Need help speaking at a Funeral....

[onewhocares]

Hello All,

I am Belle and I need your advice, consul and tips. On Wednesday morning I have to speak at the funeral of my beloved aunt. She was like my second mother and we built our home with the intention of her coming to live with us. Unfortunately, that did not come to be...it turned out too stressful for her to leave her home. She eventually left her home to move into a nursing home about three years ago. She died last evening.


I have written what I wish to say but am not sure if I shall be able to get through it with out crying. It is not the tears I worry about , but that I shall not be able to continue.

Does any one have any hints, or comments on how they have made it thru a similiar situation?

Thank you all in advance. Yet again you come to my aide.

Belle

[TaylorMade]

My grandmother died not too long ago, and my dad, being the oldest, had to deliver a eulogy, and had one written out, but then he abandoned it. . . What he did was only go with slight deviations from the printed eulogy written in the funeral program, and include personal stories, further explaining her accomplishments.

If you feel yourself lose it, cut it short gracefully. Allow yourself to pause, whether to cry or catch your breath.

Above all, relax. The other mourners will understand if you dissolve into tears and give you time to finish your thoughts.

*Taylor*

[csrakate]

Belle,
First of all...my sincere sympathies for your loss. I delivered the eulogy at my father's funeral. People were worried for me..thinking that I wouldn't make it, especially since I was such a Daddy's girl...but it is amazing what you can do when the time comes! I was determined to speak how I felt about my father...to honor his memory and to celebrate his life. I even made a few light hearted comments that I was able to smile about...despite my inner sadness.

You are a strong woman, Belle...you can do this...I KNOW you can...you just convince yourself of that fact and you will do fine!! And like Taylor said, if you cry, it's no big deal...it happens. My best to you and extra hugs for good measure!!

Hugs,
Kate

[anne27]

When my mother died, all of her children and a few family friends got up and told stories of her or read poems she loved. Everyone got the chance to say goodbye in their own way that day. Some of us cried throughout our turns at speaking, but that was ok. We all made our tributes to mom. I had several people come up to me after the service and tell me how lovely it was and how when they died, they wanted something very similar.

Whatever was precious to your aunt, remember that and speak of it.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know it's been a very trying time for your family and my thoughts and prayers go out to you.

[Mrs.F]

Belle,
I will fully admit that I am not a strong person. When my dad died in October..I sat down and wrote down my feelings and wishes, but in no way could I read it outloud in front of people. I had the pastor read it.
Belle, you are a much stronger person than I and you will be fine. Tears are normal... :( Truth of matter is, most people may have tears themselves.

Hugs to you and lots of luck! :angel: :grouphug:

[scubaman]

Belle, first and foremost my deepest sympathies for your loss, it is never easy to loose a loved one, especially one who was so close such as your aunt. Wednesday, speak from the heart and the love of your aunt. Tears and sadness is normal and to be expected, but comfort yourself in knowing she is once again comfortable and will be looking at you smiling, feel her love. Good luck Belle! Thoughts and prayers are with you.

[biguymass]

Belle,

I am very sorry for your loss.

I would have to agree with the replies of the others. (Very smart people!!)

I was going to suggest that if you cried, people would understand and give you the time needed to compose yourself to continue.

If you found you couldn't continue, have a pre-planned alternate who would finish for you.

Third, if you felt you couldn't do it at all, have someone read it for you. It would be your written words only spoken by someone else. There would be no shame by being too emotional to read it yourself.

However it goes down, my best wishes are with you & your family.

[biwords]

I was just about to say what biguymass has just said. BTW, At an uncle's funeral a couple of months ago, his son's tribute was read by a friend, and no one thought any the less of the son for that.

I'm very sorry for your loss, Belle, and you'll be in my thoughts.

[12voltman59]

Sorry about your loss Belle---

I am sure you will do fine but to help you--go to your local Barnes & Noble, Borders or other favorite bookseller--go to the section on writing--

There is a book by Writer's Digest Books about public speaking---they include a section on giving eulogies---I am sure there are other similar books---

Good luck dear--I am sure you will do just fine--

[onewhocares]

Thank you ALL, old friends and new, for you kind expressions of sympathy. I am comforted by your thoughts and encouraged by your comments. I have written my thoughts down and will go over them so they become rote. When I get up to speak, as you have all suggested, I shall speak from the heart.

