Monogamy VS Polyamory

[LEBBW1968]

I once had a discussion with a friend who believed that a person's tendency towards being monogamous or poly was as much a part of that person as their sexual orientation. It was something that I had never considered. I had always thought of it as a conscious decision: that a person decides weather or not they will be with only one partner or many.

Since then I've discovered that I am a poly person. Society as a whole looks on non-monogamy as being a character flaw, a sin, and/or morally wrong. As I have come to accept myself as a poly person, I am much more at peace with myself.

In the past I would have said that a person who isn't monogamous has commitment issues. This couldn't be further from the truth. I've learned that "commitment" means different things to different people. It can mean "I promise to love you and support you in your life as you promise to love and support me." And not just "I promise that I will not love anyone but you.":2cents:

My question is this: As a bisexual person, do you consider yourself as monogamous or polyamorous? Or are you a poly person who is in a monogamous relationship? Just curious.

[anne27]

When I first realized I was bi, I thought my relationship with women would just be for fun sex. After a little experience and falling in love very hard for two of the women I've been with, I realize I am very much polyamorous. I am happiest when I am in concurrent relationships, one with my hubby and one with a woman.
It seems to me that the poly lifestyle is the 'red headed stepchild' of the glbt community and get a bit of grief. I am not exactly sure why this is, but I have seen and heard it happen.

[s_shunpike]

First of all let me say welcome! And you are certainly not alone. As Anne said for some reason there seems to be some very negative attitudes toward poly people and poly life in the community. I have been shocked and amazed on this site the rather boisterous negativity that has arisen in some people when the word or subject is mentioned, so don't be shocked :bigrin:

I myself am bi and poly. I am in a very successful poly marriage. I have to say that from my point of view, I have come to believe that like sexual orientation you are naturally either monogamous or polyamorous. Obviously, much like society does with sexual orientation, monogamy is touted as the acceptable and norm. So we poly people do find that we have to shed some societal bs. But, we have met some people who embrace poly fully and seem to have to issues while meeting some people who think the idea is fantastic while soon realizing that they have some issues with sharing and the like.

I have absolutely no issues with anyone who is non-poly just as I would hope that they would have no issues with my being poly. I think that a person needs to be who they are period. That is the key to happiness.

Shun!

[brotherAss]

i'm new to these forums, so, "hi all"!

about your question... i'm bi and married to a straight woman. before our relationship, i was never so lucky to be in a poly-type situation. i think, though, that i may lean in that direction. i cannot, however, express any poly-ness in my current relationship.

my wife's father (who was an ordained minister) cheated on my wife's mom and left the family to marry his mistress. this tore my wife's family apart, especially affecting my wife. when we got married, i had to constantly assure her of my love and commitment.

to be in another relationship, even if it's with another guy, would deeply hurt my wife. she doesn't--and, it seems, can't--understand how i can be committed to her and love her wholeheartedly while being in another relationship. so i don't do it.

[naive]

i can't be sure about myself because i lack the experience but, for the moment, i feel as though i would be monogamous. i agree that a person's monogamy/polyamory is important to a person's identity as much as their sexuality is. but in the same regard, people's sexuality can change, so i think that people's beliefs on one/many partners can change also. i don't have any issues with poly people (because i may end up that way) but i still have a lot to learn.

sorry for hijacking this thread, but i have a question that has been plaguing me since i joined the forum. there is a stereotype that being bi automatically means that ur poly because if ur with a person of one gender, ur always gonna be attracted to the other gender. i know that there are plenty of monogamous bis out there but is there any truth to the association? does being bi mean that ur more inclined to be poly? or are more poly people inclined to be bi? is it a case of cause and effect or simply a convenient correlation?

[allbimyself]

As Anne said for some reason there seems to be some very negative attitudes toward poly people and poly life in the community.
The "negative attitudes" you see usually are in response to those that claim bisexuals are by nature non-monogamous (whether polyamorous or just cheaters) or that those that are monogamous are somehow denying themselves or are going to be unhappy in their relationships.

