How do you FEEL?

[dafydd]

I was intrigued by all the varying responses to the femme/butch question. I asked it primarily because I fluctuate myself between the two. My real interest in my bisexual question is who do I become when I am with a man as opposed to being with a women? I experience a noticeable different side of myself with both sexes. I am not the same person. Has this got something to do with feeling more butch with a girl, feeling more like a man...is this the reason i like girls. I guess I feel like a man with another guy, it's just somehow being with a girl makes me feel more butch. I like that feeling, but I also like the feeling of being with a guy, which is not so submissive but more...even-handed, centered?

The question is...do you experience different aspects of yourself with either a girl or a guy? :) :)

D :male:

[dans94]

For me, it's not so much a gender function as much as it is a dom/sub factor. With either sex I tend to act the opposite of my partner. If they are dominant I usually act more subservient and vice-versa. This is all because I look at sex as fun and role playing is a big part of it.

[Skater Boy]

For me, it's not so much a gender function as much as it is a dom/sub factor. With either sex I tend to act the opposite of my partner. If they are dominant I usually act more subservient and vice-versa. This is all because I look at sex as fun and role playing is a big part of it.

I agree, same for me. Although the "role play" can sometimes mean acting out a gender role too. But much is dom/sub, and yes, I feel more "dominant" with (most) women.

[DiamondDog]

Personally no, I don't feel different.

I'm the same person no matter who I'm with and no matter what their gender is, if they have one.

Our personal relationship/chemistry comes into play but that isn't a factor that's related to their gender.

I may get dominant/submissive or in switch mode when I do erotic/non erotic BDSM with people; but again this has to do with our personal chemistry, what we both want/what roles we want to play, and what the BDSM activity is rather than anyone's gender.

I see my sexuality and myself as a whole person I don't see either in a dichotomy.

I do know that some bisexuals are this way in that lots of bi men will talk about how with women they feel love/romance but with men all they feel/want is lust and sex.

It's not this way for me as I can fall in love and have sex with both genders but I get infatuated more and fall in love with men in general, and a man's body isn't as foreign/alien/unfamiliar to me as a woman's body is.

[TaylorMade]

It's basically the same as the OP- -

With men, I'm usually more submissive. I want him to take, I'm willing to give. But sometimes, I'm the one taking and he's giving me everything he's got.

With women, I'm more aggressive, but not dominant. If she is showing interest, I'm VERY ready to take the next step and make the sexual encounter happen.

*Taylor*

[dafydd]

It's not this way for me as I can fall in love and have sex with both genders but I get infatuated more and fall in love with men in general, and a man's body isn't as foreign/alien/unfamiliar to me as a woman's body is.

Yes totally understand about knowing a man's body. But I think it's the fact that men and women's bodies are so different that turns me on. When you're with the woman, you fill that male space because you're the only male there. When you're with a guy the male energy comes from a different place.
And at this point, I could not fall *in* love with a woman, even though I love them.

D :)

[DiamondDog]

Yes totally understand about knowing a man's body. But I think it's the fact that men and women's bodies are so different that turns me on. When you're with the woman, you fill that male space because you're the only male there. When you're with a guy the male energy comes from a different place.
And at this point, I could not fall *in* love with a woman, even though I love them.

D :)

It's been 5, almost 6 years since I've had sex with a woman.

I don't really seek out sex/relationships with women.

I'm not saying that I don't want sex with a woman or that I'm not into them sexually but I'll either go through periods where I'm totally equal and I want sex with both a man and a woman or I'm so into men that I don't want a woman at all and I find women icky, or I'll find the idea of sex with a woman to be alien or a woman's body to be that way too. In general I don't really find sex with women while it's enjoyable, to be the best thing ever like my hetero male friends describe it or like bi men who lean towards women describe it as being.

I've found that guys know what guys want and that a man's mouth and hands can please me a lot better than any woman can when it comes to sex.

I've had sex with men where it was like I was tripping or dreaming but I was sober/awake. It was very powerful and amazing, and there was no anal sex involved at all.

I can't say that it's been this way when I've had sex with women. Anyway when it comes to having sex with women I'm not into fucking a vagina I'm more into giving a woman oral sex, masturbating her, kissing, and I would fist a woman.

I'll admit I'm probably more sexual when it comes to women but that's how I am. I'm not saying that I can't fall in love with a woman but the idea of being in a relationship with a woman (like the typical monogamous heterosexual relationship) makes me feel trapped and I'd be depressed and either leave her for a guy, end it, or cheat if I was forced to.

