Wee Question?

[cakehead]

In the past year or so. I dsicovered myself as being bisexual.

No1 except my ex sleeping partners know about this, except I seem to get off on the fact of trying to tell someone.

Just joking about it constantly with mates, family and other people I cant seem to finish the sentence "I like to 'hump' guys too" without the "only kidding".

Its not fear.... I do really get off on this.

Is this normal?

[DiamondDog]

Immaturity, trying to get shock value over something that's not that shocking at all, and fear.

As far as if it's "normal"?

I guess so.

I personally never did this before I came out, and I've never done this; but I know some closeted men who do what you wrote about, and it's very annoying.

I know closeted "straight" guys (not real hetero guys, closeted guys who want sex with men and say that they're "straight") who have flirted with me and ask me for sex and they're teases and flakes and when it comes down to actually getting naked and having sex they back out and say "oh I was just kidding!".

Then I'll sigh and ask them, why did you ask then? This was your idea in the first place. :rolleyes:

[welickit]

Define NORMAL. We think you are looking for attention bi asking or just trying to get off on the replies you may like.:bipride:

[cakehead]

Normal... something we all do?

I dont think its about being an attention Bi, or closet bi its all about the replies I get I think??

In reply to the first reply I recieved. I have no problems getting naked and having sex with same and opposite sex. I think its more to the public friends being the jokey guy I am.

[DiamondDog]

Normal... something we all do?

I dont think its about being an attention Bi, or closet bi its all about the replies I get I think??

In reply to the first reply I recieved. I have no problems getting naked and having sex with same and opposite sex. I think its more to the public friends being the jokey guy I am.

ok, but what happens when your friends/family realize that you're not joking or they think that you've been lying all along?

[Skater Boy]

I cant seem to finish the sentence "I like to 'hump' guys too" without the "only kidding".

Its not fear.... I do really get off on this.

Is this normal?

One question you might want to ask yourself is: Do the OTHER people find this "joke" as amusing as you do?

My guess is that they probably don't. Even if they may laugh at it when you drop the "punchline".

What you're doing is creating social tension- a kind of awkwardness between you and the other person/s. Then, by adding the "only kidding" part, you disperse this social tension and supposedly bond with the other person/s through the shared humour.

However, you should be aware that many people simply DON'T find homosexuality as amusing as you seem to. And your in/direct admission of the fact that you find this issue so funny also serves to inform the other person/s of what is going on inside YOUR OWN head. In a way, your words and actions kinda betray your real feelings.

Its normal to some extent, in that many people often use humour as a way of dispersing social tension and bonding with others. But purposefully creating that social tension repeatedly suggests something that is not quite so normal.

Think carefully before doing something and examine your own motives. easier said than done, I know. But IMHO most "actions" are performed out of either FEAR or DESIRE. In other words, we usually do things because we WANT to achieve something, or because we FEAR that something we don't want to happen will occur.

I'll leave you to think that through.

:2cents:

[TashaSW]

Theres no such thing as "Normal" :)

UNLESS you're an Stepford Wife or Husband.

Normal people are boooooooring hehe

I think you should just joke with people that get your jokes... cause they know your joking :)

For me... sometimes I'll make a joke BUT it can come off as serious or mean to people that don't know me well.
Those that do, realize Im just bugging them or teasing and joke back :)
So you just have to be careful who you make jokes to. :)

[Skater Boy]

I think you should just joke with people that get your jokes... cause they know your joking :)

Well, there's nothing wrong with a joke every now and then. But its slightly IRONIC if you "joke" that you like "humping guys", when in reality you really do. Throw in the repetitive aspect of it, and its something worth keeping an eye on, IMO.

[cakehead]

Well, there's nothing wrong with a joke every now and then. But its slightly IRONIC if you "joke" that you like "humping guys", when in reality you really do. Throw in the repetitive aspect of it, and its something worth keeping an eye on, IMO.


The way I always found same sex partners is testing the boundaries with jokes. I tend to do it more with the homosexual men rather than lets say to freak out the straight mate. I find some guys on the recieving end of this seem to find it an endearing way with me trying to flirt, whereas perhaps the straight friends laugh but start wondering at same time. And i think that them thinking about me being somewhat "different" to their norm thought of me, I get off on it.

