Relationships Advice Required!

[blondebabe]

Hi...I hope that no-one minds me posting here for advice.

Ever since I was 10 (I'm now 18), I have always been attracted to women. I have never once looked in the direction of a man...until now. It was something that I was so sure of; although I had not admitted it to many people, I was nevertheless a self confessed lesbian.

I will go with the flow when I go out as most of my friends have no idea of my sexuality and thus have pulled more men than I have women...but there's absolutely nothing there and I won't let it go further than a pull.

During October last year though, I started to fall for someone who I work with. He is sooo wrong for me in so many ways; he's 28, he has two children, drinks all the time, is a player and he does drugs...and that's just the stuff that I know about.

He started flirting with me and I have to some extent gone along with it, although a lot I have laughed off and I've also been quite shy around him. He also has made comments like 'we could never be together cause your parents would kill us both if you took me home' and suggested he is not good enough for me in terms of money, social background etc...which actually doesn't matter to me one bit.

In December, he ended up getting together with someone else from work who he split up with about a month ago. During this time, he would flirt with me when she wasn't around still but not in front of her. Meanwhile I became really good friends with my manager who was a 39 yr old female...and we ended up in bed together.

As soon as the guy I like split up with his girlfriend he was waving this information in front of me and picked up where he left off in terms of flirting with me all the time. It has meant that one of the other guys there who really likes me gets moody when the 3 of us are working together.

A rumour came out about me and the manager about 3 weeks ago and I kind of confirmed that it was true but that they wouldn't be getting details. That week, I gave the guy I like a lift home after work and we hugged and nearly kissed, but I pulled back cause I didn't want even more rumours going round about me at work.

But then on Friday night last week I gave him a lift again and he went to kiss me and this time I didn't pull away. It went further than kissing, although I didn't go all the way cause we were in my car and there were loads of cars going past...but lets just say, he didn't leave disappointed.

Since then he has told me that he didn't want me to get the wrong idea etc...and that I wouldnt want to be with him anyway cause all his free time he spends with his children and also I wouldnt like the person he was (ie drugs/drink etc). I was like well next time u don't want someone to get the wrong idea, then don't choose someone who has already fallen for you.

But now I'm really confused... because he is still hinting that we will sleep together on my birthday along with me telling him details about what happened between the manager and I.

I really don't know where I stand with him and don't have the experience with men to be able to really work it out.

So...I'm guess I'm asking firstly for advice in terms of this guy - have we got a chance or is he just playing me for what he can get? & secondly, if you have any advice on what I'm going through re: my sexuality.

Thank you
x

[mistymockingbird]

Hon, he's playing you for what he can get. Re-read what you wrote and look at the stuff you said about him. That he is so wrong for you in so many ways. That he's a player and does drugs. That he makes comments about how the two of you could never really be together for whatever reason. Hinting that he's wanting the dirty details of your encounter with your manager. Look at his behavior. Just, as you say, "the stuff you know about".

He's telling you, without saying it directly, that if you sleep with him it will be nothing more than just sex. He's saying and doing these things so that after the fact he can bail and say, "but baby, I told you we could never work. You know how I am." He's probably also hoping to get off on the details of your encounter with your manager, or to keep you as a possibility for a mff.

IMO, it just comes down to a choice for you. How badly do you want to sleep with him? Hell, he could be a great fuck. But that's all it will be. He's obviously not the type interested in pursuing a relationship of any kind. So if you're ok with that, if you're ok with being a conquest of his, or making him a conquest of yours (depending on perspective), then by all means do it. But if you're hoping for something where feelings and needs matter, he's not your guy.

And just a general piece of advice, be careful about dating/fucking so openly in the workplace. It can come back and bite you down the road.

As for the sexuality thing, I think most people here will agree that sexuality can be awfully fluid sometimes. I know I certainly go through phases where I'm more drawn to one sex. Don't worry or obsess about that so much and just go with what works for you. :2cents:

[biwords]

I agree with Misty, and would only add: with so many guys in the world, why would the first one you fall for be someone who is a player, drinks, does drugs, etc.? You've said what's wrong with him; what's right with him? In my somewhat jaded experience, young women in this situation have essentially three answers: (1) he's cute so the rest doesn't matter, (2) I like bad boys, they're so masculine, and/or (3) he's a bird with a broken wing and I think I can heal him. (1) is OK if all you want is no-strings-attached sex. But in general, I'm skeptical that liaisons pursued on the basis of these reasons lead to much satisfaction, except maybe in the moment.

[blondebabe]

I honestly don't know what made me fall for him. For the first year-ish that I worked there, I didn't really notice him...except when he would make lewd comments like 'get your tits out' (yes, even more reason to stay away really). Then we went to this party and I was completely drunk...ended up dancing with him. After that, everyone teased me about fancying him etc which I didn't at the time... but following on from that we were really flirty with each other. I don't know when it happened, but suddenly I realised I'd actually fallen for him...and I've changed so much since then.

It sounds stupid, I know...and when I write it down then I can tell that I'm being played. But yet, sometimes I really don't care. I just want to get him out of my system now because I know we'll never be in a relationship - question is, would sleeping with him achieve this or simply make it worse!?

Luckily it is only a part time job, so apart from the reference I may need at the end of it (and the managers all love me cause they obviously dont hear all the gossip) then I am ok...

Thanks for your advice...anything that anyone can say to help is much appreciated, soooo confused atm!

[biwords]

My two cents? Sleeping with him won't get him out of your system, it'll get you in deeper. And since you yourself haven't been able to identify any real positives in him, why would you invite that?