Struggling...

[zeroSum]

i'm a bi guy in a rather interesting situation... here's my story, perhaps I can get some good feedback from you.

i'm 29 and have known that i was bisexual since i was a teenager, but i wasn't out to anyone for a few years... i joined the military when I was 19, and that actually provided the opportunity for me to come out (at least to my close friends). i was in the military for 7 years, only coming out to those i was close to. obviously, being in the military, i couldn't come out publicly and be and act bi (whatever than means)... i met my now-wife while i was in. that was 6 years ago. at the time, she was a very very conservative evangelical christian type for whom any orientation other than hetero was sinful. so, i had to play the hetero role in the military and to my wife. my wife has now gone through a long process of de-programming and is now comfortable (in concept, at least) with other-than-hetero orientations (we're actually attending the episcopal church right now... you know, the one with the openly-gay bishop in new hampshire and many out priests, our parish church actually has a strong and thrivng LGBT group)...

my struggle is this: i've been married to my wife for 5 wonderful years. i love her and my 2 beautiful daughters. i have yet to come out to my wife (my daughters are too young to understand the whole business). i desperately want to, i want to be honest with her about who i am completely, but i've played this role for so long already with her.

here's my question: how do i come out to her and let her know that i'm still committed to her and our relationship and have no intention to leave or see anyone else? is there any easy way to do this?

[biwords]

Here's my question: how do i come out to her and let her know that i'm still committed to her and our relationship and have no intention to leave or see anyone else? is there any easy way to do this?

Question: Since you've no intention of seeing anyone else, why is it necessary to come out to her? This might impose a burden on her without really changing anything.

There's no stress-free way of coming out to a spouse, but the spouse's reaction will obviously be critical in determining whether you will feel relieved or anguished after the fact. So.......how well do you think you know her?

[Skater Boy]

Question: Since you've no intention of seeing anyone else, why is it necessary to come out to her? This might impose a burden on her without really changing anything.

IMO, which is JUST MY opinion... you SHOULD'VE told your wife EARLIER. IF you really love her, that is, and I assume thats why you married her. To me, love and marriage are all about honesty and knowing eachother well enough to say "Yes, I TOTALLY LOVE him/her". But it would seem that your wife DOESN'T really know you as intimately as she could, and that worries me. IMO honesty is the FOUNDATION of love and marriage, and in reality, you have NOT been completely honest with her. or at very least have been "economical with the truth". In most situations, (eg. "should I tell the guys at work?") I would say "don't worry about it". But when you're talking about someone you actually love, and enough so to MARRY, then, well... what else haven't you told her? Because that question would go through my head if I were her. Sorry... just my honest opinion... no flaming please, but marriage is something sacred to me (in a way that transcends even religion).

Biwords is right though... there is no "easy" way to do it. Its a question of whether you want to be honest with your family or not. being honest MAY cause some problems, but it all depends on how they react, and you know them better than us. Ofcourse, if you feel that your sexuality is really "none of your wife's business", or that a few skeletons in the closet are easy enough to live with, then don't tell them. again, if you think it will DESTROY your family unit and have effects WORSE than not telling them, then again, keep quiet. the LAST thing you want to do is have your wife file for a divorce and 2 kids growing up within a broken home. If you think that would happen, I'd just keep it to myself. But if you think your family will be fairly open-minded and accepting, then honest is always the best policy.

HTH... :2cents:

[tink1978]

I have to agree with Skater boy. Only tell if you think it will enhance your relationship.

Tink

[the mage]

Your post implies that you've play with men in the past.
Your yearning and the asking of the question implies your wanting tacit approval to play again...IF I'm right.... You probably will lose everything you hold dear if you come out now. You will be back pedaling to cover a long standing lie.
Think hard on this.....

If I'm wrong ....you can gently see your womans reaction to same sex play by being honest and talk to her, it seems it will be a long over due chat.

[JoyJoyHollywood]

Maybe you should test the waters before you decide whether to dive in or not. This is going to sound really juvenile, but maybe you could leave a copy of Brokeback Mountain around , watch it together, try and feel out how she reacts to it. Tell her that you read an article somewhere about a man who came out to his wife and she was still with him, ask her what she would do...something like that. Try and see how she might feel about the concept of loving a man who also sometimes loves men before you explain whats going on.

[leizy]

There's no easy way to do it, but I agree that if you feel you're being dishonest, you should find a way to come out to her. Anticipate that it will be hard for her, that she'll get scared, fearful that you'll leave her, that you're actually gay, not bi, that your whole marriage has been a lie, that you've been unfaithful, etc. All normal feelings and thoughts. Reassure her of your love, constantly. Constantly. Reassure her of your attraction to her and passion for her. Don't "set her up," by doing something like introducing her to a gay or bi man, and getting her reaction and then saying ""I'm bisexual too." You're setting yourself up as well, and she'll resent your manipulation of her in that way...

It's not just about dishonesty with her, but yourself. For years you've ignored and denied and rejected a part of yourself. That's crazy-making and often unhealthy. Not dealing with that will eventually damage your marriage much more effectively than might happen if you come out to her now.

Be warned, her conservative values are likely to resurface, for a while - in times of stress, people revert to past areas of safety and security.

good luck.
david