That's interesting that you wrote about the idea of wanting to be alone with a woman and filling the male energy since you're the only one there.

I would like to have a Male/male/female 3 way with another guy where we both fuck a woman though.

Personally I NEED other male energy when I'm with a woman, even if it's just another guy watching.

I have had sex with men and had feminine energy (from them) but this was from one hot queer guy who did have the perfect balance of masculine and feminine energy.

I do however happen to feel more in balance or whatever when I have both masculine and feminine energy in my life or when I fantasise about having sex with both a man and a woman at the same time, even if it is being a personal fluffer for a man while he fucks a woman, or it is having sex with a man that is married/partnered to a woman and having her watch us (or sometimes catch us in fantasy) and knowing that I am pleasing a man better than she ever can with her hands/mouth/vagina, with my hands and mouth.

I do cycle between being perfectly equal to where I want/crave sex with both a man and a woman at the same time and I'll wind up thinking/fantasizing about that even if I don't want to.

Or else I'll be so into men that I don't want any sex at all with women, I find them to be icky, and I'm not turned on by a woman. During this period I wonder if I'm "gay" but I know I'm probably not based on my past attractions and how there is a part of me that is sexually attracted to women.

Then I'll go back to being equal like I described above.

I'm probably more into men but I don't worry about such things.

[dafydd]

Or else I'll be so into men that I don't want any sex at all with women, I find them to be icky, and I'm not turned on by a woman. During this period I wonder if I'm "gay" but I know I'm probably not based on my past attractions and how there is a part of me that is sexually attracted to women.

Then I'll go back to being equal like I described above.

I'm probably more into men but I don't worry about such things.

DiamondDog that is such a great reply, that I think I might work with it. This leads me onto another thought...and something that is nagging at me...am I just holding onto the idea of sex with women because of the little straight guy who is a lost cause in my head? That would make more sense.... if I were just coming out as gay, but I've been out for 10 years! and totally proud of it.
So the tricky question is..and I don't want to offend anyone, but I need to work through the possibilities....are there "bi guys" out there who really cannot just come to terms with the fact they are really gay? Has anyone ever used the 'bi' term as a half-way house where you can be gay....but not *that* gay? And are there any Kinsey 4s who finally went all the way to 6?
(Please don't flame me, I know that question might irritate some, but it is only a question and I would like to be educated.) I have no idea what's going on with me..?!

d :bipride:

[Tingly_Tickles]

I feel I'm the same person cuz I'm passive with either no matter what we're
doing doesn't even include sex and I'm passive on it.

I'm a feminine type male in every aspect so therefor it's just normal for me to be
the same with a relationship of any sex.

[DiamondDog]

DiamondDog that is such a great reply, that I think I might work with it. This leads me onto another thought...and something that is nagging at me...am I just holding onto the idea of sex with women because of the little straight guy who is a lost cause in my head? That would make more sense.... if I were just coming out as gay, but I've been out for 10 years! and totally proud of it.
So the tricky question is..and I don't want to offend anyone, but I need to work through the possibilities....are there "bi guys" out there who really cannot just come to terms with the fact they are really gay? Has anyone ever used the 'bi' term as a half-way house where you can be gay....but not *that* gay? And are there any Kinsey 4s who finally went all the way to 6?
(Please don't flame me, I know that question might irritate some, but it is only a question and I would like to be educated.) I have no idea what's going on with me..?!

d :bipride:

I've met people who went from being hetero to bisexual, and I also know people who went from being gay to bisexual.

Yes some guys who really are gay call themselves bisexual, but they just give everyone else, including out gay/bisexual men a bad name with their insecurity, and they just confuse people who aren't bisexual what it's really like to be bisexual.

Here's a link to the Kinsey scale. http://www.kinseyinstitute.org/resources/ak-hhscale.html

It's based on your past sexual experiences/history and I think that once you've had sex or sexual attraction with both genders, based on the 0-6 scale and how the scale is used you could never technically become a full 6 because to be in that category you'd never have had any sex/sexual attraction at all towards anyone of the opposite gender ever.

It's like how someone who is a one on the Kinsey scale (I'm going by the Kinsey scale from the above link not the scale used here on this site) could never go back to being completely heterosexual if they'd tried sex once or were sexually attracted to the same gender.

I actually don't go by the Kinsey scale because I think it's really outdated (it was created during a time when most people didn't know about anything at all other than heterosexuality and vanilla heterosexual sex), rather flat/1 dimensional, and it is too static and doesn't allow for change that much.

I actually once got interested one summer during college looked up the Kinsey report and read the actual scale and a lot of the original report.

