What came first? Sex or Friendship?

[mike9753]

Hi Folks:

I am interested in developing friends and having sex. Maybe that's too ambitious, but I'd hoped to meet guys who have similar interests, where a chemistry of friendship can develop and where we'll explore some sexual adventures together.

I guess, from what you read online, this usually happens the other way around - two close friends, with a long history, discover they have an interest in bisexual activities and so they have they background of trust to support their interest in sex with each other - that is, if they both have that interest.

I have always thought that if what you read is true, they risk losing a close friendship in their efforts to have m2m sex. So, according to my logic, if you meet a guy that is interested in sex and you have that in common, then developing the relationship into a friendship would be easier, less risky. You begin with a mutual interest and develop the friendship from there - if there is a basis for being friends.

Anyway, that's my thought. I wondered if anyone else has an opinion? (What am I saying - this website is filled with folks who have great opinions!) Let me know what you think.

Mike

[DiamondDog]

Either one works for me.

While I prefer being friends and having a serious relationship or dating first before having sex, I've had serious relationships and dated men and gotten to know them after we had sex and it was fine too.

[biwords]

I agree with DD, either will do. But I imagine it's pretty rare that one has a pre-existing friend who one day reveals himself as interested in exploring bisexuality.

[Herbwoman39]

From my point of view as a woman, in my particular case I want to know someone first. There should at least be chemistry. There should *also* be trust so that I know that safe sex practices will be adhered to.

HOWEVER when it came to men, before my first marriage my theory was once any d^ck will do ;) But then this was back in the late 80's in Wyoming before HIV got to that area so I *could * be that cavalier.

So, short answer, friendship.

[raistkit]

friends first, always. i'm speaking for us as a couple, the first time i looked into his eyes i knew i'de found my best friend. from the start we told each other everything, well just about everything. yes the attraction was there, but friends first , then lovers. his bisexuality, and my crossdressing well that came later . because we had a firm foundation to build on our secrets didn't destroy us they actually freed us to be who we are seperatly and as a couple,and by the way the sex is better than ever! the best relationships in my opinion are built on friendship. lovers cum and go, but true friends are forever.

kit

[12voltman59]

99.99 percent of the relationships in my life--sexual and non--have been with women.

For some reason--many of those relationships did start out being sexual ones that become something more--and I have had some very close "intimate" (emotionally) relationships with ladies that never got sexual---

I just think that each and every relationship is different--just as sex with each person is different and also changes with each person as the relationship goes through varying stages---so I don't think one can make any definative statements either way.

Thus far---my relations with men have been mostly sexually based initially and have not moved beyond that --but I do hope at some point that will change----

[eyewarepanties]

I think you may have hit the nail on the head. I think if your looking for sex and friendship with a guy that it would be easier to meet someone you don't know and have a good time doing what ever you want and let that carry over into a strong friendship. I hadn't thought about it in that way but it makes perfect sense to me.
I find it is easier for me to meet some one I don't know and have sex than it is to ask a friend if he wanted to have sex with me not knowing whether he is into guys or not. If the sex is good the friendship will evolve I believe.

[welickit]

Interesting subject. We have known my sisters husband for some 30 years and just found out about five years ago that he is closet bi. My sister doesn't know as she is somewhat of a prude when it comes to bi sex. The day he came out to us we enjoyed a threesome that was very relaxed and lasted over six hours. Not just sex but exploring and enjoying each other in a new way. To us sex is an extension of friendship, whether it is bi or straight. :bipride:

[mike9753]

So what do you think it takes for a friendship to grow into one that includes sex?

OR

What do you think it takes to develop a friendship from a sexual relationship into a friendship with benefits?

Are there any particular characteristics that people have that contribute to success in either scenario?

For people who have experienced successful relationships (friends with benefits) are there: things to do, or things not to do?

Mike

[onewhocares]

I find this to be a most interesting subject. It is most akin to the chicken and the egg question......well in my case, I have always developed and nurtured a relationship as a friendship first, last and always. I never go into a new relationship with the premise that I just want sex. Sex you can get anywhere and if that is what I wanted, I would go to the nearest street corner....ok, so we live in the country and they are not on every street corner, but at best, at the major intersections.

