testing the waters [Archive]

naive

Sep 1, 2007, 8:55 PM

dafydd

Sep 1, 2007, 9:04 PM

although it makes the relationship between my friends and family seem shallow, the conversations i've had here have been the most intelligent and eye-opening ones that i have experienced in a long time (if ever). for this reason, i feel that one thing that is missing from my life at the moment is the ability to be completely open with the people that "should" actually know me very well (although i don't know where i would be now without the people here that i have spilled my guts to, and for this, i am eternally grateful)

i know that i have brought up the issue of coming out before but i just wanted to learn from other people's experiences. does using the cliché that you have a bi/gay friend, to gauge a person's opinion of non-heterosexuality, ever actually work?

I would always advise being as open as you can, and cutting right to the chase.
In all the coming out stories my friends have told me 95% end very well, and some of these were in hardcore religious families too.
Surely you must have an idea where you family members stand on issues of homosexuality. Has it ever been mentioned on the TV or in the paper they were reading and they have made a comment?
Whatever you do, make sure you have a friend on call afterward. You're going to need to go to a place to unwind. It's a terrifying prospect, coming out to your family, but have faith and I hope your parents' love for you will see through any misguided prejudice.

d

biwords

Sep 1, 2007, 9:19 PM

does using the cliché that you have a bi/gay friend, to gauge a person's opinion of non-heterosexuality, ever actually work?

Sure, if you're a good actor (or good liar, same thing :) ). As for 'cutting to the chase', don't feel pressured to do so, as only you know what pace is right for you. Obvious, I know, but there it is...similarly, only you are in the best position to know (or guess) whether your family or circle is part of the 95% that dafydd claims accept the news well, or the 5% (?) who go bugfuck.

naive

Sep 1, 2007, 9:54 PM

being the younger brother of two older sisters, the issue of homosexuality probably extended as far as watching will & grace together. so i can assume that they are tolerant of GLBT's, although i don't think that they have any close gay friends. they have more than likely discussed sexual matters with each other but it has never gotten that far with me. being able to enjoy gay comedy or knowing a bisexual is different from actually accepting one as a brother. but i guess its better than the alternative.

as far as the parents go, i'm not close enough to either to think that i need to relieve my "trapped" feelings at this point in time.

having a safe-haven to unwind after the stress of coming out is the one thing that i desperately need but since i haven't opened up to anybody that i know, it's a catch 22. there has always been a seldom-spoken air of homophobia in my group of friends and i'm sad to say that even i have been the source on some occasions.

my "guess" is that my sisters' reactions would be easiest to handle without too many adverse repercussions but even though i don't think that my friends would go "bugfuck", the thing i fear the most is the way the friendship will change. there is a lot of "checking out" and rating girls that we see on the street and i don't want them to feel that they can't be the same way just because my "perve pool" is bigger than theirs.

as far as my acting capabilities go, i've been able to "act straight" with enough conviction to not have anybody i know question my sexuality (i think). the "gay friend" would have to be a straight out lie and so i'm not sure how well i'd go in that situation.

LoveLion

Sep 1, 2007, 11:01 PM

Theres other ways of testing the water then the gay friend thing. Try bringing up the gay marriage issue or something. Also I recomend coming out to different people at different times. Come out to your sisters or friends first, that way if you do get rejection, it wont be from everyone at once and you will have some people who think your straight to go to to feel comfortable. Also, then after the news has sunken in to the one person you told, you can use them as your comforting safe place while coming out to the rest.

naive

Sep 1, 2007, 11:41 PM

i think i'm thinking too prematurely about coming out to anyone at the moment. i know that it will be easier to open up to my sisters than anyone else i know because they have known me the longest. but while/if they think i'm straight, i never really talked about sex to them or even wanted to for that matter. whereas it would take a much heavier load off my shoulders if i spilled to my friends, but i can see that the consequences may be more damaging.

as far as gay marriage is concerned, i don't have a strong opinion about it either way (probably because i don't know any gay people wanting to marry) and so for me to bring it up would be even harder to justify than a gay friend. i do believe the rights of marriage shouldn't be exclusive to people of only one particular sexual orientation but i'm not the kind of person to protest in a rally demanding the government to change their laws.

DiamondDog

Sep 2, 2007, 6:21 PM

If you want to test the waters of your family and friends leave out some gay/bi porn videos/magazines, or let them "catch" you with a man in bed! <eg> ;)

Skater Boy

Sep 2, 2007, 6:41 PM

If you want to test the waters of your family and friends leave out some gay/bi porn videos/magazines, or let them "catch" you with a man in bed! <eg>

I DON'T recommend that. I assume DD was joking. Most people are "tolerant" of others' preferences, but in many cases do not like to be exposed to them first-hand, especially without warning.

Just try raising the issue of homosexuality subtly within a conversation. You'll soon guage your family/friends' feelings towards the issue.

Alternatively there are various books available to help you tell people. such as this one, called "Outing yourself":

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Outing-Yourself-Signorile/dp/0684826178/ref=sr_1_1/203-1817516-7577512?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1188772685&sr=8-1

But remember: don't feel obliged to tell ANYONE ANYTHING that you don't feel comfortable with.

DiamondDog

Sep 2, 2007, 6:48 PM

I DON'T recommend that. I assume DD was joking. Most people are "tolerant" of others' preferences, but in many cases do not like to be exposed to them first-hand, especially without warning.

Just try raising the issue of homosexuality subtly within a conversation. You'll soon guage your family/friends' feelings towards the issue.

Alternatively there are various books available to help you tell people. such as this one, called "Outing yourself":

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Outing-Yourself-Signorile/dp/0684826178/ref=sr_1_1/203-1817516-7577512?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1188772685&sr=8-1

But remember: don't feel obliged to tell ANYONE ANYTHING that you don't feel comfortable with.

That was a joke.

But seriously, just have a conversation with your friends and family and tell them how you're bisexual.

Skater Boy

Sep 2, 2007, 6:54 PM

But seriously, just have a conversation with your friends and family and tell them how you're bisexual.

The way I see it, he'll have to tell someone sooner or later. that is, if he really is Bisexual. So whether they are hostile to the concept or not, they'll probably just have to get used to it. But by all means take your time, and pick your prefered method...

naive

Sep 2, 2007, 9:12 PM

That was a joke.

But seriously, just have a conversation with your friends and family and tell them how you're bisexual.

sounds so easy. i honestly hope this isn't just a phase and that i'm straight after all. i mean, it would feel worse if this was the case and i came out and then need to go back on my words. i think that it would even be easier for them to understand being bisexual as a transition to becoming gay.

but i can't see how my attraction to men will pass. when i really think about it, i have probably felt the same way for a long time but have never "labelled" myself. i've even gotten into gay porn now :bigrin: