?Love or Sexuality?

[naughty'BI'chick]

My boyfriend asked me to choose between him & my sexuality.
I love him, but I also love being bi.
I know he wont leave me if I say my sexuality, but I cant chose between them.
I just cant, I love both so much.
Wat am I suppose to do?
HELP!!

[JoyJoyHollywood]

Well, your not going to like this but.......tell him to grow up. You may also want to gently inform him that ultimatums are not a wise way to keep a person around. In fact, maybe he should be simply grateful that your even still with him while he bahaves in such a juvenile fashion.

[Lorcan]

You can't change your sexuallity, but you can change what you DO sexually. If it's something you do sexually with other girls that he doesn't like, you can either be monogamous or not. If you don't want to be monogamous, drop him. You can't change a person,... nay even explain it to a person, who is at their heart monogamous. :three:

[FalconAngel]

He needs to talk to my wife.
Fact of the matter is, if he cannot deal with your sexuality, then he doesn't deserve you.
There are tons of mixed orientation couples out there that make things work out; most of them have their own method of dealing with their own situation.

You cannot change your sexuality. It is yours and that's just the way of things.

If you really wanted to make the point to him, then you could give him the same ultimatum that he gave you, too. :eek:

[MarieDelta]

Well, your not going to like this but.......tell him to grow up. You may also want to gently inform him that ultimatums are not a wise way to keep a person around. In fact, maybe he should be simply grateful that your even still with him while he bahaves in such a juvenile fashion.

I agree.

In addition, if you do tell him that you'll change for him wouldn't that be a lie?
What kind of relationship is it that requires you to lie about who you are to be accepted?

[FerociousFeline]

Hey hon,

I'm sorry that you have had this thrust upon you like this. Speaking from a position where I am pretty much led to believe that it was my sexuality which caused my woman to leave me, I'd have to tell you to beware. It seems Holybane also had a brush with this kind of situation. Since I really don't have a clue why I was left behind, I cannot attribute it to this in full knowledge. However, I can tell you that any way you cut it: it's a can of worms you don't want to open. What I mean by that is, I imagine, (if you don't already have questions) that once you stopped to think about what your partner has put before you, you might begin to resent your partner. They are not only showing you that they really don't accept you, but they are flat-out TELLING you this. This is pretty good cause for alarm in a LTR.
As I see it, you have several choices in a couple of categories. First of all you have to decide which is more important to you. Your sexual expression, or being with your current partner. (as I look around at all the people on this site who have crossed the bridge into full self acceptance I'd have to vote that you remain true to your being at all costs)
Secondly, once you have that data firmly locked down for yourself, you need to decide if you are going to be accomodating to your partners fear (this is really what it is) or not. Are you willing to take the time and energy to reassure your partner that he is safe in his position? Or is that really his problem because if he wants you, he only gets the full package. Nobody should be expected to cut themselves to pieces for only the parts that a partner finds desirable. (see what I mean?)

While it is true that you may not be able to change your sexuality, it is also true that you can control what you do and what you don't express. If you love this man enough to make that sacrifice, and want to, I say do what makes your heart happy. But....and this is a BIG but. IF you should decide to ALLOW that situation to occur, you would be best served to let him know that this is about YOUR decision, and doesn't have a THING to do with his childish insensitive ultimatum. Stay in your power girl. Do what you desire to do, but make sure it's YOUR decision to DO it. Okay?

FF

[Long Duck Dong]

naughty, hun.... tell him to give up his heterosexuality.....and when he tells you to stop being so stupid, then ask him why he asked you to try and give up your sexuality

if he truly loves you, then he needs to understand that love is a compromise.....
and that he is asking you to choose between happiness as yourself and happiness in the relationship

take away your bisexuality and you become a unhappy person that is not the person he loves......so he needs to understand what he is asking of you....
he is not saying to choose between love and bisexuality, but between his happiness and your happiness.....and if you give up your sexuality, neither of you will be happy with the outcome

[kitten]

Ultimatums. Seems like bullying to me. If he gets what he wants, what do you get?
Any partnership is a compromise. Each partner decides what can be given.
You need to decide. If one partner is doing all the giving and the other making demands that is hardly a compromise.
So, I agree with previous replies...what is he willing to give up for your commitment that is equal to what he is asking of you.

Balance is the key in my opinion.

Best wishes with your choices and decisions!

[Lisa (va)]

You can't change your sexuallity, but you can change what you DO sexually. If it's something you do sexually with other girls that he doesn't like, you can either be monogamous or not. If you don't want to be monogamous, drop him. You can't change a person,... nay even explain it to a person, who is at their heart monogamous. :three:

I couldn't agree more. I am a 'married monogamous bisexual women' , I choose to be in a monogamous relationship. That doesn't change the fact that I was, am and will be bisexual, just that I choose to love one person. It works for me, but there are those where the attraction to same sex is more a driving factor in their lives, they have to follow their own path, hopefully with someone who is understanding of their wants, needs, desires.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Skater Boy]

You can't change your sexuallity, but you can change what you DO sexually. If it's something you do sexually with other girls that he doesn't like, you can either be monogamous or not. If you don't want to be monogamous, drop him. You can't change a person,... nay even explain it to a person, who is at their heart monogamous. :three:

I agree with Lorcan. But its not clear from your original post what your boyfriend has asked you to choose from. If he's asking you to deny your sexuality in order to be with him, then its a no-brainer. But if he's just asking for monogamy, then thats not really such a outrageous "ultimatum".

[12voltman59]

There has been some very good advice given here--

Well here is my two cents--

While we don't know specifically the nature of what he meant---the fact that he thinks he has the right to dictate to you such a thing--beyond the expectation that you only engage in a relationship with him--is pretty presumptious---and a danger sign if it was not done in a tactful and respectful manner--if he said it dictator-like---well---you have other issues at work here beyond your sexuality and such--

We don't know the tone and nature of his statement too you but it seems to me that as adults and individuals--you can negotiate out the nature of your relationship and its parameters---but I don't see him holding a chain on you--if he cannot respect your basic nature---it might be wise to start to work your way out of this relationship so you can find someone who does respect you for what you are...

However it goes---Good luck and all the best...

[biwords]

My boyfriend asked me to choose between him & my sexuality.
I love him, but I also love being bi.
I know he wont leave me if I say my sexuality, but I cant chose between them.
I just cant, I love both so much.
Wat am I suppose to do?
HELP!!

I can't add much to the excellent advice already given, but I'm curious: if you know he won't leave you, then what;s meant by his saying that you are to 'choose between' him and your sexuality? Or are you saying that he's threatening to leave but in the end will be too weak to do so? If the second, then that's yet another reason to be wary.

Even if you choose to be monogamous now, there's no telling how you'll feel about it five or ten years from now....so the wiser course, in my view, is to find someone who accepts your sexuality, period.

[Herbwoman39]

Is he always a manipulative bullying schmuck? Seriously sweetie, you need to find someone who accepts you and loves you for who you are. Not someone who lives by the motto "You're perfect just the way you are. Now change!".

Now I understand that I have only heard this part of the discussion. He may be a really nice guy who *does* love you. The thing is, like others have said, an ultimatum dealing with giving up something that is a part of you isn't a very good way to keep you around. People who love us accept us the way we are.

My husband is straight and I'm Bi. We have an arrangement that I have yet to take advantage of. If you can get him to, have your boyfriend read "The Bisexual's Guide To The Universe". It really helped us set up ground rules for the both of us.

Good luck.