advice please on tying the knot when bi

[karenooo]

Hello I'm Jenny,

Well I'm getting ready to tie the knot to my open-minded finace. He understands that I'm bi and said we'll work out something.... I don't want to have a 3some. I want a girl on the side but I'm worried it will make a negative impact on my marriage. But being bottled up and frustrated isn't helping either. Help!

[shameless agitator]

Hello I'm Jenny,

He understands that I'm bi and said we'll work out something.... Make sure you do this before you get married. Other than that, I got nothin'

[Fire Lotus]

I agree with shameless agitator. This is most important. Also, always keep communications open and honest.

[shameless agitator]

I agree with shameless agitator. Need to be careful about doing that. It'll get ya a bad rep:tong:

[Fire Lotus]

Need to be careful about doing that. It'll get ya a bad rep:tong:

I ain't skeered. *dances around and sings Joan Jett's "Bad Reputation". :tongue:

[TashaSW]

TALK TO HIM....

Do not get married THEN tell him how you feel... that could cause a lot of problems.

One reason why my ex and I split was lack of commucation. I would be trying to talk to him but I would get no reponse from him.
Finally I just gave up.... started talking to my friends and family my issues and fusterations. He didn't like that... didn't think I should be "airing dirty laundry" and our problems to other people.
So I said "fine... can we please talk?" and what do I get.
Moody looks and then ignoring me to play his computer game telling me he didn;t want to talk.

I felt he was fine up to when we got married.. then he changed.... who was he?? this wasn;t the guy I married.

While neither him or I are bisexual..... it was COMMUNICATION that ruined our marriage. No matter how hard I tried. He didn't wnat to communicate with me....yet he could commuincate perfectly fine with everyone else.

I think you should talk to your fiance... tell him what you fell.. tell him you don;'t want a threesome... you want a girlfriend.
Its OK they can meet and be friends but anything sexual with her would be ONLY you and her.
If he can't agree then maybe your gonna have to think about marriage. Don't ever do threesome just cause he does... and you said you didn't want threesome. Thats that. Nothing wrong with that. Otherwise you may just make yourself miserable and that alone could hurt the marriage.

[BicuriousIndy2]

This is a double edged sword you carry. I would make sure and talk everything out before you get married, that is not to say thing won't change after you are married. You loved him enough to say yes when he asked you to marry him, did you have a girl friend then and did he know? Would it be ok for him to have a girl on the side also? I am sorry if my question hurt they are not meant too but they will come up when you do talk with your soon to be husband.

[smokey]

In my humble opinion having someone on the side is a recipe for failure. Bi or not if you cannot settle on being with the person you marry and stick to it then you shouldn't get married. open marriages seldom last, people always end up getting hurt.

I made sure my late wife knew I was bi and I also made sure I wasn't going to cheat on her either, and I didn't.

Decide now what is more important, the person you love or your bisexual impulses.

I know I am going to draw a lot of flack for this but still I believe that its true: bisexuality and playing the field is for singles.

[julie]

dear karen,

although your fiancee says 'we'll work something out' that does sound a rather vague response to a commitment as serious as marriage:eek:
as others have suggested in various ways, he really does need to understand just what he is committing himself to.

maybe one way of achieving this is for you two to write your vows together? the written word is pretty powerful and may help you both focus on the reality of what you are asking of each other. also saying these vows as part of a marriage ceremony will bear witness to others, which again underlines just how important these promises really are.

good luck

love julie x

[jackies]

In my humble opinion having someone on the side is a recipe for failure. Bi or not if you cannot settle on being with the person you marry and stick to it then you shouldn't get married. open marriages seldom last, people always end up getting hurt.

I made sure my late wife knew I was bi and I also made sure I wasn't going to cheat on her either, and I didn't.

Decide now what is more important, the person you love or your bisexual impulses.

I know I am going to draw a lot of flack for this but still I believe that its true: bisexuality and playing the field is for singles.

THANK-YOU THANK-YOU THANK-YOU for giving this kind of a response! My husband and I are working on rebuilding after an infidelity. He has reccomitted and we are trying, but I will never be the same. I think for some people open marriages may work (I never like to say things like always or never) but I just know there is no way that would work for us. Your post gives me hope.

Make sure that you communicate and make your intentions known before you enter into a marriage! "We'll work something out" is not a strong enough response to this issue. You should have a serious talk and set major boundries that you both honor and respect.

[karenooo]

Wow! Thank you all for your thoughtful replies.

Smokey, I do agree with you. My trouble is I get to feeling all bottled up and frustrated, like I'm disassociating with a part of myself. I don't want a relationship with anybody but my fiancé. I want to avoid infidelity but be realistic.

Julie, I told my fiancé we had better discuss in detail how to handle this hot potato. He's my best friend and we talk about anything and everything. I'll show him everybody's responses to my post and we'll talk about all of them. Your vow idea is stellar.

BicuriousIndy 2., I have been monogamous in our relationship since day 1. And no it isn't ok if he has a woman on the side. A guy is ok because that would be the same I am asking of him.

Tasha SW, I surely told him that I'm bi. We don't have any secrets from each other. I already told him I found this great forum and I even found a bi support group we can attend together if he'd like to.

I'm not absolutely set about this idea of a woman on the side, I'm just searching for some solutions.

[james1715]

Thats good you are best friends with him, I have that same thing with my girl...its great to be able to talk about anything.

I think that if you EVER have any kind of self imposed or foreign restrictions put on yourself that you will not truly be happy. If I were you I would make it all open and never have shame or guilt about anything that doesnt hurt someone. I think you should not only figure out what to do in your situation but also act on that before marriage and in step with your fiance. Like dont come up with a solution that will be practiced after you are married but figure out how you will resolve the other girl thing before marriage, act on it, and then see if things still work out to get married or not.

[karenooo]

Yup James,

You've really got a point there.

Thanks!