Bi, Gay, Straight or what?

[nerazzuri]

Hi alll...

So here' my dilemma.

I'm a young guy and I'm confused like a lot of guys find themselves, I guess.

I find men physically appealing to look at and touch. I do jack off to gay porn when I'm horny. At this point, I find the porn quite arousing. But once I'm done I find gay porn very disgusting.

I've experimented with guys in the past. I find that while I'm ok with touching, kissing and dry humping, when it comes to Fellatio and Anal sex, I get turned off and lose my erection quite quickly.

Now regarding relationships, I find the idea of a relationship with a guy totally unappealing.

Now with straight porn, I do get turned on by it as well. When I'm done jacking off, I lose interest but don't get the same sense of strong repulsion. I do however watch more gay porn. Funny buy I don't like bi porn.

I've never had sex with a girl. But I have been finding girls more and more physically attractive. In the past I've caught myself catching glimpses of attractive guys as I walk down the street. Now, I find myself catching glimpses of guys and gals, but still more of guys.

I'm prohibitively shy with gals. I don't have that problem with guys however. Unfortunately, through 6 years of secondary school, I attended an all-boys school and practically all of my social life was with my "boy" friends in school (no physical relationships or attractions with my classmates) but I was curious about athletic young men in their early 20s from age 13/14.

Just before going to an all-boys secondary school, I did however have a girlfriend. We were very young, so we didn't have sex of course and it wasn't on our minds. But we had so much fun together, played games (involved a lot of play-acting where she and I were the parents and her two younger siblings were our kids), spent hours which each other and on the phone as well. Even tried to go to the same school, but unfortunately, her family moved as I went into secondary school.

I'm an only child, single mother, deceased father, which I lost before I was born.

What else? It's come up several times when I've fooled around with guys whether or not I was bi, without even mentioning it. On one particular occasion, I was quite taken aback and the guy said I have sex like a straight guy. I was upset and he joked about it saying that it was actually a turn on for a lot of gay guys to have sex with a straight guy and that he was quite turned on by it himself.

In the past, I'd given anal sex a try, but most recently, I've found myself just tell guys upfront that I don't want that and it turns me off. I've found that with blow jobs, I have to close my eyes as well, otherwise I lose my hard-on or at least need to put an effort to "concentrate" to keep my hard-on.

But then, I still like to look at cute athletic guys naked, rub off against them, close my eyes, nibble on their ears, kiss their necks as I rub my hands all over their bodies and nothing more... that definitely gay.

But if I were to choose between doing all those things to a guy or a woman, I find myself desiring to these these to a woman instead. But as I've mentioned earlier... I'm prohibitively shy with girls... like I can't trust myself to walk up to a girl and chat her up, read signs that she's interested and follow up on it. I don't know how to read off on these signs... how to follow through on them and I'm infinitely scared of making a jackass out of myself. Guys on the other hand are very direct. You know instantly if a guy's interested in you... something I can't do quite effectively with girls.

After all is said and done, what do you make out of this?

- Am I gay and just in denial?
- Am I straight, terrified of approaching girls and having to make do with guys, unsatisfactorily until I get a girl?
- Am I just a voyeur that like to look/feel hot guys?
- Have I just been passing through a phase that I'm getting out of causing these confusions?

I'd appreciate feedback, thank you.

[JoyJoyHollywood]

Sweet Pea, why don't you sit back, relax a little and take some of the pressure off yourself. You'll know for sure eventually. Trust me, if I can figure this out, only just very recently, someone who still has problems remembering left and right with out making an L with her thumb and pointer finger, anyone can. You'll know, don't worry. Just relax, let yourself grow a little, mature the vintage so to speak and just live your life. Your likes and dislikes will show themselves on their own. Become more distinct as time passes. Don't worry about them, just enjoy and respect them. Your going to be fine no matter what the answer is.

[parkwings]

Well, sexuality is a bit complex, and then when you add all the expectations and restrictions of society, it is even more difficult to navigate.

I think the short answer is: everyone IS different, be as honest as you can with yourself and your partners, and don't get boxed into something that does'nt suit you for the sake of others/society because it will likely make you unhappy in the end.

I know this stuff can be disconcerting, and you may want to figure it out "right now!" but it does'nt work that way, at least in my case, and I'm 39yrs.old

It may take years for you to figure it out and get comfortable, but, that's life!

It'll be worth it in the end, being true to yourself,

Best of Luck, and don't be too hard on yourself..

[domill]

ok, here's my :2cents:

I agree with pretty much everything Joyjoy and Parkwings said.

Being 100% straight or 100% gay must be very comforting, because at least you know for sure... for all those of us who are somewhere in between, well labels don't really work, do they?

Just don't be too hard with yourself.

You'll find out eventually.

But I can understand you've been wondering about your sexual orientation for a while, and that you'd like to get some answers/certainties.

If that's the case... then I think (and that's my opinion) that you should try to find a nice, caring girl and see how you "enjoy the contact" with a person of the opposite sex. At least you'll get a better idea of where you stand.

