Polyamery

[michnele]

First of all, I would just like to say that I am so happy I stumbled across this forum! I half-expected most of the posts to be about sex (not that there would be anything wrong with that :bigrin:) but instead I found out a lot of people here talk about a lot of other interesting ideas! I guess it's that I'm used to going on lesbian forums where I find other bi people like me are misrepresented by many lesbians as people who are just in it for selfish pleasure. :(

The first thing about this forum that I was very impressed with is that, seemingly, a lot of the members are very open about the idea of polyamery being on par ethically with monogomy. I've been thinking a lot about this and I would definitely say that I agree with this statement. In fact, I've been wondering about why monogomy is preferred for a very long time. However, for some reason (probably due to a combination of upbringing and the friends I hang out with), this seemed to have been more of an intellectual decision for me and I almost feel guilty thinking about the idea (even though I think that, in many ways, it's more fair and less "possessive" than monogamy).

For example, I have been talking about the idea of polygamy with my boyfriend (now, officially, my ex, I guess) a lot...in fact, he is the one who brought it up in the first place. We love each other A LOT but (and we have talked about this) I really want to know what it is like to be in a relationship with a girl. ...Now due to all the lesbian forums I've been browing, I started to think that most girls would not be very open to sharing me in an open relationship with my boyfriend...I started to think that they would probably get the wrong idea and think that I'm just trying to use them instead of wanting to be in a close relationship...:( And I can understand why they would get that impression at first.
So...I was talking with my boyfriend about this and we both decided it might be better if we "broke up" and told people we are kind of "friends with benefits" as this would make it easier for both of us to meet people and then, eventually, after they have gotten to know our personalities, open up to them about our feelings about polygamy...
So we "broke up" but now I feel really guilty because, even though I know I don't mean to harm anyone, I am scared that maybe I'm mistaken and that I am doing something very wrong and hiding things from people...
Is it ok to rename/redefine a relationship I have with someone to better suit social norms just so I can meet and become close to more people? It's just that I really want to become close to more than just one person; and I feel like the idea of monogomy is almost like a barrier for me that prevents me from sharing things intimately with more than just a single person...I amost feel, in a way, that I have an ethical duty (and not just a duty because I really want to) to really get to know people better and be completely open with them, the kind of open that is usually preserved in our culture exclusively for monogomous relationships. I also really want to explore my attraction to women because I am slightly confused about it...I'm not sure whether I am bi or whether I am a lesbian that can get really close emotionally to guys...I would personally say that labels don't really matter (and so does my boyfriend) but they do give me a sense of security and help other people form opinions about me...

So,sorry for the ramble but thanks for reading?
Any thoughts/input?

[mistymockingbird]

You say that you feel an ethical duty to be open with people so that you are able to get to know them fully. Yet you are choosing to redefine your relationship so that it seems to be less than it is? I think there's a flaw in that logic. Why not simply state that your relationship is open?

Polyamory and monogamy each have their own set of pros and cons. You will lose and you will gain. Many people think that open relationships are easier but rest assured that is not the case. Successful poly relationships require intense levels of communication and respect for the feelings of your other partners. I don't think that either type of relationship, poly or mono, is harder than the other, just know that you're taking on a different set of issues when you choose to be poly.

As you'll see if you read more, just as there are a million different degrees of being bisexual, there are a million ways to be poly. I've found that every poly person I've met has defined it a little differently for themselves. And there are also plenty of folks that think that a poly lifestyle is something that will work for them in theory, but in practice they find that it is not what they truly want. So be prepared to face that as well.

But the bottom line with every poly person I know is that every thing should be upfront and on the table. If you can't talk about something, you can't deal with it properly. You will find people that don't approve of your choices. (Welcome to life) But you will also find people that are accepting and will want to get to know you fully and engage in a relationship with you. Even if it is an unconventional one.

At the end of the day you have to be true to who you are. Just be open and honest about it. And be willing to communicate well with your partners to ensure that everyone's needs are being met in a healthy way. That's really all you can do.

Oh, and have fun.

[Trinity-Fl]

We've been members of poly groups for about 9 years. (Charter members of Central Florida Poly and members of Poly Tampa.) We've attended 3 poly retreats here in Fl.

