Is it better to be Bi or a gay male who's attracted to women also..?

[Damon]

Hello to everyone who cares to take the time to read this post..

As a 24 year old male, i have been aware of my attraction to the occasional male since the age of 17. I primarily dated women but I knew one day I would want to address this attraction as it did not scare me.

So here I am, 7 years later and that attraction has progressed to the stage that I am now ready and willing to explore this part of me. I must say, it has only been a few weeks but I feel so great already to pursue a part of my nature that i'd merely been noting and observing up until now.

However, since I joined this site I have learned about the differences between Gay and Bisexual mentalities and it worries me for everyone to see the way these differences have made a boundary for all involved. I mean, before I joined this site I was under the distinct impression that the term "Bisexual" meant the same thing to me as it does to the dictionary; "Having a sexual orientation to persons of either sex" The term "either sex" being the key words for me in this definition. And the dictionary's defination of "Gay" is "having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex" But from what I have learned here, the term "either sex" in the definition of "Bisexual" has been replaced by many people with "men AND women, not just one or the other" and the definition of "Gay" has not changed at all.

My concern is this.. Why is the trend leaning towards gays having relations ONLY to gays and Bisexuals having relations only to Bisexuals..? It is my humble opinion that if a woman or man seeks sexual relations with the same sex then it does not make one bit of difference if the person likes ONLY the same sex or BOTH sexes when it comes to seeking a partner.

I would have hoped that "Gays & Bi's" share a lot of the same common interests but it seems to me as though "Gays and Bi's" are no different to "Straights & Gays".

If you are still reading this and you would like to share your opinion with me then I ask you kindly to post a reply, for, as the title stated, I am at the point where I feel I have to make a decision. Am I a gay male who likes females or am I bisexual because I for one refuse to believe that I can only have one or the other. I AM ATTRACTED TO INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE, NOT LABELLED PEOPLE!

Thank you for your time..

Damon

[DÆMØN]

Why is the trend leaning towards gays having relations ONLY to gays and Bisexuals having relations only to Bisexuals..?

Well, personally for me, the distinction matters that my potential partners be bi confirmed, and therefore would likely have a same or similar mindset (like minded) and this entails all the customs and norms of a bisexual society. It takes the guesswork out of whether or not this indivdual is worth my time and effort to make emotional and physical connections.

Some people dip their toes into the alternate pool and use the auspices of bisexuality as a sort of transistory label in their proccess of comming out as a gay individual. Of course, not everyone is this way, but for me I don't think I want to be used as a stepping stone for somone who's just looking for gay experiences while they get comfortable with their sexual choices.

Ultimately, what really matters in the end is the chemistry, personality, communication, and how one can relate to potential partner(s).

[DÆMØN]

Why is the trend leaning towards gays having relations ONLY to gays and Bisexuals having relations only to Bisexuals..?

Well, personally for me, the distinction matters that my potential partners be bi confirmed, and therefore would likely have a same or similar mindset (like minded) and this entails all the customs and norms of a bisexual society. It takes the guesswork out of whether or not this indivdual is worth my time and effort to make emotional and physical connections.

Some people dip their toes into the alternate pool and use the auspices of bisexuality as a sort of transistory label in their proccess of comming out as a gay individual. Of course, not everyone is this way, but for me I don't think I want to be used as a stepping stone for somone who's just looking for gay experiences while they get comfortable with their sexual choices.

Ultimately, what really matters in the end is the chemistry, personality, communication, and how one can relate to potential partner(s). Gender then plays a secondary role at times... I like my relationships to be fluidic and fluctuate from one gender to another based on what my needs and my partner(s) needs are at a given period in an ongoing healthy evolving relationship.

[smurf111978]

I only came partly "out" early part of this year and haven’t as yet had much opportunity to discuss being Bi with many gay people. I did however tell my gay friend a couple of weeks back and he has been very helpful and supportive as have my friends in general who i've told so far.

I feel that both the gay and bi communities need to work together and help each other. I think there is much we can offer each other and we have the potential to achieve more together than if we work alone.

Perhaps we need to do more to dispel the stereotypes of bi people and to convince people our sexuality is a legitimate and valid one; that we aren’t all just in a transition to becoming gay, or having the best of both worlds.

I certainly don’t feel that being bi is easy or the best of both worlds, how can it when it is often so confusing and lacking in the certainty like fully straight or gay people have.

The gay community and I guess many bi people too has done much to break down the old barriers society put up it seems madness to me for both communities to build up new ones between us.

