Dating Deal Breakers - What are yours?

[shadowsaffinity]

I'm curious, what are your deal breakers when you are considering dating someone?

I just got this strange email from someone in regards to a craigslist response and it made me start thinking.

I know I have a variety of things about me that are deal breakers to other people, a few of which were mentioned in this girl's email.

These include me being Bi, Poly, Married, Christian, any combination of these and probably others.

Once at a PolyNYC meeting we were asked to write down our deal breakers and consider throwing them away, since such preconceptions are obviously limiting.

I'm now thinking what my deal breakers are. I would not date a guy no matter how attractive except in some extrodinary case that I cannot even fathom at this moment since I'm with my male partner already. I would not date someone who, since I would probably meet that person online, cannot communicate in an intelligent way that conveys some kind of an education. I would not date someone who I do not find attractive, attractive to me, not necessarily attractive to anyone else or according to any normally accepted standard of beauty, since chances are, I do not agree with that standard.

I cannot think of any other deal breakers at this moment. There are other things that I like, but they are not deal breakers. They are not things that would make me say no before giving the person a chance.

I am so curious what deal breakers other people have since it seems to me that the things that I know are deal breakers about me make others not even consider getting to know me based on who they think I must be based on this thing that they do not like, however false that conception might be. People who otherwise consider themselves to be open-minded are really quite closed-minded about certain things.

One experience that I have never forgotten was when one person, who was actually one of my best friends at the time she made the comment, said that if she had known I was a Christian at the time she met me she would have never been friends with me.

That really shocked me. I cannot not think of anything like that that I could later find out about someone that would make me have such an adverse reaction, maybe other than that they hurt animals or kill people.

People assume that since I love my church then I must be a certain way - like the Christian Right or a perfectly behaved angel that doesn't curse. They assume since I'm bi that I'm confused, scared, not really queer, really a lesbian - you name it. People think that since I'm poly & married that I am cheating, that I don't really love my partner, I'm greedy, I don't know what I want, I'm a hippie - on and on and on.

It's all ridiculous!

What do you think?? :bibounce:

[Lisa (va)]

Cannot really think of a common trait that I would consider as deal breakers for dating someone. I think dating is a matter of the heart, at least for those looking for something 'special' as opposed to someone to just go out with and have a good time. As far as those I choose to associate with, whether we date or not, about the only thing I hope for is that they respect themselves and more importantly others.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

ps. Married now, so I don't date anymore.

[entropy2]

Religion is a personal deal breaker for me, which makes it kind of hard to find partners I want to be with long term. I have a strong stance against religion and the negative effects of it, and I don't want kids who are raised very religious... just a personal preference that usually says wether or not i'll like someone :p

I'm not talking about people the "don't really care, but sure god exists", but more the "evolution is flawed, i'm a jesus freak" people which for some reason are common to my area or I just attract them.

[anne27]

I once had a mental list of 'deal breakers' concerning dating women. I said I didn't want to be someone's first, I wouldn't date anyone under 30, I wouldn't date anyone with a primary partner, I would never do a long distance relationship, and that I would never date someone married without their partner's knowledge.
Over the years I have broken every one of those. My own rules, and I trashed them because people came along and I followed my heart instead of my head. Am I a better or worse person because of it? Who knows?
But I realized I am very human.

I no longer believe in deal breakers. It's the person who hooks me.
Damn all else. :2cents:

[MarieDelta]

Sorry I do have some deal breakers.

If somone is obnoxious, rude to me or those I care about.

If someone has hygiene problems.

I guess it comes down to a respect of me and yourself basically.

I won't deal with someone who doesn't have that essential element.


M

[arana]

I use to have serial killer on the top of my list till I saw the show Dexter. Then I thought... well....maybe I'm being too narrowminded and should give them a chance. White supremist is probably a deal breaker for me, although I'm sure I'd be on their list too so that would sort of cancel each other out. I think someone with a drug or alcohol dependency would be on my list because you can't talk rationally with them, they get combatitive and it would be a stressful relationship....altho I know people who aren't on drugs or drink who are also like that, so again...questionable???

I guess in the end, Lisa is right (as always because she ROCKS!) and that you have to go by the individual person and not just certain traits. Everyone has flaws and some you can live with, some you can't....but it depends on your attraction to each other and your willingness to make each other happy. You could be throwing away your soulmate on a generalization. It would be like someone saying absolutely no bisexuals because they are all promiscuous, greedy, unfaithful and spend too much time at bisex.com. :tong:

[Doggie_Wood]

Sorry I do have some deal breakers.

If somone is obnoxious, rude to me or those I care about.

If someone has hygiene problems.

I guess it comes down to a respect of me and yourself basically.

I won't deal with someone who doesn't have that essential element.


