first partner

[naive]

i'm sorry if this has been covered before but it has just come up with my first post-out discussion with my sister, and i didn't know how to answer it.

i know that the major consensus when it comes to partner discussions is to be open and honest about ur bisexuality. i think that its true on the most part because the topic of previous sexual partners inevitably comes up. the thing i couldn't be sure about is if ur out to urself as bi, and ur with ur first partner, wouldn't telling them only make things more complicated? won't they think that the only reason u told them was because u wanted someone on the side, despite every effort to swear to be faithful?

maybe it's not so common because i'm thinking the majority of people come out after a long sexual history.

[shameless agitator]

won't they think that the only reason u told them was because u wanted someone on the side, despite every effort to swear to be faithful?

maybe it's not so common because i'm thinking the majority of people come out after a long sexual history. This is a real risk, especially considering the stereotypes about bi's being incapable of monogamy, but IMO they still have a right to know. Do you really want to do something as intimate as sex with somebody you don't even feel comfortable telling who you are?

[naive]

This is a real risk, especially considering the stereotypes about bi's being incapable of monogamy, but IMO they still have a right to know. Do you really want to do something as intimate as sex with somebody you don't even feel comfortable telling who you are?

thanks sa, i was hoping to get a reply from u because i know u would have a rationalised opinion on the matter. i put it out there to everyone else rather than a pm in case there were other people with more insight.

i still believe in monogamy myself, but i would still feel obliged to tell my first because, in all reality, i would have to admit to them that i can't see them as my first "and only" because there is a whole other side to myself that i haven't explored. hopefully that person doesn't go running because i let them know i'm not serious enough to believe that the relationship will last forever.

so i ask the experienced women out there: would it put u off knowing that ur partner is not committed for the long term?

this makes me think again about coming out to ur first (im so :confused:) because even though i think that i am the kind of person that would take sex very intimately and i would need to have a special connection with the person, i still respect people that admit that sex can be a basic physical attraction without the depth. so i'm not gonna say that i would never be that kind of person. if both parties know and agree that the "thing" is only short-term and doesn't have to have a whole lot of meaning, then do they really need to know everything about u?

maybe i'm answering my own question but is it ok to only tell the one ur with if u see a future together?

[the mage]

Sex between adults is play.
Love usually makes it better, but having sex does not mean you owe someone love.

The historical trust that goes with love requires that honesty, a few enjoyable evenings of pleasure do not require your telling all.

[FalconAngel]

Being honest with a partner that you are in a relationship with is paramount, no matter what your sexuality happens to be. Being Bi carries with it the responsibility to be honest with yourself as well. If your sexuality and personality mean that you can maintain a monogamous relationship, then you should carry on accordingly, but your partner should still be made aware of your Bisexuality.
If you both work out something like My loving wife and I have, where we select certain individuals into our bed for play, then that needs to be worked out between you; just like any other situation that couples in M/O relationships have to work out.
Some of the ones from other couples that we have heard of, which seem to works for them is:
1) The Bi member goes out with the spouse's permission and says nothing about it.
2) The Bi member goes out with the spouse's permission and tells them all about it.
3) The Bi member and the spouse have a completely open relationship where they both go out with each other's knowledge and permission, like either of the 2 previous examples.
4) The couple brings a third person into the bedroom for play.
5) The couple brings a third person into the bedroom but also has a friendship with them.
6) The couple has a triadic relationship where both partners have a sexual AND romantic relationship with a third partner.
7) The couple holds onto a completely monogamous relationship with no sex outside of the sexual and romantic relationship that they have with each other.

There are probably a dozen variations of any of those, but those are the basic situations that Bisexuals find themselves in when in a committed relationship.

Do we have sex without love? Sometimes. No more or less than anyone else. What really separates us from the straights and gays is that we have attraction to both genders rather than only one or the other.

[bediddle]

There are all sorts of people interested in all sorts of relationships. If you go into a relationship intentionally withholding some information you're creating something that's working for you but not necessarily for the other person involved. It's always better to be honest and look for those people who are actually on the same page as you. There is definitely such thing as a short-term romantic relationship.

ex. I had a sexual relationship with a good friend that lasted for a few months that was we both knew would only last until he found a permanent girlfriend. Neither of us wanted a long term relationship. We just wanted to be good friends who also had sex with each other. Now, we're back to being good friend :)

I suppose it doesn't relate entirely to your situation but my point is that it's totally doable to have an intimate relationship that isn't going to lead to marriage. Aren't those called fuck-buddies? Friends with benefits? Nothing wrong with 'em. Just be honest about it.

[naive]

Sex between adults is play.
Love usually makes it better, but having sex does not mean you owe someone love.

The historical trust that goes with love requires that honesty, a few enjoyable evenings of pleasure do not require your telling all.

thanks for this. i think i just needed to hear what i already knew in more logical words. the thing that i'm scared of is when i find my first, it's part of my personality to only trust and be closely connected to that person. but i also don't want to feel like i have to settle down with them. so i will still feel obliged to come out to them (while remaining monogamous). but i would have to be honest enough to admit that because i haven't tried the "other side", it will be something that i will need to go thru to "find myself". if only i could find someone that understanding...

[bediddle]

I just had a thought... (sort of a joke... sort of a dream...)

What about arranging your first time to be a threesome with a man and a woman?

:tong:

[dafydd]

Sex between adults is play.
Love usually makes it better, but having sex does not mean you owe someone love.

The historical trust that goes with love requires that honesty, a few enjoyable evenings of pleasure do not require your telling all.

not in my universe.
What? You have to love someone to have sex with them? Sometimes I don't even like them...

d

[shameless agitator]

Sex between adults is play.
Love usually makes it better, but having sex does not mean you owe someone love.

The historical trust that goes with love requires that honesty, a few enjoyable evenings of pleasure do not require your telling all.I've never been able to see it this way. I don't necessarily have to love the people I sleep with, but I do have to have some affection for them. I would suggest that your first should at least be a friend.

[naive]

I've never been able to see it this way. I don't necessarily have to love the people I sleep with, but I do have to have some affection for them. I would suggest that your first should at least be a friend.

i agree, i'm not into mindless sex (not yet anyway) but i don't find any of my friends attractive so it looks like i might be waiting a while...