C'mon dont say you've never joked with a straight friend about humping or fancying him. The fact they think am straight makes the whole thing seem like a private joke.

Okay... I never meant humping guys as a direct a qoute as that. Obviously its said alot more discretely (can't see the parentals taking it well over Sunday roast dinner, with me saying "pass over the salt, oh yeah me and Callum humped in your bed while you were walking the dog last night mum!". As funny as that would be, I think mummy and daddy would deserve it more discretely.

[Skater Boy]

The way I always found same sex partners is testing the boundaries with jokes. I tend to do it more with the homosexual men rather than lets say to freak out the straight mate. I find some guys on the recieving end of this seem to find it an endearing way with me trying to flirt, whereas perhaps the straight friends laugh but start wondering at same time. And i think that them thinking about me being somewhat "different" to their norm thought of me, I get off on it.

C'mon dont say you've never joked with a straight friend about humping or fancying him. The fact they think am straight makes the whole thing seem like a private joke.




Well, as an "ice-breaker" with other homosexual guys, I guess it works fine, and there's nothing unusual about using it.

But most of my STRAIGHT male friends get a bit pissed off if I come on to them. Part of it is insecurity, and the other part is irritation at me forcing my sexuality onto them and making them feel uncomfortable.

I guess I could understand it as a private joke with myself. But it would wear thin after a few times round.

[cakehead]

I guess I could understand it as a private joke with myself. But it would wear thin after a few times round.

Can I ask? Was that learned through personal experience?

Not to justify myself doing it, just wondering if it was something most people have done at some stage.

This method has honestly shown to me who are actually my true friends, and although am sure your recognisin the fact thats a poor friendship in itself to where I have to test such boundaries.... but at least I know the day when I have to tell myself and friends... I have the support I need.

[cakehead]

Meant to ask... IMO means?

[Skater Boy]

"IMO" means "In My Opinion".

I've done it once or twice... but for me it was more a question of WANTING to come out to someone, then backing out at the last minute by saying "just kidding".

That said, it didn't happen often because once you state the facts, its usually easier just to let them sit on the table then deny what you've just said.

Testing boundaries is not so bad. Sometimes, it can be easier to test than to ask directly if the issue is a sensitive one.

But remember... just try and be aware of the real reason that you do things... sometimes we have hidden motives for doing something, and other times its simple. As long as YOU know the reason...

[cakehead]

Incase your wondering the sense of immaturity in my writing and feelings. I'm 19 with about 2 years only of realisation that there was something more in life I felt I needed.

Last year inpaticular I came to the realisation its something to be embraced than feared. And altho I have regrets in people I have confided in, had sex with etc... I will never want to forget the experiences I have.

As you'll know, its hard to please everyone while pleasing yourself. But having a perfect balance to not lose anyone around you too.

I guess I have a few more years of trying to realise more about myself.

[shameless agitator]

This sounds to me like a childish way of dealing with your own internalized homophobia. By claiming to like men and then treating it like a joke, you are stating a belief that there would be something wrong with that. The only reason anyone would find humor in this would be if the announcement made them uncomfortable, or as Skaterboy said, created tension, and then the "just kidding" came as a relief. If gay friends laugh at this it's only because again you have created a sexual tension, in this case by making them wonder if you're available, which you then dispel with the "just kidding" lie. Iether come out of the closet or get the rest of the way back in, but this halfway shit can do nothing but make you look immature & piss people off when they eventually figure out what your orientation is.

[TaylorMade]

In the past year or so. I dsicovered myself as being bisexual.

No1 except my ex sleeping partners know about this, except I seem to get off on the fact of trying to tell someone.

Just joking about it constantly with mates, family and other people I cant seem to finish the sentence "I like to 'hump' guys too" without the "only kidding".

Its not fear.... I do really get off on this.

Is this normal?

I'm going to be a little different than usual. . .usually I'm VERY nonchalant on the subject of outing. I'm gonna make an exception and say:

Shit or get off the pot, dude.

I have a male friend of mine that does this and it's irritating. I've challenged him to come out as bi or knock it off.

He hasn't. I've cut him off . . .hurts because he's hawt as hell.

*Taylor*

[cakehead]

I'm going to be a little different than usual. . .usually I'm VERY nonchalant on the subject of outing. I'm gonna make an exception and say:

Shit or get off the pot, dude.

