Teenagers And Sex

[Herbwoman39]

Here's a "what if" for all you parents of teens out there.
For years I have been battling back and forth in my mind with this issue.
My sons are 17 and 18, both are straight and we have a hard and fast rule of no sex in the house. There is no compromise on this.

What I'm having a mental tug o war with is this: If I only had one child who was bi or gay, would I still be so adamant with him/her about that rule? The big fear at this stage of the game has always been pregnancy but with same sex intimacy that isn't a factor.

What do you think?

Honestly I believe I would tend to be more tolerant of it.

[TaylorMade]

It's probably best if you enforced it all around, to avoid charges of favortism. I could see a situation like that causing resentment.

*Taylor*

[gb11vt18]

As a teenage myself I would have liked it if my parents told me that all they wanted was for me to be safe and make sure that I avoid all of the possible negatives in a teeenagers life when sex is involved. I believe that stoping them from having sex is the wrong approach. This will only lead them to sneek out and then have sex either in a motel or some place else.

Having a rule established is important but the most important thing is me make sure that nothing goes wrong and to avoid this the rules might have to be changed.

[ohbimale]

I remember how my parents were about dating and sex. They would not let my sister or I date as teenagers. It led to me being fairly promiscuous in my twenties. Plus they were even harder on my sister...even after 18.

I think a uniform rule that shows no bias and is enforced fairly (equally) no matter what the teenagers sexual orientation is, is a better way to go. I tend to agree with a previous post that you maybe forcing them to go outside the home for sexual intimacy.

Although you know your children better than anyone else, I think you may want to reconsider your position and allow them to have their lover over for the night, at least once they are 18. :male: :male: :bibounce:

[Solomon]

i believe that there's a great deal of wisdom to be found in teaching the children that sex should be a biased act based on relationships

i do believe that kids are capable of the complexities of sexual relationships long before the school and powers that be suggest, as there's ample evidence of this throughout history, but that's not the issue of today's concerns

being that relationships are all different, there is an authority that accompanies being a parent, and sexual relations within the house of their authority/guidance figures would certainly blur the boundries of that authority, irrespective of pregnancy or disease

children will honor the parents... be it for the good or ill

[spartca]

I had a girlfriend once who was raised in liberal California, and her parents let her boyfriends sleep over while she was growing up. That way she felt totally supported by them and everyone felt that she was safe.

This was very different than my situation being raised Catholic in the midwest, where sex was the ultimate sin, and lots of bad things tended to happen at parties, etc. when we got outside of the control of our parents.

Comparing the two now, I'd have to say that the supportive liberal approach resulted in a child with strong self-esteem and better decisionmaking skills around sex.

[Solomon]

I had a girlfriend once who was raised in liberal California, and her parents let her boyfriends sleep over while she was growing up. That way she felt totally supported by them and everyone felt that she was safe.

This was very different than my situation being raised Catholic in the midwest, where sex was the ultimate sin, and lots of bad things tended to happen at parties, etc. when we got outside of the control of our parents.

Comparing the two now, I'd have to say that the supportive liberal approach resulted in a child with strong self-esteem and better decisionmaking skills around sex.

and yet, you're very open minded with a strong sense of values... so which one of the two of you were motivated to excel more?

[darkeyes]

If me got caught at by me mum or dad howeva much me pops lil brown eyed beauty an howeva progressive they r..an they r.....me wudda copped it badly... they did catch me bro at it 1ce an my God wotta holy row ther wos. Thot me dad wos gonna snuff it on me ther an then by look on is face.. don have kids so prob won arise for me, but wud like 2 think me sufficently responsible to bring mine up to appreciate an respect sex, people and be sufficently responsible 2 know what they are doin. Wether me wud let em have it away under me own roof, I think so yea, so long as they wer responsible an mature enuff 2 handle it. Just glad me won eva find out 2 be able to practice wot me preaches...

[TaylorMade]

I had a girlfriend once who was raised in liberal California, and her parents let her boyfriends sleep over while she was growing up. That way she felt totally supported by them and everyone felt that she was safe.

This was very different than my situation being raised Catholic in the midwest, where sex was the ultimate sin, and lots of bad things tended to happen at parties, etc. when we got outside of the control of our parents.

Comparing the two now, I'd have to say that the supportive liberal approach resulted in a child with strong self-esteem and better decisionmaking skills around sex.

My parents were highly conservative as well. Sex was a "not right now" taboo, kind of a, you'll know when the time and place for THAT is, and it's NOT WHILE YOU'RE IN SCHOOL!

I didn't turn out too bad. Depends on the parent, and maybe because (in my case) one parent while highly religous while the other one was irreligous, I had a bit of "balance".

*Taylor*

[allbimyself]

OK, I'm not a parent so take what I say with that in mind. It may mean that I don't understand certain things about raising kids or it could mean that I have the ability to look at the issue without emotion.