Today, I met with the priest who shall be doing the service. I took him out to lunch and had a really insightful time telling him all about my aunt. That did a lot to make me realize that I am planning ( you know me ever the event planner) a recollection of a life well lived. That is my solace.

I am so lucky to have so many dear and thoughtful friends on this site. Much appreciation.

Belle

[CountryLover]

Sweet Belle, I'm sending many prayers your way. I know this is such a difficult time for you. Know that you have many of us with you now.

I've sung at many funerals, including my beloved grandma and my dad. I've found that it's best to find an inanimate focal point, rather than faces in the congregation. Pick a point on the far wall, and then simply speak your heart. Tell your aunt how much she's meant to you, how much she's been loved. You may cry anyway - and everyone will understand. I think it's a great suggestion to have an alternate to read your thoughts, just in case.

I'll keep you in my thoughts through this difficult week.
Sara

[mistymockingbird]

My sincerest sympathies for your loss Belle.

I sang at the funerals for both of my paternal grandparents. One was a large service in a chapel, the other a simple graveside service. In both cases they'd been ill for quite some time prior to passing and I'd had the time to be prepared mentally. Even so, it still wasn't easy. I managed to keep my composure long enough to sing and then let my tears flow freely through the rest of the respective services.

When my maternal grandparents passed away it was much different. They passed suddenly and within a few hours of each other. I fully intended to sing, but on that day, I just couldn't pull myself together. My brother was officiating the joint service and we'd agreed that when it came time for my song, if I gave him a certain hand signal, he'd just carry on with the service. When it came time, I had to wave it off. I was a complete wreck. Even though folks knew I had been planning on singing, not one person thought less of me. Most came up to me afterwards and told me how hard they knew this day was and that it was enough that I was there.

So. Prepare what you can, but know that in the moment, it will be hard. Stop if you need to. Delegate the duty if you need to. People will understand. The good thing about a speech compared to a song, is that no one knows what you intend to say or how long you intend to speak. Whatever you manage to get out will be fitting. Funerals are something we do for the living, not for the dead. Your aunt knows how much you loved her. Find your strength in that. My thoughts and prayers will be with you.

[skiflydive]

So sorry for your loss Belle. I hope, and I am sure, that your pain will ease with time.

I've been asked to say eulogies 4 times in the last four years. It is not easy but it is a very high honor to be asked to reflect on the life of your loved one.

A close friend of mine who is a minister told me once that it's OK to be emotional and tear up and lose your voice etc. The people listening will not mind and will admire your courage. She also said it helps her when it gets difficult to look at the back and side walls of the room above the listeners or outside if you can. Sometimes, she said, looking at the people and their pain can make you break down. When the moment passes you can go back to looking more toward the listeners. She also said it is much easier if you express your joy at having had the person in your life rather than the pain of having lost them.

My approach has been to outline a few characteristics of the person that have and will have an impact on my life and give examples of how those characteristics or experiences will keep the person alive in me. A few funny anecdotes sprinkled in are very helpful.

I did something completely different for my Dad after I had spoken about how he fueled my love for reading and things mechanical and flying. I asked everyone to whom Dad had ever told a joke to stand up, Likewise with people who had gotten car advice from him or had a drink with him and a few other happy memory things until everyone was standing and then I asked them for a standing ovation for my Dad. It went on for several minutes. The minister said it was one of the sweetest things he'd ever seen.

So. Stiff upper lip - but not too stiff and above all please make sure that you convey how joyful you are that this wonderful aunt of yours has shaped your past and future life.

Drew

[quiet1fornow]

Belle,

My sincerest condolences for your loss. I lost my wife almost 19 months ago to a 10 year + battle with depression; I lost the battle and war.

Having said that when the arrangements were made thought I had been guided to every detail. Suddenly, there was a room full of people and they asked me who was to begin....I had no idea..So, I did. Now my circumstances are mine. I knew that those people were there for me as well as my wife....
I pictured her smiling at me one last time encouraging me to do what had to be done and her smile...I felt the love in the room and somehow the words did come...for me it made a somber situation warmer for me. I felt it started the celebration of her life and not the loss to the disease.

I fear I have not comforted you but me here. Your heart will guide you in this as the others have said do what you feel you must it is your time and wishes for our relationship with your Aunt nt anyone else's.

My thoughts are with you,

[elian]

I'm sorry for your loss, It's never easy when someone passes on .. I know it doesn't really make it easier for us here but I like to think that they aren't really "gone" - just "gone home".