M

We have so much in common Marie. Your above list is definitely mirrored by myself, with a few additions.

If someone is flaky / wishy-washy, i.e.: can't keep commitments (unforeseeable emergencies the exception).

Lies about themselves or misrepresents themselves (indicative of low self esteem).

And I am sure that I could name even more, but why be pre-judgmental.
I try and see the glass, not half full, not half empty, but more so as it actually is, fore it is what it is. :2cents:

[DiamondDog]

I simply won't date, have sex with, or have a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic, someone addicted to/someone who uses crystal/coke/heroin/crack, an HIV+ person, a klepto maniac, someone who has so many issues that they need major therapy, pathological liars, people who are just users, someone who's a total asshole in general, someone who
seems very promiscuious and that they'll only cheat on me, someone who doesn't want a serious or closed/exclusive relationship/partnership when I do, someone who doesn't know who they are and who lies just to be the person who they think that I want them to be, Heterosexual women (I feel that the
majority of het women simply don't understand a queer man's sexuality at all, and no amount of talking/education or anything at all will have them understand it), Abusive (physical and psychological) people, people who bareback, guys who don't have any facial hair at all ever and who don't like men with facial hair like me, homo/bi/trans-phobic people, racists, white supremacists (or any people of any race who claim supremacy of that race), political and religious/spiritual fanatics, the morbidly obese, IV drug users, closeted people/closet cases, people who don't like to kiss/hold hands/show affection in public even if it's a "safe" area like a gay bar, pushy hardcore anal sex tops and bottoms, people who seem too desperate, people who say that they're poly who will just use you for sex and then move onto the next person they can slut around with, people who don't read/can't hold an intelligent conversation, twinks/black men (I'm not sexually attracted to either. So why waste both our time?), people who have been with 100's or 1,000's of people as sex partners, people who used to do sex for pay, guys who obsess over their youth and who constantly live in the past and who can't live in the present/move forward, gossipy/back stabbing people, stalkers, hardcore vegans/vegetarians who think that everyone should be like them/follow their diet, closeted "straight" men, people who feel the need to have/cause DRAMA in their life all the time, people who don't kiss (as kissing is necessary for me), tattoos are fine but I don't like facial tattoos on anyone or tats on hands/the neck that would prevent someone from getting a job, chickenhawks, mean/rude people, people who don't follow basic hygiene (bathing, brushing teeth, and washing with soap and water), someone with very bad OCD who won't take meds, talk to an analyst or get help for it, people who are so shy that they can't even say hi or keep a conversation, people who spend lots of money too fast and seem like they'd go into debt, who can't control their $/finances or who go on spending binges, and people into heavy materialsm.

I've had relationships with smokers and I'm OK if the person is a light/social smoker or if they smoke pipes/cigars on ocassion but I wouldn't want a relationship with a heavy chain smoker who has no intention of ever quitting or trying to quit.

I'll have sex with married men who are in an open relationship but only if it's OK with their wife/husband.

The same standard goes for married/partnered women, if I were going to seek out sex with a married/partnered woman.

Yes I do have VERY high standards but I find it very easy to find men to date/have relationships with who fit my standards.

But again I have met some real nut cases in my time! :)

[DiamondDog]

Also I'd never date/get involved with someone who I work with as I don't "shit where I eat".

[Diana_TS]

Really can't think of any deal breakers, they change with the individual I am dealing with. The one exception is a pushy person who chats or emails me for the first time, and right away wants to meet and get it on. I usually say, nicely, sorry but wish him luck in his search. I prefer to get to know a person via chat, email, etc, before meeting him in person. Then when I meet them in a public place, coffee shop, etc a deal breaker may surface, such as we just might not click for one reason or another. I try not to be judgemental about things such as religion, race, gender, body type or anything else. :three:

[ForbiddenWindow]

Hey dogwood isnt that the basic dating stuff? I think it would be pretty universal for everybody lol.


We have so much in common Marie. Your above list is definitely mirrored by myself, with a few additions.

If someone is flaky / wishy-washy, i.e.: can't keep commitments (unforeseeable emergencies the exception).

Lies about themselves or misrepresents themselves (indicative of low self esteem).

And I am sure that I could name even more, but why be pre-judgmental.
I try and see the glass, not half full, not half empty, but more so as it actually is, fore it is what it is. :2cents:

[Tx46M]

In addition to many of the above comments....smoking is a definite NO for me! Can't stand the odor or all the mess that accompanies the behavior/habit. No offense meant to anyone.

:male: :2cents:

[CountryLover]

About 2 years ago, I decided to get married again - no prospects in sight. I dated a lot during my 4 years being single and enjoyed a variety of people.

My number one deal breaker for ANY relationship, be it dating, family or friends -

DO NOT LIE TO ME

Lying destroys trust and respect, the basis of all intimate relationships. We have no where to go from there.