The stereotypical bisexual is selfish and a cheater. When those of us who are quite capable of being happily monogamous see comments from others that use their bisexuality as an excuse for being unfaithful we quite rightly bristle at that and, unfortunately, polyamory is sometimes caught up in that.

I have nothing against those that are polyamorous EXCEPT when they do not separate polyamory from bisexuality. Being poly or not has nothing to do with sexual orientation and vice versa. That might be clear in the minds of you and I but it is not usually clear in the minds of those that are judging us.

[naive]

The stereotypical bisexual is selfish and a cheater. When those of us who are quite capable of being happily monogamous see comments from others that use their bisexuality as an excuse for being unfaithful we quite rightly bristle at that and, unfortunately, polyamory is sometimes caught up in that.

I have nothing against those that are polyamorous EXCEPT when they do not separate polyamory from bisexuality. Being poly or not has nothing to do with sexual orientation and vice versa. That might be clear in the minds of you and I but it is not usually clear in the minds of those that are judging us.

so ru saying there is a correlation between bisexuality and polyamoury? i know there's no right or wrong answer but is there any answer at all? i'm not trying to confuse infidelity with polyamoury. in the same way that there are some people that unashamedly fall under the stereotype of homosexuals being queens and lesbians being dykes is there any truth to the bi/poly stereotype? to be a bit more graphic, isn't bi group sex more common than straight group sex?

[Azrael]

so ru saying there is a correlation between bisexuality and polyamoury? i know there's no right or wrong answer but is there any answer at all? i'm not trying to confuse infidelity with polyamoury. in the same way that there are some people that unashamedly fall under the stereotype of homosexuals being queens and lesbians being dykes is there any truth to the bi/poly stereotype? to be a bit more graphic, isn't bi group sex more common than straight group sex?
Not really. Most of the whores I know are straight. For me being bisexual means I love people. Has nothing to do with how many.

[naive]

Not really. Most of the whores I know are straight. For me being bisexual means I love people. Has nothing to do with how many.

ok, good. that can be my standard answer now. "not all bis are poly because most of the whores tom knows are straight" :bigrin:

[shameless agitator]

Well, since realizing I was bi, I'm more inclined toward polyamory. This isn't necessarily because I need to have partners of both genders, but because I'm involved in kind of a weird relationship with a woman that I'm not willing to give up, but I want to experience relationships with men. If I wasn't involved with her, I think i could be a serial monogamist, but I'm not really sure that I wouldn't wind up being one of the people who do fit the stereotype & always be missing the other gender.

[DiamondDog]

I don't call myself monogamous because I don't have one partner and one partner only for sex/romance for life.

I don't call myself poly/polyamorous because it's just the exact same thing as an open relationship, and I don't agree with the philosophy/terminology.

If I'm in an open relationship with a partner/partners I don't need a fancy synonymous word for an open relationship/or a new age philosophy to justify what we've agreed upon in order to feel special or to sleep at night.

I just think that it's funny when people who are self proclaimed poly act like they're in a cult/religion, some people act like it's like taking acid or a psychedelic when it's not that mind blowing, spiritually enlightening like satori without drugs, or how open relationships are actually good/well balanced relationships for everyone.

I've met poly people who are foolish and naive to think that everyone in an open relationship won't get jealous or that jealousy simply just "goes away" by communicating and that people in the relationship won't lie, harbor secrets, or abuse each other.

I don't like the way people act like if you're in an open relationship, and proponents of the polyamory philosophy such as people who write about it, say that it's somehow new or revolutionary, when people have been having open relationships since the dawn of humanity.

A friend that I date and confide in, he and I believe that polyamory is simply a more dignified word/philosophy for wife/husband swapping.

I don't get why people who define themselves as poly get mad about equating it with an open relationship or that an open relationship is somehow a "bad" thing but being "poly" isn't? I also don't understand why polyamory is supposed to be so 'free' and 'open' yet people who are poly feel the need to be so clearly defined?

