Is it ever okay to out someone

[Toad82]

Within the last 7 months I have been outed to many people by others thinking they should tell someone else. I have been out since 19 to anyone with the balls to ask me, but it stills pisses me off that people seem to like to talk about it like they do. I am sure I know the answer already, but is it ever okay to out someone else. Am I wrong to think its wrong? :banghead: :soapbox:

RJ :lokai:

[TaylorMade]

Within the last 7 months I have been outed to many people by others thinking they should tell someone else. I have been out since 19 to anyone with the balls to ask me, but it stills pisses me off that people seem to like to talk about it like they do. I am sure I know the answer already, but is it ever okay to out someone else. Am I wrong to think its wrong? :banghead: :soapbox:

RJ :lokai:

No. It's NEVER okay to out anyone without their consent.

EVER.

*Taylor*

[Annika L]

Completely agreed. This is your information to keep to yourself or to broadcast to the world (or, more commonly, anything in between). Nobody has any business outing another, and no good can ever come from such an act. If your friends cannot respect your desire for confidentiality, they are not true friends...just rumor mongerers, if (perhaps) well-intentioned rumor mongerers.

[leredacteur]

No, it's not okay to "out" anyone. Not for any reason. Not ever!
Being "outed" is the flip side of something I've raged about several times in these pages: the Gen X compulsion to "come out to" someone or some group.
The guiding principle here is simple, if inelegant: your FUCKING business is nobody else's fucking BUSINESS. That rule applies whether it's you "coming out" [read: inflicting your sexual beliefs and proclivities on others who do not need to know about them] to your siblings, parents, grandparents, or someone else deciding that the world at large needs to know about your sexual orientation.
'Nuff said.

[deletetacount123]

No! Its not ok to out other people.

Sometimes things in life happen to show us who our REAL friends are.... we may not like the reason but thats how life works.

Your REAL friends will respect you, what you tell them is between you and them unless YOU say its ok for them to tell someone else.

Things like this tests the trust between people you know. If someone has respected you and doesn't tell anyone else without your permission then you can easily trust this person to talk to later on if you ever need to talk but don't want "everyone else knowing".

If someone tells, then you know this person isn't to be trusted to tell anything else to when you want to talk.

Friendship is built on trust and respect. Only your real friends will respect you.

Tasha

[AdamKadmon43]

NO.... NEVER, EVER .... for any reason....

What people choose to reveal about their personal life is entirely their own decision.

I take a great deal of pride in being bisexual, and I have no problems with it, but it is up to me to decide who needs to know and who does not.

People can out their own selves if they wish to in a time and place of their own choosing, and under circumstances which they feel comfortable with.

Adam

[JoyJoyHollywood]

No, it's never right for anyone to tell others your private affairs, especially this. It's just plain mean and underhanded.

I've noticed that the people who do things like that are very inferior. They can't make anyone pay attention to them unless they have hot gossip.

I only tell the people around me whom I know very well and trust deeply. If that ever happened to me, I don't think I could ever forgive the person who did it. My family has reached a very tacit understanding of my sexuality. I am no longer able to keep myself under the tight control that I used to have in regard to my interests, so they have no choice but to notice certain things that I do and say.

But, they have told me repeatedly that if I ever think that I have homosexual interests, I am never to tell them and they are never to find out what I do. If they were ever to be told outright by another party of my desires and given undeniable proof, they would try to press me in to reparative therapy in the blink of an eye. And I won't be broken or "fixed" in that manner. So I would leave. And I love them and don't want to have to loose them if only until they could accept what was going on.

So, no, it's never right to out someone.

[biwords]

The only exception I can think of to the never-out-anyone rule is the closeted homosexual in a position of authority who denounces homosexuals (as we've seen in the case of certain evangelicals). There's at least an argument that such a person has declared war, and as we know, all's fair in war...

[darkeyes]

The only exception I can think of to the never-out-anyone rule is the closeted homosexual in a position of authority who denounces homosexuals (as we've seen in the case of certain evangelicals). There's at least an argument that such a person has declared war, and as we know, all's fair in war...
Not even then Wordsie...is it for us 2 lower ouselves 2 the level of the intolerant, the incompassionate?? Is it our duty to become as they??? Arseholes???

No, no matter the provocation we shud never out anyone... it lowers us 2 the level of those who hate us and wud c us destroyed. We shud b better than that.... I am better than that!!!!