Then of course, there are the usual things like hygiene, married men (without partners consent), serial killers and pedophiles.

At the beginning of my 4 years of single life, I also put smokers and alcoholics near the top of my list. About half way through I talked to a church friend of mine who had married a smoker as her second husband. I thought long and hard about it and finally removed it from my list, with the proviso that he would be respectful about my needs too.

I ended up marrying a heavy smoker who is also an alcoholic. I'm SO thankful I didn't let my "list" prevent me from meeting him that first time. It was a blind date, he drank heavily and almost chain smoked the whole time. Yet - the connection was there, and we both knew it.

Somehow, miracles happened and he's quit both in the year we've been married. I won't say that will happen for anyone else, but it's been an awesome experience watching him voluntarily change his life.

[mistymockingbird]

I would not date someone who cannot communicate in an intelligent way that conveys some kind of an education.

Amen. That is my primary "weeding out" factor. Because ultimately you have to stimulate my mind if you're going to stimulate anything else long term.

My only other deal breaker is that the person has to have an open mind and be accepting of my interests, even if they are not shared ones. I'm not asking someone to be into all the same things (Cause who'd want to date a carbon copy of themselves?) but you have to respect my interests and opinions. That applies to fetishes, religion, preference for mayo on fries, and the ridiculous amount of time I'll spend obsessing over fantasy football during the season. :tong:

[HighEnergy]

I agree, intelligence is definitely a deal breaker. "I licked your profile, I thot you was cute" didn't get a response from me. You is not spelled u unless you really are texting me. Putting u in an email makes you look stupid.

My family is bi-racial and lots of my friends are queer, so biggots are out. Of course I believe biggots are stupid so they get out on rule number one anyway.

Those who's first email to me is asking about sex without at least some attempt to get to know me are out. And the fellow who did make the attempt to get to know me but was offended I wanted him to use a condom lost that chance.

Kissing is probably the most intimate thing and turns me on like nothing else. If you are attempting to lick my tonsils, I had them removed. Ewww. If you are so fricking dense you can't figure out that my closing mouth, my rigid spine and pulling away from you means your entire tongue in my mouth is turning me off, you're not going to pick up on anything in bed so you're out too.

Not all of us Christians are right wing, conservative homophobes. I can't quite figure out how they can claim the anti-establishment hippie who saved the Roman's "slave boy", hung out with tax collectors and prostitutes as their own. I can't stand it when someone tells me they didn't expect me to accept them because I was Christian. Shudders. So even I won't date a good number of "those" Christians.

When I worked in the church with homeless folks, one of the pastors from another church was having a fit over the cross dressing homeless guy and wanted me to remove him from the shelter. I refused. He then suggested that he wouldn't leave his kids alone with him. I replied that I wouldn't leave my kids alone with HIM because more kids were molested by their pastors than homeless cross dressers. I figure I have good company pissing off the establishment. They used to crucify folks for it. :eek:

[the mage]

To avoid generalities I can say... Poppers are a deal breaker.
Dam stuff just stinks and it comes off the users as stink too.

[Doggie_Wood]

Hey dogwood isnt that the basic dating stuff? I think it would be pretty universal for everybody lol.

Well FW - for me and a good many others, very possible. For others, who knows. But, they are still "Deal Breakers".
Besides, isn't that what the original question was?


I'm curious, what are your deal breakers when you are considering dating someone?

[shameless agitator]

My deal breakers. Bigots, people who don't read, anyone with children younger than mine (the baby's 13). I'm almost done with raising kids & don't want to start over. People who don't get kids or why I have to drop everything for mine. These two tend to create an interesting paradox as usually anybody in my age range whose never had kids doesn't get or like them. Passive agressiveness or drama queens. Anybody whose going to get jealous of my relationship with my ex. Neocons or "religious right". Not doing the long distance thing again, it's just not worth it. I'm also a heavy smoker and a starving artist with no intention of ever again holding a "real job" if I can help it, so people who can't cope with these facts are obviously out. Is it any wonder I'm single??

[open4bizness]

1. Bad Hygiene. If it stinks I ain't suckin' or lickin' it.
2. Stupidity. You don't have to be in MENSA, but at least be able to carry on a conversation beyond cybersex.

[Lorcan]

People who are cheating on others.

All the rest i think i would date as least once just to see if they intrigue me in some way. I don't like liars, but you have to know them for a little while to know if they are liars, and what magnitude of liar they are.

[nothings5d]

My one absolute deal breaker is someone who wants a sexual relationship outside of relationship without their partner's permission. Anything else would have to be on a person by person basis. Although as I wrote that I thought of a possible situation where the one absolute might be broken. If they are in a relationship with an abusive person, but even then I would really be more interested in helping them get out of the relationship.