First time.

[shadow_dancer]

I've struggled with my bisexuality all my life. I was genuinely confused how I could have sexual feelings for certain men whilst simultaneously having them for certain women. I often fluctuated between between believing I was a lesbian whose feelings for men were the result of not wanting to be gay (i.e. denial) and believing I was straight as an arrow and my attraction to women was the byproduct of the female form being so objectified and sexualized in society.

I think I'm beginning to come to terms with the fact that bisexuality is in fact a real thing and my feelings for both men and women are genuine and nothing to be confused or ashamed about. I hate the fact that there are so many assumptions made (in both the mainstream and gay communities) about people who experience sexual feelings for members of both sexes. I'm at a loss for how to express any of this to the world if in fact I express it at all.

But the thing is I've had something happen just recently. I've been with, loved and dated men throughout my teenage years. A few weeks back I was actively pursuing a man who didn't end up sharing my level of interest. But no matter, the point is I'd never touched the other part of my sexuality... until a few days ago. I met a wonderful girl about my age, also bisexual. I can't even begin to explain what's happened since then, only that it's been pure magic. I feel as if a big missing piece of myself has fallen into place. She may even find my enthusiasm tiring - since I've been with her I've been riding a kind of hypersexuality that's been close to all-consuming. There are things I've been able to explore with her that I've not really been able to explore with guys, though I feel that if and when I'm in a sexual relationship with a man again this new found confidence couldn't but spill over. It's been amazing.

But at the same time I'm kind of scared. Okay, real scared. I don't feel like I can even tell my closest friends about this relationship to say nothing of my co-workers. For starters I don't want to be cast as a lesbian for a number of reasons... I'm not and I know I'm not being the most important. I'm also pretty terrified of people knowing I'm in a same-sex relationship (even if they accept the fact that I'm bisexual) and I can't really put my finger on why... I wasn't raised in a homophobic home and I myself have no personal aversion to same sex relations so I'm not sure why I have this fear.

But at the same time I'm dying to scream my love from the rooftops and I'm frustrated that I don't feel like I can go to my friends with it as I would if she were a guy. But wow... is she ever quickly turning into my world.

I don't know that I'm looking for any particular response. I just wanted to tell someone impartial. Thanks for listening and I'm so happy to have found this place.

[coyotedude]

Congrats, dancer!

Shout it here as much as you want! And have fun!

Peace

[shameless agitator]

Welcome shadow and congratulations on finding yourself. I think you'll find that most of us have been in pretty similar situations to yours and we're always ready to listen. I try not to give advice much, instead just pointing out options, but in this case I'm going to give you a little unsolicited advice. I would recommend coming out to your family and friends before introducing them to your new gf. This should be about you, not her. If you come out to people by introducing them to her, in their minds, she will always be the person who "broke" you and that just isn't fair to anybody. It would also be easier for people to digest the news if it was broken up that way. Just my :2cents:

[shadow_dancer]

Welcome shadow and congratulations on finding yourself. I think you'll find that most of us have been in pretty similar situations to yours and we're always ready to listen. I try not to give advice much, instead just pointing out options, but in this case I'm going to give you a little unsolicited advice. I would recommend coming out to your family and friends before introducing them to your new gf. This should be about you, not her. If you come out to people by introducing them to her, in their minds, she will always be the person who "broke" you and that just isn't fair to anybody. It would also be easier for people to digest the news if it was broken up that way. Just my :2cents:

Hi there. Thanks for the words of wisdom... I guess my primary response if I don't really know how to come out as bi. I mean, so long as I was with guys it didn't seem to make any difference to me that I was also attracted to women but now things have changed. I feel as if it's not quite the same thing as being gay/lesbian and coming out. Any ideas of how to, um... slip this into conversation without making it some huge deal? I don't want to sit everyone down and say "I have a big announcement to make..."

[innaminka]

I feel as if a big missing piece of myself has fallen into place. She may even find my enthusiasm tiring - since I've been with her I've been riding a kind of hypersexuality that's been close to all-consuming. There are things I've been able to explore with her that I've not really been able to explore with guys, though I feel that if and when I'm in a sexual relationship with a man again this new found confidence couldn't but spill over. It's been amazing.
..........
But at the same time I'm kind of scared. Okay, real scared. .

You have just described how I felt after that "1st" time. You so accurately described how beautiful the physical side of lovemaking between 2 women can become. And the wonderful feelings it engenders.

Yes,, its scarey, but in such a beautiful way.

Actual, practising (that is doing "it") bisexuality is such a wonderfully fulfilling place to be.
Welcome aboard. :love1:

[shameless agitator]

Hi there. Thanks for the words of wisdom... I guess my primary response if I don't really know how to come out as bi. I mean, so long as I was with guys it didn't seem to make any difference to me that I was also attracted to women but now things have changed. I feel as if it's not quite the same thing as being gay/lesbian and coming out. Any ideas of how to, um... slip this into conversation without making it some huge deal? I don't want to sit everyone down and say "I have a big announcement to make..." Well, with some of my friends I just kind of slipped it in when we were talking about GLBT stuff. With my family I called everyone and said something like I know nobody will really be surprised or particularly care, but I'm officially coming out of the closet. My mother's reaction was priceless, "So it's official huh?" Don't know how well that'd work for you, but it's how I handled it.

