Being Friends with an Ex

[anne27]

I know some people stay friendly with their ex partners, but how do you do it?

My g/f broke it off a little over a week ago. We'd been having some problems, but nothing that I thought couldn't be worked out. We are very different type people and that sometimes lead to misunderstandings, but I always believed when people loved each other, anything could be worked through. I was wrong. She says that she loves me, but wants to be friends. We would have been together a year later on this month.

To say I am hurt doesn't half cover it. I lost my lover, my best friend, and it's f*cking killing me. My first instinct is to just cut and run and protect the smashed up little pieces of myself. I am thinking contact with her will just prolong the hurt. I don't want to be 'just friends'. I want my life back. But I am mature enough to know that's not going to happen.

How do you do it? How can you put aside the hurt and anger and keep parts of a relationship? Losing her totally from my life is hard to think about without crying, but I lost what was most important to me, the woman I was in love with, my lover.

Words of wisdom, anyone?

[DiamondDog]

I really don't keep in contact with almost any Ex's at all since they're an Ex for a reason. ;)

If you think that you will be hurt or that you'll always be wanting more from her than being platonic friends, I'd suggest you avoid her even though you don't want to.

[Azrael]

I almost married my ex girlfriend, but when I started going manic I couldn't get past the pain of her cheating on me. I broke up with her, went completely to pieces and got out of the psych hospital 47 days later. When I did, She was in a new apartment (my lease expired while I was in the hospital) with all my old stuff, furniture, dishes and whatnot. I tried to ignore her, but she lured me back into her twisted little world. Seduced me when I was too weak to resist. After we finish some of the most mindblowing sex we ever had, I said "What does this mean?". She said, it doesn't mean anything, I just needed to get laid, and I figured you hadn't gotten any in a while". I had to go to work from there and spent the whole night soaked (back when I was a dishwasher) and on the verge of crying. I advise you to keep away, at least for a while til you reach a point of understanding.

[darkeyes]

o Anne..me sowwy. Its a killer wenya break up... its neva easy 2 stay friends, at least not in the early stages of a break up. Much depends on how close friends ya wer as opposed 2 luffers. Much on how much guilt u or he/she feels, how much hurt is involved..an the capacity 2 forgive. Me been lukky wiv the latter...reely lukky.. but time isya best bet.. as the pain lessens an fades a lil.

Am 8s wiv some x's..not wiv others. Not sadly wiv me x hubbie..he won let us b an not sure my guilt will eitha... jus give it time babes... luffya. muah.:)

[the mage]

Give it time. Remember that history is always subjective, if you don't get caught up in blaming, and go forward instead, you can be friends.

[3naib]

i agree that it can happen in time... but its important to honor what you are feeling WHEN you are feeling it and not supress/repress/numb/avoid it.

your hurt is real and you need to feel it to get over it.

no one can say that you "should" be friends or not, that is really up to you to decide. its not a vlue judgement that you are a good or bad person if you are or are not capable to having a friendship with an ex. and maybe you can with some and not others.

but what i hear you saying is that you cannot right now. and your instict to "cut and run" is a protective instinct that would allow you some personal space to get your bearings and perspective, to be ABLE to make good decisicions for yourself and hear the voice f your heart clearly. right now you are in a shaken snowglobe of emotional trauma. only time will allow the snowflakes to fall so that you can see the picture clearly.

3 months ago i was utterly abandoned by partner and felt similar feelings of confusion that we could not work it out after 4 and 1/2 yrs when a month prior we were planning the rest of our lives together.

he is now dating someone else with whom i think he subconsciously hada thing for for a long time. he never gave any closure, or explanation, or even told me he moved on, i found out from co-workers.

its shocking that i am as ok with this after only 3 mos as i am. i charged into the pain of healing and was a trainwreck for the 1st 2 mos. this last month i have been finding myself and my power again... which i gave away all too easily.

i have been dating and feeling amazing- a man and a couple(seperately). its all new territory and i am navigating interesting waters to explore myself.

i am not suggesting that you immediately date other people- just that being open to connecting to others helped me gain much personal perspective.

i am not sure whether or not in the long term my ex and i will be friends, and i suspect not, because he is virtually incapable of following through with anything. and i am not dedicating my energy to a friendship with him if he does not put himself out there. its like a carrot he dangles to emotionally entrap me,
"hey, we should go play tennis"
then nothing for 3 weeks until he needs something.

i lost my respect for him. he was my world and he is afraid of that- to be real with himself. we are not that different. but the relationship would have required work he was not willing to do. all talk, no action.

if you feel your partner acted lovingly and is willing to give you what YOU need to transition into a friendship- and that is something you ultimately decide you want, then you have something/someone to work with.

all i can say- is honor yourself, and honor your feelings- no matter how ugly or painful. else you will bring yourself more pain. you need not rush.