We hear many of our friends saying that finding someone who understands that you're not "cheating" or running around on your lover is hard. And that finding a person who will "share" your attention with another is diffiicult too.

Here's a link to a friends website and story about polyamory:

http://smoocherie.com/aboutme_activism.htm

Have faith that being poly will work. Believe that you'll find people with whom you'll connect and begin to share. It happens.

CC

[michnele]

First of all, thanks a lot for those of you who responded already!

"You say that you feel an ethical duty to be open with people so that you are able to get to know them fully. Yet you are choosing to redefine your relationship so that it seems to be less than it is? I think there's a flaw in that logic. Why not simply state that your relationship is open?"

Yes, this is actually the main reason for me feeling guilty and inconsistent. On the one hand, I want to keep the wonderful relationship with my (ex-?) boyfriend, but on the other I know that if I am completely open about what it truly is then people will tend to think that it should be reserved for a monogomous relationship and they might not want to get involved with me...I keep thinking that, if people just got to know me as a person first, without the prejudices (and trust me, I used to have them too and probably still have a whole lot of subconscious prejudices based on first impressions) then they would probably be willing to accept my choice later on in the relationship, once they got to know my reasons...I'm not really trying to mislead people, I just want to be given a fair chance...but, then again, some people would say this is very misleading and this is why I really wanted to ask for your advice.
Also, we tried having an open relationship for a while but people just seemed to assume that we were monogomous because we are so close and open with each other...it's almost like there is a fundamental assumption being made when someone first meets me that I want to eliminate...but I can't seem to do that without re-naming my relationship or (alternatively) carry some kind of big cardboard sign giving a whole explanation of who I am and what I believe :(
I suppose that this is really fundamentally a problem about first impressions and assumptions. Also, I think that I am someone who is very paranoid about what other people think of me and losing potential friends.
I want to get over this but I don't know how without some major experience.

[michnele]

Trinity, it's nice to know that there is someone out there who has actually gone through with this and who now has wonderful relationships. That does give me a lot of hope :)

"We hear many of our friends saying that finding someone who understands that you're not "cheating" or running around on your lover is hard. And that finding a person who will "share" your attention with another is diffiicult too."

Yes, I'm really scared of the criticism for some reason. I really don't want other people to misinterpret my thoughts as me wanting to use them/hurt them/others or not caring about them. I just don't want others to see me as a horrible person :(

It would be so different if society just happened to be set up differently in some alternate course of history ...

[mistymockingbird]

Michnele,

My point about how you redefine your relationship for others was only that it has the potential to cause damage in the long run.

I did that once. There is someone in my life that I love very much. It is an open relationship. He and I will never be exclusive for reasons that are far too long to list, but the major reason is that I am simply not wired for monogamy. I met someone else and while I told this person about the man in my life, I downplayed his importance. I thought that being honest about him being around was enough.

It came back to bite me in the ass when the second person became fully aware of how much I love this man. The second person felt mislead and as though he was a filler for the times when the first man was not around. Even after many long conversations where I explained how I felt about each of them. How in my mind there was a minimal difference in my feelings. That each person brought me something the other could not. That they were equal but different. It caused a great deal of heartache on both of our parts. All because the second person did not feel like he'd gotten the full story in the beginning.

There are successful poly relationships out there. I've seen them first hand. I think it just takes a little longer to find partners that work. Dating is hard enough when you're only looking for one other person. Being poly adds a whole other level of complexity to the search.

You should seek out some poly folks in your area. Become a part of that community the same way you're becoming a part of the bi community here. It makes things much easier because you don't have to do as much set up. You're already around people that understand that just because you have a partner doesn't mean you're not looking for others.

[bearisbare]

You should seek out some poly folks in your area. Become a part of that community the same way you're becoming a part of the bi community here. It makes things much easier because you don't have to do as much set up. You're already around people that understand that just because you have a partner doesn't mean you're not looking for others.

Michnele,

If you are unsure about how to seek out other poly people in Ontario, I may be able to help. There is a growing poly community in Ontario (there is an inaugural "Polycamp" event as I type) with a number of socials and other gatherings, as well as email lists. Same goes for bisexual communities in Ontario. I've personally been involved with bi communities for about 17 years and poly ones for about 5, so if I can help in pointing the way, let me know.

