Pulling up stakes?

[JohnnyV]

Hello,

I'm new here. Just found this place by surfing around over the last few days. Here's my situation/question:

I'm a little unusual because my "coming out" process was reverse of everyone else I know. I identified as gay in my teens but gradually realized I liked women by my early 20s. By my mid-20s I was active in dating both men and women and I came to identify myself as bi. Then by my late 20s, when I was already in a loving monogamous relationship, I lost interest in men. Nowadays, I can't even fantasize about men when I masturbate, and it's been a long time since I stopped having sex with men.

Basically, I had to come out as gay, then as bi, then as "almost straight but not quite and not interested in men".

The problem I face is that much of my social community has been the queer world: gays and lesbians, most of whom still think I'm going to be coming out in the opposite direction and will one day announce myself as purely gay (no matter what happens, they keep thinking that is the inevitable end result).

My wife knew that I was bi and even encouraged me to continue indulging my same-sex desires for several years, so there are some tough entanglements still around; namely, men who became accustomed to having sex with me with my wife's approval, and who don't understand that now it's ME that won't have sex with them.

I've thought about it a lot and I'm now at the stage where I want only what I have: one woman, the woman I am married to, and nobody else. Even my wife is oddly having a hard time accepting that I may not be bi at all, maybe I'm straight.

Has anyone else faced anything like this?

My big question is: How do I "pull up stakes" from my gay male contacts? I don't think I can be friends with them without having sex, and I don't want to have sex with them. But they are most of my social life.

Also, can I still call myself bisexual, or will that strike people as hypocritical since I'm living a purely straight life? It's hard for me to give up all ties to queerness since half my life was dominated by the identity of being gay/bi.

What would you guys do in my situation? Does anyone have a similar problem?

J

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello Johnny and welcome to the site!!!
as for as you say pulling "up the stakes" all i can say is try to strees the point to these people that have become accustomed to having you as sex partner, other than that, i dont really know what else to say!
And as for your calling your self bi! i thinks its ok here, there very few (if any) people here that would hassle you
but if you think of your self as straighht, thats ok too!, there are other straight people who come to this site and are quite active too (my wife being one of them) i really think its great that your wife has supported you over the years, and that now you just want her and only her in your life!!~
please feel free to use the forums here for any questions tyou have, and if you need to talk to anyone here, i really encourage you to come to the chat room, its filled with a great group of people, and in between the craziness there, people will take the time to talk to you, and answer any questions you may have!!!!
And agian welcome to the bi sexual site
m.in.heels&hose :)


p.s. if you do find me in the chat room, please dont take my humor at face value! i like to infuse some humor into serious situations, (thats just me)
i have always tried to look at things from the humous side of things, but i can be serious when needed!!!!
thank you for my :2cents:

[mike9753]

Hi JohnnyV:
Sorry I have not been in your shoes. So if you'll like to listen to some advice from someone with no experience with your situation, here goes:

1. You are who you are. Sounds ridiculously simple, but it's not. We, as humans are quite complex. And as we accumulate more experiences, hopefully accompanied with knowledge, we change and evolve. We are more today than we were yesterday and less than what we will be tomorrow. That holds true for our relatives, friends, lovers and acquaintenances.
2. If our social circle of friends cares about us, or if they have an interest in our happiness, they will adapt. They'll adapt in a variety of ways: some will drift away because what you had in common before does not exist or is not as important, or they'll adapt by trying to understand who we are becoming and most of all they will be happy for us.
3. That does not mean that there will not be tension, conflict and misunderstandings. There will be all of that, but they can be overcome. Some smart person once said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger".
4. Your role toward others has changed. You need to clarify that change or at the very least need to acknowledge with them that a change is occuring.
5. Others will be stuck with what they knew of you and your role. You need to look for opportunities (key moments) wherer you can look them in the eye (literally) and say, "That's not what I want anymore".
6. Once you've said what you don't want, you create a vacuum. You need to fill the vacuum with statements of wat you do want, vis-a-vie that individual or group.

You are dealing with change. Change in you and the changes that then need to occur in your social circle. An important element of successful change is lots of direct, unambiguous, clear communication and behaviors that are consistent.

Hope this helps,
Mike

[Ansil III]

Hello Johnny,

I feel your predicament. I have much the same feelings too. Take it one day at a time and enjoy the relationship you have with your wife. Your true friends will understand what you are going through and support you nonetheless.

Ansil III

[JohnnyV]

Ansil 3,

Thank you for your note. It was very supportive. Where in the Caribbean are you? Are you Latin American? My first language is Spanish so I'm curious.

Ciao,
J

PS. Thanks to Mike and Heels as well. :bibounce: