nothings5d
Sep 15, 2007, 2:48 AM
It's weird what our feelings end up doing to us. When I first realized I was bisexual I was afraid to tell anyone for fear of rejection, of what they might think of me. As a result of this I just bottled my feelings up and pretended like they didn't exist when I was near people who didn't know. My parents were the first people I told, mostly because I pretty much knew what their reaction was going to be and I knew I wouldn't be hurt. But around all my friends at college I still acted like I was straight.
Recently though, during a conversation about relationships, I told a friend that I was bisexual. It sort of just slipped out of my mouth and I asked her not to tell anyone, she immediately said to me "Don't tell anyone, but I'm bi too." That reaction gave me a little confidence about telling people, though it caught me by surprise. That was about two weeks ago. Last week a friend was talking about this test to determine sexuality based off the length of your fingers. He asked me to compare my index and ring fingers, I told him they were the same length and he immediately said, "That means you're bisexual." I immediately came back with something to the effect of, "No shit!" Really the only reaction from the people in the room though was a bit of surprise. Then on Thursday at the beginning of one of my programming classes, before the professor got there, the guy next to me was talking about relationships. This guy tries to turn everything into jokes and he suddenly turned to me and started asking about why I didn't have a girlfriend and if I actually wanted one. I just turned to him and said, "Girlfriend, boyfriend, I don't care. I'm bisexual." I still don't really know why I said it, it seemed like a good idea at the time though.
So now a good deal of my friends know, and none of them seem to really care. The fact that none of them care is, to me, the weirdest part of it all. I was especially expecting the guy I said it in class to to react badly, he's a rather stereotypical Christian, he's even a preacher's son. After steeling myself up for bad reactions from people I had a bit of pent up anger at the intolerance I was expecting to receive. Thinking about it now I know why I told the guy in programming class. He was the person I most expected to be intolerant. I was trying to pick a fight with him to help let out some of my anger. Since he didn't react much at all that left me without anyone intolerant to take my anger out on, so I turned the anger toward the only person I could, myself.
During the last day and a half I found myself on a downward spiral of self hate. Anytime I made the slightest mistake I would harp on and on about it until I turned an innocent little error into the worst mistake of my life. The worst of the lot, and granted this one was a little bad socially speaking, got turned into something so bad that in my hate confused mind suicide started looking like a viable answer, and not for the first time in my life. I was just lying in bed contemplating what to do when I realized that none of the people involved in the bad social mistake had even mentioned it since. I started thinking about it and I realized I was being an idiot. My mixed up emotions had taken my mind along routes it never would have gone normally, and all because I didn't get the response I was expecting out of other people. This all reminds me of a reading in my East Asian Philosophy class about Daoism. Daoism is all about living a better life by not reacting based off conscious decisions but by simply going off pure instinct. Maybe they had something there.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of an essay didn't it...
Recently though, during a conversation about relationships, I told a friend that I was bisexual. It sort of just slipped out of my mouth and I asked her not to tell anyone, she immediately said to me "Don't tell anyone, but I'm bi too." That reaction gave me a little confidence about telling people, though it caught me by surprise. That was about two weeks ago. Last week a friend was talking about this test to determine sexuality based off the length of your fingers. He asked me to compare my index and ring fingers, I told him they were the same length and he immediately said, "That means you're bisexual." I immediately came back with something to the effect of, "No shit!" Really the only reaction from the people in the room though was a bit of surprise. Then on Thursday at the beginning of one of my programming classes, before the professor got there, the guy next to me was talking about relationships. This guy tries to turn everything into jokes and he suddenly turned to me and started asking about why I didn't have a girlfriend and if I actually wanted one. I just turned to him and said, "Girlfriend, boyfriend, I don't care. I'm bisexual." I still don't really know why I said it, it seemed like a good idea at the time though.
So now a good deal of my friends know, and none of them seem to really care. The fact that none of them care is, to me, the weirdest part of it all. I was especially expecting the guy I said it in class to to react badly, he's a rather stereotypical Christian, he's even a preacher's son. After steeling myself up for bad reactions from people I had a bit of pent up anger at the intolerance I was expecting to receive. Thinking about it now I know why I told the guy in programming class. He was the person I most expected to be intolerant. I was trying to pick a fight with him to help let out some of my anger. Since he didn't react much at all that left me without anyone intolerant to take my anger out on, so I turned the anger toward the only person I could, myself.
During the last day and a half I found myself on a downward spiral of self hate. Anytime I made the slightest mistake I would harp on and on about it until I turned an innocent little error into the worst mistake of my life. The worst of the lot, and granted this one was a little bad socially speaking, got turned into something so bad that in my hate confused mind suicide started looking like a viable answer, and not for the first time in my life. I was just lying in bed contemplating what to do when I realized that none of the people involved in the bad social mistake had even mentioned it since. I started thinking about it and I realized I was being an idiot. My mixed up emotions had taken my mind along routes it never would have gone normally, and all because I didn't get the response I was expecting out of other people. This all reminds me of a reading in my East Asian Philosophy class about Daoism. Daoism is all about living a better life by not reacting based off conscious decisions but by simply going off pure instinct. Maybe they had something there.
Sorry, that turned into a bit of an essay didn't it...