For ME, I value the friendships that I have developed on this site. I have been blessed time and time again with meeting people from here. Building a good, strong foundation of friendship based on mutual interests, respect, common goals, deep interest in the other person has lead to a place in a relationship where if WE, as friends, choose to initiate a sexual relationship the foundation is there. Now, you might ask, do you have sex with every friend from here and the answer is a profound NO. I have many dear friends from here whom I would most certainly lay down my life for whom I have not, nor do I intend to make love with. On the other hand, there have been those whom I am dear friends, soulmates of various degrees whom I have had the pleasure of sharing a most intimate part of myself with. That has indeed taken the relationship to a new level.

I guess I am one very lucky lady...being on a site that I truely enjoy, making friends,Coast to Coast lovers, big brothers,Texas Two's, Fabulous Female Friends, Canadian Cuties and Massachusetts MEN who are indeed inspirations in my life. Loves each and every one of you in your most special and endearing way.


Belle

[biwords]

As I've said before, I can't have sex with someone I don't really care for. But I really care for anyone who will have sex with me. :)

[welickit]

So what do you think it takes for a friendship to grow into one that includes sex?

OR

What do you think it takes to develop a friendship from a sexual relationship into a friendship with benefits?

Are there any particular characteristics that people have that contribute to success in either scenario?

For people who have experienced successful relationships (friends with benefits) are there: things to do, or things not to do?

Mike
Based on your profile we wouldn't be inclined to contact you. We prefer to make the first contact rather than having guys bombing us with emails and IM's. Everyone has their own rules they live bi, a person's profile gives you a first impression of them so to speak. We are sure that others find our profile out of bounds. That is why we write them I guess. Perhaps someone will read yours and it will click with them. Good Luck

[mike9753]

Interesting responses!

I guess, for ME, sex is sharing. Sharing a part of me and receiving the part of my partner, who wants to share back. Just demonstrating my lust with a paid partner, or just using someone for sex is not satisfying - I have only done that a few times in all my 50+ years and it was not satisfying at all. For others it maybe just fine.

So what I hear in some responses is a similar theme - but I am struggling with the details - what do you look for in order to determine whether you want to share or not? Sharing can be risky, how do you diminish the risk? How do you assess the genuineness of the other? What do you need to do or show another in order to allow them to feel safe enough to share?

Mike

[onewhocares]

Yes Mike sharing can be risky. But in this world there is risk inherent in most things. Then again, it is better to have tried and failed then never to have tried at all. I guess I am believer in trying.

Perhaps I have been really lucky. I have been proud to have met a good number of people from this site, about thirty to date. Most are considered friends, some acquaintences, a few lovers and a best friend thrown in the mix. I do not have any special secret to making friends, for me I guess it sort of just happens. I think that I do something that many people forget to do...listen, and actually care and be interested in the other person. I think about them and their needs, wants and desires above my own. Call me nuts, but that is just me. Not every person you meet will be one whom you continue to stay in contact with, I too have had my share. Some you will really piss off and they will never surface again. Others still may find a place in your daily lives. A couple you wish you saw on a daily basis as they mean so much. I know that I have found a great group of friends, partly because for me the friendship is far more important than the love affair or just plain ole sex. That is my two cents.

Belle

[Lisa (va)]

Friends are always good to have. As far as developing a sexual relationship with a friend it may depends on the nature of how the friendship started. May be more likely if you met someone (say from here) who you know is bi and beginthe process of being friends and hopefully there witll be something there to take it to another level (sex). Sorta akin to dating a peson. As far as long time friends you may already have it may be harder or even impossible to go beyond that, it is a matter or the individuals.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[mike9753]

Great answers one and all.

What do you think about love, friendship and sex? I seem to hear that people develop sexual friendships, which is different than love relationships. I read into the replies that there is mutual respect, trust, companionship but not romantic love.

I have gone back and forth about this. In college, I read the Harrad Experiment which seemed to dismiss the idea of love (if I can remember back that far - it was in the 60's so forgive me if my recollection is flawed) as being sort of possessive. And as such, destructive. The author seemed to propose that "free love" was a state we humans were evolving to.

