Enlighten me.

[QuestionEverything]

"]I just got done writing this big long thing and I wasn't logged in so now I'm a bit perturbed (just a heads up)... ugh, it was long too.

I'm a 22 year-old woman. The things I've been dealing with recently have made me feel much older than that.

I told my friend who is openly lesbian that I was very confident in my feelings for her and my belief in our potential for a long-term relationship. I saw her for about 3 months. I got really depressed after things ended. Living at my house was very difficult because I'm usually pretty open/honest with my parents. Not only was I heartbroken about her but I was dealing with hiding exciting aspects of my identity exploration with them. I see anything found on the quest for self-truth as meaningful and important and I never was ashamed when I was with her. My dad's father is gay so I'm concerned about conclusions or feelings this might dig up.

I've told two of my close friends and my brother about my relationship with her. She has cut off contact with me and one of the last things she told me was that she thinks I'm focusing all the feelings I've ever had for women toward her, that I'm a "lesbian in denial". It makes me angry that she won't validate the feelings I have for her, which are very strong and persistent. At the same time, I know she has a lot of experience with women who are questioning and her comments bother me because I respect her opinion.

I think I'm bisexual to the extent that my attraction to people is not limited to exclusively male or female. I like the idea of being attractive to women and wearing more masculine clothing (which feels more me) but I can't imagine dating another woman. I'm only okay considering that lifestyle option with her.

I feel that if I have a choice, my religion doesn't allow me to choose women. Yet, I feel my quest for self-truth going in a different direction. I know that I would commit to aforementioned woman long-term, if it were feasible.

Something she's said to me before is that she believes we're "given a deck of cards and we can cover them up however we like but we still have the same deck" whereas I would say that I feel G-d has stacked the deck. That he knows what is best for us beyond what we can know. While this might sound oppressive, my religion is a big part of my self-truth too. I really do have humility and feel that G-d knows more about what is best for me. I'm being tugged in two different directions.

Help?[/SIZE]

[jem_is_bi]

One aspect of Religion is to define the limit of how members can live their lives.
An important task of a parent is to teach their children how to live their lives.
As you progressed from child to adult many of these teaching have become core beliefs that you will always have.
Now that you are an adult, YOU, not your religious leaders or parents, are responsible for having a happy and successful life. You need to determine what your core values and beliefs really are. It is likely that your “true” core beliefs will not interfere with your ability to share life and love with those you love and who love you, even though they are unlikely to have exactly the same beliefs as you. Whether, G-d has stacked the deck or not, you need to exercise good judgment when playing the cards you get. You need to learn to adapt how you live life to the needs of lovers, friends, parents and pressures of the society in which you live, without changing your “real” core values. :2cents:

JEM

[TaylorMade]

QE. . .from your censoring of G-d, I'm hazarding a guess that you are Jewish...If I'm wrong, let me know. I'm Christian, and probably have been the same psychological places and felt the same frustrations as you. There are schools of thought within both Christianity and Judaism that allow for same sex attraction.
I guess my advice for you is to relax. . .connect to G-d and conversate, just as you would a friend or even her. He's given you free will, so part of this is what YOU make it.

As jem said, life is about adaptation...if we didn't adapt, we wouldn't survive.

Just my :2cents:.

*Taylor*

[Long Duck Dong]

god, the omnipotent, very misunderstand being....

define god and then you have some way towards understanding what god wants


I am a wiccan witch ( male )......and to me...we have no deck of cards.... we have choices.....and decisions.......

if we choose to follow a deity, we tend to make that deity responsible for aspects of who we are......
but that is like saying that the deity, made us in a form that we may not want... or desire......
I have the body of a male.... but I never asked for rampant hormones as a teenager.....thats a natural part of being a teenager.....not any deities *evil * plan to make me sexually frustrated lol

as for my sexuality, I don't have one..... or more correctly, my sexuality is fuild, it constantly changes, so I use the terms * bisexual/pansexual *, for people to have a label to define me by....
I could assume that a deity has a sense of humour, watching me go around in circles.... or I could just say that the deity is allowing me to explore all there is, so that I gain a better understanding of me.... and what it is like to be a deity that has many different forms

I would not call you a lesbian in denial, or a bisexual, i would call you a person that is exploring themselves without using labels to define themselves
society is the people that want you to have a label, asap, so they can put you in a lil square box.......


any deity would not ask you to confine to the shell of a cocoon, if you are a butterfly that needs to fly...
btw the religion *rule * in the bible that names homosexuality as a sin, only appeared in the bible at the turn of last century......
the original greek / hebrew bibles never mentioned gods dislike of gays or lesbians......and sodom and gomorrah were destroed cos of greed, not sexual morality.....

