a frustrating occasional change of mind

[love_bull_4males]

I am a bisexual male, married to a female whom I am not too sure about her orientation. She seems to be ok with bi on occasion and not ok with it at other times. That's not the main problem though, cause it really matters not to me her orientation. What I am having a problem with is the changing of her mind on occasion about my being bisexual. There are times when she expresses that she would like to see me with another male, and there have been times that wev'e gone to bars and clubs and talked about what we would find attractive in the other attendees. We have even gone so far as to go to a gay bar, and had a guy interested. I will now tell you of that instance cause it best represents what I'm going through.

I decided to make a night for us to go out, and chose a gay bar to go to. I thought at least if not making connections to bring home, I could have some fun watching the others and maybe talking to a few people. We were sitting back corner of the bar and looking around. She opened our conversation with who out of the other people we would find attractive. Of course we had some differences on our opinions, to be expected. Several hours later a guy comes over, and stands next to us at the bar, I'm in between her and him. I really did not pay much attention to him, but she noticed he was looking in our direction a lot. She mentioned it to me, and said that she could be ok with him. So I opened conversation with him, and told him I was bisexual, turns out he said he was too. Now here we are, occasionally talking, and she asks me if I was trying to give him the cold shoulder. I really had not paid much attention to it, cause I wasn't expecting anything to come of it. I said, no, I did not realize that I was, and asked if she thought I should interact with him more, she said yes. I did just that, Imade it known that I was interested, and offered my hand for touching. he was ok with it as well, and some pretty heavy petting insued, but I kept my other hand on her to let her know that I was trying to make it both ways. She blew up, and pulled away, the night ended soon after with us going home, leaving the guy hot and bothered at the bar. We had a wonderful time in bed that night, but it left the other guy wondering what happened. This is not a good way to make friends or keep them if you have them, and is most definitely not a proper way to do things to other people. I have a big problem with doing that to another person, especially someone that I do not know. i don't know how to make it clear that I cannot have an indecision on this point, she needs to be either for it or against it, I cannot take indecision.

[Germanicus]

I am a bisexual male, married to a female whom I am not too sure about her orientation. She seems to be ok with bi on occasion and not ok with it at other times. That's not the main problem though, cause it really matters not to me her orientation. What I am having a problem with is the changing of her mind on occasion about my being bisexual. There are times when she expresses that she would like to see me with another male, and there have been times that wev'e gone to bars and clubs and talked about what we would find attractive in the other attendees. We have even gone so far as to go to a gay bar, and had a guy interested. I will now tell you of that instance cause it best represents what I'm going through.

I decided to make a night for us to go out, and chose a gay bar to go to. I thought at least if not making connections to bring home, I could have some fun watching the others and maybe talking to a few people. We were sitting back corner of the bar and looking around. She opened our conversation with who out of the other people we would find attractive. Of course we had some differences on our opinions, to be expected. Several hours later a guy comes over, and stands next to us at the bar, I'm in between her and him. I really did not pay much attention to him, but she noticed he was looking in our direction a lot. She mentioned it to me, and said that she could be ok with him. So I opened conversation with him, and told him I was bisexual, turns out he said he was too. Now here we are, occasionally talking, and she asks me if I was trying to give him the cold shoulder. I really had not paid much attention to it, cause I wasn't expecting anything to come of it. I said, no, I did not realize that I was, and asked if she thought I should interact with him more, she said yes. I did just that, Imade it known that I was interested, and offered my hand for touching. he was ok with it as well, and some pretty heavy petting insued, but I kept my other hand on her to let her know that I was trying to make it both ways. She blew up, and pulled away, the night ended soon after with us going home, leaving the guy hot and bothered at the bar. We had a wonderful time in bed that night, but it left the other guy wondering what happened. This is not a good way to make friends or keep them if you have them, and is most definitely not a proper way to do things to other people. I have a big problem with doing that to another person, especially someone that I do not know. i don't know how to make it clear that I cannot have an indecision on this point, she needs to be either for it or against it, I cannot take indecision.

Its sounds, and of course I could be wrong, that your wife has a problem with your bisexuality and you acting upon it. Your description of the way you both talk about prospective men and the proverbial eye candy in bars, but that she "blew up" when things got hot and heavy with that male makes it sound like she is ok with your bisexuality in theory, but not with it "in practice".

Perhaps she is jealous, or scared of losing you? Perhaps she doesnt want to share, or perhaps she doesn't want to see you act upon them, prefering that you do so in "private" ("what the eye doesnt see, the heart doesnt grieve over")? Whatever the answer is, you need to find out, but let her tell you of her own free will, don't push the issue.

[shameless agitator]

I think Germanicus has it about right. Sounds like she's trying to be okay with the idea and be supportive of your needs/desires but still gets jealous. I can relate to that one from first hand experience. I had a hard time with my ex's desire for women at first. I knew they could provide her something I couldn't & wanted her to be able to have that since it made her happy. That was all well and good in the abstract, but when there was an <i>actual</i> woman in the picture I would feel threatened and jealous. You need to talk to her & she needs reassurance that you're not going to leave her for another man.

[DiamondDog]

You should have a serious discussion with your wife.

If I was in a bar and I thought I was going to hook up with a single man, or a couple (of any mixture) and things seemed to be heading in that direction and then someone flipped out when it seemed like things were heading that way or if someone was cruising and flirting heavily with me and then just left, I'd just think that they were teases or that they didn't really want to have sex with other people at all.

It sounds like you want an open relationship but your wife doesn't, or that an open relationship is good in theory but not in reality for both of you.

This is one of the reasons why I refuse to get involved with most women, especially hetero women.

I can't give them the relationship that they want, and the idea that I could never be intimate, kiss a man, have sex with a man without her, fall in love with a man, or have a real relationship with a man would bother me a lot.

I'm not into even having serious relationships with women.

I'm fine with having a friendship with benefits relationship, or just VERY casual dating where we have just sex.

[Germanicus]

I think Germanicus has it about right. Sounds like she's trying to be okay with the idea and be supportive of your needs/desires but still gets jealous. I can relate to that one from first hand experience. I had a hard time with my ex's desire for women at first. I knew they could provide her something I couldn't & wanted her to be able to have that since it made her happy. That was all well and good in the abstract, but when there was an <i>actual</i> woman in the picture I would feel threatened and jealous. You need to talk to her & she needs reassurance that you're not going to leave her for another man.

Thanks Shameless.

To Love_Bull, I would talk to her, raise the the topic and tell her you believe she's worried, etc, but use your speech to reassure her, by stating your views in a gentle and reassuring manner, then leave it at that. Use the opportunity to, as my counsellor once said, "plant a seed in the mind". If she continues the talk - good; if she doesnt, dont worry, if the seed is planted, she will probably come back to you on it at a later date.

Since her fears are at the root of the issue, she needs to be able to talk to you on this when she feels ready. She feels threatened by this and if you push the matter it may make things worse - there's nothing worse than being pushed on a "raw" emotional topic by someone you love - trust me.

[love_bull_4males]

I wish it were that simple, but htis has gone on for too long, more than a year, and it is killing my want to have her as a sex partner. i am pretty sure at this point it is over at least from my end. It sucks, but things must go the way they are being pushed eventually if the pushing is too persistent. In all, I feel I cannot have any friends with her cause she would not approve of the conversations that we would be having.

I appreciate all those who reached out to help, but in the mean time, I've pretty much come to a decision I can live with.

Love to all you beautiful people out there, and may your journeys be at least happy if they cannot be joyous.

[shameless agitator]

Sorry to hear that man. Of course you know the situation better than we do, but I hate to see a partnership break up over something as simple as this.