I Have Yet Another Problem...

[strawberry8302]

Yes, this problem has to deal with my mom too, just like the last one. Ok. My mom knows that I'm bi, but she defines it as being "curious". Now, I think she accepted the fact that I'm "curious" in her own words, but I think she only accepted it because she didn't think that I would meet another female to actually be "curious" with. I finally met another girl that I really like about a week ago, and last night, I told my mom about her. She wanted to know where I met the girl, and I told her that I met her online, which I did. She started going off on a tangent, telling me that this girl could possibly rape me, beat me up, etc, etc. Now, my mother's a cop, and we live in New York. I could get raped, beat up, or etc on my way to the store, or even work. These crimes could happen anywhere. She's making it seem like meeting people online is a bad idea. This has been my third time meeting someone online, in my 8 years of using the internet and playing with computers. She thinks that I think that I'm indestructable, but I refuse to live my life being afraid to go anywhere, do something new, or meet somebody new because I could possibly get shot or raped. My thing is: If it's meant to happen, then it will happen in due time. Before my mother got with her boyfriend, she met a guy online. Thank god she didn't meet a nutcase. It turned out that she wasn't interested in the guy and ended up dumping him. Now why is it that she can meet people online, but I can't? She is just as likely to get raped or shot from meeting someone online as I am. Maybe she just can't accept the fact that I'm getting older and I'm making my own decisions, without needing her approval. I just asked her to accept and respect my decision. (She told me that she wanted to know when I met someone) She said that she'll accept it, because she can't stop me, and she knows that I'm gonna do what I wanna do anyway. I know that she doesn't like it, because she told me that she doesn't believe that two women or two men should be together because it says so in the bible. It's funny that she's quoting the bible, because the bible also says you shouldn't have sex before marriage, which is exactly what she did, and that's how she had me. She's never been married, at 40 years old, and still has sex with men without even getting close to engagement. And it's also funny that she has gay friends, but it seems like the moment I told her I met a girl, she changed her attitude towards the whole situation.
She asked me if my boyfriend (of 3 years) was okay with me finding another girl, and I told her he was, because he is. (HE'S the one who should be getting upset about this, but he isn't.)

I think that my mother just has this "model daughter" that she wants me to be, and she's upset that i'm not being who she wants me to be. I've wanted to do many things in my life, and she hasn't supported me in 85% of my decisions.

All I'm saying is that I'm proud of being bi, and being bi is something I enjoy. Since being bi is something that I enjoy, I have decided to pursue it. I just want to know what you all think. Now, I'm not asking for advice on how to talk to my mom about this problem, because there is just no talking to her. I just want advice on how to deal with this situation, because it hurts that she can't accept who I am, and what I like to do.

[bediddle]

I'm noticing a bit of a pattern coming out. You've mentioned a number of instances where your mother has been contradicting herself. Her words and her actions aren't always in alignment. This may be relatively new to you but it probably isn't new behaviour for your mother. She's most likely always been this way and it's just becoming more apparent as you get older and further shed the misconception of parental perfection (gosh that was a mouthful! - I'm hoping I've kept the grammar together on that one. :rolleyes: ).

As for your mother being able to accept you I'd say she's doing an okay job. Bisexuality is largely misunderstood. It's not surprising either. Tons of bisexuals never even bother to come out of the closet. Even the ones who do can go unnoticed because it's isn't obvious like being straight of gay (unless they were to wear a sign or something).
When people encounter things they do not understand it's not uncommon for them to be afraid. This fear then leads to irrational behaviour.
It sounds to me like your mother is keeping her irrational behaviour to a minimum. Her questions and concerns have been legitimate (ie Is your boyfriend okay with this? Are you sure this is safe?). Any parent could be expected to say these things.

While your mother may have a "model daughter" in her head that doesn't match what you are. It's quite likely that with time her "model daughter" will more closely resemble the person that you are. It will probably just take her some time to work through the details. (How much time has she had to deal with this?) In the mean time try to answer her questions and help her feel more at ease. The more she understands the less she has to fear.

Again, good luck. ;)

[MikeW]

You're an adult now and as such your mother doesn't need to know your every personal detail. Some things should best be left private.

Moms are moms... they worry about their children. No parent wants to see their child hurt. We try to protect our children from life's tough lessons even though we know they have to, and will, experience them. We do it for love. Sounds like your mom is pretty normal.

It's great that you're able to be so open with your mom, just take it easy and work her in slowly... give her time to digest things...

[csrakate]

Strawberry,
Marc is right...if you don't want to hear what your mother has to say about what you do, then perhaps you don't need to tell her everything. Mothers, regardless of what they do in their personal lives, worry about their kids...what they say does not always equate with what they do. I would recommend that you only share with her the things that you feel you can share without her becoming worried. But since we're on the subject, and since I am a mother, I DO hope that you use extreme caution when meeting people you have met online. I think you are well aware that sometimes people can appear to be many things on the computer, but can be quite the opposite in real life. Just be careful, exercise caution, and always meet for the first time in a public place.

And as far as you being bisexual, please be aware that it just may take your mom some time to digest it all. Your mom isn't looking for you to be the perfect daughter...she just has preconceived ideas of what she wants for you and apparently it is a bit different from your reality. Try to understand that she is also aware that you may face some difficulties from society regarding being bi...and what mother would want that for her child? Just pursue what you need to for your happiness and perhaps when she sees that you are happy and fulfilled, she will be more likely to relax and accept you for what you are.

