Guilty pleasure?

[rmorti]

Hey its me again, as you know i'm new to this stuff and still defining my feelings and all that jazz. Anyway just wanted to lay down how I feel and see what people think/if anyone is remotely the same as me?

I still enjoy thinking about doing stuff with girls in my head, its the turn on for me, and I enjoy watching straight porn. Thinking about men doing stuff or watching gay porn does not do it for me, although when Im out and about or watching tv, a really good looking guy deffinetly catches my eye more.
When I date girls I enjoy the sex and being caressed by a girl (even writting that turned me on :P) but I cant help but think about my body and mind questioning being with a man.
When I realised this new "feeling" in december, I honestly thought about it 24/7 and was trying to find some sort of answer from day one. I also have suffered from paranoia/anxiety too and it just was not nice at all and I made myself depressed about what was going on as I didn't really understand it too well.
Anyway, I feel like I need to feed this side for a man as until I do I will notice them more over girls at the moment as I thought about it so much from the start. I feel like once my body understands that i've been with one, my senses will level more as mentally women are more stimulating but visually I just cant help but catch a good looking guy. Is it like that for anyone else at all?
Also my mood changes all the time, one minute I just want to imagine my lady friend in her small thong and rip them off and have crazy sex with her, next minute I just couldnt do it as I dont feel im in the right mood.
Any of this sound familiar to anyone?
Id love the feedback and thank you for your time.

[someotherguy]

Ban the guilt. It does no good. Focus on the pleasure. Keep in mind it's OK to feel however you do, just so no one gets hurt.

I never had any misgivings or doubts about my feelings. I figure they are what they are. The hassle is in trying to fit into society, where you know a certain number of people are hostile anti-gay types, and others just want nothing to do with you if you are bi. My solution is to ignore anyone who I don't like what they think of me. Problem solved, sort of. So far nobody has made a bigger deal of it than I have, which is to say, it isn't a big deal at all. Part of being who you are is to accept yourself first, then fit in second. There will always be enough good-hearted, open-minded people to make friends and be accepted and loved. The rest are clowns on parade.

Sex isn't always just one way all the time. Feelings and desires change. It just means you can enjoy more stuff.

[JoyJoyHollywood]

Yes, it does sound familiar. I'm rather like that myself. Sometimes I don't think a whole lot about girls and boys become my primary interest. Sometimes I don't think about boys much and girls become my primary interest. Some of the time they are about equal in my interest. Right now I'm in a girl stage, but that can change very easily.

It depends on a few factors. My mood, who I'm around and just my internal chemistry. A defined preference for one or the other usually lasts for about four days, then it will shift again. I should really keep track of it to see if it follows any cycle, but I always forget.

And, I've read more than a few posts here by people saying the same thing.

[kitten]

I haven't paid attention to any cycle. Yes my interests, preferences and desires shift around. I have learned to take it as it goes. I don't judge myself anymore and I don't feel the need to let it bother me anymore. I just appreciate sharing pleasure be it visual, verbal or otherwise.

Give yourself a break and just enjoy the pleasures you are discovering.

[Cocoa]

Hey,

I definitely know how you are feeling. Although I am female I have been having the exact same feelings. All this is new to me too. I am currently in a relationship with a male and sometimes I really want him and get turned on by him, but sometimes I'm really not. Both straight and gay porn turns me on. But walking down the street I tend to check out allot more girls than guys. It is very confusing. Lately it has been all I think about. Sometimes it makes me really anxious or depressed, even guilty. Mostly just confused though, how can you be turned on and like both sexes? Mostly I think it is just how we are socialized.

The best advice I can give is take it day by day and realize that people are just that...people. The question should be why not be turned on by both sexes? What I have found is you just need to relax and not put so much pressure on Figuring yourself out or labelling yourself. When the time comes you know it will be right. Whether it is posting an ad here or something even bigger.

[rmorti]

I try to relax but its a bit more difficult said then done. At one point near the start I was completely depressed, didnt eat much lost weight just because I didnt understand it, wanted an answer and my body just was not giving me one. As time went on it has cooled a bit, although I still struggle to feel 100% cool but i am taking it as it comes. My current lady fuck buddy knows about what im going through, although I dont tell her the details about how I may have to confront these possible needs and well look for a man until im 100% positive that will help show me the right direction.

I find that when Im around people its great as it takes my mind off things like seeing Die hard 4.0 (which was brilliant btw) with my mates we just chilled and it was great. Although when I was watching the film, it was hard to enjot when I was thinking about for 90% of it. I know I need to take my min doff it, shut it down because its just not helping but I really struggle to find ways because I paniced about it all so much that it got extreme.
I try to keep busy, read books, play an patic online game as a hobby, gym etc I also want to take up a religion, not as in become one but just as interest, Like I feel like reading about buddhism would be cool, just to get some form of belief, and interest.

I've even been recommended meditation/anxiety pills as obviously the anxiety is not helping, sometimes I feel anxiety couldbe wahts sending me through this all together and once I rid it I may get back on track. Its all very irritating and confusing and hard to put to back of the mind but I'm really trying so hard.