I can relate that my mother was asked to give the eulogy for her father's funeral. She surely felt as you did - how could she possibly get through it?

It was a long ride from PA to NJ - and she kept reading what she had written, out loud. It was extremely emotional at first, but as she repeated the words she got more used to hearing them - and although it wasn't a pleasant experience she gave a very moving tribute.

There were a few tears, but remember - the majority of the people in the room are your friends and family .. if they weren't they wouldn't be there right?

I will keep your family in my prayers.

-E

[Doggie_Wood]

Belle - My heart and thoughts go out to you in this, your time of loss.
What can I add that has not already been said or emotionally conveyed.

Stand strong and know that your friends love and support you in every way.

Love ya. :doggie:

JD

[onewhocares]

Good Morning,

I would like to thank you all for the encouragement. This morning I shall have to take all your advice and speak from the heart. Wish me luck.

Belle

[quiet1fornow]

you will do fine and feel comfortable by the time you read this I am sure.

quiet1

[kitten]

Belle,

Sending my heartfelt wishes that your sadness eases with time and that your fond memories grow more cherished. I am so sorry for your loss. Praying for your strength to be stronger and your love to grow greater.

sincerest hugs,

[NWMtnHawk]

It's now about 6pm here on the west coast, Belle, and by now you will have already been to and endured the event there. My prayers are with you even now that you've endured the funeral.

I've been told I'm a tough, strong man, and a stoic private person. But a few years ago I spoke a poem by Alfred Tennyson, ("Crossing the Bar"), at my best friends funeral, and I didn't just cry, I blubbered like a 200 lb baby throughout the entire poem; I couldn't even see any of the sea of faces I was standing in front of. Afterwards I was told how strong I had been to do what I did even though it was extrememly painful, apparently, to do it. And funny as this may sound, I think that because they said that to me, I've never felt any regret or embarassment for having been so uncharacteristically emotional that day. Whether I'd spoke that poem or had someone else do it for me, no matter. I find myself feeling some of that emotion today Belle. Peace.

[onewhocares]

NightHawk you are correct. It is now just after nine pm on the evening of my dear Aunts funeral. She was less like an Aunt and more like my mother. I must thank all of the wonderful members here who gave of themselves and their experiances to try and give me comfort, solice and a sense of direction. I heeded all the advice given. I wrote down thoughts of childhood, her importance to me and my daughter and the good and noble things she did in her life. Printed it out triple space so I could see...not getting any younger here, and practiced.

I was the final guest to speak- her sister first who graciously thanked me for my undying devotion to her sister (whom she had often forgotten) and said how much my daughter was the apple of my aunts eye. When Kendall, my daughter, got up she was so perfect, slight tears moved everyone.

When the time arrived for me to speak, I gathered my papers, a tissue and the music to a song which I was to lead. Imagine not only a recollection of my aunt, but leading the congregation in song....what was I thinking. I stood there, upon the alter, and to be honest was not nervous at all. I thought back that here I was a grown woman, a product by observation of a very gracious, common, everyday woman and I knew that my gift to her was to demonstrate all she taught me in conveyence of my thoughts. That I did. Even managed to sing " All I Ask of You is to Remember Me as Loving You".

She was laid to rest with her parent, whom she had given up her life to take care of. We had a reception at a local restaurant where I had selected many of her favoirte items to be served. Final tribute were these drinks which we call Black Cows here....Root Beer with Vanilla Ice Cream.

Again, my sincere and heartfelt thanks to all. This again an example of how good this site and its members are.


Belle

[quiet1fornow]

you certainly do not need my approval Belle but you did such a wonderful job...Your Aunt is smiling over you and I am sure is truly proud! I know it was very difficult as I had written....please accept a hug and a smile of support! I hope you will always carry the happiness for your Aunt you have written abut here.

Congratulations,

Quiet

[bi4fun22]

Belle I totally feel for you.

My aunt Passed away two weeks ago. I travel a lot so i didn't find out until a week had passed. I did muster the courage to share some past family memories with our friends and family.
Just keep in mind that you can't embarrass yourself. Everyone else is feeling the same way too. You're brave crying in front of an audience, you're brave because you are showing your attachment and love for your aunt and not everyone can do that. Everyone cries and most people have a hard time speaking in front of a large crowd. I felt like it would be much hard to not share my feelings. Take your time, take all you need. You will find the strength, i know you will.

[biguymass]

Congratulations Belle on a job well done!!!