Why do people who are poly feel so compelled to make themselves a part of this "umbrella community" and put a label on themselves? Is it obsessive control of how they are viewed by others? Is it a front for not knowing who they really are, but are desperate to feel that they do? Is it a constant need for self validation from themselves and others?

I am not cool with different levels for group marriages and group family rearing. This brings in commune/cult mentalities and individuality starts to blur. Some people think it's okay to have a highly sexually charged environment but keep the sex acts 'behind closed doors' and others think it's okay for everyone in the "family" like the children too, to sleep in the same room while sex acts, partner swapping, and orgies are going on.

We already went through all that in the 60s/70s; sometimes I think people are doing it as an act of nostalgia.

I can have an open relationship and I'd need this if I were ever with a woman, yet I could also find a man and settle down and have a closed/exclusive relationship based on fidelity with him.

Neither one is "right" and I don't like people who are self proclaimed "poly" acting like they're better than, more advanced/evolved, that "everyone should have an open relationship", or that they transcend humans who are wired for or prefer having a closed/exclusive relationship.

I don't respect those who are hypocritical speaking of free love and acceptance and equality, yet shutting out those who prefer a closed/exclusive relationship, or those who refuse to be labeled as poly or anything else; but prefer open relationships.

Many people are a mixture of both an open relationship and a closed/exclusive one. Like they'll have an open relationship for a few years and then keep it closed. Just having a relationship with anyone, is hard no matter if it’s open or closed and an open relationship is not necessarily just as easy as having a closed one with one person.

[naive]

Well, since realizing I was bi, I'm more inclined toward polyamory. This isn't necessarily because I need to have partners of both genders, but because I'm involved in kind of a weird relationship with a woman that I'm not willing to give up, but I want to experience relationships with men. If I wasn't involved with her, I think i could be a serial monogamist, but I'm not really sure that I wouldn't wind up being one of the people who do fit the stereotype & always be missing the other gender.

thank u! i guess i couldn't put it into better words and so i didn't know how to explain myself. i'm glad that even though there is a stereotype, it doesn't mean that everyone has to run away from being associated with it. i agree that once i accepted my bisexuality, i was more open to the fact that poly/open relationships are ok. i confess that when i thought i was straight, i believed that only monogamy was ethical.

[Skater Boy]

I'm pretty open-minded to poly-amory. But I have to admit that I'd much rather be in a monogamous relationship at this stage in my life. Perhaps because on one level it makes you feel more "special" to have someone all to yourself. Maybe when my personality (sense of security?) has developed sufficiently, I'll see things differently. Still open to poly relationships, ofcourse. But just have a preference for mono.

[leizy]

Among those who identify as polyamorous, there is a high percentage of women (70-90%) who also identify as bisexual. About 30-50% of males who identify as poly also identify as bisexual. Female swingers identify as bi at similar rates, but male swingers are very rare and reluctant to identify as bi (much less than 10%).

In contrast, in the general population, across lots of studies - around 2-4 % of people identify as bisexual (identity), while around 10% or more admit to a history of bisexual behaviors (sexual contact with same gender, at least once in life).

Bisexuals can be as diverse as any other group, and there are good books out there that offer stories about different bisexuals and their lives: some are monogamous, some aren't. However, the research does indicate that bisexuals are less monogamous in practice and behavior than heterosexuals. However, this nonmonogamy is more often open, discussed and negotiated in bisexuals than it is in heterosexuals (ie, less frequently is it "cheating.")

the nice thing about these numbers and facts? none, and all, of them may apply to you. And none of them tell you who or what you are, but all allow you to make your own choices.

cheers.
david

[shadowsaffinity]

i'm polyamorous. i'm doing a workshop on polyamory at my church in february!

