I Could Use Some Help

[Cyrano]

I'm a married white male, 32, with three great kids and a loving wife. I was involved with guys a bit as a teen but I'm undeniably into girls, too.

For the past decade I've used porn and toys to take care of any same sex urges I was having. And these urges come and go. My wife knows I'm bi, in so much as I told her my history when we met and I'll occasionally comment on an actor being hot or something simple like that. But she's pretty reserved sexually and she will never go for me having anything on the side.

So my questions:

Question #1. Am I bi? It's a stupid question I know because it's all very subjective and it's about who I feel I am, etc., etc. But seriously, I've been with a woman for over a decade. On the other hand, I use vibrators and dream of it being a guy inside me. Is it who we've been doing or what we've felt like doing that defines us?

Question #2. As I said, my wife would not be cool with me exploring with others but I really really really feel I need to. I really want to know how it feels when my body gets a guy off and not some toy. I want to feel what it's like to be the object of someone else's desire to penetrate. And then, when it's all over, I'd like to still be married to (and sleeping with) my wife. What should I do?

I really could use any advice you can offer as I'm turning into a bit of a wreck lately. I want to be a good person and honest with myself at the same time. Part of me thinks I never should have gotten married but hey, I love my wife and my kids and I can't imagine my life without them.

Thanks in advance for any and all advice,

Cyrano

[Doggie_Wood]

I'm a married white male, 32, with three great kids and a loving wife. .........
For the past decade I've used porn and toys to take care of any same sex urges I was having. And these urges come and go. My wife knows I'm bi, ........
But she's pretty reserved sexually and she will never go for me having anything on the side.

So my questions:

Question #1. Am I bi?

That my friend is a question that only you can answer. That is why so many of use have come to this site - searching for the answer(s) that only oneself can give.


Question #2. As I said, my wife would not be cool with me exploring with others but I really really really feel I need to. I really want to know how it feels when my body gets a guy off and not some toy. I want to feel what it's like to be the object of someone else's desire to penetrate. And then, when it's all over, I'd like to still be married to (and sleeping with) my wife. What should I do?

If your marriage is solid and stable, talk to her. Open up and let her know how you feel. On the other hand, if it is not as solid, then don't rock the boat and jepordize what you have. And don't cheat!


...................... I love my wife and my kids and I can't imagine my life without them.

I for one, would not (could not) have an affair with a married man that his wife didn't know what he was doing. I refuse to be the monkey wrench in a fifth wheel so to speek.

Hope this helped.

Alway,

JD aka Doggie :doggie:

[DiamondDog]

I'd say that you're bi. You're attracted to men and you want to have sex with them and bottom for a guy.

I also agree with Dogwood. If you can't imagine life without your wife and kids and you're not in an open relationship DON'T CHEAT!

[HighEnergy]

Being honest and being able to have open communication is the mark of a great marriage. Tell her that. Tell her you love your marriage and want it to be the best it can be. Keeping feelings to yourself is obvious, to her and to you. Wives know when you've got something making those wheels in there turn. Don't be the stereotypical guy and say "nothing". Tell her your desires, but also tell her that you won't ever be dishonest with her about it, or do anything with someone else without her knowing and being ok with that. I bet she knows about your toys whether you think she does or not. Talk to her openly about whether she'd be willing to play with you ass? Why not? The worst she can say is no.

I told my partner that as long as he's open and honest, I'm ok. Catch his ass cheating, and all hell will break loose. I better not catch you fucking the a/c repairman unless you've let me know you're going to. I'll either not come home and give you that privacy, or maybe I'll come home to play too, but I don't want to come home and be surprised! He would call me from work to tell me about some gorgeous guy who walked in and now he was all hot and bothered. Sometimes we had great sex that night, and sometimes not, depending on how he was feeling about it. I embraced who he was and loved him as he was. We kept it open and honest and joked about it.

You know, she might be reserved sexually because she knows about your history and wonders and worries if she satisfies you. She might be afraid to ask what more she can do. Maybe not. Keep giving her the reassurances that you wrote in here: How much you love her and the kids. Telling her what she does that makes you happy, in bed, something she cooks, watching her comb her hair, watching her play with the dog, the kids, whatever, will do wonders.

