much needed sabbatical

[Azrael]

I'm at something of a stop-gap. Frustrated, burnt the fuck out, slightly bitter, all these things describe me fairly well right now. (DISCLAIMER, I am NOT manic or depressed, just experiencing normal emotional responses, so don't waste my time with some stoopid speech about how I should still have a chemical leash. all I will do is ignore you)
I'm at my wit's end with the amoral scum-fucks I work for. I'm trying desperately to find a place to live. I'm also under a lot of family related stress. Things are already gonna be a little wierd at my dad's house, but now I find out he has prostate cancer. There's a lot of wacky shit going on. (To avoid the trappings of redundancy I'll merely refer anyone who's interested in knowing more to my myspace blog/ URL in profile).
I'm calm, level, and focused. But I'm hurting. A lot. It's only going to get worse for the next week or two. As such, I need to take a few days (maybe more) and just disconnect from the matrix or whatever. I need to find the silent spaces where the secret wisdom of the world is hidden. I need to throw myself into my art, and I have A LOT of reading to do. I'll still look at myspace here and there maybe (not sure) but the purpose here is to apologize. I'm not trying to leave anyone hanging who I said I'd get back to, or stifle any decent conversation I might be missing, but I need some quiet time to figure out how the hell I'm going to survive both mentally and financially. Much love to MOST of you. To anyone who's ever tried to make me feel like shit about myself, go fornicate yourself with a machete. You know who you are.

Karmically yours,
Tom

[onewhocares]

Everyone needs a break now and then....Take each and every day as one to get through. One Day at a Time. WE will be here when you get back. Take Care.

Belle

[MarieDelta]

I agree Belle.

be well Azreal, take care.

[kitten]

Hugs baby and know that we will be here when you are ready.

love,

[DiamondDog]

Tom,
Take care.
Take some time off and destress and relax.
Feel free to contact me if you need to vent or whatever.
be well.
xo
peace <3

[Herbwoman39]

Hey sweetie :) <HUGS> You take all the time you need. Remember to breathe in and out. Know that there is no such thing as a permanent problem and just come back when you feel more centered and the chaos has abated a bit.

We'll still be here :)

[shameless agitator]

Tom, take care of yourself. I know what you're going through. If you need to talk I'm here. Don't hesitate to call. I don't sleep anyway so it doesn't matter what time it is.

[alisbi]

Be true to yourself my friend. Take care of yourself and be well.

[Germanicus]

Have one - it works wonders

[Abbey Road]

Take care of yourself Tom. If you need someone to chat to, I`l be there. See you soon.

Abbey Road.:bibounce::paw::grouphug:

[Azrael]

Much thanks to all. Some lousy shit went down this week. The REAL break begins tomorrow, due to being at my dad's house :eek:
In spite of all this crap, I remain cautiously optimistic. Back on Seroquel at least for the trip. I don't like it, but I can't deny it'll help. If my dad's wife starts giving me any shit I'll say something to the effect of "you're lucky I'm on enough seroquel to put a horse to sleep" :bigrin:
Luckily, my Aunt, Uncle and Sister are up there, and they all despise my dad's wife as well. They'll rescue me as much as possible :)
My family really isn't THAT bad. Really. But when they start ranting about "the sanctity of the family unit" or "the war between the normal people and the queers", it infuriates the living fuck out of me. One of the reasons I'm so loopy is all the rage and anxiety I've swallowed over the years I was around this.
I'll try to keep Dad drunk and watching war movies *sigh*
I don't care if my Dad's one of the most homophobic people on the face of the Earth. He's still my Dad, and has been there for me insofar as he's been able to.
I tried telling my mom about all this when I was in the hospital. She basically tersely stated "you're the reason you're fucked up in the head, not us".
She's right to an extent. A lot of this brain shit I did to myself by overdoing it with lots of different drugs. I'm not saying it's all anyone's fault. A lot of it's mine, but my family has no idea how much they make me bleed inside. Fuck it, I'll keep falling on that grenade for them cause I love them too much not to.
Point of this is, it's going to be a rough week. Some of you got the cell #, go ahead and use it! Distractions are always welcome.
All most of the family ever asks me about myself are "how's work?", "how's the jeep running?", "got a girlfriend?". Standard bullshit. I hate being too nice, tears me to pieces. Whatever, it's only til I have a new place. I gotta run and start getting ready, see y'all in a week!!!!

[MarieDelta]

I know it's hard, and my thoughts are with you.

Your parents are who they are.

Crossing my fingers hoping you find a new place soon.

Take care hon

[HighEnergy]

Hi Tom,
You say you burned out your own brain with your own behaviours. Good insight. But from what I've seen with the folks I've worked with, being unaccepted or not given the right kind or amount of love by family is the number one reason they get to that point, needing seraquel, or self medicating with street drugs. It is why I am so fanatical about love and acceptance. The homophobic and bigotted are idiots who do not care to see past their own noses. I can't count the number of folks I've told that their idiotic comments are tearing someone they know to pieces. I tell 'em to shut up because someday it might be their son or daughter, neice or nephew, or some friend of their children that they have no idea is queer will kill themselves because they think they are less than God's perfect creation just as they are because of some idiotic thing they've said.

You are a sweet person to accept your father as he is and give him your love despite himself. There is hope that you will beat any mental illness, problem etc. You might wander into an Al Anon meeting and listen to folks tell how they cope with codependency. Read some Melody Beattie. You might not be dealing with that issue itself, but reading that other folks can disengage from the hurtful shit their families do to them and still love them and be healthy through it is a good thing.

And while your evil stepmother or whomever is giving you shit down there, remember there's some crazy Mom type person up here in Ohio telling you that you are a beautiful child created just as you should be and will give you a virtual hug anytime you need it and says fuck 'em and let 'em eat fish heads if they don't see you for the incredible person you are.

:2cents::soapbox:

Smooches

[brunette]

i also have the family from hell, and i no longer communicate with them. i admire your courage and dedication to running into the fire.

it also helps relieve stress when you jerk off. never forget to jerk off!

[Herbwoman39]

Wow. You are far more courageous than I am. I avoid my family like the plague most times. Especially now since they're in the midst of their divorce and I *really* don't want to listen to my Mom ranting.

I have fantasies of just blurting out "Oh yeah? Well I'm Bi!" just to get her to stop. But she's already in enough pain right now. So "avoidance" is the byword there. So, yeah...you're much more brave than I am and I admire you for "throwing yourself on the grenade" like that.

[FalconAngel]

In addition to what everyone else said, if you have any friends that you can really count on, then grab em and unload, lean on their shoulders and get some well-needed hugs. I know that when I have been at wits-end in the past, that has always helped.