If I had a child that was of the age/maturity for me to be concerned about them engaging in sexual activity, I would much prefer to have them engaging in that activity in my home NOT in a parked car or at some party or out in the woods.

Despite what parents may think about their authority, their child is ultimately the one that decides when they will have sex. Rather than a blanket "NO" which doesn't address the emotional, intellectual and physical forces that the child has to deal with, parents need to sit with their child and discuss all those issues with them. Yeah, it's tough, but it will show them that they can come to you with problems of that nature and have a rational discussion. That alone will likely prevent the kind of sexual scenarios that throw fear into parents.

The issue isn't for them not to have sex before YOU are ready, but for them not to have sex before THEY are ready. You can only guide them in that matter, you can't decide it for them. If you try, it will more than likely cause the opposite.

[Johnny Reb]

My mom had my sisters on the pill. She did not endorse sex but she knew my sisters were likely to do it (they did). My dad never had "the talk" with me, so much of my education about sex came from sex ed. That's real sad and created a lot of sexual confusion for me. Parents don't have to support their children sleeping around, but please don't pretend that they won't. I want my children to feel safe talking to me about sexual issues.

[Herbwoman39]

I'm not sure if I'm being a little dense or if I didn't communicate the question well enough.

Are you all saying that you feel it's okay or safer for your children to have sex in the home regardless of sexual identity? Is this a 'lesser of two evils' situation for you?

Apparently I was raised in a sexually repressed household because I wasn't even allowed to date until I was 16 and there was NO way my parents would have considered letting me have a 'sleepover'. Even as an unmarried adult my parents (my mother especially) frowned on sex in their house.

The original question was would you be more likely to allow same sex intercourse in your home than hetero sex, but so far it seems to not matter either way.

[TaylorMade]

In my household it was framed as a matter of respect for the rules and protecting MY privacy, being that my parents didn't want to walk in on me
in flagrante delicto with some stud from the university.

Now, it's a matter of "if we aren't home, we don't wanna know", but... my room is such a mess, I'd rather be at his place than mine. . .LOL.

*Taylor*

[Fizban]

If you, as a parent, nave made the decision to allow them to have sex in your household, then it shouldn't matter whether it is homosexual or hetersexual. That is just my :2cents:

[csrakate]

As parents, it is our duty to not so much TELL our kids what to do, but to instill in them the ability to make rational and safe decisions for themselves by the time they leave our "nest". That being said, at times we need to impose certain restrictions on them to keep them from making rash and hasty decisions regarding what could be considered life altering situations. Sex is part of life and yes, they will have sex regardless of what we tell them. BUT... would you send your child out in a car without proper instructions? Life is about making choices...good and bad...and life is also about seeking wisdom and listening to advice. Keep the communication open as well as your mind and your child WILL come to you. But..that does NOT mean you need to let them sleep with whoever they wish in your household, same sex or not. It is your house, your rules...and they should abide by them regardless. And as Taylor so wisely said, many times it is a matter of mutual respect!

Just my :2cents:

Hugs,
Kate

[the mage]

By imposing rules you beg them to be broken
Rules do not allow discussion of rational behavior.
Your children will have sex.
You should support SAFE AND SANE BEHAVIOR which at all times includes a safety call with someone who loves them knowing where they play and that they are safe and sober. (enough to know whats happening). Why the hell should that not be YOU?????

As to either sex play, as long as your child is in fact safe, what he or she is doing with who is none of your business untill he or she decides you can be talked to about it sanely.

My life...... my son and I are totally out to each other, have been since he discovered sex. He is a successful 6 figure income guy at age 26 who is still my very good friend and confidant. We safety call for each other when needed, We do not ask .."What'ca DO?"

[csrakate]

My words are my beliefs, plain and simple....I stand by them for ME and for my life and family and I don't expect anyone to necessarily agree. What works for you is up to you and more power to you if it works out well! I mean that sincerely and not as fodder for more debate. I was merely sharing....sorry if it came out as a declaration for all to abide by.

Hugs,
Kate

[Fire Lotus]

I only have one son. He is straight. But if I had two and one was bi or gay, I'd still enforce same rules for both. Sexuality would not have any bearings on this.If anything else, so not to give the appearance of favoritism for one over the other.

[warm heart]

Oh well here goes,

I have two kids my son is sixteen nearly seventeen - he is sexually active with his girlfriend. I have allowed them to sleep over here together but only when my thirteen year old daughter is not here.

My son and his girlfriend are reasonably open with me and I do know that prior to me letting the girlfriend stay over they were still having sex but doing it in the car, at others peoples houses or at parties they were at.

I think by accepting that they are having sex and talking openly about it they are much safer - they have spoken openly about their use of condoms, safe sex, sexual health check up with the doctor etc so at least I feel comfortable that they are safe, well informed and making conscious decisions regarding their choices.

