Some not so simple questions

[nix_the_cliche]

Hello all! I have a few questions that I don't expect concise answers to, but could use some insight into nonetheless.

Here goes:

What is the general concensus as to the "working definition of bisexuality"? Does being bisexual mean that you are equally (or not quite equally) attracted to both sexes? Does this mean that if you are in a relationship with one gender you should be sexually satisfied with just that one gender? Does it mean that you could just fall for or be involved with either gender? Most importantly, does it mean that if you are in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender that you should not need, or should need, intimacy with someone of the same gender?

I guess I could give you some context here! :) I am currently involved in a monogamous m/f couple relationship. I have up until this point in my life identified as bisexual, and my partner has always been aware of this. (I am the female, just to let you know!) There has been one exception to this, which is a huge long post in and of itself dealing with a time period in which I believed I was a lesbian, which is in part why I am asking these questions. Nonetheless, my partner and I have experimented as a couple in the past with bringing other females in for only sex. After a particularly nasty episode and its aftermath, my partner no longer wants to particpate or have me participate in any sexual activities with the same sex. The problem is, I love my partner more than anything in the world, and the idea of losing him is devastating to merely think about. However, I am constantly fantasizing about women. I dream about having sex with them. I wake up and think about being with them sexually. I see attractive women anywhere and think about what we could do together. More and more I have this, what seems to be a need, to be with another woman. But given what happened during the rather nasty episode I mentioned, I understand where my partner is coming from. I just don't know what to do. I know that I have a very strong tendency towards women. My partner is one of very few men I find attractive. I know that all of this is part of the reason my partner does not want us to experiment again. I know he is afraid I am a lesbian. Maybe I am too. I do know that I'm kind of going crazy as well. I understand where he is coming from. I also understand what I am feeling. I also understand that I'm at a loss when it comes to how to sexually identify myself. What do we do? I want our relationship to work no matter what. We are a family and I want to be with him forever. I feel guilty even bringing all of this up.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Sorry if this became slightly neurotic sounding, but I guess questions like these lend themselves to neurosis. I would appreciate any responses, answers, or advice anyone may have. Thanks for listening/reading.

[Damon]

Hello,

I had a few questions myself regarding "what" Bisexuality was and how it worked.. the answer i was given has put my mind at so much ease.. I was advised to just be myself and not worry about the specifics of it.. I am attracted to people not sexes.. of course at the moment i have put females to the side and am focussing on males (i am a male) but I know that one day be it sooner or later i will eventually decide that I have learned all I want to know about same sex relations at that time and then spread my attention to everyone (male and female). I have found that it is so much easier not to pay too much mind to the particulars as it is only confusing and limiting at times.

With regards to wanting an intimate female prescence without loosing your male.. Try the long approach.. If you and your man socialize, try, over time, to befriend willing females as you have done in the past and allow a bond to form over a longer course of time.. This may help your man to trust another female in the mix more than he does now. Like I mentioned it would have to take time though and a little innocent deviousness on your part so that "it just happens" one night.. But dont push it, and, think twice before planning it.. You mentioned the word "aftermath" regarding the particular nasty episode. This to me means that your man's mind is set on his decision. So there could be cause for upset if you try to re-introduce a female.. It seems that a tough decision is ahead. You either risk loosing your man trying to get another female involved, or you risk personal frustration at not being with another woman. But you "are" going to have to make a decision and it "will" probably mean change..

If you can write about the particulars of the events "after" the aftermath.. What you have done since then (if anything) to try and involve another female it would be very helpful to the advice that can be given..

Damon

[Mrs.F]

:( Wow, sounds like you have quite a dilema on your hands. I don't think I can really help you out here but some questions did come to my mind.
This nasty episode that you had with this other woman....was it your first encounter as a "couple" with a woman? As in maybe because it was your first time "as a couple" is why it didn't go well? Not knowing your whole story of what happened and you by no means have to get into that. But, also if it was just "that" woman in paticular, then there could be better chances ahead that could work better with someone else??

What it boils down to is you and your partner have alot to work through, alot of talking and finding out what is going to work for the both of you. I understand your partner's fear. But it sounds like you have alot to figure out about youself too.
I am straight and have a bisexual husband....I know there is no way for me to let him be with anyone else. I"m just not ready emotionally yet, if ever. He knows this and is ok with it.
Either way...I wish you luck and happiness. Sorry I couldn't give you more encouraging words. It's not something I know much about. But I"m sure there are many people out there that are more than willing to help you and will have some good advice. Be strong :)

[bediddle]

It sounds to my like your partner has been prety clear about what he's comfortable with. And he sounds like a pretty good sport. Many men aren't willing to even try adding another person into their sex life. Now, you've had a bad experience and he doesn't want to put your relationship at greater risk. It's actually a very smart move on his part. The question remains for you, is a monogamous relationship what you want. Because it looks like the relationship that you're in is bound to remain monogamous for a long time (possibly forever). I'm not about to tell you what you should choose but I do only see the two options:

1) End the relationship and pursue something that gives you a little more freedom.