[krystalstarr]

My girlfriend and I just broke up in April. So ex now. We were together for four years. I enjoyed the time I spent with her and she has helped me to evolve into a whole new better person. I am more accepting of myself and who I am. However, losing her was the hardest thing. She was the second girl I was ever with and she knew me so well.. My wants my desires.. my needs. Trying to be friends with her now is so not what I want to do. But not having her in my life is unimaginable. I think when some people break up they have a reason that it is over and they love that person for who they are but they are able to be friends because they see the end coming and realize why it wont work. Its those relationships were you don't see just why it ended, you always wanna think there has to be some way to fix it... Or maybe you see why it ended but you still just can't help remembering the love.. you don't want to try to find that in someone, and who knows if you ever will? I think some people just give up to quick. Love is worth fighting for to the very last drop. Me and my ex had reasons to break up.. but there was just so much love there.. she treated me like no one else has ever.. or probably will ever. What makes it hard for me is there were things I didn't do that I should have.. But I have to somewhere in myself accept that at the time I thought I was doing the right thing and I thought I was doing all I could.
The most important thing I remind myself is that if she loves me half as much as I love her she will be there.. she will come back..
I am not gonna lie somedays I do wanna run into a brick wall.. and never get up.. But I have to constantly remind myself of all these things.
In the mean time there are 1000 things I am working on within myself. So that if she does come back or whoever I am with or even if Im just by myself I am a better me and more ready for the needs of a relationship. More able to give that person what they want and need and deserve.
Read my profile for more info. Sorry.. so long winded..
Just want you to know I feel your pain..
~Brandie

[Lisa (va)]

Fortunately I manage to stay in contact and at least be cordial with most of my ex's. Now granted the feelings aren'tnearly as strong as when we were together, but it may help if you focus on the good points of the person instead of dwelling on the bad points of the person or the reason for splitting up in the first place.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[shameless agitator]

Whenever possible I think it's advisable to stay on good terms with an ex. After all, the things you love and admire about them don't go away just because you broke up. My best friend in the world and probably the most influential person in my life is the first woman I ever slept with. We spent roughly four years off and on trying to make it work as a couple but finally realized we could not live together. We've continued to be friends for another 12 years so far and I know my life would be much drabber without her in it. That said, I'll admit it was difficult at first and I spent the first couple years pining for her. Hell, even now I do the coulda woulda shoulda bit but I an incrediblwy glad I didn't just walk away. If you need to take some time to lick your wounds I'm sure she'll understand, but keep the lines at least partially open. Just my couple a pennies

[smokey]

My parents gave me a wonderful example of how NOT to have a relationship or how to end one.... it was ugly and at 10 it made a lasting impression. That was 41 years ago and it still colors how I love and how I end relationships. Some points.

(1) The biggest thing is to put your ego aside and know that the other person is hurting too. Compassion has to be practiced but it heals like nothing else.

(2) Realize that not only does it take two people to make a relationship work, it usually takes two to ruin it as well... despite what you want to think about yourself, odds are you are just as guilty as your ex in its failure so get off your high horse and eat some humble pie.

(3) Its easy to hate and to resent but its better for the soul in the long run to forgive... it takes more work but its worth it.

(4) You don't have to be friends with your ex's but try being friendly and civil. This is especially important if you both share a lot of friends... don't embarrass them by being asses. Public scenes are about the most embarrassing thing there is (to me anyway) if not for the combatants then for the witnesses... try at the very least for civility and don't act like a couple of petulant brats.

(5) Finally some people seem to need anger and resentment to end relationships and nothing you can do will make it better; those you avoid.

I have been blessed there is not one person I have been involved with that I have not ended up at the very least polite and civil with, if not friends, and in each case it was worth it. After all while you may not be lovers or spouses anymore you still share an intimacy between you that will be part of you for the rest of your lives.

[CountryLover]

For me, it depends on WHY the breakup.

I've been able to remain friends with all my ex's, including my ex husband - but not my ex lover/best friend/mentor of 10 years.

The intimacy and emotions were just too deep. It took me 6 months before I could even breathe normally after the breakup. It took another 3 years before I was ready and able to have a committed relationship again. I honestly don't ever want to hear his voice again even though I've healed and remarried.

[FerociousFeline]

Personally,

I'm friends with all of my ex lovers who are open to such a thing. I find that they greatly enhance my life. When I have problems with a new lover they are always there to reflect my own behavior back to me and help me understand the parts of myself that I cannot fully see yet. I do the same for them. It is also incredibly nice to have a group of people who REALLY KNOW you and won't allow you to kid yourself about the way you are being at any given time. I sometimes wonder if my ex's talk amongst themselves lol. It's really a beautiful thing, if you can get your latest ex to realize that like it or not, they are members of a very exclusive experience........the experience of having been your lover. It affords an opportunity for all partners to learn more about themselves, and in a way, almost creates ......for want of a better description, a family.....of people who still care for you, even though everyone realizes that it is a new role and isn't indicative of any dating pool. (no reserve status is necessary, although could work if parties were mature enough to handle it) The main point is, it's a sign of maturity to realize that if you ever really loved someone in the first place, that just because they didn't work as a primary lover, that they still have much to offer and enrich your life IF .......they are willing to develop this type of relationship with you.

Many will not go there. But the ones who will......really do love you and realize that having you as an active member of their life is a blessing.

FF

[kitten]

With any loss, there is a time to grieve. Allow yourself that time and it will soon ease.

I am sorry you are feeling pain and I am sorry that there has been such a change in your life. You will make it through and we are hear to listen and give all the hugs you need.


kisses, too,

[TashaSW]

Im not friends with any of my ex's.
For me, its cause they all turned not so nice people so I didn't want to have any contact with them anymore.

My sister is still friends with a couple of her ex's but thats mostly cause they were friends before dating and were able to remain friends.

Tasha

[allthejuicydetails]

I've managed to stay friends with one of my exs. And we're not really even close anymore. Which is a shame, cause we started off from being best friends :)

[jo69guy]

I am friendly with several of my ex's, but my ex-wife is an exception. She became vindictive and hateful.....:2cents:

[anne27]

Thanks to everyone for taking the time to reply. I appreciate your support and kindness and the reality checks as well. I think this is going to be one of those things I am going to have to figure out on my own. It seems to be very subjective to the people involved. The one things everyone did seem to agree on is time. That, I am doing. I am taking time to figure out what, if anything, I want in what's left of the tattered remains of my old relationship. I'm also doing some self evaluation. I need to figure out how things went so wrong so very quickly and what I did to help cause that.

Thank you all. I'd hug each and every one of you if I could!

:grouphug:

[snipped]

Happiness would be seeing my ex's picture on a milk carton. Although I must admit she did keep my beer cold. I'd just put it next to her heart. I know that sounds bad, but you had to be there. As a matter of fact, someone else was, that's why shes an ex.

[Azrael]

My most recent myspace blog delves into this topic somewhat.
www.myspace.com/azraelspeaks

[jamiehue]

um no.

[kennan]

hmmmmm, the reactions here so far seem to be decided NO, let the ex and the reason for the break up go into history, no poking in the ashes.

Yet over my long life I have been aware of a large number of ex husbands and wives who sooner or later will not only have to talk, they will have sex again, sort of in a one-more-for-old-time's-sake.......and ALWAYS initiated by the guy......obviously no more than horny-driven, so no real drive to revisit anything better than an instant orgasm.

My observations are based on what I've known personally from a lot of men friends who screwed their exes.....and a lot of married women whom I have poked who would admit they got back with the ex...........never, it seems, for any extended time, usually just a poke or two......and then it is off forever.

I've not been divorced so I can't speak personally about that, but I have gone back for seconds with a lot of ex girl friends.....about equal among those who were still single and those who had gotten married. I've gotten the impression that this is about the only time the women will take an attitude of been-there-done-that so it won't hurt to do it again, at least just once.

And as you could guess, since I am a bi guy, when I circle back to an ex I always get turned on by bugging 'em for details about how their new guy is......give 'em a chance to rub it in and say he's a hell of a lot better!

[the sacred night]

Sometimes you need time away to heal and then you can be friends, as I have been told more than once recently about my ex fiance. I think, though, that with our situation, if we didn't talk for 6 months, we would never talk again, and I didn't want to risk that. I still see him once every couple of weeks, and we talk online sometimes, and it's ok. The first few weeks it was painful, and I'd cry every time I saw him, and we couldn't talk about anything but our past. Now we're getting to be genuine friends again. I have another ex from five years ago that still calls my parents (I lived at home when we were dating, but I'm away at college now). I personally haven't talked to him in years, not because it was painful, but that I just wasn't interested. He doesn't even ask for me when he calls anymore, just talks to my family members, which could be to remind himself of me or could be just habit or could be that he has made friends with them, or any number of things. Lately, though, since I broke up with my fiance, I've been thinking about this other ex a lot and have decided to talk to him next time he calls when I'm there.

[RicaJoy]

I just recently ended a relationship with an ex. I guess it all depends on the person. I would highly recommend NOT remaining friends. It is really hard, trust me! I know. You get so used to hanging out with the same person all the time. It's the one person you end up hanging out with ALL THE TIME. (at least for me)

The guy I just had to stop talking with was acting VERY immature. We were going to try and stay friends, and I know friends are supposed to be able to talk about anything... But you should know if the time and place is correct. He was telling me about going on dates and blatantly putting pictures of him and a new girl on his myspace. We ended things very recently. I finally took it upon myself to just end any contact at all and it was the best decision.. It is helping me move on and not feel guilty about dating.

a little back story... I felt really bad breaking it off with him because he just recently moved to San Francisco to try to work things out with me. He started going to school, FINALLY (At 27 years old) and got a job. I dont know what blinded me, he was a total loser. But like they say, love is blind. Sometimes that REALLY sucks!

ANYWAY! I think its best to cut off all ties. It is better in the long run.

[hotblue9925]

Of course sometimes it backfires because of the ex. :(

I had a person terminate a long relationship (26 years) but she gave this long speech about how she still wanted to be in my life etc etc etc

Then I took a look at the items she was leaving behind: anything and everything that would remind her of me. She was taking nothing with her of "ours" - - and then she accidentally sent me an e-mail which should have gone to someone else.....

It is very hard to deal with the death of a relationship - and it is even worse when you wonder just how much of a relationship it was: 26 years of my life is basically missing.

Grieving? Still. Recovered? Probably never.

"Life is a bitter gift to receive"

[vices2habits]

I know some people stay friendly with their ex partners, but how do you do it?

< --snip-- >

...How can you put aside the hurt and anger and keep parts of a relationship? ...

Move on... deliberately and resolutely ... don't ever look backwards, unless that's where you intend to go.

Don't throw any poison into the water that you could regret later... smile, keep a stiff upper lip, and realize that life truly is a river... and you cannot dip your toe into the same river twice.

In my case, I've got a "Good Ex" and an "Evil Ex." The Good Ex and I were married 20+ years (my bisexuality was a deal-breaker for her), and we're still very close even 7 years after the divorce... whereas I've not spoken one word to the Evil Ex since I left her (blatant cheating).

[Fresia]

Yes.
It's possible.
Maybe not right away.
But if both people want to remain friends it'll happen.
It just takes time.

[Melody Dean]

I tried to be friends with one ex, but we grew apart. I met him at a party many years later, and he avoided me and wouldn't talk to me. I was hurt, because we left the relationship on a friendly note.

I have another ex who was adamant about staying friends afterwards. Now, I only hear from him when he wants sex or an ego boost. I still go through the ritual of small talk, and then it always comes back around to that. I tell him no, and am pretty brutally honest.

But, not only is my husband friends with his ex, I am friends with my husband's ex. It's no surprise that me and her are very much alike, so we get along easily.

[darkeyes]

Me best male friend remains my ex-husband... after I left him things were strained for some time but he is a luffly man, very forgiving and understanding and surprisingly quickly the friendship we had was repaired and us much closer now than when we were married. I am also friends with his wife and am Auntie Fran 2 the kids...

I couldnt hate him if I tried, and trust me when I say I gave more to thank him for than his friendship.. he has given me so much and I shall always be grateful:impleased

[welickit]

You left out the most important part. What caused the break up? Take some time and reflect on that. Obviously something you thought could be worked out was only your point of view. Only you know the problem so mull it over and see if you find either a cure or a way to avoid the same problem in the future. Good Luck.

[darkeyes]

You left out the most important part. What caused the break up? Take some time and reflect on that. Obviously something you thought could be worked out was only your point of view. Only you know the problem so mull it over and see if you find either a cure or a way to avoid the same problem in the future. Good Luck.
I am not sure u are referring to me, but in my case a love affair with an old school friend of my sister essentially, and my refusal to give her up when I was threatened by someone close to me with my hubbie being told if I didn't.. there was some poetic justice I suppose since the short time she and I lived together, she treated me like something nasty she had stood in. Linnet (Lynette) had been the first woman I had a relationship with since prior to marrying my husband 4 years previously. The relationship with Lyn may have been a disaster, but it showed me that I needed and wanted me own gender 2 much 2 give it up... it was with aftersight the beginning of me journey to accepting me lesbianism and Brian, my ex, ever so quickly rallied round and helped me through the worst of times in a way I could never have for him. Just the kind of man he is..:)

[Plumhead2]

My ex and I had an "amicable" divorce, in that she wanted it to explore other kinds of relationships and I would never stand in her way. We have remained friends, giving each other support when each went through bad times. In fact, we are better friends than spouse/lovers. I learned that just being friends is not enough reason to get married. If there is no passion, marrying just for friendship is simply settling. Of course, marrying for passion only can mean a devastating divorce if it comes to that.