I have a male friend of mine that does this and it's irritating. I've challenged him to come out as bi or knock it off.

He hasn't. I've cut him off . . .hurts because he's hawt as hell.

*Taylor*

I totally understand what you mean. Honestly I mean no offence by it.

Buts its like... the intention is there to say it.... but once I've said it, adrenaline kicks in and I have to stop it by saying "only kidding".

I hope you understand I dont do it intentionally to create a "tension". Everyone comes out their own unqiue way, and like you said, you friend done it aswell, and it does not make us a bad person. Some societies as most people will know and amongst friends that homosexuality cant and will not be tolerated.

At least this way I can test their reaction, in a positive or negative way. Just at the moment it seems to be a game. Wondering if anyone has done this before. I've only started in the last two months or so to test it with the close people around me.

[naive]

i can't say that i have ever kidded (?) about my sexuality and i don't think that i ever would because i would only come out to someone that i'm really comfortable with. i would have to accept what their reaction would be, whether it be good or bad. i agree with SA's point of a level of internalised homophobia. i don't really understand the game of "getting off" on making people question your sexuality. it's like playing hard to get, but even with people that you're not attracted to. tbh, i don't get it.

if i had a friend that used the "i'm gay...NOT" joke on me, it wouldn't really be a good way to test my opinion of homosexuality because i would automatically question the reasoning behind the joke. maybe that's just me though, i read a lot into things. the advice i've been given here has been good enough for me, bring up glbt in normal discussion to gauge responses.

[the mage]

I totally understand what you mean. Honestly I mean no offence by it.

Buts its like... the intention is there to say it.... but once I've said it, adrenaline kicks in and I have to stop it by saying "only kidding".

I hope you understand I dont do it intentionally to create a "tension". Everyone comes out their own unqiue way, and like you said, you friend done it aswell, and it does not make us a bad person. Some societies as most people will know and amongst friends that homosexuality cant and will not be tolerated.

At least this way I can test their reaction, in a positive or negative way. Just at the moment it seems to be a game. Wondering if anyone has done this before. I've only started in the last two months or so to test it with the close people around me.

.................... Be careful who you tease and torment about sexuality, you can get hurt.
You are using (lame?) humor as a defense mechanism to avoid opening up to the huge risk of really being yourself to those close to you.
ummmmm.. dOOd, I suspect your closet walls are seen only by you.
It take very little time for your repeated "jokes" to be seen thru by others.

[naive]

.................... Be careful who you tease and torment about sexuality, you can get hurt.
You are using (lame?) humor as a defense mechanism to avoid opening up to the huge risk of really being yourself to those close to you.
ummmmm.. dOOd, I suspect your closet walls are seen only by you.
It take very little time for your repeated "jokes" to be seen thru by others.

we were all 19 once. humour certainly changes as we age. as do our intuitive skills at reading between the lines.

[cakehead]

we were all 19 once. humour certainly changes as we age. as do our intuitive skills at reading between the lines.

The real question was, did anyone have as many problems as I am facing coming out with my sexuality??

My term "norm" for coming out seemed to be criticised yet the way I seem to be coming out is being criticised. So there must be a norm way of coming out when I doing something different seems to be causing anger in your opinions??

You know, every group is different.

Take my gay friend for example. He came out to a group, who was later defined as homophobic, lost contact with almost all our friends, his dad wont acknowledge his sexuality, but later found a group of friends who understood him.

Watching.... and hearing all this. Does not by any means want me to break out and do that exact same. Not to say what he done was a mistake. But these friends are literly my world, and the last thing I want to hear from any of there mouth is talk behind my back, and being left out just cause I have slight... now and then attraction to certain men (none of my friends btw).

Part of me is dying to come out and tell them, be able to talk about who I have sex with, who I like, etc etc. But I know for a fact it can never be this way. I have one or two friends and a few old sleeping partners who I know I can talk to about it.

In an ideal world we wouldnt need to ask out people by sexuality, but by personality and I'm more than aware this will never happen. Also I'm aware I'm making the issue wider by thinking this, but fighting a system which in the homophobic society feel isn't broken, its not a battle I am willing to take on.

I guess the real question is:

How do you seperate your social life from your own sex life? Without letting the neighbours know your sleeping with there son? (Sorry if that last comment is immature)

[Skater Boy]

But these friends are literly my world, and the last thing I want to hear from any of there mouth is talk behind my back, and being left out just cause I have slight... now and then attraction to certain men (none of my friends btw).

Part of me is dying to come out and tell them, be able to talk about who I have sex with, who I like, etc etc. But I know for a fact it can never be this way. I have one or two friends and a few old sleeping partners who I know I can talk to about it.

I guess the real question is:

How do you seperate your social life from your own sex life? Without letting the neighbours know your sleeping with there son? (Sorry if that last comment is immature)

Ah... the age old question of whether its better to be hated for who you really are, than to be loved for what you're not.

There is no "right answer" to that one, IMO. So you'll have to figure it out for yourself.

As for the last question, one's social life and sex life are virtually inseperable these days. At least if you intend to have healthy intercourse on a regular basis. There's obviously no need to be blatant about sexual activities, but WHOMEVER you sleep with... someone else usually finds out eventually. And you can only deny your true feelings for so long without your "friends" wising up to your deceit.

I wish you good luck.

[cakehead]

Ah... the age old question of whether its better to be hated for who you really are, than to be loved for what you're not.

There is no "right answer" to that one, IMO. So you'll have to figure it out for yourself.

As for the last question, one's social life and sex life are virtually inseperable these days. At least if you intend to have healthy intercourse on a regular basis. There's obviously no need to be blatant about sexual activities, but WHOMEVER you sleep with... someone else usually finds out eventually. And you can only deny your true feelings for so long without your "friends" wising up to your deceit.

I wish you good luck.

Yeah, I know I defo know that.

But the people who know and found out are seperable from my immediate friends.

When I'm with the people who 'know', I dont feel out of place... as with my immediate friends I dont either.... yet I feel I have less things to say about the things I'd like to say.

It was liberating having my first sexual encounter like I had. Yet its hard to determine if it would be liberating to come out to friends or family.... or just seek discrete sexual encounters as I have done with my close gay friends.

its a tricky one.

[shameless agitator]

Alright Cake. Since you posted the original question, I've seen nothing from you but lame as rationalizations to justify what you know is immature behavior. Youth only excuses immaturity based on the idea that you don't know any better. This obviously isn't the case here. This is an opportunity to find out who your real friends are. Your true friends won't abandon you even if they are homphobic, instead they may actually examine their own assumptions. Anybody who can't accept you for yourself, you don't need. In the words od Dr. Seuss "Those who matter, don't mind and those who mind don't matter".If you want to be accepted for who you are, then grab your balls (assuming you can find them) and tell your friends the truth. If you don't respect yourself and your friends enough to do that, then shut the fuck up about it. I can have a lot of sympathy for people who are afraid to come out, but a closet case who makes fag jokes is no better than the preacher who says we're all going to hell, lobbies congress for anti-gay laws and then picks up a male prostitute on his way home.

[TaylorMade]

I totally understand what you mean. Honestly I mean no offence by it.

Buts its like... the intention is there to say it.... but once I've said it, adrenaline kicks in and I have to stop it by saying "only kidding".

I hope you understand I dont do it intentionally to create a "tension". Everyone comes out their own unqiue way, and like you said, you friend done it aswell, and it does not make us a bad person. Some societies as most people will know and amongst friends that homosexuality cant and will not be tolerated.

At least this way I can test their reaction, in a positive or negative way. Just at the moment it seems to be a game. Wondering if anyone has done this before. I've only started in the last two months or so to test it with the close people around me.

Offense or not, it's annoying. It's like you're ballsy enough to make a joke about it, but too much of a pussy to be honest.

My friend pisses me off because he can protect himself (the guy's got more guns than the local National Guard Armory, is an ex-Marine, still works out like he's active duty), has liberal attitudes toward homosexuality himself, and lives in a decent city for gay/bi people. His company won't fire him, he has no g/f anymore to hide from. . .it's not that he's a bad person; it's just he's a flaming pussy when he has no reason to be.

You've done enough testing... Just DO IT. It's one thing to not mention your sexuality in any way whatsoever and be in the closet, but in this situation... gah.

I'm betting your friends already know and are waiting for you to find your balls.

*Taylor*

[cakehead]

Immaturity also derives from the meaning of inexperience of being able to handle a situation better.

