hiding it

[dessam_us]

my gf knows i am interested in men, but not that i played once before. when i bring up my curiosity she gets upset and says she does not like it when i bring it up, cause she does not see me that way. how do i get her to understand?

[rissababynta]

well, you could always tell her that you know she doesn't like talking about it, but you really need to sit down and talk about it anyway. hopefully she will understand enough that it is something strong that you feel that you have to get off of your chest. i mean, that's what g/f's are for. aren't you supposed to be able to tell your other half anything?

in reality though, if she is the type to just not get it, i don't think you can really MAKE her understand. hopefully she will hear what you have to say long enough to get where you are coming from atleast.


best of luck to you

[dans94]

You're in a very tough spot. If you are unable to communicate your feelings with her, and still stay with her, you will be living a lie. If you keep pressing the issue you could cause the relationship to end. I've lived the lie and it's not fun nor healthy.

If possible, have a talk with her about sexuality/sensuality in general. Let her know your feelings on everything that's sexually appealing to you and listen to her input. Try to be honest with her and if you are not compatible sexually, don't let the relationship get too serious. Believe me, you do not want to spend your whole life with a person who is not on the same page as you sexually, monetarily, or philosophically. The best of luck to you both.

[Skater Boy]

You're in a very tough spot. If you are unable to communicate your feelings with her, and still stay with her, you will be living a lie. If you keep pressing the issue you could cause the relationship to end. I've lived the lie and it's not fun nor healthy.

If possible, have a talk with her about sexuality/sensuality in general. Let her know your feelings on everything that's sexually appealing to you and listen to her input. Try to be honest with her and if you are not compatible sexually, don't let the relationship get too serious. Believe me, you do not want to spend your whole life with a person who is not on the same page as you sexually, monetarily, or philosophically. The best of luck to you both.

I agree... at least with the fact that she needs to start listening to how you really feel. otherwise she's not really going out with YOU, but rather someone else who she likes to BELIEVE is "you". besides, whats the point of going out with someone if you don't really want to know what they're like? I'm guessing (from her attitude/behaviour) that your relationship is not a serious one. if thats the case, do whatever you feel like doing. But if at any stage the relationship starts getting more serious, then I'd sit her down and make her listen. Even if that means ending the relationship. Better now than in 10 years time when you've got a house and kids to worry about.

HTH... :2cents:

[Mrs.F]

I agree with what others have said above. First off, if she knows of your desires but wishes you not to talk about them, then she's making YOU ignore your true self. Secondly, if she can't handle you talking about it, then she's probably not ever going to understand....and as rissababy said, you can't make her understand. She either loves all of you or none of you....not 1/2 of you. It is much better to make sure this is what you want before you marry and have kids!

I can't say that I was overly excited to hear about my husband and his desires....but I love him and that is a part of him. I chose to listen, to learn to understand and since then we have become closer then ever. You have to atleast make the effort...if you can't do that...then you have nothing.

[dessam_us]

Thanks for the comments. we are in a serious relationship, and i do believe in monogomy so that is why i dont push the issue so much. however its not that i am dying to play, i did it before we ever were a couple. i just want to be able to discuss with her when i have a dream , or mybe someday pop in a porn and she can encourage the fact that it turns me on. i guess ill keep workin on her.

[domill]

The way I see it (in a simplified way):
She probably feels threatened and helpless, because at the end of the day, she doesn't have a penis, and is afraid she can't give you what you want (or what she supposes you want). She got together with a perfectly "normal guy" ie straight, and now the guy she thought she knew is talking about dodgy sexual stuff. It's therefore better not to talk about it, because in a way it will make the problem disappear; if she doesn't know how else she can deal with this issue, well, why should you talk about the issue at all?

Note I'm not judging or being sarcastic. I'm just making assumptions.

I truly think it must be a rather difficult situation for her, especially if you've been together for a long time.

I can think of three reasons why your gf may be freaking out at the moment
1) she's afraid you're going to cheat on her with a guy
2) she's afraid you're going to ask her to have a threesome with another guy (cf "dodgy sexual stuff" above)
3) she's afraid you will leave her for another woman who will accept 1) and/or 2)

Have you made it clear with her that:
- one can be bisexual AND have a monogamous relationship. You haven't cheated on her for X years, and there is no reason why this should change
- you're not going to ask her to have a 3some. That you don't want to talk about bisexuality to make her feel comfortable with the idea and later introduce her to your new pal Roberto. But that you want to discuss it with her because being bisexual is a big part of your life, and so is she (yeah, I know it sounds a bit cheesy)

I took me a long time to accept myself as bisexual, even if I always thought there was nothing morally wrong with being attracted to men and women. I had to spend a lot of time reading and interacting with other people on this website.
So I don't think there's anything surprising or wrong with your girlfriend being confused about what you want/expect. That's for you to tell her.

[Mrs.F]

The way I see it (in a simplified way):
She probably feels threatened and helpless, because at the end of the day, she doesn't have a penis, and is afraid she can't give you what you want (or what she supposes you want). She got together with a perfectly "normal guy" ie straight, and now the guy she thought she knew is talking about dodgy sexual stuff. It's therefore better not to talk about it, because in a way it will make the problem disappear; if she doesn't know how else she can deal with this issue, well, why should you talk about the issue at all?

Note I'm not judging or being sarcastic. I'm just making assumptions.

I truly think it must be a rather difficult situation for her, especially if you've been together for a long time.

I can think of three reasons why your gf may be freaking out at the moment
1) she's afraid you're going to cheat on her with a guy
2) she's afraid you're going to ask her to have a threesome with another guy (cf "dodgy sexual stuff" above)
3) she's afraid you will leave her for another woman who will accept 1) and/or 2)

Have you made it clear with her that:
- one can be bisexual AND have a monogamous relationship. You haven't cheated on her for X years, and there is no reason why this should change
- you're not going to ask her to have a 3some. That you don't want to talk about bisexuality to make her feel comfortable with the idea and later introduce her to your new pal Roberto. But that you want to discuss it with her because being bisexual is a big part of your life, and so is she (yeah, I know it sounds a bit cheesy)

I took me a long time to accept myself as bisexual, even if I always thought there was nothing morally wrong with being attracted to men and women. I had to spend a lot of time reading and interacting with other people on this website.
So I don't think there's anything surprising or wrong with your girlfriend being confused about what you want/expect. That's for you to tell her.

Excellent post......nailed it right on the head!!!

That is probably exactly how she feels.....because I felt the same way. I really had this fear that I was not ENOUGH for my husband. That I could in NO way make him fully happy because I didn't have a penis and that is what he wanted. He even told me that he didn't need to go out and find a man, that he was totally happy with me and only me. But in my mind....I didn't get that. It's fear. It's not understanding. This is why talking to her is the only thing that will make HER and YOU feel better. Even though not talking about it seems good to her right now, it's not going to make it go away. Communication is the only thing that will help her.

I joined this site to help ME understand and it did. I understand now what my husband feels and I know now that he will not leave me for another woman who is bi or another man. Good luck to you... :grouphug:

[dessam_us]

thanks for the replies