Hurt and Rejected by a Couple

[leizy]

So, with my wife's (general and complicated) permission, I went on a hike with a gay couple. One of the two guys is a very close friend, and we've been talking off and on for several months about a threesome. Unfortunately, his husband was very interested in the fantasy, but frightened by the reality. However, we had a great hike, lots of neat conversation, mostly between me and the other partner (not my primary friend). After a while, we sat to rest in the shade, and my friend started playing with his husband, I sat next to them, and they both started playing with me. Long story short (although one of the guys was not short at all!) we ended up masturbating each other, in a very erotic way. Everything was cool afterwards, and when we separated, we all hugged and felt pretty good. I didn't hear anything from them for about two weeks, even though I sent an email saying I enjoyed the afternoon and looked forward to spending more time with them. Finally, after leaving a voicemail for my friend, saying I was concerned I hadn't heard from them, I got a pretty cold email from my friend, but signed from both of them, saying they'd decided "it wasn't for them" and they wished me luck "in finding what I'm looking for..." I haven't heard from my friend since.

Even though the letter didn't say so, I found myself thinking maybe I had done something wrong. I know, intellectually, this really probably didn't have anything to do with me, but with their relationship, but still - OUCH!

Have others had similar experiences? Contact with a couple they think is great, and then a rejection? Other threads, and I, have talked about how hard it is as a couple to find a good threesome partner, and here I am, on the other side of that surprisingly sharp-edged coin...

cheers.
david

[ghytifrdnr]

I'd say you're right, it's about their relationship, not you. My experience has been that fitting together multiple relationships is a really tough act. (The divorce rate tells us that maintaining a single relationship is tough.) But I'm sustained by the belief that if it can be done, the rewards will make the effort all worthwhile. :) Keep on keepin' on!

[JoyJoyHollywood]

Well, I haven't had that experiance with a couple, but I know exactly what it's like to be in that position. I was with a girl once, very beautiful, just my type-perfect. The sweetest little Goth girl you've ever seen. We were both about seventeen.

We made love one night and it was dreamlike. Falling into her was like falling into a creampuff. I know for a fact that she had never felt so fulfilled, and it drove me wild. And she was beautiful, she responded to me just like an angel.

But then the sun rose the next morning. And she was no longer responding like an angel. In fact she completely withdrew from me. We (by this of course I mean she) decided that we should never repeat that night.

But this is the hard part. We ran in the same circles and came into contact frequently. And she would look at me with that special look a person has when they desire you.

Eventually she told me that she wanted me, that it was me she was thinking of when she was with her boyfriend, me she was thinking of when she was playing with herself. But she wouldn't act on it.

But she would dangle me under her boyfriend's nose to turn him on and make him jealous.

The creampuff was slapped out of my mouth with that and a hard nylabone was shoved in.

But she still felt so perfect to my hands. In fact, I can still remember what she felt like to this very day and it drives me up the wall like a squirrel on crack.

[chook]

It sounds like to me that your two friends are not in the everlasting stable relationship that they think they're in because if they were you should not have been classed as a threat and it also seems to me that the only way they could eliminate that threat was to cut off the friendship with you. My advice would be to keep on looking and put that pair behind you because the one you thought was a real friend really wasn't...........just my :2cents: .......Good luck in your future ventures.


Cheers Chook :bigrin:

[arana]

Well you don't cut off a perfectly good friendship just because you don't want to have sex so someone felt threatened and/or jealous by you. I'm sorry you were hurt by it but at least you know it wasn't you.

[DiamondDog]

I've never been hurt and rejected by a couple after having sex with both of them at the same time.

I'm close friends and I stay in contact with all of the people/couples I've had 3 way sex with.

That's just how it is.

I get to know people well as friends and hang out/talk with them a lot before having a 3 way with them or even considering the idea.

I also tell them that we're friends before having sex together and that we're going to stay friends afterwards and that's how it works out.

I get to know both people, find out if they've done this sort of thing before, ask them if they get tested (also talk about sexual history, sexual practises, drug use, safer sex practises, etc.), I ask them how their relationship is and how they feel about having 3 way sex in general (not just with me), and I get to know them as friends too or we go on dates.

