Well, I Told Him

[Remetan]

I finally broke down and told him. Today I told him that I had told J I couldn't see her for a while, because I was definitely feeling things that were not appropriate for me to be feeling. Then I told him that I knew beyond the shadow of the doubt that I have not been happy for a long time. I knew that there were things I definitely felt I needed to experience in my life that I felt I was unable to do because of my relationship with him. And I told him how hard it has been for me not to tell him because he is my best friend. I told him how hard it has been to tell him because he is my partner, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. I also told him that I loved him, so so much.

He held me, and kissed my forehead, and wiped my tears. I asked him what he was thinking, and he said he didn't know yet. He asked if I would allow him to think about it for a while, and I said absolutely.

So, that is where things currently stand. And I await his reaction. Just wanted to tell you that I finally outed myself.

Thoughts?

For history, go herehttp://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3439

[miamiuu]

I dont really understand this train of thought. You can be bi and still be with one person in a monogamous relationship. Human beings are not animals with uncontrollable urges. Are you not happy because of him specifically?

[DiamondDog]

I dont really understand this train of thought. You can be bi and still be with one person in a monogamous relationship. Human beings are not animals with uncontrollable urges. Are you not happy because of him specifically?

Some bisexuals are fine with being monogamous and some feel like it's cutting off their right arm to be monogamous with one gender or both genders.

I fall into the category where the idea of being monogamous with one gender (specifically women) makes me feel trapped and I'd just get depressed and either wind up cheating and leave a woman for a relationship with a man, or I'd just never get that involved with a woman in the first place. I'm also not sure if I could even ever live with a woman either.

I'd be fine having a closed/exclusive relationship with a man though as I prefer relationships with men and just having casual sex/1 night stands with women, even though most women (especially heterosexual women) are into A LOT more high risk sex like bareback vaginal sex, or swallowing semen when giving oral sex, than gay/bi men are and lesbian/bi/queer women are.

This isn't to say that I couldn't have a relationship with a woman but if we did have one it would have to be an open relationship. So I could have sex with men without her there (as I mostly get sexual with gay/bi men and the gay men want absolutely nothing to do with women which I don't hold them at fault for or blame them for being this way, as I sometimes go through periods where I'm totally turned off by women not sexually attracted to them at all even if they are begging for me to have sex with me or throwing themselves at me, and I find the idea of having sex with a woman to be gross; but then I go back to being equal.), and she would have to be VERY femme and kinky and into bondage and SM as much as I am.

I'm into the idea of gender monogamy with a man but not with a woman since to me being in a closed/exclusive relationship with a woman, like the typical closed/exclusive relationship that most women want/desire would feel like cutting off my right arm!

[Solomon]

I finally broke down and told him. Today I told him that I had told J I couldn't see her for a while, because I was definitely feeling things that were not appropriate for me to be feeling. Then I told him that I knew beyond the shadow of the doubt that I have not been happy for a long time. I knew that there were things I definitely felt I needed to experience in my life that I felt I was unable to do because of my relationship with him. And I told him how hard it has been for me not to tell him because he is my best friend. I told him how hard it has been to tell him because he is my partner, and the last thing I wanted to do was hurt him. I also told him that I loved him, so so much.

He held me, and kissed my forehead, and wiped my tears. I asked him what he was thinking, and he said he didn't know yet. He asked if I would allow him to think about it for a while, and I said absolutely.

So, that is where things currently stand. And I await his reaction. Just wanted to tell you that I finally outed myself.

Thoughts?

For history, go herehttp://main.bisexual.com/forum/showthread.php?t=3439

well, i certainly commend you for taking the step towards total honesty, both with him and yourself

Personally, I'd give him a bit of space, but not so much so that he wonders if this is just a passing fancy..... and definately keep letting him see your respect and admiration for him in the meantime :cool:

on approaching him about the subject, it's imperative to keep his ego in mind.... and reaussure him that it's NOT a failing on his part!

might also be helpful to ask if he'd be willing at some point to just listen to how you're feeling about the issue, and maybe offer a sense of helping you to solve a dillema (no sense in him thinking you're saying one thing and you're actually meaning something different, which can and does happen soo quickly between men an women)

and my sincere hopes for the best for you! I'm sure it'll work out fine :cool:

[Remetan]

He came to a decision last night. Or rather, he told me his stance.

What he said was, "I won't share you." He told me that there wasn't much that he could do, other than offer his support to me. Then he told me that I had to figure out what was right for me. I needed to decide if the things I felt were missing in my life were worth ending our relationship over. He said it gently, but there was no room for a compromise.

And so now I have to decide.

I am, of course, an emotional wreck right now. But he has been wonderful. I told him I would need some time to decide. I think he felt that saying that would make me realize that I was risking our relationship. I don't think he realizes how torn up I am.

I want to thank you all for your support through this extremely difficult time in my life. It is truly disconcerting to realize your partner is your best friend, and that he is truly a wonderful person, but that he may in fact not be the one you want to have as your partner.

And because sometimes, trite as it sounds, love just isn't enough. I have a lot of soul searching to do.

[Bluebiyou]

Well, Remetan,
how about an update?
I'm the male of a couple, as bisexual as you. I found years ago that I am not capable of other-than-monogamous relationships, in spite of the fact I crave both sexes. I also have found that by 'limiting' myself to one person/(and therefore gender) my emotional state is settled (monogamy), but my sexual (and emotional) fantasies for the opposite gender of my partner increases.
How has it gone for you?

[shameless agitator]

Congratulations on coming out Remetan. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you as my relationship wasn't very serious when I came out. Just know that we're all here for you if you need moral support.

[stuporman]

I know what you mean. It's even worse when you don't know who you're going to wake up next to the next morning! I mean, sometiems my wife is Gilda Radner, sometimes she is Sheena Easton, sometiems she is a stick in the mud baptist who thinks all gays and lesbians should be gutted like Mussolini, and that classic rock is the Devils Music. Sometimes she is a bi party girl. She is drunk most of the time. I myself have largely moved away from that. When she is "bi", its OK for her, but if I do it, I'm cheating. This is a woman who gave birth to another man's baby while she was married to me. David, the boy, is truly the greatest thing in my life. I know how you feel..at least you're dealing with someone who is relatively rational and not drunk off his ass all the time.
-Roger

[bisexualinsocal]

I know what you mean. It's even worse when you don't know who you're going to wake up next to the next morning! I mean, sometiems my wife is Gilda Radner, sometimes she is Sheena Easton, sometiems she is a stick in the mud baptist who thinks all gays and lesbians should be gutted like Mussolini, and that classic rock is the Devils Music. Sometimes she is a bi party girl. She is drunk most of the time. I myself have largely moved away from that. When she is "bi", its OK for her, but if I do it, I'm cheating. This is a woman who gave birth to another man's baby while she was married to me. David, the boy, is truly the greatest thing in my life. I know how you feel..at least you're dealing with someone who is relatively rational and not drunk off his ass all the time.
-Roger

You need to get the fuck out of there. It's just my opinion, but what you've described is an abusive alcoholic who is also an adulterer.

[lonelygirlintx]

Remetan, I know exactly what you are going through and I hope everything works out for you. I know that it's a tough decision, but I would say no matter how hard it is, just go with your heart. Of course, it will be hard, but life's meant to be hard so we can learn. Wish you the best.

[lonelygirlintx]

You need to get the fuck out of there. It's just my opinion, but what you've described is an abusive alcoholic who is also an adulterer.

I absolutely agree with that, why would someone stay in that situation?