[brunette]

i am in an open relationship with my husband, but we are not polyamorous. my husband and i are both free to have (safe) sex with who we choose, and we have promised each other honesty.

the reason we are not polyamorous is because that indicates that you could love several people at a time. we have chosen to love only each other (and yes, it is a choice) while still having sex with people outside of our marriage.

neither of us feel capable of maintaining a meaningful, loving, extra-marital relationship. we don't think that it's wrong, but we don't feel that we could sustain ours and others at the same time. sex is just sex, but falling in love requires a lot of attention.

also, at some point, we might come to the mutual decision to "close" our relationship. at that point, monogamy might be hard for me, but also love my husband so much that i will do my best to sustain it for our sakes.

on a different note, has anyone noticed that one of the arguments against gay marriage is that if gays are allowed to marry, then marriages between more than two people will be soon on its heels? this argument seems ridiculous to me, because the two situations are so drastically different.

[the mage]

[QUOTE=DiamondDog;78585]I don't call myself monogamous because I don't have one partner and one partner only for sex/romance for life.

I don't call myself poly/polyamorous because it's just the exact same thing as an open relationship, and I don't agree with the philosophy/terminology.



..................................I'm sorry but it bothers the hell out of me that you make a totally incorrect statement like this and base an entire rant on it.

Polyamorous relationships are incidences of multiple love.
open relationships are sexually diverse.
They are apples and oranges.

[DiamondDog]

[QUOTE=DiamondDog;78585]I don't call myself monogamous because I don't have one partner and one partner only for sex/romance for life.

I don't call myself poly/polyamorous because it's just the exact same thing as an open relationship, and I don't agree with the philosophy/terminology.



..................................I'm sorry but it bothers the hell out of me that you make a totally incorrect statement like this and base an entire rant on it.

Polyamorous relationships are incidences of multiple love.
open relationships are sexually diverse.
They are apples and oranges.

I don't care if it bothers you.

It's not "totally incorrect" either as I've talked about this with many people of all genders/orientations, and they agree with me that it's just another word for having an open relationship.

There are many people like myself who aren't monogamous in certain ways or at certain times, yet don't buy into the sham philosophy of polyamory and refuse to use the label.

[AdamKadmon43]

I am not sure that humans are, by nature, monogonistic.. I base that observation on absolutely nothing other than the fact that a great deal of individuals in supposedly monogomous relationships tend to go and screw around when ever the opportunity presents it's self. (me being one of them).

And I am not making any judgement calls on that one way or the other.

Maybe that sort of thing is like a great deal of other things in the rather complex nature of human existence..... It varies widely.

Adam

[LEBBW1968]

does being bi mean that ur more inclined to be poly? or are more poly people inclined to be bi? is it a case of cause and effect or simply a convenient correlation?

In my opinion they are not related. I know straight poly people and bi-monogamous people.

And even though I am poly, this does not guarantee that I will need and or want to have partners of both genders. All my lovers may be of one gender.
:2cents:

[LEBBW1968]

[QUOTE=the mage;78629]

I don't care if it bothers you.

It's not "totally incorrect" either as I've talked about this with many people of all genders/orientations, and they agree with me that it's just another word for having an open relationship.

There are many people like myself who aren't monogamous in certain ways or at certain times, yet don't buy into the sham philosophy of polyamory and refuse to use the label.

Why does it bother you if someone labels themself? It shouldn't matter. People can call themselves whatever they want.:2cents:

[naive]

However, the research does indicate that bisexuals are less monogamous in practice and behavior than heterosexuals. However, this nonmonogamy is more often open, discussed and negotiated in bisexuals than it is in heterosexuals (ie, less frequently is it "cheating.")


i've never thought of it that way, thanks so much for the insight. i can't say that i've talked to many people about the subject but i have always thought polyamoury and open relationships were different because, imo, the former is based on love and the latter is based on sex. this may be naive, but i believe that one can be separate from the other and to be in love does not mean that sexual urges need to be acted upon. in the same way that sex does not require love. i'm not claiming to be wrong/right but that is what those terms mean to me.

i do believe, now, that anybody (hetero/homo/bi) can find love in more than one person whether it be whilst in a relationship or after one has ended. if ur happy and satisfied completely by who ur with, then there is no need to look further. but different people provide different things to different people. these "things" can be sex, love or a different kind of connection altogether.

[naive]

In my opinion they are not related. I know straight poly people and bi-monogamous people.