[jem_is_bi]

For me, it is NOT ok to identify someone, and then tell others ANY personal or private information that I may know about them.

JEM

[12voltman59]

I agree--its not a good thing to out anyone for any reason---it is up to the individual to decide that or not---

[dafydd]

NO.... NEVER, EVER .... for any reason....

What people choose to reveal about their personal life is entirely their own decision.

I take a great deal of pride in being bisexual, and I have no problems with it, but it is up to me to decide who needs to know and who does not.

People can out their own selves if they wish to in a time and place of their own choosing, and under circumstances which they feel comfortable with.

Adam

What if you know someone who is a closeted gay, and they spend their whole day mouthing off against gays and being homophobic. Can you out them then?

OUTRAGE would say "yes"
D :rolleyes:

[kitten]

I agree, it is not ok to out someone to others in any circumstance. If you have a conflict with someone, approach them directly and let them know your feelings and supporting facts.

[dafydd]

I agree, it is not ok to out someone to others in any circumstance. If you have a conflict with someone, approach them directly and let them know your feelings and supporting facts.

and if they continue to be homophobic after that...?

d

[kitten]

be strong and know that they are not.

hugs to you-

[dafydd]

be strong and know that they are not.

hugs to you-

can you clarify? just because you're gay doesn't mean you can't be homophobic. I know a lot of homophobic gay men and women.

BTW..This is not a real situation, just hypothetical.

D

[bhg08054]

I would say that a deliberate act of "outing" is certainly bad.

I'm not sure about accidental outing though, that may be inevitable if you have people that know that mix with people that don't.

And I would expect that intimates of your intimates are going to find out, whether you want them to or not.

[deletetacount123]

Accidents can happen true.

For example, you have 2 best friends but they don't always know what the other knows. So suppose friend 1 says "so what do you think of (name) being gay/bisexual?"
friend 2 looks at friend 1 and goes "she/he is gay/bisexual?!?!?!"
Friend 1 is like "uh, you didn't know?!? omg i shouldn't have said anything!"
But friend 1 thought 2 would know cause 2 and main friend seemed closer than friend 1 and main friend!!!

SOMETIMES tho accidents like that can be forgiven... after all, you may have been trying to tell friend 2 but could never get a moment to talk to her/him.

I think it all depends WHO it was that outed you and how you feel about that person. You usually know if it was done by honest accident or they purposely did it to be mean.

[TaylorMade]

and if they continue to be homophobic after that...?

d

I'd leave them to their own devices after that and push them out of my life, if possible. People handle finding out that the thing they are hostile to is them can be traumatic, and forced public admission will drive them deeper in rather than bring them out, and bring you to their level...which if you claim to hold the moral high ground, is unacceptable.

*Taylor*

[bhg08054]

Accidents can happen true.
...

I'm also thinking of the case where someone "forgets themselves", and is overly intimate in the presence of others, thus letting the proverbial cat out of the proverbial bag....

[anne27]

I personally think that any time you do something to intentionally harm another individual it is wrong. Not only is it wrong, but I believe in Karma. Bad acts will come back to you.

And who are we to judge?

[AdamKadmon43]

What if you know someone who is a closeted gay, and they spend their whole day mouthing off against gays and being homophobic. Can you out them then?

OUTRAGE would say "yes"
D :rolleyes:
That is exactly what happened here in Colorado with the Ted Haggard/Mike Jones episode.

But Ted Haggard stills claims he is not gay or bixexual. His ex-church still preaches the same homophobic nonsense. And Mike Jones continues to be hated by most people, including many in the gay community.

Nothing positive got accomplished by outing him.

I get outraged by it too, but I realize that you probably can not change them no matter what you do.

Adam

[Tygress75]

As everyone else has pretty much already stated, I'll just be another confirming voice: It's your business to "out" yourself; NO one else's -- PERIOD!

:2cents:

[bearisbare]

It was a major difference for me in retrospect about the ways I have come out, or been outed, over the years. I did it to myself by not knowing that some postal mail was received by family and the asking of questions to me about my sexuality. That, looking back, was fine. Same goes for this year, when I outed (or, as it felt to me actually, "re-outed") myself in support of my wife over a family issue.

It was a lot different when my ex common-law wife outed me to her mother, in a fit of anger, during a difficult night between her and I. I took it in stride as best I could, yet I hadn't been out yet to family and I dreaded the idea at the time.

