Advice needed

[nnjbicoupleforplay]

My co-worker who is male, bi and just separted from his girlfriend asked me what he could do from his ex from spreading the word he is bi. I thought that is a tough question because how can you stop someone from talking about you. We are in a small town and he doesn't want to go public with it which i respect but people here will go fanatical when the word goes out. He is well known here and I am quite confused on what to tell him. She is already talking and rumours are everywhere, any advice you can share would be appreciated. I'm not asking him to deny who he is but I also respect the fact he doesn't want to be the talk of the town. Any advice please let me know so I can share it with him, he is very sensitive right now...

nnjbicouple4play

:female: :male: :bipride:

Have you hugged your bi-friend today??

We did!!!

[DiamondDog]

Why doesn't he just be honest and if anyone says anything to him, like to his face, just say how it's the truth?

This way people will see that we're everywhere and that it's not a big deal and that some of their best friends/neighbors are queer.

Yes people will talk but pretty soon they'll move onto talking about someone else and he shouldn't let other people's opinions about himself bother him.

People shouldn't be afraid to come out no matter where they live.

The US is heaven for GLBT rights compared to some countries like Iran, Jamaica, and other carribean countries and middle eastern/asian countries.

Yes you can use the example of Matthew Shepherd but he was a bigoted hate crime victim, and that doesn't happen to everyone that lives in a small rural town.

However, I think it's something of an urban myth that small town life for gay/bi/trans people is miserable.

I've lived in/around various small towns and outside of a large city and in my experience people are more open about being gay/bi/trans in small towns than in/around/near larger cities and it's not that big of a deal to be gay/bi/trans in rural communities, and in some cases it's a lot safer than being out as gay/bi/trans in/near/around a big city.

I've known tons of out bi/gay/trans people in small rural environments and I've talked to them about this and they tell me how it's not a big deal and how people don't care, and how they enjoy living in small rural towns because they wouldn't get this sense of community or saftey when living in/around/near a big city.

[the mage]

Deny it all and blame a pissed off ex lover who was a lousy lay anyway and who he told was a lousy lay in a fight and she is now just spreading nasty rumors to get back at him.

Pull a politican move ,, deny, diffuse, deflect.

[captslaprock]

THE MADGE I LIKE YOUR ANSWER & AGREE WITH THE ADVICE
DON'T KNOW WHY IT WOULDN'T WORK IF SHE'S DOING THE YAKKING

[welickit]

It is a difficult situation for sure. Hiding or trying to hide the fact that you are bisexual is like cheating on a spouse.......sooner or later you get found out. Years ago there was a saying, The only way two people can keep a secret is if one of them is dead. In other words it just isn't possible to keep something a secret. If he ever intends to come out this is the perfect opportunity. If not then he is faced with living a lie and telling lies. Really a bad position to be in. We wish him luck what ever he decides to do.

[absolutely_true]

It's tough. If I were him, I'd be doing just as Mage said. As for getting caught later, well, I'd deal with that when it happens.

He should come out when he's comfortable, not when some ex-wife decides.

As for his position, I'm sure most everyone here can sympathize. Like a bunch of us we're not as confident to come out and let EVERYONE know. Sure we have a few friends here and there who know what we are, but don't blame us for being a little scared of society.

I've already faced rejection because of a similar situation with an ex boyfriend. Rumors got out. And it caused a lot of pain to my family. And at the time it wasn't even true! But the point is he has his reasons to stay hidden right now, just like I have mine, and others have theirs.

Yeah, we're living a lie. But don't start to judge us for that as well...

If you friend wants to come out, give him all the support he needs. And if he doesn't, then be there for him as well.

[domill]

I agree with the mage, but I probably wouldn't be THAT political about it. Because your friend does not want to look as bitter as his ex gf. Denying in a frantic way would look a bit suspicious.

If I were him (and assuming he's not ready to come out yet, or simply does not want to come out because his ex decided it for him), I wouldn't do anything special, and when confronted, just smile sadly and say "well, there's no easy way to break up with someone, is there? But I really wonder why she needs to behave like that".

People do talk, and she'll just look bitter and immature.

btw, I would probably use the same non-conflictual approach with her (the ex).

I think it's all about damage control at the moment. His gf may want to hurt him now, but hopefully it won't last forever.

As for living I lie... well yes, some of us live a lie by not being openly bi, and we all have very different reasons for that. We (on this website) don't judge people's sexuality, why should we start judging people's life choices?