2) Stay in the relationship and accept the reality of it. Like I said, it sounds like your guy is a pretty good sport. You may find that he's perfectly happy to indulge in your fantasies with you to a certain extent (for example, talking out fantasies, watching lesbian porn, whatever you're into...). With this option the most important thing is that you focus all your attention on your relationship. No matter how strong any "need" is it will change with time. Enjoy your fantasies for what they are. Regardless of how strong they are they will come and go with or without you acting upon them.

[Ratchick]

Does being bisexual mean that you are equally (or not quite equally) attracted to both sexes?
NO. YOu can be 50/50, 20/80, 10/90, whatever. it just simply means you are attracted in some way to the same sex as well as oppisite sex.

Does this mean that if you are in a relationship with one gender you should be sexually satisfied with just that one gender?
Not nessesarilly, if you are in a polyamourous relationship you can have both, but if youa re in a monogoous relationship, the answer woudl be yes.

Most importantly, does it mean that if you are in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender that you should not need, or should need, intimacy with someone of the same gender?
Depends on the person. My girlfreind needs both. Why we are polyamouous and sometiems she Has a Boyfreind. Me, I am happy with just her, but I am kind of Lesbian leading Bi, only sometimes wanting a Male. She is pretty 60/40 for guys.

Sounds like you ahve a lot of thinking to do. I have heard alot of Bi Women have this problem in Monogmous relationships. My GF tried Mono relationships with both Men and women, in the end she needed the other. Me, I can be Mono with a woman and be happy, but not with a man as I always need women :)

RC



Does it mean that you could just fall for or be involved with either gender?
Hmmm...GOod question being BISexual the possibility is there, but will it happen? There are so amny variables here.

[binbi42]

[QUOTE=nix_the_cliche]Hello all! I have a few questions that I don't expect concise answers to, but could use some insight into nonetheless.

Here goes:
What is the general concensus as to the "working definition of bisexuality"? Does being bisexual mean that you are equally (or not quite equally) attracted to both sexes? Does this mean that if you are in a relationship with one gender you should be sexually satisfied with just that one gender? Does it mean that you could just fall for or be involved with either gender? Most importantly, does it mean that if you are in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender that you should not need, or should need, intimacy with someone of the same gender?

:soapbox:
What serves as a working definition of bisexuality in its simplest form is a sexual attraction towards both genders. Remove the sexuality from bisexuality and we are left with just the “attraction” period without the confusion of the sexual element. It would probably be safe to say that we all have members of both genders that we are attracted to for one reason or another where the attractions are not sexual in nature.
Sexual attraction differs from what would be deemed just an attraction specifically because it now enters into the realm of the sexual. No matter what the orientation, we do discriminate between those to whom we are sexually drawn and those we are not. I have lived as a hetro male the majority of my life and when males were not part of the equation then it was easy to discriminate between those females that I felt sexually drawn to for one reason or another, and those I had no sexual interest in as well. Nothing has changed in that regard. I can be attracted to a female without any regard to sex. Sex is just one of many attributes that can captivate an interest. The same goes for males, the majority of male friends I’ve had throughout my life were friends with no thoughts of sex, but there have been males where sexual attraction has happened. Sadly, when I was honest enough to let the attraction be known, it usually became the catalyst to the eventual termination of those relationships. Things were never quite the same afterwards and the feelings of guilt, rejection and shame on the one hand pushed me deeper into the closet of safety, but on the other hand, it also forced me to come to terms with my own sexual nature. I could hide from everyone else, but I could not hide from myself.
I am bisexual. I arrived at this partially through the process of elimination. Before becoming aware of the term “bisexual”, I knew of only two ways of looking at sexual orientation. You were either gay or straight (homosexual or heterosexual) it was a black and white view of sexuality that left me wondering what went wrong. I knew I wasn’t gay but could not explain the sexual arousal I would occasionally feel towards the same sex. Then I would ponder such scenarios that for instance, if I was to find myself stranded on a deserted island for the rest of my life which gender would I want to spend the rest of my life with…for me it was a no brainer, my orientation runs stronger towards the opposite sex. It is with whom if given that choice would be my strongest “preference”. I don’t think this takes away from my bisexual identity but it does tell me where my stronger preference lies. I can also ponder the same scenario and honestly say that if not given that choice and I found myself stranded with a male that I would adapt and would more than likely enjoy a relationship probably equal to my preference of choice. If by some quirk of fate I found myself stranded with both then that would be pretty much where I find myself today just on a very small scale, and hopefully for all parties involved, the feelings would be mutual…Hey..I can dream right?
Commitment in a relationship is what gives a relationship its value. I believe traditionally that most of us would tend to see commitment and fidelity as going hand and hand in the traditional monogamous relationship. Two failed marriages have led me to conclude that “if” fidelity is part of the commitment and you fail to honor that commitment then you run a high risk of destroying the trust necessary to maintain a healthy relationship. Betrayal no matter what the want or need is betrayal if your relationship’s commitment includes fidelity as part of the commitment that two people make to one another.
My wife and I are both bisexual. We are committed, first and foremost, to one another’s growth. This commitment to personal growth is the foundation of our relationship. We confer and communicate constantly. We allow and encourage those things that we both feel will benefit our individual growth and enhance the growth of our relationship as well. We choose to include other like-minded bi couples in our circle of friends sexually because it does gratify those parts of ourselves that we enjoy for the moment. It has strengthened our relationships in ways that continue to propel us into an even deeper commitment to one another. We feel that a time will come where we will likely retreat to a time of less involvement with others on a physical level. What we will have as a couple are the shared memories of living out our fantasies and most importantly one another.
There is a thin line between want and need and only you can determine that. A want at one level can be a need at another level. Our choice is to follow the dictates of our soul.