[dafydd]

OUTRAGE is an international gay rights organisation.
Here is OUTRAGE's policy on outing

"We would never out a private individual or a public figure who supports the lesbian and gay community. The only people we support outing are public figures who abuse their power and authority to condemn homosexuality and oppose gay civil rights. In other words, we target those who are gay in private but antigay in public. People who act in a way that is hypocritical and homophobic are fair game for outing."

http://rosecottage.me.uk/OutRage-archives/qintelsc.htm

d

[allbimyself]

OUTRAGE is an international gay rights organisation.
Here is OUTRAGE's policy on outing

"We would never out a private individual or a public figure who supports the lesbian and gay community. The only people we support outing are public figures who abuse their power and authority to condemn homosexuality and oppose gay civil rights. In other words, we target those who are gay in private but antigay in public. People who act in a way that is hypocritical and homophobic are fair game for outing."

http://rosecottage.me.uk/OutRage-archives/qintelsc.htm

dJust because some organization has that policy doesn't make it right.

Nuff said.

[dafydd]

Just because some organization has that policy doesn't make it right.

Nuff said.

Am not saying it's right either. Just posing an alternate view. Not sure where I stand on the issue of their policy... although I would never out an individual.

d

[Lisa (va)]

It's never right to spread gossip to harm an individual, folks confide in others in the expectation as what is told in private should remain such.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[kitten]

Dafydd - to clarify from earlier - sorry it took me so long -

I feel I can't be responsible for someone else's actions or reactions. If someone is being hypocritical it is very frustrating to me. I can only let them know directly how I feel and if they persist being that way, I have to move on.
I do believe that what goes around comes around - even if it takes years for the result to get tothe individual. The person may realize their phobia and face it or they may be faced with someone else having a worse case.

I agree there can be gay/lesbian folks who act/be homophobic. It is hypocritical.

It is frustrating and maddening when anyone is that way - my MIL and her christian beliefs. She bashed other races and religions openly while at a church function! I was embarrassed and outraged. But I cannot change how she acts. I could only let her know how I felt as a result of her actions and that it would reduce the amount of time I spent helping her.
She was angry with me and accused me of judging her - no - I just don't want to be around that hypocrisy!
Therefore I realized her lack of strength in seeing another side and respecting my opinions and thoughts whether she agreed or not.
I had the strength to walk away after being direct with her whether we agreed or not.

[Tx46M]

For me, it is NOT ok to identify someone, and then tell others ANY personal or private information that I may know about them.

JEM

Well said!
:2cents:

[Huey_durden]

Only through a high enough window for discussing your orientation.
I won't out anybody or discuss anybody else's orientation because

1. I hate having to explain to people that I am not gay but I am bisexual.
2. explain to people that I won't choose gay or straight because they didn't have to and and nor will I.
3. They may have issues with it themselves. Fear of families reaction or religious upbringing that casues them to hae themseleves and everythign else like them. A different way of being a cutter I guess.


Just saying is all.

[NWMtnHawk]

I personally think that any time you do something to intentionally harm another individual it is wrong. Not only is it wrong, but I believe in Karma. Bad acts will come back to you.

And who are we to judge?


Yeah, pretty much word for word, what Anne27 said!

[Huey_durden]

Yeah, pretty much word for word, what Anne27 said!

Karma is justice without the satisfaction. I don't believe in Justice.

and personally, sometimes a Snickers bar just isn't enough.

[aWOOhoo!]

The only exception I can think of to the never-out-anyone rule is the closeted homosexual in a position of authority who denounces homosexuals (as we've seen in the case of certain evangelicals). There's at least an argument that such a person has declared war, and as we know, all's fair in war...

Amen! :bigrin:

[shameless agitator]

The only exception I can think of to the never-out-anyone rule is the closeted homosexual in a position of authority who denounces homosexuals (as we've seen in the case of certain evangelicals). There's at least an argument that such a person has declared war, and as we know, all's fair in war...
I was about to make the same argument.Glad to see I'm not playing the lone ranger on this one

[dafydd]

The only exception I can think of to the never-out-anyone rule is the closeted homosexual in a position of authority who denounces homosexuals (as we've seen in the case of certain evangelicals). There's at least an argument that such a person has declared war, and as we know, all's fair in war...

And if by outing a public homophobe you are saving others then defo.

d