[welickit]

Obviously you made the assumption(s) that we were trying to judge someone or a collective group. We were NOT. We were comparing two very real everyday facts of life. They may not be desirable facts of life but they are nonetheless facts of life. Sorry if anyone took the comparison as a form of judgment.

[Lisa (va)]

Best of luck to your friend.

Though I do not agree with being dishonest, I think the mage's advice would more than likely work as it does seem plausible to bad mouth an ex.

However, I think he needs to make a choice, before he gets confronted as to what his direction will be - deny or admit. I just wouldn't go about defiantly defending myself as that just makes it seem more important than what it is.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[DiamondDog]

It is a difficult situation for sure. Hiding or trying to hide the fact that you are bisexual is like cheating on a spouse.......sooner or later you get found out. Years ago there was a saying, The only way two people can keep a secret is if one of them is dead. In other words it just isn't possible to keep something a secret. If he ever intends to come out this is the perfect opportunity. If not then he is faced with living a lie and telling lies. Really a bad position to be in. We wish him luck what ever he decides to do.

I agree with welickit.

I've been out since I was 15/16 and while I understand that some people can't come out for whatever reason this guy does have the perfect opportunity to be out, and he could just tell people well yes I am so what? Big deal? Lots of people are.

Also if he lies and denies it, it seems like something that will just come back and someday bite him in the ass when he least expects it.

Should he pull a political move and hold a press confrence and say that he's "straight"? Or just flat out lie about his sexuality like many gay/bi politicians do?

[Herbwoman39]

I have always advocated for honesty. Now is THE perfect time for him to come out. Denial is just going to bite him in the ass later. As DD said, your friend should just be honest IF ASKED DIRECTLY. Eventually people will tire of the rumor and move on.

After all, the average American attention span is about one week as far as rumor mongering goes. It will pass. In the mean time he can always come here for support.

[someotherguy]

Your friend should beat her to it by approaching everyone he sees and saying "I am not bisexual!". Then when they talk about him and someone says, hey did you hear so-and-so is bi? They will reply, he can't be, he just told me he wasn't.

Everything you say or do with another person will eventually come to light. So don't do anything or say anything that it would fuck you up if people found out. Or, don't care what people think. Your choice.

[Spicy]

Just like The marge said deny it, and stick to this saying your ex is just trying to get back at you for no reason, not that there is any problem in being bi and have a laugh at it. Finally this will stop when people see that it doesn't bother you.

Spicy

[welickit]

This turned into a really good thread. It shows us who advocates being a liar and who is honest. Lets keep it going.

[Azrael]

Being real from the get go is the only policy as far as I'm concerned. You can put up with a little heartache and difficulty now, or complete motherfuckin' disaster later. Which do you prefer?

[JoyJoyHollywood]

Maybe he doesn't have to deny it. Or confirm it. Maybe it's nobody's business. If a raving lunatic comes up to you in the street and then starts shouting that the end is near, do you stop walking to argue with him? No-you keep walking to your destination, because he might be a nutter. Why does he have to say anything either way? If he has a relationship with the person he's being asked by, if he cares about telling the truth to them he can tell them. But it's really no ones business but his own. You don't have to talk about anything you don't feel comfortable speaking about.

[Lorcan]

What i've learn is this: what people think is a matter of perception. It's not a matter of the truth. But everyone has a slightly different perception. If he totally denies it all there will still be some people who believe it. Everything he does will confirm it in their eyes. There will also be some people who never believe it no matter what....and everything he does will confirm that he's not in their eyes.

Now, leading a double life tends to bring on hypertention and other health problems. So i say side with the truth. But it depends on how much courage your friend has.

[aheatseeker]

if your friend doesnt have any pics or movies or any other proof to worry about his gf actually showing anybody, then he should just deny it twice and then just ignore it. sooner or later it will blow over as long as he just stays strong. he can say that she is just upset about the break up for whatever reason. if there is proof like pics or movies, then he can just ignore her and wait again until things blow over. either way, she is just being a spiteful person and being a bitch and a child and being immature about everything. everything in a relationship should stay in the relationship between the 2 people but seems some like to play the child secret game. he should dump her and move on no matter what and pick and choose his future relationship very carefully.
alan

[Azrael]

if your friend doesnt have any pics or movies or any other proof to worry about his gf actually showing anybody, then he should just deny it twice and then just ignore it. sooner or later it will blow over as long as he just stays strong.
You call sticking your head in the sand "staying strong"?!?!? To me that sounds like hiding.