And even though I am poly, this does not guarantee that I will need and or want to have partners of both genders. All my lovers may be of one gender.
:2cents:

my question wasn't really about certainties. i know that there is a wide range of variables across the populations. it's ignorant to claim anything definitively. it's obvious that being bi doesn't mean that u have to be poly. maybe i studied statistics too much but claiming that there is absolutely no correlation between bisexuality and polyamoury is just as naive as claiming that there is a direct relationship between the two.

[s_shunpike]

Unfortunately DiamondDog's rant is pretty much specifically what I was talking about. Everytime that the subject is brought up, out comes his stick to beat down everyone else. It is a shame that someone who want's other's to accept him for who he is and how he feels is not willing to do the same.

DiamondDog - no one that I can see has openly bashed you about your opinions on poly vs anything else. You are, as we all are, most certainly entitled to have your opinion. The problem comes from your attempts to publicly humiliate those of us that disagree with you and feel that there is a difference. You opinions on this matter are certainly clearly stated, and well documented. Would it be possible for those of us that buy into the "cult like" poly belief and life to have an open and honest discussion without worrying about being attacked for it?

That is all that I/We are asking for. Please!

Thank you!

Shun!

[bhg08054]

My question is this: As a bisexual person, do you consider yourself as monogamous or polyamorous? Or are you a poly person who is in a monogamous relationship? Just curious.

I believe I am polyamorous, or at least "biamorous". My best relationships, both sexual and non-sexual, have always been with m/f couples.

I do think I could be very happy having a "primary" relationship with one person (probably a woman, I'd still like kids, even at my age), and a "secondary" relationship with a couple. All involved would need to be bi, and all "play" together.

Although larger groups can be fun for "play time", I don't think that would really be a good long-term thing.

[Lisa (va)]

Now before I get slammed, let me state that this is just my perosnal opinion, whether it's right or wrong, it is how "I" feel.

I have identified as a lesbian, I have identified as bi, and sometimes even straight. Bottom line is I am who I am, like it not. I love who I love, and this love is not based on the person being of a specifice sex.

This makes it easier for me as a 'bi' in a mongamous relationship.

As far as open relationships vs poly relationships, one could argue that the first is a purely physical attachement to a committed relationship whereas the latter involves emotional attachments to all partners.

What is right for one may or may not be right for another, just as folks have to define what 'being bi' means to them I thik they should be allowed to determine the scope of their relationships, regardless of what they call it.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[AdamKadmon43]

i'm polyamorous. i'm doing a workshop on polyamory at my church in february!

I tried to do that at the local First Baptist Church here in my home town and they politely told me to "get the fuck out".

Good luck on yours.

Adam

[Siruya]

Hmmmm....I'm in an open relationship with my boyfriend, but we aren't polyamorous. I couldn't handle it for myself. I think that anyone who can do that must be a fairly reliable and emotionally stable person, becasue to accept the fact that you love more than one person and try to fulfill the demands multiple loving partners must be hectic, it looks like.

I really think that monogamy is overrated, though. There are just situation where monogamy leads to trouble, in my opinion. Like a long-distance relationship where monogamy is an issue. Its almost impossible. :eek:

Religion definitely comes into comflict with polyamory; hell, I think it comes into conflict with monogamy, because a lot of Christianic based faiths don't allow for monogamous gay relationships. Oh, good luck with the workshop up there. I hope it works out. :cool:

So in closing, I'll say this: for all of you people who are caring enough to love more than one person, congratulations. I think the fact you have so much love to give is wonderful. for those in a monogamous relationship: your commitment is extraordinary. To confine yourselves to only one person in such a way is a stunning action. And to those in an open-relationship like me, who aren't interested in any otehr emotional commitments than the one you have: be careful. Open-relaionships can quickly go polyamorous if you don't watch it. :tong:

[naive]

So in closing, I'll say this: for all of you people who are caring enough to love more than one person, congratulations. I think the fact you have so much love to give is wonderful. for those in a monogamous relationship: your commitment is extraordinary. To confine yourselves to only one person in such a way is a stunning action. And to those in an open-relationship like me, who aren't interested in any otehr emotional commitments than the one you have: be careful. Open-relaionships can quickly go polyamorous if you don't watch it. :tong:

love the conclusion. can't agree more. i think love can be limitless. time is what restricts us. in the immortal words of mariah: "love takes time, to heal when ur hurting so much..."