That being said, I think it is wonderful that you want to be so open with your mother. Don't change the way that you feel about it....just consider that sometimes, telling all is not necessarily the best policy.

Good luck to you and your mom....and BE CAREFUL! (sorry...just had to say that one more time!! LOL)

Kate

[strawberry8302]

Strawberry,
Marc is right...if you don't want to hear what your mother has to say about what you do, then perhaps you don't need to tell her everything.

Thanks for your advice, guys.
Now, to Kate: I usually keep personal things from my mother, but she is the kind of person that is very nosy, and I think that when she gets one shred of information, she goes looking for more. She's like a hound dog; give her a slice of bacon and she wants the whole pig. I just don't know how to deal with my mother. She tells me she wants me to talk to her about what's going on in my life, but when I do, she can't handle it. Then when I keep things from her, and she finds out later, she gets upset. This situation is really depressing. Every time I sit her down to talk to her about something, 90% of the time, it backfires on me. She blows things out of proportion, she yells, she screams, and she just can't handle what I tell her. And I always speak to her in a calm manner. So when I try to avoid the arguements, and the yelling and screaming by not saying anything, THAT backfires on me too, because she'll get mad that I didn't tell her and she had to find out on her own. I can't win with her, and I need to figure out how to handle her emotions, because it's tearing me apart. :(

[Mrs. Taz]

I agree with what csrakate said, but I also see where your mom is comeing from. If your going to meet someone in person that you met online be smart about it. meet in a public place and have another friend or family member with you. Because of the fact that yes, people online can be diffrent than they are in person, just to reil you in to get what they want. If you really want to meet someone in person pls take my advice and do it in a public place and have someone with you that you know already, also it would be best to make sure you talk to this person for a long time on line before you decide on meeting them in person. see if they stay consistant with everything they say over a long period of time and dont act any diffrent.Because the way I see it its better to be safe than sorry.

[arana]

Any chance your mom see's a lot of herself in you and it scares her? Parents have a lot of the "Do as I say, not as I do" mentallity. It's a lot easier to tell someone else what to do then do it yourself.

[RebekaLee]

Thanks for your advice, guys.
Now, to Kate: I usually keep personal things from my mother, but she is the kind of person that is very nosy, and I think that when she gets one shred of information, she goes looking for more. She's like a hound dog; give her a slice of bacon and she wants the whole pig. I just don't know how to deal with my mother. She tells me she wants me to talk to her about what's going on in my life, but when I do, she can't handle it. Then when I keep things from her, and she finds out later, she gets upset. This situation is really depressing. Every time I sit her down to talk to her about something, 90% of the time, it backfires on me. She blows things out of proportion, she yells, she screams, and she just can't handle what I tell her. And I always speak to her in a calm manner. So when I try to avoid the arguements, and the yelling and screaming by not saying anything, THAT backfires on me too, because she'll get mad that I didn't tell her and she had to find out on her own. I can't win with her, and I need to figure out how to handle her emotions, because it's tearing me apart. :(

so tell her that

[MikeW]

Thanks for your advice, guys.
Now, to Kate: I usually keep personal things from my mother, but she is the kind of person that is very nosy, and I think that when she gets one shred of information, she goes looking for more. She's like a hound dog; give her a slice of bacon and she wants the whole pig. I just don't know how to deal with my mother. She tells me she wants me to talk to her about what's going on in my life, but when I do, she can't handle it. Then when I keep things from her, and she finds out later, she gets upset. This situation is really depressing. Every time I sit her down to talk to her about something, 90% of the time, it backfires on me. She blows things out of proportion, she yells, she screams, and she just can't handle what I tell her. And I always speak to her in a calm manner. So when I try to avoid the arguements, and the yelling and screaming by not saying anything, THAT backfires on me too, because she'll get mad that I didn't tell her and she had to find out on her own. I can't win with her, and I need to figure out how to handle her emotions, because it's tearing me apart. :(

maybe you should suggest seeing a counselor to help you two discuss the issues. Think of a counselor as a referee. I can tell you from experience they help a lot.

[Ratchick]

I agree with MarcW.
A theropist or councellor can be a great mediator to air these differences.

Also, Meeting someone online is dangerous, but so is meeting a stranger in a bar. If you are going to meet someone, meet them at a ublic place and have a way home on your own. Don't meet them alone at yoru place or thirs, no matter hwo good they sound.
Just use yoru head and always have a cellphone and enough cash to get a cab on your own and get home or get away if you need to.

And again, sounds liek you and your mom need councellign if you are goign to continue to live together.

Hugs,
RC

[bigregory]

Ok Berry..
#1 On-line date is dangerous (or can be) Moms right here..
#2 Maybe you and mom should get seperate residences..
# 3 did you get a radio yet?

[strawberry8302]

To Ratchick: I suggested to my mom once before that we go to counseling. She won't go. I told her that I really wanted to go so we could work out or differences, and she said that any problems that I have I can discuss them with her. There's just no winning with her.

To Bigregory: I've always had a radio, but just because you have one and use it doesn't drown out the thoughts you have in your head about your mom having sex.