Then after college, I saw many people who tried swinging, tried open marriages, etc. and everyone that I saw (I was a shrink) ended up a disaster - with all involved getting hurt significantly. Usually, it was at the insistence of one person and the spouse or partner went along. So I started to think, based on a rather small sample of couples and patients (a few hundred over the years) in my practice, that long term monogamy and long life long commitment were essential for good relationships.

Fast forward to today and I get on this website and learn from so many people that they are living lives where they are involved sexually and emotionally with others in a variety of combinations and they are happy and content. So I am learning more and more - listening as "onewhocares" mentions.

Anyway, I'll stop now because I sense that I am writing too much and wonder who has the patience to read all this. I hope I'll get some reaction.

Mike

[Sarasvati]

This is an excellent dilemma to pose.

In most cases the build up to pleasure is such an intriguing part of the process.

However I think sex on first meeting should be more wildly (whoops, widely) practised.

Can you imagine, " Oh hello nice to meet you, may I get you a cup of tea." "That would be very nice but could I suck your cock while you make it."

Often it could be the best way to get to know somebody by having sex with them straight away.

[darkeyes]

Mostly.. sex then friendship..a cuppla times luff... but wiv Paterson.. friendship allied 2 lust then sex...then luff... how it shud b innit? :) :female:

[Fresia]

Bump it up!

[jem_is_bi]

For me, if friendship comes first, sex does not happen at all.

[Grub Worm]

my first was with a cousin, then his buddies were next. even played with buddies of buddies, that was all sex first then friends. few of then were friends so i would keep having sex.

[pole_smoker]

my first was with a cousin, then his buddies were next. even played with buddies of buddies, that was all sex first then friends. few of then were friends so i would keep having sex.
Creepy.

[tenni]

I think that it can happen both ways. I think that sex that leads to friendship with sex (lovers) is good. I have not really had friendship(platonic) that lead to sex is risky. You can lose a really good friend that way if the sexual relationship becomes emotion laden. If that doesn't work out , I suspect that you lose a really good friend. I've had it where sex has lead to friendship with both a man and a woman. I don't think emotion was involved other than a liking but maybe not sexually compatible. I value those once sexual but no longer friendships a lot if not more than friendships that never had sex involved. Interesting.

[cuttin2dachase]

For me the sex always comes first. I find sex with men highly exciting and sexually satisfying, but I'm not emotionally geared to fall in love with a man nor do I want to be in a relationship with a man other than in a FWB friendship. I want to meet men for sex first, then become friends if we really enjoy each other's company and desire to explore further and meet again. I can bond with men with whom I click. I can think of them both lustfully and romantically and look forward to hanging out, sex or doing whatever with them as friends. I feel romantic with some men as part of my sexual desire for them and I love to flirt with a boyfriend in much the same way I would flirt with a girlfriend. Once we're done with hanging out and sex and go our separate ways, those romantic/intimate feelings are gone until the next time we meet. One-time hookups are OK with me, but I would prefer to have 3 or maybe 4 FWBs to meet with once or twice a month rather than meeting numerous men for one-offs.

[charles-smythe]

Hi Folks:

I am interested in developing friends and having sex. Maybe that's too ambitious, but I'd hoped to meet guys who have similar interests, where a chemistry of friendship can develop and where we'll explore some sexual adventures together.

I guess, from what you read online, this usually happens the other way around - two close friends, with a long history, discover they have an interest in bisexual activities and so they have they background of trust to support their interest in sex with each other - that is, if they both have that interest.

I have always thought that if what you read is true, they risk losing a close friendship in their efforts to have m2m sex. So, according to my logic, if you meet a guy that is interested in sex and you have that in common, then developing the relationship into a friendship would be easier, less risky. You begin with a mutual interest and develop the friendship from there - if there is a basis for being friends.

Anyway, that's my thought. I wondered if anyone else has an opinion? (What am I saying - this website is filled with folks who have great opinions!) Let me know what you think.

Mike...sex...whose digging up all these old posts...

[pole_smoker]

...sex...whose digging up all these old posts...
A mentally ill woman who is manic named Fresia.

[elian]

Depends on the chemistry. With some people I think it is worth getting to know them and really understand them on a deeper level; with others, the chemistry is there and it feels right to want more...once we get all that "naughty sex" (anticipation) out of the way then I think it is easy to open up to people..assuming I am a good judge of character.