brighton there might be counselling via a local LBGT organisation.

Good luck and keep us updated