Bisexuality and relationships

[Johnny Reb]

I met a girl who I am going to ask out sometime. She thinks I am cute, and I feel the same about her. In general terms, I desire to have a long term relationship with a female. I feel I have an obligation to share with potential mates about my bisexuality. However, it certainly is not a first date topic, I wouldn't think (I met through a mutual friend, who knows I am bi, not sure if they told her). When is a good time to share with someone you are dating about your SSA (same sex attraction)?

If a person desired a long term relationship with someone of the same sex, but also was attracted to someone of the opposite sex, would it work the same way, why or why not?

[Lisa (va)]

I don't think there is any set rule when you should tell someone of your sexual attitudes. A lot may depend on what you wish from the relationship you are considering pursueing: will it be monogamous, do (would) you still want other encounters during it, etc. Just like folks have to determine what being bi is for them, they have to decide the right time to tell.

In any case I would think it wiser the other know before emotional attachements get too strong or intimacy occurs.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[parkwings]

I was out to my g/f before the relationship even started. It lasted over 3 yrs, but she was straight and wanted fidelity from me. (seems most women are that way)

Eventually I began to feel a bit trapped and a bit depressed, even though she was great.
I started to feel this way because I knew I liked cock, but was'nt "allowed" to have it. She was cool with me watching gay videos etc. but for me, it just did'nt seem right that I would be constantly jerking off to male videos and yet having a female partner.
But our sex life was pretty good, and when I was with her sexually, I thought about her, her body. I've spoken to some(now) gay males that had to fantasize they were having sex with a male while they were with a woman in order to stay aroused. I suppose ours was what's called a 'mixed orientation couple' where one's orientation is different from the other.

Even if I had asked her if I could have a male lover also, I'm not sure that would've worked, maybe it would've? Maybe I would've felt guilty? I don't know, I never asked her.

She wanted a stable relationship, and I did my best, but ultimately the thought of a LTR with a straight female just did'nt jive with me!

I am currently pondering whether or not I will date females anymore, I'm leaning to 'not'. I don't want to waste thiers and my's time if the relationship is a dead end before it even starts.

It seems some on this site have made it work though...

Good luck mate!

[Bisexualnewbie]

Hi there,
I told my current girlfriend of my bisexuality before our first date, mostly for her benefit so that she could freak and run before knowing me and a little for my own benefit so that I would have a girlfriend who understood me completely and that I did not feel the need to lie to all the time. My girlfriend is also str8 and likes to watch gay/bi porn with me, we have talked about meeting a guy together but I have not met any guys to think about that with.
I'm glad she didn't and she accepts me for who I am and does not judge anything I say or want to do.
I think that for me it was easier to tell a girl before meeting her so she knew where I stood and what she could expect from me as a guy, I think most girls freak out about us coming out after getting to know us, i.e. my ex wife but everyones views are different and I respect that.
Good luck on your decision and hope it works out for you as it did me. :)

[canuckotter]

I met my wife in a D&D group composed almost exclusively of bisexuals (and the three "straight" people later admitted to being bi ;) ) and that was one of the jokes about me joining the existing group, was that we were just making it more bi than ever. So my wife knew before we even met. :) The only other person I dated before I met my wife but after I came out I met through the campus GLBT centre, so no surprise there either. So really I don't have any personal experience I can draw on to help you.

Personally... I'd say it's something that should be discussed fairly early in a relationship, but definitely not first date unless it comes up fairly naturally in conversation (what? it could happen... :rolleyes: ) I don't think there's a specific timetable of "you must tell her by date #X" or anything... It's more to do with a level of comfort and intimacy. If you're planning to stay monogamous, then it's a facet of your personality that your prospective partner should know about but it's only a very small facet. If, on the other hand, you expect or intend to occasionally sleep with guys on the side (or with her) then that's obviously something that's a much bigger deal and should, to my mind, be brought up earlier. But I seem to remember you indicating in the past that you'd be monogamous, so... yeah. Probably around the time that you're comfortable just hanging out and chatting, see if you can find a way to work it into the conversation...

But then again, taking my advice on the rules of dating is like asking Britney Spears for advice on appearing sane -- not very useful. ;)

[void()]

I was out to my g/f before the relationship even started. It lasted over 3 yrs, but she was straight and wanted fidelity from me. (seems most women are that way)

Eventually I began to feel a bit trapped and a bit depressed, even though she was great.
I started to feel this way because I knew I liked cock, but was'nt "allowed" to have it. She was cool with me watching gay videos etc. but for me, it just did'nt seem right that I would be constantly jerking off to male videos and yet having a female partner.
But our sex life was pretty good, and when I was with her sexually, I thought about her, her body. I've spoken to some(now) gay males that had to fantasize they were having sex with a male while they were with a woman in order to stay aroused. I suppose ours was what's called a 'mixed orientation couple' where one's orientation is different from the other.

Even if I had asked her if I could have a male lover also, I'm not sure that would've worked, maybe it would've? Maybe I would've felt guilty? I don't know, I never asked her.

She wanted a stable relationship, and I did my best, but ultimately the thought of a LTR with a straight female just did'nt jive with me!

I am currently pondering whether or not I will date females anymore, I'm leaning to 'not'. I don't want to waste thiers and my's time if the relationship is a dead end before it even starts.

It seems some on this site have made it work though...

Good luck mate!


Sounds like a similar view on my end. Except my wife and have made it work. She needed five years before deciding it was alright for us to be open. I waited less the gay porn, but then never been a fan of any porn in general.