[DiamondDog]

Yes, it does sound familiar. I'm rather like that myself. Sometimes I don't think a whole lot about girls and boys become my primary interest. Sometimes I don't think about boys much and girls become my primary interest. Some of the time they are about equal in my interest. Right now I'm in a girl stage, but that can change very easily.

It depends on a few factors. My mood, who I'm around and just my internal chemistry. A defined preference for one or the other usually lasts for about four days, then it will shift again. I should really keep track of it to see if it follows any cycle, but I always forget.

And, I've read more than a few posts here by people saying the same thing.

That's how I am.

But I'll either be so equally attracted to men and women that I'll want a 3 way with both a man and a woman, and I'll even wind up thinking/fantasizing about this while I'm having sex or commited in a relationship or dating a man and I know it will never happen.

I don't do this on purpose it just happens out of nowhere.

I honestly don't know if I can really "pick" a gender when it comes to sex or a relationship. My bi male friend who I dated for a bit off and on, he and I used to joke that we were "pigs" because we wanted uninhibted sex with each other and a woman at the same time. <EG>

Or I'll be so into men that I don't want anything to do with women at all sexually and the idea grosses me out, and this can last for as long as 6 months; but it doesn't last forever like it does for my gay male friends.

[JoyJoyHollywood]

That's how I am.

But I'll either be so equally attracted to men and women that I'll want a 3 way with both a man and a woman, and I'll even wind up thinking/fantasizing about this while I'm having sex or commited in a relationship or dating a man and I know it will never happen.

I don't do this on purpose it just happens out of nowhere.

I honestly don't know if I can really "pick" a gender when it comes to sex or a relationship. My bi male friend who I dated for a bit off and on, he and I used to joke that we were "pigs" because we wanted uninhibted sex with each other and a woman at the same time. <EG>

Or I'll be so into men that I don't want anything to do with women at all sexually and the idea grosses me out, and this can last for as long as 6 months; but it doesn't last forever like it does for my gay male friends.

I understand. There are times when the thought of a naked man coming near me makes me want to jump out of window and run.

And, I don't think your piggish at all. I'll be completely honest and say that I'm the same way. I want both, without reserve. I would probably be happiest if I could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

I used to qualify my relationships based upon an essential goodness that I thought was inherent in monogamy. Monogamy is "good" you are in a "good" relationship if you have monogamy. Real love, real relationships with potential for endurance are monogamous.

But, since I came to the startling realization that I can fall in love with a woman, the floodgates on my repressed thoughts have opened. I can no longer say that love and relationships can only be real if they exist between only two people, that all of one's desires can be filled by only one person.

I now believe that each human soul is unique in it's capabilities to love. Some will have one person, others two and some more than that. And each of these people are right in what they feel.

I think that what it comes down to is our obsession with validating emotion. I love X more than Y, so I must not love Y at all-it is not real love. Then they wake up the next day and they love Y more than X, therefor the love they feel for X is not "real." I believe life would be easier for all of us if we didn't have any preconceptions of how love is supposed to be "correct."

Perhaps we fear that there is only so much love that we are capable of sharing, therefor loving multiple people spreads the love too thinly-that it will not be enough to last. That they will be afairs that we have fondness for and not mates that we love deeply. Funny how we try so desperately to quantify the unqauntifiable that is love.

[rayosytruenos]

[...] At one point near the start I was completely depressed [...] My current lady fuck buddy knows about what im going through [...]
I find that when Im around people its great as it takes my mind off things [...]I paniced about it all so much that it got extreme.
I try to keep busy [...] I've even been recommended meditation/anxiety pills as obviously the anxiety is not helping, [...] I'm really trying so hard.Hi!

I have also been depressed for different problems altogether, and among them the obsessive wish I could have been "a normal straight guy" with a wife and kids. There was no rest for me till I decided I needed to accept myself as I am, liking girls and guys. That gave me the peace of mind I needed.

You don't say much info on your profile, but you seem to be young, but even if you are not, you could experiment with men, as far as you are both adults and the act is consensual. I guess the problem is that it seems that you are afraid of you liking blokes, and that makes you anxious about it, as one cannot repress our likes without damaging our mental (and in many cases physical) health.

In some cases, pills and meditation can help, but depends on your personality. If you are able to keep your mind still without thinking in anything, then the meditation could give you some peace, but if you cannot control your mind, you would be bombarded with the thoughts you are feeling. The pills are not for everyone and you should visit your doctor for an assessment of your anxiety.

As you said, keeping your mind busy with other things help a lot, like hanging out with your friends and engaging in the chit-chat, and in general anything that keeps your mind busy... Not 2 thoughts can be at the same time in your mind, so if you are into something, no threatening thoughts can invade you as far as you are all the time into other things. As this is very difficult to keep all the time, as in meditation, if thoughts are disturbing you by presenting themselves, just let them present and then dismiss them and keep having fun or keep your mind in blank again (if you are doing meditation).

I hope some of this can help you.

All the best,

ray

[DiamondDog]

I understand. There are times when the thought of a naked man coming near me makes me want to jump out of window and run.