But you didnt read what I previously wrote. I said the fact my mates are homophobic doesnt make me want to lose them. There still my friends, I have my close friends but these are my friends which do everything stupid or not together.

From the general response I am getting from this forum is, "if there homophobic, there not your true friends", cause they'll never respect me for who I am?

To them I am the guy they can always turn to, always laugh with and do everything with, without that homophobic tension. That is who they know! My 'game' (perhaps I was naive to call it a game) started when I felt I needed people to know how I felt, and annoying as it is for the public to hear this is how I am doing this, people have to take the way there comfortable doing things "by any means necessary" (Malcolm X, 1965).

Although I'm nervous by nature, my intent isn't to offend (which I'm sure someone will find this annoying how I have repeatedly said this in the thread), upset nor uprise any more tension to bisexuality, homosexuality etc. But I would not be here on this website right now if I wasnt seeking genuine aid, over childish remarks to tell me to find my balls. I was hoping for someone in a similiar situation to say "yeah, everything did turn out okay! I was in that exact same position". But I guess not. I apoligise.

[shameless agitator]

All I'm saying, is as Taylor so aptly put it, shit or get off the pot. Iether come out to your friends or shut up about it. What you're doing right now is the highest form of hypocrisy.

[jem_is_bi]

Immaturity, trying to get shock value over something that's not that shocking at all, and fear.

As far as if it's "normal"?

I guess so.

I personally never did this before I came out, and I've never done this; but I know some closeted men who do what you wrote about, and it's very annoying.

I know closeted "straight" guys (not real hetero guys, closeted guys who want sex with men and say that they're "straight") who have flirted with me and ask me for sex and they're teases and flakes and when it comes down to actually getting naked and having sex they back out and say "oh I was just kidding!".

Then I'll sigh and ask them, why did you ask then? This was your idea in the first place. :rolleyes:

Playing games with me like that would really piss me off.
As Taylor says: Put up or shut up!
This sort of teasing is just being unpleasant at best.
Whether, the person is straight, bisexual, or gay you are being offensive.

Although, I can think of many much more offensive behaviors.

JEM

[naive]

Immaturity also derives from the meaning of inexperience of being able to handle a situation better.

But you didnt read what I previously wrote. I said the fact my mates are homophobic doesnt make me want to lose them. There still my friends, I have my close friends but these are my friends which do everything stupid or not together.

From the general response I am getting from this forum is, "if there homophobic, there not your true friends", cause they'll never respect me for who I am?

To them I am the guy they can always turn to, always laugh with and do everything with, without that homophobic tension. That is who they know! My 'game' (perhaps I was naive to call it a game) started when I felt I needed people to know how I felt, and annoying as it is for the public to hear this is how I am doing this, people have to take the way there comfortable doing things "by any means necessary" (Malcolm X, 1965).

Although I'm nervous by nature, my intent isn't to offend (which I'm sure someone will find this annoying how I have repeatedly said this in the thread), upset nor uprise any more tension to bisexuality, homosexuality etc. But I would not be here on this website right now if I wasnt seeking genuine aid, over childish remarks to tell me to find my balls. I was hoping for someone in a similiar situation to say "yeah, everything did turn out okay! I was in that exact same position". But I guess not. I apoligise.

i guess u can see that u've touched quite a nerve cake. most of the advice that u get from this forum comes from people with a lot of experience because the newbies are just as confused as u are. with experience comes passion, so when u go on about externalising ur homophobia by joking about it with other homophobes then it's gonna piss people off. u may be comfortable doing ur thing in ur own way, but most of the people here know what they are talking about, and they can see that it can only lead to bad things.

so from newbie to newbie, here's my :2cents:. i agree with everyone that say either stay in or out of the closet, don't sit in between. u can already see the reaction that bis/gays have about ur joking. it's not hard to imagine what ur straight friends will think if/when they find out the truth.

i can't say that i have been in ur position nor do i even hope to be there. i don't envy u at all. but i can relate to u not wanting to lose any friends from ur outing. i fear this too, but i've come to accept that if my friends are homophobes, i can't change to suit them. so it will be a sad fact that i can lose them. u have to ask urself the same thing, what's gonna change, ur sexuality or their homophobia? if neither is true, then the outlook is bleak.

nobody's gonna say that everything will be okay because everyone can see that never happens. u lose friends when u come out, but that doesn't mean u won't find new ones that accept u for who u are.

hth, i think i have more "less harsh" advice in me. just ask.