I can paste the scale here and I'll do that on another thread. Done in this thread: http://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?p=61921#post61921

Here's another sexual orientation grid that allows for a lot more fluidity and shows how people can change and the ways that someone's attractions change over a lifetime or even a period of a year.

http://www.youthnetsouthampton.org.uk/breakout/kleingrid.php

Honestly I wouldn't worry too much about this stuff. It's not like any of us can change it or our attractions, despite what the born again fundamentalists and certain right wing politicians think with their "ex" gay programs.

I personally have been all over the scale and looking back through childhood and even my teenage years I've been attracted to both genders and I personally never started out as being heterosexual even if society and everyone else told me that I was because most people are simply this way or are born heterosexual and don't want sex with the same gender.

I do happen to probably lean a bit more towards men but I'm attracted to women too and I'll go through periods where I'm very equal and friends joke that I'm very bi because I'll want male/male/female 3 ways then and my sexual dreams reflect this too.

I'll also go through periods where I'm simply not sexually attracted to women even if they are to me, want a 1 night stand, or want to have sex with me.
I'll also have lots of sex dreams about men only and I'll wonder if I'm gay but then I'll go back to being equal or leaning more towards men.

I've been told by people (even other bisexuals) that I'm really a gay man who's decided to experiment with bisexuality.

But most of the people who have told me this (who I don't believe by the way, and I take with a grain of salt since they don't know me better than I do) are either heterosexual or they're more on the heterosexual side of their bisexuality and they don't seem to understand the idea of being romantically attracted to both genders, or even being romantically attracted to the same gender since they're only romantically attracted to the opposite gender, and are fully if not mostly sexually attracted to the opposite gender as well.

Like for example I have one friend that is bi (coincidentally she's not one of the het leaning bi's that tells me I'm really gay) and she tells me how she personally loves women but can't fall in love with a woman and only falls in love with men.

There's more than one way to be bi. You don't have to be sexually attracted equally with both genders, you don't have to do 3 ways/orgies with both genders, and you don't even have to be able to fall in love with both genders.

I know if you've hung around gay men they'll talk about "true" bisexuals (whatever that means) but there are tons of variations in bisexuality and it goes from people who are fine with fantasising about sex with both genders, people who've never had sex with either gender, people who've only had sex with one gender and never with the same gender, and tons of other variations.

I personally don't like gay and heterosexual people deciding what in their opinion makes someone a "true" bisexual when neither of these people are bisexual, so they shouldn't be judging others by their own standard/definition of what it means to be bisexual in their minds.

[cand86]

Kudos for writing some really thought-provoking questions! I know that I certainly do experience what you're talking about. Oddly enough, I like being more masculine with men than I do with women, and for me at least, I think it has to do with my dislike of compulsory heterosexuality and all that. I've never liked being seen as a straight girl, even in my straight relationships- I want them to read as queer, and it's sort of hard to fight that feeling like I'm falling into a role rather than being my individual self. So when I'm with men, I don't like to be that feminine. However, when I'm with a woman, I'm open to being either, and I take a lot more joy in femininity and dressing up. I'm sort of able to relish it, I guess you'd say.

Naturally, on my own, I'm more butch than femme, but probably somewhere on the middle of the scale overall, yet I do feel different sides of myself come out based on what gender I'm with.

[jem_is_bi]

Masculine is associated with aggressive pursuit of goals and domination.
Then, I definitely have a masculine demeanor with both men and women. I like to dominate the act of stimulating their centers of pleasure and mine as well. (Give me control to tease you, please you, and drive your brain and mine over the edge of ecstasy. :bigrin: )

However, I like equal give and take as well and somewhat prefer this for a long-term relationship with either sex.

Although, I really like to fantasize about being totally dominated by one or more sex partners. But, I would hate being totally dominated, if this fantasy ever truly happened. Fantasy domination is great because I am actually in total control, since they are my thoughts. In reality, I like one on one action as described above.

JEM

[innaminka]

I started a thread a few weeks ago on approx the same question.
Yes, I belive I interact differently when I'm with a woman as to when I'm with a man.
Tho the only man for quite a while has been my husband.!

I find that I'm part of a couple when I'm with a man - I set boundaries (not many, blush) and am just me.
I think I'm a little more dominant when I with a woman. I tend to be with women my own age, so we're often very similar. Boundaries DO NOT exist; decorum is nil, but I expect my partner to behave similarly.

I am aware of the Butch/Femme dynamic. I don't think I go there; neither do I move to sub/dom situations, but I am different! A little more agression.