[biguymass]

Here's my :2cents:

If someone asks him, have him reply "do you think I am?", or "would it make any difference to you if I was?"

Just don't answer the question at all. Answer the question with a question.

Leave it to their imagination.

Not answering the question is not lying, nor is it telling the truth.

It's no one's business except whoever he wants to share it with.

My humble opinion only...........................

[Lorcan]

"would it make any difference to you if I was?"

I like that answer! You don't have to lie AND it forces people to really think... i mean unless you wanna have sex with me, it doesn't really matter. You could cheeky with that and say "why? you wanna kiss? <No> Then it doesn't make any difference to you if I am"

[lv69cpl69]

THE MADGE has it shame we need to be that way. but I can think of a lot of things my wife and I do that she would never like to get out so it isn't just a "bi thing" but then I have not had the fun of my first MM contact. but I think madge still has if if not wanting the world to know (like us) hey a mad X will say about anything. :male:

[bityme]

I would modify the approach The Madge suggests.

How about just saying: "You know, during a bitter break-up some people have a tendency to say hurtful things about the other. If she were correct it would certainly solve the Saturday night date problem, wouldn't it?"

Not a denial, not a lie, but it would give others the opportunity to express their opinion so that he could gauge their reaction if he did finally decide to be open about his desires.

[curious44]

Another vote for The Mage Solution. And while you're at it throw mud in her direction too. Pretty soon there's so much bullshit flying people don't know what to believe. It'll serve the bitch right for not keeping her big mouth shut. In a perfect world it would be nice to be out and accepted but it's not a perfect world and, as the lawyers say, "as a practical matter", that's not always the best solution, especially in a small town where one is well known.
One more thing, next time go play in the next county or wherever they don't know you. As the saying goes,"don't shit where you eat".

Holy Cow, I just realized this thread is almost 2 years old! Oh well, maybe it'll help the next guy.

[longtimemarriedguy]

Great dialog here. I agree with Bityme. Your friend may also find that this "rumor" may bring new friends that are open understanding and sympathize with the situation, both men and women. This may actually end up being a good thing. If his next girl - or boyfriend - knows going in he may not have to dance around the issue.

[Vikkster230]

Lmao and falling off the chair Bit... I think that it's a more dignified way to answer it... Since the original post is almost 2 years ago, I'm kinda wondering what happened and if all is right with the world?

[bityme]

Vikkster, that is a good one. The thread was up on the front page and I didn't pay any attention to the date of the original post. ROFLMAO

It would be nice to find out how he handled it though. Hell, since it was a real conservative, small town, he may have been tarred, feathered, and run out on a rail by now. LOL

I'll try to remember to check the dates in the future.

[paddington]

I'm married,had never been unfaithful before untill i had a affair with my then thought best friend. she's very manipulative,things came to a head and i ended it. Hell Have No Fury Like A Woman Scorned!!!!! she has done and said all sorts of things,nuciance calls,sending disguised mail,emails,blackmail,following,threatening suicide,and continues to tell the most awful lies and half truths- leaving out bits so that it doesn't paint the whole picture.

i'm still with my husband,she continues to make life very difficult.i've left all the social things i had to try and cut ties.

she keeps leaving messages for me saying she loves & misses me,wants me back,she is trying to draw me to her. but, i've found out she is teling her neighbours etc that I'M pursuing her!! the messages are bait.

it's hard to understand how evil someone you thought you loved could be. at the time i was with her i felt i loved her so much. i've had a lucky escape!
she has "outed" me.i've felt so confused about my sexuality,i always thought,or perhaps told myself i was straight. having to cope with all of the chaos she is causing as well as my own feelings& questions to myself AND deal with my marriage being in bits has been one of the hardest times i've ever experienced.

gossip WILL settle,BUT, if you have a very angry ex they can keep it going for a long time, we've had 18 mths of it so far. yes,it is true people will tire eventually and avoid the person.

I do not want to go around trying to put the record straight and she is such a big liar she has had people drawn in,just as she has me at times, by her crocodile tears

I would say you need someone,professional to talk to,we go to relate,i also ring London Lesbian and Gay switchboard if i need to talk. no one has the right to "out" anyone. i still feel very vunerable,this support does help.

My husband works with a gay bloke. He was telling my hubby about comming out,someone came up and said,"Hey Mike, i've heard you're queer,hahaha",
Mike very quietly replied,"why are you asking? do you want my number?"
the guy backed right off. made me laugh,great way of handling it.

It's all too easy for us to judge others. i hope my experiences have taught me to be more compassionate even if i don't understand.