I guess I am at a similar stage to Damon and Ialso dont like lables and agree its about the individual not whether they identify as gay or bi

I hope these ramblings make some sense my apologies if not.

:bipride:

[csrakate]

I'm just curious about one thing (and I know...I am hardly the authority on bi/straight/gay life)....can't you just love who you love at the time and not have to label yourself as one thing or another???

Just my humble opinion!

Kate

[arana]

I'm just curious about one thing (and I know...I am hardly the authority on bi/straight/gay life)....can't you just love who you love at the time and not have to label yourself as one thing or another???

Just my humble opinion!

Kate

Yes Kate you can. (gets out label maker and puts label on Kate's forehead: KATE - Unique Individual)

I think you hit it with the definition business of bisexual, Damon. People see or feel you must have sex with both to keep the bi status. Like Kate said, why can't you just fall in love with someone and enjoy that relationship to it's fullest. Because you have the capabilities to love anyone doesn't mean you have to have sex with everyone. It really would be nice if people could all just work together instead of against one another. It only hurts both gays and bi's when they can't get along and makes "others" come down on us for being different. They begin to believe the sterotypes.

:tong:

[Damon]

Well thank f**k I'm not the only one..

I thought I might be banished forever for saying such things :)

Thanks for the insights everyone so far and please, if anyone else has anything to say, I still have a lot of unsolved concerns relating to this. No matter how small the reply, no matter how much baffle it takes to write that one sentence that makes everything else come into proportion, please post a reply, help me and others to help everyone else in the furute. As smurf and I said, there is so much more to be achieved if we work together. I hope you all feel the same..

Thanks all so far and keep em coming..

Damon

[JohnnyV]

Damon,

Hi. As far as I can tell, a bisexual male is the same thing as a gay male who also sleeps with women. For your own sake, the best thing to do is to use both labels freely, depending on which term, gay or bi, makes people most comfortable based on the context.

For instance, if you are about to sleep with a woman and want to explain your attraction to men, you would probably want to say, "by the way, I'm bisexual." Do not say "I am gay."

If you met a hot guy at a gay bar and want to get busy with him, then tell him, "by the way, I like women sometimes too, even though I am gay."

The reason why you should choose the label based on context is nobody's fault, per se; it's the prevailing confusion about sexual identity that everyone in Western societies falls prey to. If a woman hears you're "gay" then she assumes that you don't like women (an incorrect assumption but just play along), while the gay male who hears you are "bi" may assume that you have problems with your same-sex attraction and might become nervous or jittery during sex (another incorrect assumption). Both people want to be assured that you will show them love and sexual pleasure without complications or possible rejection.

A little bit of cultural history and sociology can explain where this conflict comes from. I'll put it below in case you or someone else wants to read it, even though it might be a little boring and dense.

The terms homosexual and bisexual are comparatively new in our languages. Homosexuality was coined as a phrase in the mid-1800s, as people began trying to catalogue sexual behavior the way they had catalogued other things scientifically. Much of the scientific study of homosexuality developed as people tried to cure men who could not sleep with women -- so you can see how our notions of homosexuality tend to be closely tied to a "lack" of feeling for the opposite sex, as opposed to simply a "presence" of attraction to the same sex. The medical definitions of homosexuality were closely tied to impotence, revulsion toward women, or sexual dysfunction resulting from emotional trauma -- all unfair associations that resulted in it being classified as a mental disorder until 1973. Sadly, the gay male movement built its own definition of "gayness" on the total absence of attraction to women, which means they took a lot of their sexual philosophy from the homophobic science that had defined them as lunatics for 100 years.

Throughout history, though, same-sex attraction has usually appeared in contexts where it implied the presence of something (attraction to the same sex) and not the absence of something (i.e., attraction to the opposite sex). In Greek mythology, Zeus, the king of the gods, had a male lover, Ganymede, but this did not mean that he was never going to sleep with Hera or his many nymphs again. Apollo fell in love with Hyacinthus but this did not mean he would not fall in love with females like Daphne or Cassandra. In the Iliad, Achilles and Patroclus are lovers but Achilles also argues with his general over a beautiful slave woman, Briseis. Likewise, in the Argonautica Heracles goes insane over his love for Hylas, a male, but he still also sleeps with many women.

In the Old Testament, the same pattern can be seen with King David, who kisses and vows devotion to Jonathan. Even though their vow has many aspects of a marriage, nowhere does the text imply that David's love for Jonathan will lead him to abandon relations with women.