And when it's not the forbidden fruit, you might not want to stray. When the feelings are not all bottled up and hidden, they can't control you as much.

Not all straight wives and girlfriends are morons. We just want to know what makes you tick, and and that you love us and respect us. And all of this is just my humble opinion. I don't know you or your wife, but it's how I reacted to my sweetheart.

[pogostiks]

When people have wondered (aloud) whether they are straight or gay... I have always asked them what their masturbatory fantasies are. If they masturbate to fantasies of women, they are straight. If they do it while thinking of men, they are gay. If they use both, depending on the day etc... they are bi.

Do you ever masturbate thinking of other women than your wife? Or only about men?

Unless you are willing to risk cheating on your wife, I would suggest that you buy her a strap-on and let HER fuck your ass. That way you can see the look in HER eyes as she gets you off.

The real question is to know if you fantasize also about other females. If the only woman who turns you on is your wife, but you feel completely drawn to men, well, then I would say you are probably gay and settled for a woman and kids rather than a man. It is possible to love ONE woman yet be particularly drawn to men. This was the case with the composer Cole Porter. He was gay but loved his wife too (although if I remember correctly they didn't have sex).

[shameless agitator]

As to your first question, I'd say yes, you're bi. Of course only you can really know for sure, but that's the way it sounds to me. Now as far as your wife, You have a couple sets of options. You can

(1) Talk to her about it. She may surprise you and be more accomadating than you think. Of course, she may say no, she doesn't want you involved with anybody else, but what have you lost in that case? Even if she absolutely forbids you to have realtions with men, maybe she'd be willing to use the toys on you. A strap-on or feeldoe on the woman you love can be amazing.

(2) Spend the rest of your marriage repressing your same sex desires & hiding them from your wife.

(3) Hide your sexuality from your wife & cheat on her.

Obviously I recommend #1 If you go with this option and she does surprise you, your options will be dependant on just how accomadating she's willing to be & you'll have to figure those out at that time. If, as you fear she just will not accomadate you at all you again have 3 options as I see it. You can

(1) Forego men & relegate that part of your sexuality strictly to your fantasy life.

(2) Sleep with men behind her back, which personally I will never advocate for anyone. Besides the betrayal of trust, this also involves risking her health and life without her consent.

(3) End the marriage and find yourself another partner who will be more accepting of your sexuality.

Obviously, this would be a tough decision and basically come down to the relative importance of your marriage vs your same sex attractions. Good luck to you on this one.

[jedinudist]

Question #1. Am I bi?
Cyrano

Just as we all discover sooner or later - you can not ask others to define you. To do so is to invite stress, pain, and turmoil into your life. Only you can figure out what your orientation is. There is no "checklist" of criteria that defines who is what. That is something that comes from deep within each of us on our own. The process of discovering/admitting can be a long drawn out one full of introspection and questioning, or a short one full of surety. It can be a million things in between. However, it is a journey that although taken with the support and advice of friends and loved ones, it must be taken alone within yourself.

Good Luck.



Question #2. As I said, my wife would not be cool with me exploring with others but I really really really feel I need to. I really want to know how it feels when my body gets a guy off and not some toy. I want to feel what it's like to be the object of someone else's desire to penetrate. And then, when it's all over, I'd like to still be married to (and sleeping with) my wife. What should I do?
Cyrano

BE HONEST. With yourself and with your wife. Nothing less than honesty will work. You will have to judge how best to approach the topic with her. It may involve counseling, etc., or just be between the two of you. However, you will have to be COMPLETELY honest with her. And above all - - - BE FAITHFUL TO YOUR WIFE.

Respect her above yourself during this process. Show her how much she means to you by being honest and faithful to her.

[Cyrano]

Thank you all for the great insights and for confirming for me what I guess I already knew: only I can decide my orientation and honesty is the only policy.

It all looks very good on paper but it's hard advice to follow.

I still feel very confused and conflicted.

There's so much at stake.