[shameless agitator]

i can relate to u not wanting to lose any friends from ur outing. i fear this too, but i've come to accept that if my friends are homophobes, i can't change to suit them. so it will be a sad fact that i can lose them. u have to ask urself the same thing, what's gonna change, ur sexuality or their homophobia? if neither is true, then the outlook is bleak.

Now that is the mature way to look at the situation.

[the mage]

If you know your "friends" to be homophobic you are a fool to be with them.

You are a lowly faggot to them no matter what spin you try to put on it.

Do some thinking on where you'll be in 10 years then decide who are your friends.

[cakehead]

i guess u can see that u've touched quite a nerve cake. most of the advice that u get from this forum comes from people with a lot of experience because the newbies are just as confused as u are. with experience comes passion, so when u go on about externalising ur homophobia by joking about it with other homophobes then it's gonna piss people off. u may be comfortable doing ur thing in ur own way, but most of the people here know what they are talking about, and they can see that it can only lead to bad things.

so from newbie to newbie, here's my :2cents:. i agree with everyone that say either stay in or out of the closet, don't sit in between. u can already see the reaction that bis/gays have about ur joking. it's not hard to imagine what ur straight friends will think if/when they find out the truth.

i can't say that i have been in ur position nor do i even hope to be there. i don't envy u at all. but i can relate to u not wanting to lose any friends from ur outing. i fear this too, but i've come to accept that if my friends are homophobes, i can't change to suit them. so it will be a sad fact that i can lose them. u have to ask urself the same thing, what's gonna change, ur sexuality or their homophobia? if neither is true, then the outlook is bleak.

nobody's gonna say that everything will be okay because everyone can see that never happens. u lose friends when u come out, but that doesn't mean u won't find new ones that accept u for who u are.

hth, i think i have more "less harsh" advice in me. just ask.

Can I just say thanks for this response. I took everyones opinion in, I really have, but I really appreciate the genuine support you have offered to give me.

The general feeling I have personally got from bisexuality, is that I'll never stop being confused until I have met someone or some people which will make it clear to me what bisexuality is. I dont believe the myths associated with this how "we'll never find the one". But I am more disconcerted with who this someone will be.

I think am looking for a straight or gay answer. If I am being really honest I'm really struggling with the concept I can be both (probably the worst thing to say on a bisexual.com), but I dont be a bad idea to explore I could be either or. My head is saying I should be either or, but how I can litterly be with my girlfriend, and be attracted by a gay friend at the same time really to me is tearing my skull apart.

Where this extends to I dont know, I guess I'm writing in fear of a negative response. Altho! I do appreciate for being told, hope you can kinda forgive my immaturity to which I played with a deep and personal subject to whats in everyone of our hearts here.

P.S. I vow I wont play 'the game' again on my friends. I appreciate how I wouldnt like it to be done to myself. But!! on the other hand its worked as a power of flirting with a few ex same sex partners, so may try that one a few more times!

[cakehead]

If you know your "friends" to be homophobic you are a fool to be with them.

You are a lowly faggot to them no matter what spin you try to put on it.

Do some thinking on where you'll be in 10 years then decide who are your friends.

I appreciate that, I just feel I need to hold on to my security blanket even just for a few more months, till I know I am ready in myself to tell people.

[naive]

P.S. I vow I wont play 'the game' again on my friends. I appreciate how I wouldnt like it to be done to myself. But!! on the other hand its worked as a power of flirting with a few ex same sex partners, so may try that one a few more times!

i really do hope u have learnt something. because playing "the game" with ur ex's can still have a couple of unsavoury outcomes:

they also believe ur externalising ur homophobia and thus claiming that their sexuality is "wrong"
they think that ur a tease who can't admit to ur bisexuality (thus putting urself in a bad light)

the only positive that i can see is if they share ur humour of playing hard to get and they find enjoyment in trying to convert a straight man in denial.

[shameless agitator]

P.S. I vow I wont play 'the game' again on my friends. I appreciate how I wouldnt like it to be done to myself. I was very glad to read this. Playing that same "game" is what got Sam Shephard beaten to death when people figured out he actually was gay.