[naive]

Welcome shadow and congratulations on finding yourself. I think you'll find that most of us have been in pretty similar situations to yours and we're always ready to listen. I try not to give advice much, instead just pointing out options, but in this case I'm going to give you a little unsolicited advice. I would recommend coming out to your family and friends before introducing them to your new gf. This should be about you, not her. If you come out to people by introducing them to her, in their minds, she will always be the person who "broke" you and that just isn't fair to anybody. It would also be easier for people to digest the news if it was broken up that way. Just my :2cents:

i find this very interesting. i think i've read your advice before about making our bisexuality about ourselves and not other people. i think i also agree but in practice i can see how it becomes harder. i certainly want to come out (i already have my first person in mind) before revealing a same-sex partner but for the uninitiated, the automatic question will be "how do u know?" "you've never tried it before" "what you're going through is just a phase" i know i'm getting pretty specific here but how long do you think is the best time to separate coming out from the first introduction? your "first" will always have some stigma attached to them anyway right?

secondly, the announcement of coming out. there has never been much glbt discussion with my family or friends. so i can't even imagine trying to just slip it into conversation. i feel like i have no choice but to make it a big deal, even though i don't really want to.

[Cesca]

I come from the South East of England and lived in Hove. Hove to the uninititiated is next door to Brighton which is a very large gay centre on the south coast. So 'gayness' touches almost everyones lives because of the large numbers of gay and lesbian people in the city. It something which is difficult to escape.

I went out with a girl for a month or so who was not 'out' but but was a confirmed lesbian. She struggled for much the time we were together with anguish because she so desperately wanted to tell her family but had always lacked the courage to do so. Brighton has a large Pride do and its great fun and brings a lot of colour not to say vistors and money to the town.

Last years Pride was on and we were sitting having a meal at her parents when her brother came in and started moaning about 'Fucking poofs and dykes blocking up the town with their fucking parade. They should be gassed'. I was aghast at this as you would expect but before I could say anything my girl friend piped up calm as you like 'Well Im sorry you feel like that but we are two of those dykes'. It was a surreal scene almost like something out of a comic movie. I literally choked on my food and spluttered it everywhere. Chins dropped and eyes opened wide. The dining room was a bit tense when my girl friends mum said 'Well. Thats put your nose out of joint Will dear. Sit down and eat your dinner."

[Trinity-Fl]

In 1998 I was a single male seeking a couple. When I moved in with S & S we began a period of explanation to family. The "small bits of info" system seemed to work for us. At work when someone asked what "we" did over the weekend I'd say "The 3 of us went to a movie." At home we say, "It's in "our" bedroom," when asked. We had a spare bedroom and once a friend asked if she could change in what she assumed was my room. I answered, "You can change in there but "my" room is that one," pointing to the master bedroom.

We lived together almost 4 years as an MFM triad. We slept in a queen size bed for about 9 months. Once my fem partner and I went bed shopping without her husband and stopped by her mom's. She said, "Well, it's about time. The 3 of you sleeping in that little bed!"

The triad broke up when our male partner acknowledged that he was really gay and wanted an M-M only relationship. My fem partner and I are still a couple after 9 years and have an ongoing LDR with a male lover about 4 hours from our home.

Our families seem to have accepted that we have "male friends" who visit with us for an evening or weekend and that we have an "open relationship" which allows my fem partner to "date" other men (and a couple of women.) They've even met several of our male friends socially.

Good luck with your new realtionship. Hope all goes well.

[shameless agitator]

i find this very interesting. i think i've read your advice before about making our bisexuality about ourselves and not other people. i think i also agree but in practice i can see how it becomes harder. i certainly want to come out (i already have my first person in mind) before revealing a same-sex partner but for the uninitiated, the automatic question will be "how do u know?" "you've never tried it before" "what you're going through is just a phase" i know i'm getting pretty specific here but how long do you think is the best time to separate coming out from the first introduction? your "first" will always have some stigma attached to them anyway right?

secondly, the announcement of coming out. there has never been much glbt discussion with my family or friends. so i can't even imagine trying to just slip it into conversation. i feel like i have no choice but to make it a big deal, even though i don't really want to.Well, I can't really give you a time frame, though the way I see it you don't generally want to introduce somebody to your family until you've been together for a while & you're pretty sure it's serious. If you were to come out while you were single or in the very early sr\tages of a relationship, that should give everybody time to process before meeting the new partner. You may get doubt as you pointed out, because of inexperience, but the seed is still planted in their mind & they won't be so shocked when you do finally have someone for them to meet.
The "small bits of info" system seemed to work for us. At work when someone asked what "we" did over the weekend I'd say "The 3 of us went to a movie." At home we say, "It's in "our" bedroom," when asked. We had a spare bedroom and once a friend asked if she could change in what she assumed was my room. I answered, "You can change in there but "my" room is that one," pointing to the master bedroom.

I also like this system, but I think that's more for friends & casual aquaintances. Of course a lot will depend on your own family dynamic.

[naive]

i've had this internal discussion going on in my head.

me: so what do u think about glbt's?

them: i have nothing against them. what they do is their business. i don't need to know what they get up to.

me: well i'm sorry for u, coz i'm one of "them".

is this a bad approach?

[HighEnergy]

i've had this internal discussion going on in my head.

me: so what do u think about glbt's?

them: i have nothing against them. what they do is their business. i don't need to know what they get up to.

me: well i'm sorry for u, coz i'm one of "them".

is this a bad approach?

It's rather confrontational and passive-aggressive. Why not use open honest basic communication instead? Or are you doing this with folks you really don't care for?

[naive]

some advice i was given was to bring up glbt in discussion rather than just coming straight out so as to gauge people's opinions of bisexuals. i would never come out to anyone that i don't care about. that would be a waste of my time.

i guess my last response was flippant, so i'm sure i could put it a better way but what do you say to someone that "tolerates" but prefers to avoid the subject?

[kyliekairamone]

shadow -

thanks for putting yourself out here in your post. what an exciting time! you deserve all the wonder and beauty that comes with it.

your story, and those of so many others, also serves as inspiration for people like me who have yet to find that magic '1st time', but know that it's possible, it's coming, it's what we dream about and want and what makes us bi.

congratulations, way to follow your heart, peace and love