Maybe too much.

I think my only choices are to either slowly begin dialog on the subject (which could cause problems by itself) or do nothing.

Stoicism has long been my trademark.

I really wish things were different.

Cyrano

[HOT1FORU72]

hell if worst comes to worst do cam to cam to start out and you dont have to get involved with noone

[karenooo]

I feel your pain.

You are in a diffucult spot. And of course you are at least bi. You are also not alone. I just posted a similar issue and also got great advice.

Check out the thread "advice please on tying the knot when bi"

Good luck!:)

[citystyleguy]

As to your first question, I'd say yes, you're bi. Of course only you can really know for sure, but that's the way it sounds to me. Now as far as your wife, You have a couple sets of options. You can

(1) Talk to her about it. She may surprise you and be more accomadating than you think. Of course, she may say no, she doesn't want you involved with anybody else, but what have you lost in that case? Even if she absolutely forbids you to have realtions with men, maybe she'd be willing to use the toys on you. A strap-on or feeldoe on the woman you love can be amazing.

(2) Spend the rest of your marriage repressing your same sex desires & hiding them from your wife.

(3) Hide your sexuality from your wife & cheat on her.

Obviously I recommend #1 If you go with this option and she does surprise you, your options will be dependant on just how accomadating she's willing to be & you'll have to figure those out at that time. If, as you fear she just will not accomadate you at all you again have 3 options as I see it. You can

(1) Forego men & relegate that part of your sexuality strictly to your fantasy life.

(2) Sleep with men behind her back, which personally I will never advocate for anyone. Besides the betrayal of trust, this also involves risking her health and life without her consent.

(3) End the marriage and find yourself another partner who will be more accepting of your sexuality.

Obviously, this would be a tough decision and basically come down to the relative importance of your marriage vs your same sex attractions. Good luck to you on this one.

pretty much spells it out here! two things; DON'T CHEAT! BE HONEST TO YOURSELF! and that pretty much puts you in hell!

the best of luck to you and may you find your place in the sun!

[ambi53mm]

Question #1. Am I bi? It's a stupid question I know because it's all very subjective and it's about who I feel I am, etc., etc. But seriously, I've been with a woman for over a decade. On the other hand, I use vibrators and dream of it being a guy inside me. Is it who we've been doing or what we've felt like doing that defines us?
I would have to concur with many of the other people perceiving you as a “bisexual male”. There are many of us that are married with children myself included. I don’t think being married or having children has any bearing on determining one’s sexual preferences or orientation. Like you, these fantasies, thoughts, etc. started in my teens long before I ever got married. When I was younger I thought that eventually they would disappear….they didn’t….and being closer to the other end of this life span…I can pretty much conclude the way I felt yesterday will probably be the same way I’ll feel tomorrow.

Acceptance has bought some relief to an area that was previously dominated by guilt and denial. Calmness and understanding has replaced what was once confusion and internal conflict. I think if you can come to terms with those parts of yourself, even if you share them with no other, you’ll have made progress in an area that really has value to your spirit



Question #2. As I said, my wife would not be cool with me exploring with others but I really really really feel I need to. I really want to know how it feels when my body gets a guy off and not some toy. I want to feel what it's like to be the object of someone else's desire to penetrate. And then, when it's all over, I'd like to still be married to (and sleeping with) my wife. What should I do?


Hmmm So if you bring your sexual fantasies into this reality and have sex with a male on the side you’ve cheated on your wife…..on the other hand if you stay true to her and deny yourself the experiences you crave…you’ve only cheated yourself….Personal growth has always dominated my direction…even when it was painful to myself…or in some situations others felt the pain of my actions….There’s no right way…no wrong way from a moral standpoint that has anymore merit than another, although many would prefer to believe that there is.. Their beliefs..their dilema to struggle with..My belief, There is only the experience…and our personal obligation to take responsiblity for our actions…..You wouldn’t be the first person to “Have his cake and eat it to”... like so many others out there and who probably constitute the silent majority of this site. Who am I to judge what's right or wrong for another? Good Luck whatever your course and Safe Journey.

Ambi:)