[folk2punk]

Why do people who are poly feel so compelled to make themselves a part of this "umbrella community" and put a label on themselves? Is it obsessive control of how they are viewed by others? Is it a front for not knowing who they really are, but are desperate to feel that they do? Is it a constant need for self validation from themselves and others?

Well, duh... why bother to join a "bisexual" website either? Arent we all in some stage of self-discovery?

That being said... I must ask any of the self-proclaimed Polyamorous folks, dont you find it kind of draining to nurture more than one committed, loving relationship, that includes sex, romance, and friendship? (this would be my definition of 'amore'.)

I have a co-worker who's female, married to a guy 7 yrs, and has a female lover for 3 yrs. She complains about having to nurture in both relationships, and sometimes questions whether she should give both of them up. Now maybe this is just infidelity gone haywire, but it sounds like what you all call polyamory. To me the only diff between infidel and poly would be if you're open about it. This would explain why some 3somes work and some dont.

But then i must question, isnt there such a thing as platonic polyamory?... like having a close-nit group of friends? I have a handfull of old college friends, no sexual history at all, but I would do almost anything for them. Does that qualify?

Once you step outside black and white extremes, then you open yourself to the rainbow (pun intended) and it seems each question breeds a new one. Unless of course, you the pot calling the kettle black and only trying to justify something that's riddling you with guilt. Pardon the sarcasm, but i've always been a cynic.

I would love to have not only my 'hetero' relation with my wife, but also a 'gay' one as well. In that ideal, this man would be on par with brotherly love in emotion, but allowing for physical love as well. And this breeds another question for those who dare: Have you ever had a friend (platonic) that you bond with so strongly that you yearn to take it to the physical level, but cannot due to the structure of society (being as a whole or just the dynamic in your circle of friends?)?

I have had one such friend for many years. I grew to love him over time, and yes, even the things I find annoying about him. But I cant act on it, b/c its too close to home. He and the wife are also good friends. It would fuck with the whole dynamic. and i think i'm rambling now, so, I'm gonna pause here. maybe pic this up later.

[FalconAngel]

Okay, while logic doesn't normally apply to this kind of thing, someone should tell me if it makes sense to have a poly relationship in which the two (or more) same sex members are not BI? How else could it be a true poly relationship?

It only makes sense that, in order to have a true Poly relationship, Bisexuality must be there amongst the same sex members of the relationship. Not just for the physical element, but the emotional element. Otherwise it's just a polygamous relationship, which is, clearly different from a polyamorous relationship.

Am I wrong in this? Am I missing some important point?

[DiamondDog]

Okay, while logic doesn't normally apply to this kind of thing, someone should tell me if it makes sense to have a poly relationship in which the two (or more) same sex members are not BI? How else could it be a true poly relationship?

It only makes sense that, in order to have a true Poly relationship, Bisexuality must be there amongst the same sex members of the relationship. Not just for the physical element, but the emotional element. Otherwise it's just a polygamous relationship, which is, clearly different from a polyamorous relationship.

Am I wrong in this? Am I missing some important point?

All types of people have open relationships, and yes heterosexual men do have sex with a woman at the same time but don't have sex with each other since they have no desire to, despite what many gay/bi men fantasise about and what the gay porn industry has in movies it doesn't happen.

[naive]

Okay, while logic doesn't normally apply to this kind of thing, someone should tell me if it makes sense to have a poly relationship in which the two (or more) same sex members are not BI? How else could it be a true poly relationship?

It only makes sense that, in order to have a true Poly relationship, Bisexuality must be there amongst the same sex members of the relationship. Not just for the physical element, but the emotional element. Otherwise it's just a polygamous relationship, which is, clearly different from a polyamorous relationship.

