Danielle B
Jun 9, 2007, 11:46 PM
I haven’t posted in a while, and haven’t posted much, but I’ve missed this place and you awesome people a lot. As most of you don’t know because I’m so new and almost never post, I’m an in-the-closet bisexual/M2F transgender. After my separation 2 years ago, I fully appreciated that staying in that closet and trying to present the picture of “normal guy” to the community where I’ve lived most of my life has been an enormous drain on my energy. It’s something that started way back when I was a child, because that’s what I sensed I needed to do in order to survive. I buried those “different” feelings very deeply, and before I knew it I had stayed in this area for over 36 years and built a whole life- a life completely dependent on me keeping those feelings as buried as they were when I was an insecure child. It’s a life that has gotten to feel extremely dull and stale, as one can imagine.
During my separation (which I knew 100% was going to lead to a divorce), I promised myself that after saving some money and getting back on my feet financially, I was going to not only work on accepting myself for who I am, but to do what I’ve wanted to do since I was a teenager- get the heck out of this place where I felt so suffocated. So, next month I am taking a vacation to Arizona and do some job and apartment hunting, and in the fall, I’m taking the plunge. But this is about much more than just leaving for what I see to be greener pastures- it’s about throwing off those self-imposed chains that I’ve bound myself with for all these years. It’s about leaving behind the safe and familiar and taking a chance on something that might be better, or might not. It’s about moving someplace where I don’t know a soul and looking forward to it instead of being terrified by the thought. It’s about giving myself the permission to fully explore my gender and sexuality. It’s about giving myself a chance to build a life, social and otherwise, that I really want, instead of one that I just chanced into. It’s about giving myself permission to just be me.
I am just so enthusiastic and excited about this- and about life- for the first time in I don’t know when, and I just wanted to share. And I wanted to thank this board for just being here- it’s so nice to see that there’s an online “home” for people like me who just don’t want to play nice and follow all the stupid unwritten rules our society imposes on us :)
During my separation (which I knew 100% was going to lead to a divorce), I promised myself that after saving some money and getting back on my feet financially, I was going to not only work on accepting myself for who I am, but to do what I’ve wanted to do since I was a teenager- get the heck out of this place where I felt so suffocated. So, next month I am taking a vacation to Arizona and do some job and apartment hunting, and in the fall, I’m taking the plunge. But this is about much more than just leaving for what I see to be greener pastures- it’s about throwing off those self-imposed chains that I’ve bound myself with for all these years. It’s about leaving behind the safe and familiar and taking a chance on something that might be better, or might not. It’s about moving someplace where I don’t know a soul and looking forward to it instead of being terrified by the thought. It’s about giving myself the permission to fully explore my gender and sexuality. It’s about giving myself a chance to build a life, social and otherwise, that I really want, instead of one that I just chanced into. It’s about giving myself permission to just be me.
I am just so enthusiastic and excited about this- and about life- for the first time in I don’t know when, and I just wanted to share. And I wanted to thank this board for just being here- it’s so nice to see that there’s an online “home” for people like me who just don’t want to play nice and follow all the stupid unwritten rules our society imposes on us :)