[DiamondDog]

I just tell people long before we're actually dating and I'll tell them when we're getting to know each other as friend or if they see my profile on a website it will say bisexual and it has my picture.

[CardShark]

I would tell her on the first date and also within the first couple hours. :cool: Because why waste time i think. Your probably not gonna wanna be with her anyways if she freaks when you tell her later. Why waste your time and possibly hurt her feelings. If she is a mature level headed person I would think at very worst she would respect your honesty. :tong: Course that is just me.....It's your cadillac :bigrin: drive it any way you want!

[the mage]

For very safe and practical reasons she should know b4 you play together.
How long that takes is your call.

[shameless agitator]

I'm gonna go with the seeming consensus here that you need to come out right away. Since I came out I've actually made a point of telling people before we ever date. I figure my orientation is part of who I am that anybody I'm with needs to accept. If this is something they can't cope with, I'd rather know right away before we have a chance to get attached to each other. I'd rather be able to blow it off as something that just wasn't ever going to work than deal with heartache (mine or theirs). Of course I apply that same attitude to all potential deal breakers.

[Skater Boy]

Honesty is usually the best policy. And that might mean telling her about your sexuality if the topic comes up on your date. Although feel free not to mention it if you decide its inappropriate at the time. But sooner is usually better in these matters.

HOWEVER, my advice would be NOT to get caught up in a web of lies if you can avoid it. If you paint one picture at the start, and then she later finds out you're a different one, she may find the deceit inexcusable.

Or then again, she may forgive you and give you a hug. Who knows...

Good luck! :)

[Johnny Reb]

I have no real way of being subtle about it, such as letting her see my profiles or what not, because often online I do not give my orientation (for instance on myspace). This is because I am out to only three people, my friend, his girlfriend and another friend of mine. Many of my friends are very religious people who I get along with very well, but would tell me how "sinful" my feelings are....like I haven't heard it before or something.

Thanks for the advice. One of the things that I will mention is that I am capable of being faithful to her and only her if that is what she desires. I am not about to make excuses for myself, or give myself carte blache to fool around just because I have a need to.

[ambi53mm]

When is a good time to share with someone you are dating about your SSA (same sex attraction)?


Time :bigrin: ...No need to set any particular time....When it feels right........You'll know. :)

Ambi :)

[biwords]

I'm gonna go with the seeming consensus here that you need to come out right away. Since I came out I've actually made a point of telling people before we ever date. I figure my orientation is part of who I am that anybody I'm with needs to accept. If this is something they can't cope with, I'd rather know right away before we have a chance to get attached to each other. I'd rather be able to blow it off as something that just wasn't ever going to work than deal with heartache (mine or theirs). Of course I apply that same attitude to all potential deal breakers.

Not often that I find myself in agreement with a communist. :)
But if you don't let the other people know right away, they may well end up very uncomfortable and wondering why you led them on or at the least, wasted their time. And indeed, it's not very respectful to ate under false pretenses. If you ask someone of the opposite sex out on a date, the presumption is that you're straight. To get someone to agree to a date on the basis of their belief in something you know to be untrue -- no, that's not kosher.

[welickit]

Needless to say everyone is different but we discussed it very early in our relationship. No relationship will last if there isn't total honesty and an open line of communication between the parties thereof. As it turned out we are both bisexual and both of us are very comfortable with being bi and we also appreciate the fact that the other is bi. In looking back, at first most of our friends were for the most part straight. As time passed we found that we were more at ease with people who were bi, gay or lesbian. :bipride:

[Long Duck Dong]

I would prefer that any potential partner understands that I am bisexual natured, but that doesn't mean I need or desire a open relationship

I value love and companionship, over sexual encounters...so I would perfer having a partner that I could hold and hug and who knows that I would talk with them about any aspect of me

I would rather be honest and lose the chance of a relationship, than lie and gain a relationship that I may lose

[Johnny Reb]

I would prefer that any potential partner understands that I am bisexual natured, but that doesn't mean I need or desire a open relationship

I value love and companionship, over sexual encounters...so I would perfer having a partner that I could hold and hug and who knows that I would talk with them about any aspect of me

I would rather be honest and lose the chance of a relationship, than lie and gain a relationship that I may lose

Lots of wisdom in this post, IMO. Thanks for sharing.

[rmorti]

Bah Im at this point now too, i've decided im bi to some extent. I dunno how to tell my lady fook buddy, cause she got a bit weirded at the suggestion last time. I really care for her, we had best year and 11 month exclusive relationship ever, now were just f*ck buddys but I want her to feel comfy around me. I need her to know Im newly bi, but I realy dont want her to run off, however if I try to keep it to myself I get very anxious, even nervous at sex because IU know deep down Im denying someting from this girl. Yet when I accept it that its ok, and look at women im fine so I know she needs to know.
I dont need to be with a guy yet so far, but she needs to know it amy be a possiblity, or at least that I am ok to look.
Do I tell her, risk losing her and have to start from scratch or, get nervous and anxcious sometimes and hide this sexuality....its so hard to choose!?!?

[the sacred night]

I realized I was bi while I was in a relationship, and I told the person almost as soon as I realized it myself, because I felt he deserved to know since it might affect our relationship. Since we broke up, I've only been on one date, and that was with another bi girl, set up by a mutual friend who put us together specifically because we are both bi, so there was no need to tell. Pretty much anyone I spend any length of time with knows, though, so I don't foresee it ever being an issue for me.