And, I don't think your piggish at all. I'll be completely honest and say that I'm the same way. I want both, without reserve. I would probably be happiest if I could have a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

I used to qualify my relationships based upon an essential goodness that I thought was inherent in monogamy. Monogamy is "good" you are in a "good" relationship if you have monogamy. Real love, real relationships with potential for endurance are monogamous.

But, since I came to the startling realization that I can fall in love with a woman, the floodgates on my repressed thoughts have opened. I can no longer say that love and relationships can only be real if they exist between only two people, that all of one's desires can be filled by only one person.

I now believe that each human soul is unique in it's capabilities to love. Some will have one person, others two and some more than that. And each of these people are right in what they feel.

I think that what it comes down to is our obsession with validating emotion. I love X more than Y, so I must not love Y at all-it is not real love. Then they wake up the next day and they love Y more than X, therefor the love they feel for X is not "real." I believe life would be easier for all of us if we didn't have any preconceptions of how love is supposed to be "correct."

Perhaps we fear that there is only so much love that we are capable of sharing, therefor loving multiple people spreads the love too thinly-that it will not be enough to last. That they will be afairs that we have fondness for and not mates that we love deeply. Funny how we try so desperately to quantify the unqauntifiable that is love.

Very well said.

The "pigs" part was a joke between us.

Anyway I'm open to the idea of an open relationship. However, I'm perfectly capable of being in a closed/exclusive one for the right guy.

I don't call myself poly/polyamorous because it's a rather silly label and philosophy, and it's just another word for an open marriage/open relationship.

I don't agree with everything that I've read about it and what I've had self proclaimed poly people tell me about their relationships that are supposed to be all about "love" but they're really just open relationships/open marriages with a lot of slutting around on the side with hook ups.

[JoyJoyHollywood]

Very well said.

The "pigs" part was a joke between us.

Anyway I'm open to the idea of an open relationship. However, I'm perfectly capable of being in a closed/exclusive one for the right guy.

I don't call myself poly/polyamorous because it's a rather silly label and philosophy, and it's just another word for an open marriage/open relationship.

I don't agree with everything that I've read about it and what I've had self proclaimed poly people tell me about their relationships that are supposed to be all about "love" but they're really just open relationships/open marriages with a lot of slutting around on the side with hook ups.

Has anyone ever told you that you have a certian way about you? An admirable trait.

I have not read a thing about polyamorous relationships. But, I do realize that if I'm capable of having a commited relationship with both a man and a woman at the same time, I'm not having fantasies of monogamy.

There's a philosophy about it? There must be a philosophy about everything nowadays.

[DiamondDog]

Has anyone ever told you that you have a certian way about you? An admirable trait.

I have not read a thing about polyamorous relationships. But, I do realize that if I'm capable of having a commited relationship with both a man and a woman at the same time, I'm not having fantasies of monogamy.

There's a philosophy about it? There must be a philosophy about everything nowadays.

Thanks! Yes I do get that a lot. :) ;)

Oh yes there are many books published on the subject.

From The Ethical slut, to other ones that are really new agey, preachy, and basically infer that if you're in an open relationship that you somehow are better than or transcend those who want closed/exclusive/monogamous relationships.

Or that being in an open relationship is the ultimate solution for EVERYONE and that if you prefer monogamy or a closed/exclusive relationship that you're just blinded by society.

I don't happen to buy into all of this and different relationships work better for different people, and many people prefer a combination of having an open relationship and a closed one or they will have an open one for a few years and then keep it closed/exclusive for as long as they stay with that one person which could be the rest of their life.

[rmorti]

I feel like thats the problem, I still struggle to admit that I could possibly like guys that it causes me to think/notice them a lot more. The thing is, I enjoy looking at a guys physique over a ladys at the moment but for example when I was sitting in DIe hard 4.0 I tried to imagine being with one of my friends or kissing them and it was not a comfortable thought.
Obviously this can mean nothing because thinking about that with a girl mate can be the same if their is no connection in the way your attempting to picture.
I know anxeity has some play in this issue because sometimes I get nervous about sleeping with a girl Im that much not in the mood because my mind had been going mad earlier, however If I manage to stay more clear minded then its usualy ok.
My personal belief on the whole sexuality is its fluid and can change constantly, as like I said, I know I was 100% straight and even think I may of been if I didnt split with my ex back in december but at the moment something has changed and men catch my eyes. I feel sometimes I may need to end things with my fuck buddy as it just puts pressure on me, and if its a day where I dont want the sex then it really can be damaging and leave a nasty feeling that i'll feel like that with all girls, but when its a good day then obviously no problem.
As amazingly complex as sexuality is, its so damn scary sometimes I wish I was just asexul >.<

[rmorti]

Oh I also wanted to add that I feel like I may just not be ready for any relationship at all at the moment. The whole fuck buddy stuff can be good but as I said can be well to be honest, daunting at times because I cant help but feel all over the place.
Part of the time I honestly feel like I am just wearing myself out over sex all together with the constant thinking/worry because when I dont think about having to have sex etc Im all relaxed and everyhting calms a bit.
Again as I said this can be the complete opposite, sometimes I feel If i ended it with my fuck buddy i'd never have sex again I am so fed up with it at times.