As for meeting girls... well I think this website in particular and the Internet in general could prove very useful, especially if you're not comfortable chatting up girls in bars or playing the dating game. It won't happen overnight, but I think writing your profile and describing your expectations will help you find out about yourself.

I wish you all the best

[Herbwoman39]

All I can add is that stomping your foot and yelling "Evolve damnit!" at yourself rarely works. It took me until I was 38 to discover that I had been in denial of my attraction to women for a very long time. But then, this is me. I'm a completely different person from you.

I'd invite you to hang out on the site for a while. Visit the chat rooms in the evening, get to know folks. There are some pretty wise people here that you might learn something from.

Good luck sweetie. As Joy said, just try to relax and give yourself some breathing room. You're young yet and things have a way of working themselves out when you don't try to force them.

[shameless agitator]

It looks like my cohorts here have all given you some good advice. I can tell you from experience it takes a while to come to grips with your orientation sometimes. My brother & I were both in our 30s before we allowed ourselves to aknowledge our attraction to the same sex. If you just keep an open mind and relax you'll figure it out. There is one question I would raise though. Nobody on here needs an answer, but you might. Do you think it's possible that your loss of interest when you try getting sexual with other guys could be from internalized homophobia?? Maybe it's not the men's bodies that are turning you off, but an aversion to having to think of yourself as queer??

[TaylorMade]

Sweet Pea, why don't you sit back, relax a little and take some of the pressure off yourself. You'll know for sure eventually. Trust me, if I can figure this out, only just very recently, someone who still has problems remembering left and right with out making an L with her thumb and pointer finger, anyone can. You'll know, don't worry. Just relax, let yourself grow a little, mature the vintage so to speak and just live your life. Your likes and dislikes will show themselves on their own. Become more distinct as time passes. Don't worry about them, just enjoy and respect them. Your going to be fine no matter what the answer is.

You do that too?? :eek:

:female: <sigh>

*Taylor*

[JoyJoyHollywood]

You do that too?? :eek:

:female: <sigh>

*Taylor*


Oh yeah, it's the only way I can get about town. And I didn't even figure it out myself. Someone had to show me. How about that?

[nerazzuri]

It looks like my cohorts here have all given you some good advice. I can tell you from experience it takes a while to come to grips with your orientation sometimes. My brother & I were both in our 30s before we allowed ourselves to aknowledge our attraction to the same sex. If you just keep an open mind and relax you'll figure it out. There is one question I would raise though. Nobody on here needs an answer, but you might. Do you think it's possible that your loss of interest when you try getting sexual with other guys could be from internalized homophobia?? Maybe it's not the men's bodies that are turning you off, but an aversion to having to think of yourself as queer??

I don't think it has anything to do with thinking about myself as queer. I think if that was the case, the thought racing through my mind would be that this is "wrong". For anal sex, I know that I simply don't like butt holes.

[the mage]

I suspect you are doing a lot of soul searching slightly off tangent.
You seem to like women but are painfully shy about it indicating a tendency towards shyness and more to the point a bit submissive.
Your shyness and willingness to play both sexes to get satisfaction combined make it confusing as satisfaction is quite possibly in the submission.
Give your self time, and continue to explore.....

[FalconAngel]

As a Bi man who has been Bi his whole life, I can say that some of the things that you are describing, sexually with your partners, is similar to some of the things that I went through growing up.

When I was first exploring my sexuality, I thought nothing of sex with either gender, but then society put it's restrictions on me and I found myself going through the disgust after sex with men and all of the things that you describe. As I grew older, I discovered that those feelings were brought about by SOCIETY'S restrictions which I placed on myself.

Don't let society decide these things for you. Take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself if what you are feeling is coming from within you or from outside of you. If they are from within you, then just go with the flow and see where it takes you.
If it comes from outside of you, then trash it and move forward. It's okay to have the erotic feelings about either gender, but it's also okay to keep it to yourself around the straights if you feel that you need to.

In here, just be yourself, because we will not judge you no matter which way you end up going.

Also, there are links in a couple of the threads to a couple of sexuality tests. Take those and see what they tell you. Maybe they will help you to sort things out a bit.

Either way, just relax and enjoy the ride. :)

[james1]

As a Bi man who has been Bi his whole life, I can say that some of the things that you are describing, sexually with your partners, is similar to some of the things that I went through growing up.

When I was first exploring my sexuality, I thought nothing of sex with either gender, but then society put it's restrictions on me and I found myself going through the disgust after sex with men and all of the things that you describe. As I grew older, I discovered that those feelings were brought about by SOCIETY'S restrictions which I placed on myself.

Don't let society decide these things for you. Take a long hard look at yourself and ask yourself if what you are feeling is coming from within you or from outside of you. If they are from within you, then just go with the flow and see where it takes you.
If it comes from outside of you, then trash it and move forward. It's okay to have the erotic feelings about either gender, but it's also okay to keep it to yourself around the straights if you feel that you need to.

In here, just be yourself, because we will not judge you no matter which way you end up going.

Also, there are links in a couple of the threads to a couple of sexuality tests. Take those and see what they tell you. Maybe they will help you to sort things out a bit.