[Courious64]

Hello all! I have a few questions that I don't expect concise answers to, but could use some insight into nonetheless.

Here goes:

What is the general concensus as to the "working definition of bisexuality"? Does being bisexual mean that you are equally (or not quite equally) attracted to both sexes? Does this mean that if you are in a relationship with one gender you should be sexually satisfied with just that one gender? Does it mean that you could just fall for or be involved with either gender? Most importantly, does it mean that if you are in a committed relationship with someone of the opposite gender that you should not need, or should need, intimacy with someone of the same gender?

I guess I could give you some context here! :) I am currently involved in a monogamous m/f couple relationship. I have up until this point in my life identified as bisexual, and my partner has always been aware of this. (I am the female, just to let you know!) There has been one exception to this, which is a huge long post in and of itself dealing with a time period in which I believed I was a lesbian, which is in part why I am asking these questions. Nonetheless, my partner and I have experimented as a couple in the past with bringing other females in for only sex. After a particularly nasty episode and its aftermath, my partner no longer wants to particpate or have me participate in any sexual activities with the same sex. The problem is, I love my partner more than anything in the world, and the idea of losing him is devastating to merely think about. However, I am constantly fantasizing about women. I dream about having sex with them. I wake up and think about being with them sexually. I see attractive women anywhere and think about what we could do together. More and more I have this, what seems to be a need, to be with another woman. But given what happened during the rather nasty episode I mentioned, I understand where my partner is coming from. I just don't know what to do. I know that I have a very strong tendency towards women. My partner is one of very few men I find attractive. I know that all of this is part of the reason my partner does not want us to experiment again. I know he is afraid I am a lesbian. Maybe I am too. I do know that I'm kind of going crazy as well. I understand where he is coming from. I also understand what I am feeling. I also understand that I'm at a loss when it comes to how to sexually identify myself. What do we do? I want our relationship to work no matter what. We are a family and I want to be with him forever. I feel guilty even bringing all of this up.

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Sorry if this became slightly neurotic sounding, but I guess questions like these lend themselves to neurosis. I would appreciate any responses, answers, or advice anyone may have. Thanks for listening/reading.


This post realy caught my attention. Not because of the questions but the situation that is mentioned. I myself have been with my husband now for 16 years. (married for 14) Yes half of my life. I have always felt drawn to but not acting on the thought of being with a woman. However I have only recently expressed this to my husband (this past year). (BTW I'm a woman.. ;) ) To my surprise, he was delighted with the idea and now talks about it all the time. Up until now he has always acted as if bi's and gays and lesbians where well a nono to be nice. But apparently that was because he didn't know how I felt about it. I have since been excited with the idea as well. I do want my first experience to be one on one. So I can take my time and enjoy the whole experience which I'm sure I will, and of course after that I would want to include him into the relationship. But this post opens my eyes to as you said you had a nasty episode. I havent thought about an episode and am very curious to learn what could lay in store. I adore and love my husband with all of my heart, and don't feel that I could ever find anyone I love as much, male or female, not that I couldn't care and feel a different love for someone else but I am sure that the bond I have with my husband would always stand the test of time. However, I would like to know the problems that could arise. I ask so that I can make the right decissions myself. I think I could be happy with just talking about it with him and never acting, however we all want the cake and to eat it to. :tongue:

Hope to here from someone on this subject.
Thanks :three:
By the way I do think of myself as bi curious only because I haven't acted on it yet.

[itsbilife]

Well, I had an experience with another woman a year ago, and my dh watched. A few times, actually. But this woman was single, and fell in love with me, and then my dh grew to hate her, and it didn't work out. But, recently, I hooked up with a girl from work, actually, just the other night. And I know my dh would be fine with it, but to me, it's just much more erotic if it's just myself and the other girl. I've actually thought about telling dh that i want to have an open relationship so that I can do as I please, and he can do his own thing, also. I dunno, I didn't realize how much I'd missed the intimacy of a woman. (my friend has a bf, she's bi also ;) ) But honestly, I feel more les than straight, but I do love my dh. I'm 25 with two young kids, so I'm stuck in that slum of caring less about sex, but the thought of a :female: just drives me wild. So I TOTALLY understand your dilemma. Sorry i have no advice, I just thought I'd share my story! :tong:

[Ansil III]

don't worry about labels or what other people think. just be honest with yourself and your patner and enjoy life. please, don't keep any secrets from him. fantasy is healthy and you can use this to spice up the sex life with your partner. :cool: