Monogamy- the ultimate insult ???

[Long Duck Dong]

monogamy ...possibly one of the worst swearwords in the sexual dictionary.....

what is so bad about monogamy...???? lol its the point of view....
to some its the chains and locks of faithfulness.....but others is the ultimate in love and respect....but why is it such a *swearword*

monogamy conjures up images of a ball and chain, no fun, no enjoying the presence of the same and opposite sex in a sexual manner etc....a outdated and sadistic christian *rule of law *

monogamy, in fact, is a choice, a desire and a compromise...many people in monogamous relationships are quite happy with their partner, and do enjoy the presence of others in a non sexual manner, but desire only the one partner whom they are sharing their life with

in a day and age when human rights are at the forefront of near everything..... it is fast becoming a opinion, that a monogamous relationship is a invasion of a persons rights...lol
all too often we are starting to see more and more people in open relationships.... and just as quickly, relationships that crash and burn

unfortunately, the rate of verbal, emotional and mental manipulation in relationships is starting to hit a all time high, all too often stories surface about partners pushed into open relationships, casual sex encounters, kinky sex etc, leaving the person so messed up and screwed up that they may require months or even years of counseling to recover their self esteem and self worth

even in the forum from time to time, we see threads about people seeking ways to get their partner to warm to the idea of a open relationship / casual sex..... at times we read that the partner has said "NO * to the idea, yet the person seeks advice on how to push their partner to say * yes *
is it in the interests of building on the relationship ???
is it helping to nurture feelings of love and respect....????

well if mental, emotional and verbal manipulation is part of a healthy relationship, I need to really look at the relationships that are solid and nurturing without manipulation cos they are doing it wrong....

so why is monogamy so bad ??? cos it asks a person to commit to a relationship with another person and make sacrifices......sacrifices ????? arrrggghhhh, that means giving up something.....we can't do that.... thats wrong, thats unfair, thats not compromising......but we can ask our partners to sacrifice their desire for a monogamous relationship and thats perfectly ok...

many people say to me, that a relationship is about compromise.... and I agree, " lets compromise about the housework, bills, tv watching, time with friends, US time *.....
however I still fail to see how wanting a open relationship is a compromise..... as one person has to lose, if one person desires a monogamous relationship and the other person desires a open relationship.... there can be no compromise..... you can't have a open and closed door, its either open or closed
UNLESS both partners seek a open relationship.... then there can be no compromise....

so if wanting a monogamous relationship, being selfish ??? no.....
a person is asking that they be special to their partners, valuable, unique......that is what monogamous relationships are about.... placing your partner on a pedestal....
when you ask for a open relationship, you are saying to your partner that they are not that special person, they are a person that shares your life, your heart and your bed... WITH OTHERS

so when a person *laughs * at a monogamous relationship, they are saying that the values in the relations are stupid, foolish and outdated......
but the values of a monogamous relationship are built on love, respect, caring, honesty, compromise and commitment
a open relationship...is built on those things, but the open aspect is built around sex....

if you removed the ability to have sex from a open relationship, you don't have a open relationship....

so to the people that decry monogamous relationships as * evil and wrong *, i have this advise.... tell your partner that you can not commit to them.... sex is your world.... and that the more you are fucking around, the more chance the relationship has of surviving

to the people willingly in open relationships, congratulations, play safe, and best wishes

to the people in relationships, that want a open relationship against their partners wishes.... make a choice....
tell them that you feel your need to get laid by somebody other than them, is so important that they need to sacrifice their dreams and desires just so you can be happy, and screw their feelings

and to the people in a monogamous relationship.... smile, a monogamous relationship is hard to hold together in a world of temptations....but if you and your partner totally love each other and are willing to compromise, then almost nothing is impossible.....

[darkeyes]

God Duckie ya don half go on sumtimes.. monogomay aint so bad if thats wotya wan... every 1 of us has diff ideas of wot we wan outa life.. its not reely a swear word jus sum peeps think it a joke. But if we respect each an every 1 of us as we shud..wether monogomous, polygomous, polyamorous or jus plain ole trollopery, they r all valid ways of livin an if they work for us..triff.

[parkwings]

I think you've some valid points there, LDD. In the twilight stages of my relationship with a female, I contemplated the idea of asking her if I could have just 1 male lover.

Then I thought, "this would extremely hurtful and traumatic for her" so I did'nt even ask..and the relationship fizzled out.

I think women want to be cherished, appreciated, loved-I felt it would be harmful and insulting to her to even ask her if I could go get some cock.

We made the tough call and ended the relationship..was it painfull?..yes, but sometimes if you love someone, you've got to set them free.

I do realize that it's not that simple for many on this site, as they are married, house, kids, job, etc. I'm just relaying my story.

Short term pain, long term gain.

[CardShark]

It's real simple. If your in a serious relationship or especially married ;) you be 100% open and honest with your partner. If you see monogamy as a problem then you make sure you never are in a serious relationship with someone that knows that without fail! You will wish you had of if you don't do it. Not to mention your being disrespectfull and I would consider any such person untrustworthy and would be grounds for termination of that relationship. Some folks have forgiven people of it, but I give a person in a relationship alot of freedoms and that freedom comes with a price. Break my trust by lying or cheating? Out the door you go :cool: I am a person that if in a relationship I could be talked into a threesome as well as other things if the situation was right. However, I wouldn't get married to a girl if i could not my monogamous even if at the time we did do some wild stuff together. Maybe you should consider that as well. ;) If you love her enough to marry her, then you should love her enough to ask her to wait and give her the reason.

[the mage]

Monogamy is hard work.
I'm too lazy.

[Skater Boy]

Monogamy is hard work.
I'm too lazy.

Thats exactly the problem, IMO. Most people are too lazy and selfish for true monogamy.

That said, there's plenty of alternatives to monogamy, and by all means try as many as you can.

When I use the word "consentual", for me it also includes the consent of a significant other with whom a verbal or non-verbal agreement has been entered into regarding infidelity.

If I agree to be monogamous, then I do so, if only because I am a man of my word.

But I do admit that monogamy may not be the most suitable arrangement for some. possibly myself included.

[Lisa (va)]

I'm very wishy washy,I will defend a persons right to have a monogamous relationship just as I would to have an open relationship - that is as long as all parties are in agreement.
Monogamy isn't bad. It also isn't for everyone. Folks have to define the terms of their relationship that is acceptable to them (not others).
The only problem I have with monogamy is those that seem to think that one (or both) are denying themselves of enjoyment. In my opinion, it just isn't so.
You may have to make better use of your imagination to keep the physical part (aka sex) going strong,which in the long run enhances it.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[biwords]

monogamy ...possibly one of the worst swearwords in the sexual dictionary.....all too often we are starting to see more and more people in open relationships.... and just as quickly, relationships that crash and burn...all too often stories surface about partners pushed into open relationships, casual sex encounters, kinky sex etc, leaving the person so messed up and screwed up that they may require months or even years of counseling to recover their self esteem and self worth...so i[s] wanting a monogamous relationship, being selfish ??? no.....a person is asking that they be special to their partners, valuable, unique......that is what monogamous relationships are about.... placing your partner on a pedestal....so when a person *laughs * at a monogamous relationship, they are saying that the values in the relations are stupid, foolish and outdated...but the values of a monogamous relationship are built on love, respect, caring, honesty, compromise and commitment...so to the people that decry monogamous relationships as * evil and wrong *, i have this advise.... tell your partner that you can not commit to them.... sex is your world.... and that the more you are fucking around, the more chance the relationship has of surviving...for the people in relationships, that want a open relationship against their partners wishes.... make a choice.... tell them that you feel your need to get laid by somebody other than them, is so important that they need to sacrifice their dreams and desires just so you can be happy, and screw their feelings...and to the people in a monogamous relationship.... smile, a monogamous relationship is hard to hold together in a world of temptations....but if you and your partner totally love each other and are willing to compromise, then almost nothing is impossible.....

Ah, the voice of outraged puritanism, coming, as so often in history, from a celibate.....!

Some thoughts:

Monogamous relationships also 'crash and burn'.

Monogamous men and women also find themselves on the therapist's couch for years on end, trying to rebuild their self-esteem.

It's one thing to say that you should keep your promises, another to say that sexual fidelity should be the major litmus test for showing that one holds one partner to be special, valuable and unique.

LDD talks as if he's a persecuted first-century Christian in the catacombs. People are laughing at monogamy! They are terming monogamy 'evil and wrong'! For my part, I don't know such people. No one is throwing monogamists to the lions. Relax!

It is high presumption to say that someone who does not keep marital vows cares for nothing but fucking -- 'sex is their world'. LDD evidently feels guilty about episodes in his own past. But he has no way of looking into other people's souls. I'm guessing that he's also focusing on men -- it's hard to see the lonely neglected wife who responds to another man's kind attentions as caring 'only about fucking'.

Let's select one of many possible scenarios. Say that a woman loses her sexual attraction to her husband and decides not to have sex with him, or to do so only rarely and manifestly as a favor. In LDD's view, apparently, the wife is still correct in holding her husband to the strict performance of his vow to 'foresake all others'. If he breaks it, he's a 'total asshole' (LDD's term), and she may appropriately end the relationship, regardless of the effects on the family. After all, it's all his fault. The notion that a wife who would take this position might be guilty of cruelty and selfishness seems honestly not to have occurred to him.

I'm not giving a free pass to cheaters. I'm not laughing at monogamy. I'm acknowledging the complexity of relationships. LDD's intense guilt about his past has led him to a born-again conversion to celibacy. Unfortunately, the zeal of the convert isn't always reasonable, and the convert who makes rules for others rarely adds much to the sum of human happiness.

[Johnny Reb]

LDD talks as if he's a persecuted first-century Christian in the catacombs. People are laughing at monogamy! They are terming monogamy 'evil and wrong'! For my part, I don't know such people. No one is throwing monogamists to the lions. Relax!

Many people assume relationships are to be monogomous due to cultural upbringing (especially where I am, the Southeast), unless they talk about it and specifiy otherwise. Communication is the key.

I have always assumed that I would have a monogomous relationship, but who knows??? The all American story is boy meets girl, they fall in love and get married, buy a house with the white picket fence and have 2.3 children. I always thought I would fit in that mold, as do most Americans, because of our cultural upbringing.

[Long Duck Dong]

roflmao, biwords, you made me spill my coffee I was laughing so mucn

my celibacy is not enforced....but self chosen, following a path that I was already on.....I am free to leave it at will... my sex drive died for a while so I continued it as a celibate state ( in fact I posted in the forum about how my dick * died, look for the * disexual * thread I wrote )
I am by no means on a crusade, cos of my state of being.... I am actually questioning the ways of thinking that people have, that do not match my own
however the goal is not to * convert * others, but to enlighten myself to new ways of viewing old issues and traits that are outdated IN ME

I am curious as to why people say that monogamous relationships are so * wrong *, you will even see remarks to that respect in my other thread and other threads in the forum
to me, open and monogamous relationships work for different people.... it doesn't make each one any better or worse than the other....

would I have a monogamous relationship, as a bisexual ?? sure I would...I have no issues with giving myself heart and soul to a person, and putting aside a sexual aspect of myself, and working with my partner and a counsellor, to help me deal with the non sexual aspects of my bisexuality

would I have a open relationship ??? no, I would not function well with two or more partners, however, my partner is welcome to take other partners, with my blessing

cos I do not work well in open relationships, does that make them wrong ??? HELL NO

cos I would choose monogamous over open relationships, does that make open relationships wrong ?? HELL NO

my simple issue is the attitude that I see in the forum, that a person is entitled to have a open relation and if their partner says no, then the partner is being selfish and inconsiderate.....
and that comes back to the subject matter of my first post, is monogamy a * outdated evil * ????


Bi words, I am going to assume that I intrique you in some respect, cos most other posters, posted their opinion about the subject matter, you focused on me.... rather incorrectly I may add

[biwords]

Sorry about the coffee. I must say your post doesn't sound overly amused. Intrigued? Sure. You strike me as a good and thoughtful person, I just think you're going to extremes. It is, in fact, possible for a cheated-upon spouse to be just as selfish and inconsiderate as the cheater. And thereby to share in the responsibility for the cheating and for its consequences. Also, I really don't hear many, if any people here saying that monogamy is an "outdated evil". But I also don't believe that faithfulness is, in all circumstances, the primary test of whether love is present, or that people who lapse are necessary sexocentric fiends or 'total assholes'. Some are, some aren't. Fair enough?

[Long Duck Dong]

lol I fully agree with what you are saying about the faithful partner being selfish

my mother ( after 3 kids ) developed a non sexual state of mind....and her partner ( my step father ) was pretty much * sentenced * to a celibate lifestyle
sadly, he left and found that the grass is not greener on the other side of the fence ( they are currently remarried )... and non sexual...lol

one of my partners ( a former bisexual.com member ) claims to dislike sex....tho 26 + sexual affairs and numerous casual partners later ( covering the last 9 years ), she is still claiming that she hates sex and her partners hassle her for sex....

where I draw the line between reasonable and unreasonable... is things like a ladies time of the month vs, 5 years without sex cos a person is not in the mood

most of my original post was based around people that talk about having a good relationship with good sex, but they want more and feel that they are being *tied down * by their partners * selfishness *
and people that feel that monogamous relationships interfere with their ability to experience many sexual encounters with other people, but they want a relationship with a person that has stated that they wish to have a monogamous relationship

thats when I perceive it, rightly or wrongly * to be a simple case of sexual greed....and lack of considerate or respect

if I was to enter or stay in a celibate relationship, then I would state that it is my right to masturbate, in any manner and using any means ( as long it was solo or with my partner ) and that any means that I may use and is regarded as offensive to my partner, is not known and kept discreet.....
to my understanding, that is a sexual outlet for me and a compromise....
it may not be as good as full sex, but its better then lying and cheating

[hotblue9925]

Some thoughts of Oscar Wilde:

He who is faithful to one is unfaithful to all the rest.

Men marry because they are tired, Women marry because they are curious: both are disappointed.

We can, at best, have but one supreme experience in life - and the secret of life is to repeat that experience as often as possible.

;)