Until the 1800s, most cultures acknowledged, with varying levels of comfort, the fact that men sometimes slept together. But no such cultures ever viewed same-sex attraction as an excuse to avoid the basic duties expected of men: namely, to carry on their family line by getting married and producing children. Same-sex attraction was talked about sparingly because all sex was kept largely secret. It was never an indicator of someone's identity.

Fast forward to the 20th century. Cultures changed. Sexuality became a subject of public discussion. Rather than liberating people, in some ways this publicity made everyone feel that their sexual attractions had to fit certain categories. Since people now had other ways to thrive and flourish, besides having a strong family legacy, it was no longer a requirement for men to get married and produce children for their parents' sake. Also, the civil rights movements of the 1960s drew attention to the benefits a group could find, by defining themselves along a strict sense of identity. Gays, trying to mimic the African American struggle, wanted to define their cultural identity as something airtight and distinct from the society that was oppressing them. As a result of all these pressures, homosexuality became more and more viewed as an exclusive identity -- if you felt any attraction to men, you were part of a gay club, and you were never going to be attracted to women again. This definition of sexuality is fascistic, suffocating, and inaccurate, but that's how it evolved. I don't think you'll be able to change it in our lifetimes.

Summing up, I have slept with a lot of men in my life, but I am currently married and do not have interest in men anymore. I participate in discussions here, but also on gay.com. On this website I am a bisexual male with decreasing interest in men, while on gay.com I am a gay male who prefers women.... I know, it's dizzying, but somehow it works.

Put away the dictionary, and do what men have done for 1000s of years: be yourself and find love where you can get it.

J

[mike9753]

The word "Bi-sexual" brings with it some ambiguity. People do not like ambiguity. Especially when it comes to something as powerful as sex. I think if you told a str8 person that you were Bi-sexual, in a monogamous, long-term relationship with your wife (or husband) you might still get a somewhat confused reaction, but not teh elevated anxious reaction of you just said you were Bisexual.

SO I think the term, "Bisexual" means to many people that you are on the hunt - for a sexual partner of either sex. Everyone is game. That is what brings up a good deal of anti-bi prejudice.

Mike

[Damon]

JohnnyV thank you..

You have answered many of my concerns and although some of those answers are non-productive in the sense that I cant change them, my mind is now a lot more at ease.

You're right, it is my main goal to be myself, love myself and what I am and I'm still going to try to indirectly promote this whenever I can..

Again thank you JohnnyV you have put my mind to rest. If anyone wants to add anything to this topic then please do.. any questions regarding these posts or follow up thoughts and ideas please, get them posted.. your opinion matters to everyone..

Damon

[Fresia]

Bump it up!

[charles-smythe]

Hello to everyone who cares to take the time to read this post..

As a 24 year old male, i have been aware of my attraction to the occasional male since the age of 17. I primarily dated women but I knew one day I would want to address this attraction as it did not scare me.

So here I am, 7 years later and that attraction has progressed to the stage that I am now ready and willing to explore this part of me. I must say, it has only been a few weeks but I feel so great already to pursue a part of my nature that i'd merely been noting and observing up until now.

However, since I joined this site I have learned about the differences between Gay and Bisexual mentalities and it worries me for everyone to see the way these differences have made a boundary for all involved. I mean, before I joined this site I was under the distinct impression that the term "Bisexual" meant the same thing to me as it does to the dictionary; "Having a sexual orientation to persons of either sex" The term "either sex" being the key words for me in this definition. And the dictionary's defination of "Gay" is "having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex" But from what I have learned here, the term "either sex" in the definition of "Bisexual" has been replaced by many people with "men AND women, not just one or the other" and the definition of "Gay" has not changed at all.

My concern is this.. Why is the trend leaning towards gays having relations ONLY to gays and Bisexuals having relations only to Bisexuals..? It is my humble opinion that if a woman or man seeks sexual relations with the same sex then it does not make one bit of difference if the person likes ONLY the same sex or BOTH sexes when it comes to seeking a partner.

I would have hoped that "Gays & Bi's" share a lot of the same common interests but it seems to me as though "Gays and Bi's" are no different to "Straights & Gays".

If you are still reading this and you would like to share your opinion with me then I ask you kindly to post a reply, for, as the title stated, I am at the point where I feel I have to make a decision. Am I a gay male who likes females or am I bisexual because I for one refuse to believe that I can only have one or the other. I AM ATTRACTED TO INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE, NOT LABELLED PEOPLE!

Thank you for your time..

Damon...I'm not sure there's a difference...