Am I wrong in this? Am I missing some important point?

i may be wrong about this but i thought polyamory was independent of the gender of the individuals. one female could love 2 other females for completely different reasons. it's easier to understand if they are bi because the other person has different "bits" but i believe that it still can happen with monosexuals (without the negative connotation of cheating). just think of those
hollywood movies where the protagonist is divided by the love they feel for two different people.

i thought mono/polygamy were technically associated with marriage. so the discussion would be better described as mono-amory vs polyamory but i don't think the former is a word.

in the same way that one female could love another female at one point in time, but then again fall in love with another female if the first relationship ended because of separation/death. on most occasions, polyamory isn't what people seek out because if they love the one they're with, there is no need to search for more love.

[s_shunpike]

There seems to be some common misconceptions when it comes to polyamorous relationships. So I would like to take the opportunity to share what I have learned throughout my journey in reading and gleening from the poly community at large.


But then i must question, isnt there such a thing as platonic polyamory?... like having a close-nit group of friends? I have a handfull of old college friends, no sexual history at all, but I would do almost anything for them. Does that qualify?

Absolutely you can have platonic polyarmory. It's not quite as common, but as we all know well, we can feel different degrees of feelings for people. As stated before - Poly is NOT just about sex and poly does not have to include sex. An intimate relationship does not have to include sexual relationships. As an example my wife and I for years have included in our family a very close knit group of friends of whom amongst all of us our love and caring goes deep beyond "normal" aspects. This is loosely known as an Intimate Circle. They are family, we help raise each other's children, spend holidays together, birthdays, many weekends. We do not, however live together.

Does this help?


Okay, while logic doesn't normally apply to this kind of thing, someone should tell me if it makes sense to have a poly relationship in which the two (or more) same sex members are not BI? How else could it be a true poly relationship?

Am I wrong in this? Am I missing some important point?

Polyamory, or polyamorous relationships do not have to include the traditionally thought of Triangle (Triad) or Square (Quad) relationships. But let's address those first. Simply put, just because you might be in a Triad or Quad does not necessarily mean that one or more members of that relationship are bi. In a Triad it usually does, but it's not the rule. In a Quad what you find most often are two couples that have formed essentially a double MF relationship. Two parallel lines if you will.

Example Couple A consists of John and Nancy, Couple B consists of Fred and Marcy. Both are poly couples who meet each other. John and Marcy start a poly relationship separate from the group and Fred and Nancy start one. They soon realize that this is what they all want. Boom! You have a Quad! John and Fred aren't in a relationship, neither are Nancy and Marcy, but you still have a Quad. The important thing here is that these relationships exist within the core.

Couples or people in general in poly relationships can and do have relationships that exist outside of the core (Primary). Generally called Secondary, although most people that I have run across in the poly community (myself and my wife included) dislike those terms. These can be, but are not limited to bisexual relationships.


That being said... I must ask any of the self-proclaimed Polyamorous folks, dont you find it kind of draining to nurture more than one committed, loving relationship, that includes sex, romance, and friendship? (this would be my definition of 'amore'.)

Yes they can be draining, but in my opinion so can the pursuit of a single relationship :bigrin: As in any relationship you have the ups and downs, but it is all really a matter of finding the balance for each one. I honestly have to say that in my opinion and experience, the rewards and benefits far outweigh whatever physical drain that you might experience from your constant running :bigrin:

Finally, I must say that it is wonderful that this discussion is taking place. I am hoping that many of the misconceptions of the poly community and poly life will begin to be shed and people can walk away with a better understanding. We are not recruiting for the dark side (although we have cookies!) but rather, much as the same with the bisexual community, we simply would like people to understand a little better.

Hope some of this helps, and it doesn't come across as simple ranting.

Shun!

[Lorcan]

I hate the term "open relationship". Why? because when uniformed people hear that term (and we talk to be understood, don't we?) they assume that it's totally open... i can go fuck anyone. yeah ,right....hardly.

I am poly by nature, but live a mostly monogamous life, because my spouse and i agreed to be polyfidelitous (dating the same individual) and there are few people who want both of us.