I may be a wiccan witch, but I was once a christian...and studied the bible and theology.... it was not the christian god that I walked away from.... it was the people that use the bible as a weapon against others, without realising the bible is not correct, its been altered a number of times...

[QuestionEverything]

I don't have time to say too much and respond to all of your comments. I will say that I appreciate what you all have offered and ask you to continue! I'd just like to clarify that I am Jewish but my exposure to different schools of thought within the religion has been minimal. While I was seeing her I was taking a class in Judaism that was taught by a modern orthodox rabbi, which made it increasingly difficult for me (I knew he wouldn't approve). I think it would be helpful for me to go on my own to a reform synagogue, which may in fact be more in line with my political views as well...

[Sirramm]

We have all been in similar situations whether it is about friendships, commitments of some kind and even when it comes to sexual relationships. I grew up with a twin brother who was openly gay since our mid-teens. I can honestly say that he taught me more about my own ‘male’ sexuality and now that I am openly bi we both can help each other. Regardless of my religious beliefs I feel that I am in exactly the right place in my life regardless of it being my own doing or some divine intervention. I suggest you talk to your uncle about his sexual thoughts and feelings. You might be amazed at what you find out about him, your family and yourself. Don’t be so hard on yourself.:bipride:

[QuestionEverything]

You need to determine what your core values and beliefs really are. It is likely that your “true” core beliefs will not interfere with your ability to share life and love with those you love and who love you, even though they are unlikely to have exactly the same beliefs as you.



I'm working on that pretty diligently. I think as you mentioned, teasing away my values from the ones my parents have given me is difficult. That's what this process is all about.

As far as my core beliefs go... I think that is something I'm still actively constructing and my experience furthers my need for attention to my beliefs about sexuality.

I can tell you I have been raised to believe that homosexuality is blasphemous. My education has resocialized me to the extent that I am open enough to explore repressed feelings... when it comes to long-term implications those beliefs come back to say hello pretty fast. It's an interesting dance. I appreciate your insight.

[QuestionEverything]

There are schools of thought within both Christianity and Judaism that allow for same sex attraction.
I guess my advice for you is to relax. . .connect to G-d and conversate, just as you would a friend or even her.

I really appreciate your comments. They are both supportive and helpful. I've felt better today knowing I have a support structure to talk about this.

My work is just beginning when it comes to exploring other schools of thought within Judaism that accept whatever lifestyle I choose. What I can say at this point is that I'm not sure what will feel more true to myself. Because I was raised believing homosexuality is not just a sin, but blasphemous and because my parents regularly make comments about my grandfather's partnership as "not a marriage" and a choice and a sinful way to live... My socialization is difficult to combat.

If it makes sense, as a choice, it was much easier for me to commit to her, as a person I loved and saw a potential long-term relationship with, whatever that meant. Her aside, I feel like I'm committing to a lifestyle choice I can and should avoid.

I remember feeling like trying to find a school of thought within Judaism that supports alternate lifestyles is forfeiting what I want to be true for what is. That is how it FELT. I'd have to do further exploration to know for sure. I don't know if you've ever felt like that.

[brunette]

I used to be very much in the same boat and gave up many potential relationships because it was "wrong" though I felt strongly for that person.

Also, even in the backwards state of Arkansas, I have known homosexuals who were accepted by the Jewish community. I never delved deeply into that, but I'm sure all your answers for that are a google away.

Anyway, I am now an atheist, but I am very sage in the ways of God as I once knew him.

If you believe that homosexuality or bisexuality is born in you, then you must understand that God put it there. He created you to be a certain way. Everyone has different things that will make them happy and fulfilled, and this is one of those ways in which you can achieve great fulfillment. He wants you to be happy, and he has hardwired you to be happy with a relationship with either gender.

If you think that this feeling is a deep and intimate level of commitment that you have for this female alone, then I suggest finding what attracts you to her. What is it about her speech or her attitude that makes you desire a sexual side to a deep and compelling relationship? Is it something that she alone has (which is unlikely) or could you find it in a male partner (if you are indeed straight)?

At the age of 22, I would encourage you to keep your options open while remaining open to your friend. I was married at the age of 21, and now we are struggling to define the feelings and boundaries that our marriage contains as far as extra marital relationships.

Also, I would encourage you to not tell your family. I understand that lying and deceit are sins, but I also know how important family is to a religious person and how much more your spiritual life gains from having them there and in the dark about you feelings than if they were not there at all.

If you have any more questions, feel free to ask.