Either way, just relax and enjoy the ride. :)

G'day mate
Don't stress
It took me all of my 36yrs to acknowledge i could be bisexual. Society plants
a lot thoughts, stereotypes, phobia's in us all that can take some dealing with.
You will find what suits you. As others have said, be patient. Porn isn't always the best reflection of life.
You may consider doing things with someone that you come to care about, even though they don't appeal in a porn environment.
If you take baby steps then things have a way of working out.
:bigrin:

[DiamondDog]

Also, there are links in a couple of the threads to a couple of sexuality tests. Take those and see what they tell you. Maybe they will help you to sort things out a bit.

Here are those links:
http://www.technostud.com/public/newsite/klein.html

http://www.youthnetsouthampton.org.uk/breakout/kleingrid.php

[nerazzuri]

Thanks DiamondDog

Both say I'm predominantly heterosexual.

[Hull1998]

I am a 33 year-old male married and with kids-all of whom I love very much.

I have always had sexual fantasies for other men and that is almost exclusively what I fantasize about when I masturbate. I also love gay, bisexual, and straight porn. However, I don't find myself attracted to other men as I walk down the street nor have I ever had any sexual encounter with another man. I have not told my wife as I feel somewhat happy relegating it to fantasy and I do not see her letting me fulfill my fantasy with another man--

So is there a point to "coming-out"?

[someotherguy]

I would say "what". It takes a certain amount of self-control to fit neatly within any given category of sexual orientation. Think of the terms bi, straight and gay as stupid words for scientists to classify sexual orientation. They need to sort everyone into types, or they lose their funding. The church needs to sort people into right or wrong. You won't find anyone sane wasting their time on sexual classifications unless it is in the pursuit of sex, so they know whether they can get in your pants, or if they have to be worried about you trying to get into theirs.

Sex is however you experience it. If a label doesn't fit, the label is wrong. If people have trouble understanding you without a label, they are easily confused. If you feel the need to adopt any one label, you have been duped by scientists into trying to fit their arbitrary classification. Demand your cut of their funding.

The conflict you experience in your feelings before and after orgasm shows how screwed up your self-image is. You want to enjoy what comes naturally, for you, but then you have thoughts that comply with cultural mores. The thoughts are temporarily set aside while you are aroused, because the brain knows its place, but then without that excuse they come back at you with a vengeance. You quickly revert back to an approved perspective on gay sex, condemning yourself on behalf of what you expect others would think of you if they knew.

The only problem I can see with your approach is that you seem to expect it should be straightforward and pleasant to be in conflict with idiotic ideals of sexual behavior. The conflict will remain until you either stop have sex with other men, or start thinking of it as a good thing. Right now you are punishing yourself for violating other people's rules about sex. You conscience is in rebellion.

My advice for conflicted emotions is to prolong the anguish to the point of absurdity. Exaggeration can reveal the basic issue. After who exactly is that that you are modeling your disgust with yourself? Blame them!

[othamble2]

I agree with the just be yourself, however I would like to know how diamonddog know when someone is bi. Share the secret! lol

[DiamondDog]

I agree with the just be yourself, however I would like to know how diamonddog know when someone is bi. Share the secret! lol

Like I've written on here before it's just a natural talent I have.

I'm good at reading people and I have excellent gay/bidar, or intuition or whatever you want to call it.

I can even do this at times by looking at a picture of someone, and I've picked out bisexuals on dating/online sites just by looking at pictures of people.

I've even done this with people and we both know it about each other and nothing else needs to be said.

I've met a few others who are like me.

Like the first guy I ever had sex with we were drunk and we still picked each other out in a crowded bar as being bisexual.

I've done this before with people and in some cases I'll know about their sexuality long before they're ready to come out.

It's happened so many times to me that there's no way it can be random.

It's not something you can be taught how to do.

[checkinitout]

I fully understand the situation your in as far as being able to read women as far as whether they are interested in you or not,,, for example ; I had met this woman when she was in a relationship and could'nt express to her that I found her incredibly attractive,,,, I met her by accident on a business venture nearly a year later and she was no longer with that guy and was on her own,,,, Everything about her body language said " I'm yours,,, take me " So I let her know verbally that I really was very interested in the possibility of a relationship with her and I never heard from her again!!!!
I kinda wonder,,, given the fact that you have never been with a woman,,, if you have found what is easy for you (reading men) and knowing the sexual drive of a man,,,, I think your seeking sexual pleasure in the one place you know you can get that sexual satisfaction....
The only way I have ever secured a relationship with a woman is if she was forward and an extravert and she initiated the first moves,,,, the only way I knew she was interested in me is when she held my hand and then looked me in the eyes with an unmistakeable passion in her eyes and then we kissed.... If you have'nt realized it yet,,, I'm an intravert.... So there is hope,,,, one day you will meet the woman that is an extravert and from there it won't take you long to figure out if your hetero, bisexual or gay....

[TaylorMade]

Thanks DiamondDog

Both say I'm predominantly heterosexual.

Maybe you're hetroflexible in the truest sense of the word.

*Taylor*