I also ask them what they usually do during 3 way sex like if one man is a voyuer only, or I'll say how I don't do anal sex at all, or how I do enjoy bondage/SM but it's not required at all, or how just because I may happen to look like a vanilla sex top that you'd see in porn, a Sir/Master in the BDSM world, or I can sometimes get "boyish" or even rather dominant during sex it doesn't mean that I am any of these things or that I'd necessarily even want to take on these roles or do these things with these people.

I'll ask them how the deal with jealousy or we'll talk about things and we do have an agreement (I even have this with people who I have 1 on 1 sex with) that if we are having sex and someone does something that someone else doesn't want to do or doesn't like, or they just suggest it you just say no and it stops or it won't happen or continue.

Also, I don't just do sporadic 3 ways with complete strangers or couples/people who approach me at a bar, who I don't know at all, or who I do happen to know very casually from the bar scene who suddenly just approach me and invite me home when they've never even told me that they have an open relationship or that they want 3 way sex with me.

I don't like pushy people in general and I have had couples act that way towards me or even fight over me, or just pop the question to me out of nowhere when I don't even know them at all.

One couple asked me on new year's eve when I'd made other plans ahead of time with friends I hadn't seen in almost half a year and these guys did know me very casually from the bar scene and in the two and a half years I went to that bar and lived in that town, never once did they tell me that they were interested in me for 3 way sex or that they even had an open relationship. Those guys turned out to be assholes though and they gossip about their "friends" behind their backs.

Also, I don't like people who fetishize me and treat me like a sex object, or who think that just because I am talking to them or that I think that they're cute/handsome that it means that I automatically want sex with them and that I will have sex with them.

Were they freaked out because you are married to a woman?

Or were they not even into the idea of having 3 way sex at all, but then it just sort of happened and opened up a pandora's box of having an open relationship when they'd prefer to have a closed/exclusive/monogamous one without having outside partners?

Was this the first time any of you had 3 way sex, not together, but in general? If so that could explain a lot of things and why they reacted the way that they did.

[dafydd]

I've never been hurt and rejected by a couple after having sex with both of them at the same time.

I'm close friends and I stay in contact with all of the people/couples I've had 3 way sex with.

That's just how it is.

Good on you. But is that truly practical? I guess I'm assuming you had a lot of couple 3 ways...

I think these guys were just horny after a long hike and staring at your cute ass, and they wanted a bit of fun, and then it was over and so long and thanks for all the fish (brit ref.) etc.
Move on. They seem like wankers. literally.

[DiamondDog]

Good on you. But is that truly practical? I guess I'm assuming you had a lot of couple 3 ways...

I think these guys were just horny after a long hike and staring at your cute ass, and they wanted a bit of fun, and then it was over and so long and thanks for all the fish (brit ref.) etc.
Move on. They seem like wankers. literally.

Actually yes it is practical.

As humans we do what works for us, and what I wrote works for me and all of the people I've had 3 way sex with.

The first couple I had a 3 way with we had this agreement and we did what I wrote about (which is what they did as a couple) and everyone was fine with it and that's even how they did 3 ways with other men. I'm still good friends with both men today even though they are no longer together. :( Also, I know other gay couples who do the exact same thing I wrote about when they have 3 ways.

I should add that these are gay men/gay couples who I'm talking about.

I'm not talking about bisexual swingers, bisexual married men and women who are in an open relationship, or "party" bisexuals (on a side note I find it interesting that the media and others call them "party" bisexuals since if they knew what "party" meant in gay slang I doubt that they'd call them that!), I have no interest in swingers, people in a commited/married relationship who just want to use others who will never really feel a part of that relationship, or "party" bisexuals or people who only want sex and just to use you like those people are mostly like.

Also while I'm open to the idea of open relationships/non-monogamy (this isn't to say that I can't be monogamous or in a closed/exclusive relationship because I can), I don't call myself poly/"polyamorous" since it's all rather silly to me, there's nothing revolutionary or new about it (gay men and heterosexuals have been having open relationships for decades and neither of them act like some bisexuals with open relationships do), and it's self defeating IMO.