[michnele]

Mistymockingbird, I can see what you are saying now. I'm sorry for what happened to you, I hope it turned out alright by now. Did your partners ever get over this or do they have problems trusting you now?

I think that you have all helped me realize that I really know the answer to my own question: be open about my relationship with my boyfriend and make it an open relationship. I simply (well, not simply for me :() have to find the courage to do this and stop being impatient about meeting more interesting people. I am just so scared about the first impression people will have about my intentions.

BareisBear, could you forward me some of that information please? :bigrin: Thanks so much!
I live in Waterloo though and neither me nor my boyfriend can drive so I might not be able to meet many poly people in any case :( I hope there are some events nearby or even a forum?


* I just realized I kept spelling polyamory wrong...sorry about that!

[mistymockingbird]

TY Michnele. Things with the first man are fine, they always were. With the second man, he and I are taking a little break right now. Its a complicated situation, this was just a contributing factor. We each made mistakes in our relationship.

I learned from the situation. That's the most important thing. For me, there is as much of a journey to being poly as there is to being bi. I'm still learning. But I believe it is worth the effort.

[DiamondDog]

I don't need a synonymous word for an open relationship in order to sleep at night, feel good about myself, or my relationship with another person/people.

[michnele]

I don't need a synonymous word for an open relationship in order to sleep at night, feel good about myself, or my relationship with another person/people.

Good for you! :cool:

[shameless agitator]

I don't need a synonymous word for an open relationship in order to sleep at night, feel good about myself, or my relationship with another person/people.I just wanted to point out that poly & open are not necessarily the same thing. An open relationship is one in which iether partner can sleep with whomever they want. There can be a lot of variations in the arrangements of poly relationships. I know several people involved in opposite sex relationships where the rule is that people are allowed to sleep with other people of the same sex, but no one else of the opposite sex. I know several where the people insist on meeting and approving any new partners & some where new partners are only allowed if they want to play with both.

[DiamondDog]

I just wanted to point out that poly & open are not necessarily the same thing. An open relationship is one in which iether partner can sleep with whomever they want. There can be a lot of variations in the arrangements of poly relationships. I know several people involved in opposite sex relationships where the rule is that people are allowed to sleep with other people of the same sex, but no one else of the opposite sex. I know several where the people insist on meeting and approving any new partners & some where new partners are only allowed if they want to play with both.

Like I wrote before, it's just another word for an open relationship.

[FalconAngel]

Correct me if I am wrong here, but isn't there a difference between a Poly relationship and an open relationship?
We have friends who are in a poly relationship and it is, as we understand, based on MUTUAL feelings of love and respect amongst all parties in the relationship (i.e. you, your s/o and the other s/o) all intertwined, forming a kind of connecting web of mutual affection and respect for each other.

In an open relationship, each person is free to go and be involved with whomever they please and there is no interconnective relationship amongst them all.

Am I understanding this all wrong?

[shameless agitator]

What you describe is one type of poly relationship Falcon, though there are many others. There are as many ways of being poly as there are poly people.

[biwords]

Yes, there's little point arguing about the poly/open distinction if epeople use both terms to mean different things.

My two cents: neither monogamy nor polyamory work. Sex wasn't made to work (in the sense of being a vehicle for lasting happiness). It was made so that we could replicate ourselves, and we were left to deal with the collateral damage.

[Azrael]

My two cents: neither monogamy nor polyamory work. Sex wasn't made to work (in the sense of being a vehicle for lasting happiness). It was made so that we could replicate ourselves, and we were left to deal with the collateral damage.

That all depends on the people involved :2cents:

[biwords]

That all depends on the people involved :2cents:

When you meet the people to whom the rule doesn't apply, let me know. I'm not saying that no one's happy, but when they are, it's through strength of character, usually combined with reasonably good genes/good health. In the absence of those, neither monogamy nor polyamory will 'work'.

[shameless agitator]

When you meet the people to whom the rule doesn't apply, let me know. I'm not saying that no one's happy, but when they are, it's through strength of character, usually combined with reasonably good genes/good health. In the absence of those, neither monogamy nor polyamory will 'work'.Well, of course. There's much more to a relationship than the sexual aspect. Whether a relationship works or not, will depend on many many different factors.