The question regarding bisexual relationships is interesting also - I think some times you just dont know. My son who previously has had mates over to stay, bunk down in his room or even top and tail with him over the years has recently disclosed that he would not at this point define his sexuality as strictly heterosexual....so who knows.

My thirteen year old daughter who over the years has had numerous sleep overs with the girls and her best friend in particular recently came home to tell me that she had a girlfriend.......the outcome of that conversation was an admission that she and her best mate had periodically experimented together during sleep overs.

So as parents in an attempt to avoid heterosexism do we make a blanket rule....no same sex or opposite sex people to share your room or your bed????

I guess I have gone for the more liberal approach - What does work about it is the kids tend to talk freely with me - I am confidant they are safe and making decisions that are well thought thru and discussed with me....

Perhaps this is easier for me as my kids and all their mates know that I teach sexuality as part of my course so often both they and their friends come to me with their issues, fears or confusions.

I guess much of my approach is to ensure that they are well educated, open to their own sexuality, safe and actually thinking things thru before acting on hormones. As a teenager many of my friends were not allowed to have males or females stay over......where it lead for them was many rushed unsafe encounters often where alcohol was a factor....that they later acknowledged they regretted.

Because my parents were fairly open and liberal I found I did not feel the need to rush and made much more conscious choices in a much safer way.

Ok...big blurb on my part......not sure if it helped any Herbwoman.......

Love, light and kisses
Warm :flag3:

[kitten]

A very good question and nice enlightenment from the various answers. As the mother of two young teen girls, I have many questions to ask myself and decisions to make with my husband as to this topic. Thanks for making me think and consider this.

[florian_bi]

We have a hard and fast rule of no sex in the house. The big fear at this stage of the game has always been pregnancy

I can understand the motivation behind this rule, but still it makes no sense to me. They can and probably will -if the desire is there- have sex in some other less safe place. Homosexual play also has the chance of transmitting diseases.

So the best way is to be nonrestrictive but open, so the kids are not resorting to doing something stupid while sneaking away from the parents but rather able to live their sexuality in a responsible way.

[Fresia]

Bump it up!

[elian]

I didn't realize that there was such good advice on these forums..

[charles-smythe]

Here's a "what if" for all you parents of teens out there.
For years I have been battling back and forth in my mind with this issue.
My sons are 17 and 18, both are straight and we have a hard and fast rule of no sex in the house. There is no compromise on this.

What I'm having a mental tug o war with is this: If I only had one child who was bi or gay, would I still be so adamant with him/her about that rule? The big fear at this stage of the game has always been pregnancy but with same sex intimacy that isn't a factor.

What do you think?

Honestly I believe I would tend to be more tolerant of it....when my kid was a tanagers I preferred for him (& is friends) to drink & have girls in my apt...that way I had some control over it...

[darkeyes]

aaahhh.. control the destiny of women.. control the destiny of kids. No freedom for ne but Charlie-boy, eh? U do like ur control freakery... and what sounds 2 me suspiciously like an unhealthy perversion..:eek2:

[charles-smythe]

aaahhh.. control the destiny of women.. control the destiny of kids. No freedom for ne but Charlie-boy, eh? U do like ur control freakery... and what sounds 2 me suspiciously like an unhealthy perversion..:eek2:..since most of the time I was out on a date & not even there...I'm not sure how having half the football team hanging around my apt drinking beer is perversion...my way of controlling the kids was RULES that they had to abide by...rules such as adults were addressed as ma'am & sir...don't touch my damn liqueur...I don't furnish alcohol for teenagers...you drink so much as 1 beer in my apt & you were there for the night...no drinking & driving...there were other rules but those were the 3 main ones...punishment for violating my rules was banishment...no longer for the rest of your life allowed in my apt...since my son was 9 the place everyone wanted to be was at my place...it was the most fun place in town...banishment was the worse punishment a guy could receive...

[pole_smoker]

..since most of the time I was out on a date & not even there...I'm not sure how having half the football team hanging around my apt drinking beer is perversion...my way of controlling the kids was RULES that they had to abide by...rules such as adults were addressed as ma'am & sir...don't touch my damn liqueur...I don't furnish alcohol for teenagers...you drink so much as 1 beer in my apt & you were there for the night...no drinking & driving...there were other rules but those were the 3 main ones...punishment for violating my rules was banishment...no longer for the rest of your life allowed in my apt...since my son was 9 the place everyone wanted to be was at my place...it was the most fun place in town...banishment was the worse punishment a guy could receive...
Those sound like very good rules. Way too many teenagers, and even young adults who are over the legal age to drink wind up driving drunk and kill or hurt themselves and others.

What were your other rules?

[charles-smythe]

Those sound like very good rules. Way too many teenagers, and even young adults who are over the legal age to drink wind up driving drunk and kill or hurt themselves and others.

What were your other rules?...I was stricter on the kids than most of their parents...more than one single mom enlisted my help in disciplining a teenage son that got to big for his birches...