I'm not into 1 night stands or casual sex with anonymous strangers who I don't know at all but I've written about why I'm not that into them, and even if I do have one I like to connect with the man or woman on a lot more levels (yes this is entirely possible) than just sexual attraction or the "OMG we're both so hot for each other let's just go off to your car and have sex!" theory.

Not to say that I haven't had them or that I'll NEVER have one again but for the most part I prefer being friends, dating, or having a relationship with a person/people before having sex with them.

Also I find 1 night stands to be a comedy of errors or a situational comedy that's rather overrated, and I only really had ONE 1 night stand that was actually really hot and wasn't all that awkward, even if we weren't all that sexually compatible but he knew what I wanted and worked it! ;) fyi-it was role play, cock worship, putting me into a boyish/submissive state (this has absolutely nothing to do with chickenhawk shit, age play, incest fantasies, or pedastry. It has to do with having someone in a role of trust getting someone to be playful with boyish charm and affection.<g>) mutual spanking, mutual j/o, rubbing around, massage, body contact, nipple play, adoring a man's hairy body and handsome chiseled face, making out, and hot exploratory sex between two hot studs! ;)

[spartca]

Yeah dating couples can be dicey, especially if they are early in the coming-out process.

I met a guy on here recently, had a short coffee date. Then I met his wife, she joined me and another gf of mine at a concert while he was out of town. They are both sweet, smart, and sexy, so I was really stoked to be getting to know them.

But then they kept canceling dates on me because they were too busy partying elsewhere to keep their dates with me, and also I think they got cold feet about bringing me home when their housemates (also her parents) were home.

So needless to say, I'm a little bummed. What's up with that? Damn new-age trustafarians. :(

[dafydd]

Yeah dating couples can be dicey, especially if they are early in the coming-out process.

I met a guy on here recently, had a short coffee date. Then I met his wife, she joined me and another gf of mine at a concert while he was out of town. They are both sweet, smart, and sexy, so I was really stoked to be getting to know them.

But then they kept canceling dates on me because they were too busy partying elsewhere to keep their dates with me, and also I think they got cold feet about bringing me home when their housemates (also her parents) were home.

So needless to say, I'm a little bummed. What's up with that? Damn new-age trustafarians. :(

maybe they just didn't fancy you?
or as one guy put to me last week..."no tingle, no romance...look I just don't fancy you okay"
are they crazY?

d

[spartca]

maybe they just didn't fancy you?
or as one guy put to me last week..."no tingle, no romance...look I just don't fancy you okay"
are they crazY?

d

Actually I got the impression more that I didn't offer a convenient, zipless fuck whenever their parents were out of town ROFL. I took them at face value and was offering what they purportedly wanted: a "serious relationship." Silly me.

[BI-FREE]

Sometimes it isn't good to read too much into something you don't know.

[spartca]

You're right - all I really know is that they keep canceling on me. While it's tempting to think this has something to do with me, perhaps they just can't get their act together. All I really know is that it's not really working for me, so I should probably just cut my losses and move on.

[ghytifrdnr]

Yes, move on.

[DiamondDog]

Yeah dating couples can be dicey, especially if they are early in the coming-out process.

I met a guy on here recently, had a short coffee date. Then I met his wife, she joined me and another gf of mine at a concert while he was out of town. They are both sweet, smart, and sexy, so I was really stoked to be getting to know them.

But then they kept canceling dates on me because they were too busy partying elsewhere to keep their dates with me, and also I think they got cold feet about bringing me home when their housemates (also her parents) were home.

So needless to say, I'm a little bummed. What's up with that? Damn new-age trustafarians. :(

why not go after male/female couples your own age?
Ever been with a male/male gay couple? Or is that not your thing?

I took this 25 year old "gay" guy out on a random blind date earlier this month and he turned out to be a liar.

We had met since he found my blog/live journal and IM'd me from there and he did invite me to go out with him for tea/coffee and I said OK since we did chat and he did seem stable there anyway.

He told me he was 100% vanilla and didn't even use sex toys and then later when I got home he IM'd me and said how he wanted to tie me up and how he is dominant for both bondage and SM, and how he's "gay" but how he wants more sex with women and wants to do bondage with women and how the women on the TV show the L word turn him on. I just said how I know lots of men who aren't gay but they use the label as a politcal one.

On our date (if you can call it that) he also kept asking me sexual questions about myself so I did answer them and then he said, "you talk about nothing but sex. Let's go back to my place and fuck, or I could just blow you."

I didn't wind up doing anything with him and I said no thanks, said something about how I'm not into sex with random strangers who I don't know especially not giving oral and how I don't do anal sex, and just went home.

Once I got home he IM'd me and joked about something really fucked up and then said how I talked about nothing but sex. He'd invite me out on more dates and just to hang out and I'd say no.

He did raise some red flags with me, seems really sketchy, and I got annoyed that he did lie but at least I discovered that sooner rather than later.

Also he claimed that he could live with a roommate in a major east coast city and pay for utilities/rent/food/etc. by working in a pet store and by tutoring Italian via phone and email. I didn't buy that.

Don't worry I'm not going to have sex or do anything with him. I sure as hell wouldn't let him tie me up, and he wouldn't even make a good friend so I don't keep in contact with him.

Finally he got a clue when I stopped replying to his tiresome IMs that were like "damnit I'm in the mood to suck some cock!" (to that one I said, "good luck. I don't want to have sex with you.") or "hey sexy! Let's make out!" or he'd just IM me (without me replying) and say how badly he wanted to show me his cock and how next time we hung out he was going to show it to me and I once did reply saying, what if I don't want to see it, or what if I laugh? I told him how I didn't want to have sex with him and one day last week he IM'd me asking if we're still on speaking terms and I said no and he asked "not even as friends?" and I said well no we're not compatible. Then he went on to saying how he felt the EXACT same way! (obviously he didn't if he had to ask and kept IMing me).

Anyway I'm glad that he's out of my life since he sounds disturbed.

I'm also on a bondage site and this one guy there had messaged me and I wrote back just saying hi or something.

He found my profile on another predominantly gay dating/sex site and IM'd me from there since it had my name on AIM on there.

Anyway he asked me about myself and asked me the usual questions (top or bottom?) and he didn't get it when I said how I don't do anal sex and how "versatile" wouldn't be a label that I'd even use, or how while I do like doing erotic SM I don't like to necessarily combine it with sex but how I like to combine bondage without discipline with sex.

He asked me if I'd only date a guy that's not into anal sex like me and I said well yeah I wouldn't want a relationship or even date a hardcore Top or bottom. I have friends that are hardcore/power bottoms and I could never imagine being in a relationship with them since I'm not into anal sex and I see it as two men just improvising heterosexual sex with each other.

Anyway he asked me stuff about myself almost to the point of interrogating me and I got annoyed and said well how about you for a lot of his questions and he wouldn't answer.

Then he asked if we should meet since we're somehow "compatible" and I said no thanks and he got a bit annoyed/taken back and said how we should meet and I said sorry I don't want to meet you or be friends with you, good bye!

[spartca]

why not go after male/female couples your own age?
Ever been with a male/male gay couple? Or is that not your thing?


I do have a range that I usually shoot for in age - from about 10 years younger than me to about 10 years older. This couple was on the younger end of that range, but they are both professionals, so I imagined that we would be compatible. I've also dated older couples too. And couples even closer to my own age.

Oh, and the coming-out process can happen at any age really.

And yes, I've been with male/male couples too, I love that. I'm really quite open to the possibilities in life :)

[biwords]

Sometimes it isn't good to read too much into something you don't know.

Bingo.

No reason to think you were in any way responsible for the rejection. As for the friend turning cold, most people have a pocket of craziness or simple insecurity in them somewhere. The last thing you want to do is to blame yourself for it.

[leizy]

Thanks for all the support. I appreciate knowing that others have seen this, and been on the other side of this coin. Let this be a lesson to those of us in couples, looking for threesome partners that we need to be as sensitive, respectful and considerate to those folks as we would be to any other person we might actually be dating...

cheers all.