Living a lie

[jeff64]

I just wanted to firstly say hello and thank you for your ongoing discussions and insight into me. I'm 43 and have lived a double life for much of those years, primarily driven by my bisexuality. There has been enormous amounts of fear and shame surrounding my attraction and experiences with other men. I had the education, career,wife and kids ect, with no intention of allowing anyone to discover my big lie. I masked a lot of my fear with alcohol and drugs, but eventually they became more of an obsession than my sexuality. Eventually the walls came tumbling down and I lost everything that meant anything to me. The Salvation Army rescued me from the gates of hell and loved me back to life via a 12 month intensive rehab.
To cut a long story short, I've been clean and sober now for nearly 5 years. I've off-loaded much of the emotional baggage and have found freedom from much of my anxiety. The only unresolved issue now is my sexuality....I'm still living a lie. Although I have much acceptance of myself, I still can't allow family and friends to know the truth. I have 2 young sons (6 & 12), so I worry of the consequences for them. I'm laughing when I read what I just wrote, as it seems irrational and rediculous to fear the consequences of honesty. I guess the other big one is fear of rejection...but those people probably wouldn't be worth knowing anyway...hehehe.
Why I'm really writing is because deep down I want to be open and honest with the people that I love. My hope is that someone out there has fealt and experienced the fears that I'm feeling and experiencing.
If you got this far, thanks for reading and enjoy the moments in your day

[flexuality]

Well, I must admit, I have been no stranger to irrational fears!

I've dealt with a lot of them, but I almost always found that if it seemed to be irrational, then it was usually something other than what it appeared to be that was causing the fear.

For me, the first step was to just let the fear be there....even if it seemed ridiculas and irrational....and then ask myself things like "what would happen if I did _______ and why would that bother me?" Then once I aswered that question, I would ask "why would THAT bother me?"....etc, etc....for every answer I came up with.

It's a method from a book by David D Burns called "Feeling Good"....it's suprising how well it works. It starts to uncover what is REALLY going on with that fear.

I do have a question tho.....is it important for family members and friends to know that you're bisexual? In my own case (and my husband's as well) I decided that I really had no desire to discuss my sexuality with them.

Personally, I don't see it as lying by not "coming out"....I see it as a responsible decision that I made for me. (not everyone's decision will be the same as mine, but for myself that's how I choose to be)

I am unclear as to whether you are still married.....I think it would be different to not tell one's spouse. In my mind, that would be not completely honest.

It has been so much better for Solomon and me now that we're honest with each other about that. :)

[JohnnyV]

First off, I should tell you that I admire your strength and courage in sharing your personal struggles with us. Feel good about yourself, even proud, that you have been able to get this far. You sound like you've been through a lot and you need to be nice to yourself, because you've been fairly self-critical for a long time.

Second, I should tell you that "living a lie" makes your past sound much more criminal and sinful than you need to paint it. It took a while for you to discover yourself, and now you are sharing what you discovered with people who have things in common with you. You don't have to dismiss or vilify your past experiences as "false," "evil" or any other damnable adjective.

Stay strong, and I am rooting for you.

Love,
J

[madcat73]

I'm on the same line of JohnnyV and flexuality...

Don't even think you're "living a lie": you're just living your own sexuality... that's only your business, no one should know "the truth", if you don't want to share it with them.
Anyway... very few people near me know that I'm bi... the only 2 males I had sex with. But that's not a problem for me: I don't feel like a liar only because I don't tell my friends and relatives about my bisexuality... Who knows how many "secrets" have people around me, that I can't even imagine...
By the way... call it "secret", not "lie". ;)

[biwords]

I think it's a good thing to maintain one's privacy, most of the time. Is it possible that the Oprah-ization of the culture (or, if you prefer, the therapeutic culture) has encouraged people to think that it's better, or even mandatory, to reveal personal information about oneself? I agree with the others here, that you've nothing to be ashamed of. But it's also true that 'spilling one's guts is about as attractive as it sounds'. Even telling one's friends and family isn't necessarily a good thing - might be, might not be -- there's no one answer.

[skiflydive]

I don't think, in 55 years, I've ever heard straight people discussing their sexuality with friends (other than guy talk) or family members and I wonder why bi people feel compelled to do so. When was the last time you ever heard someone discussing their behind the bedroom door activities with their parents? ("Hey Mom - last night I was ___ with ___ and you know she was just going crazy every time I ____ her and blah blah blah.") I don't think that's happening folks. It's your business and there's really no reason for anyone else to know. The guy(s) you hang out with are your buddies - there's no reason for anyone to know the fellatio part of it...LOL. For strictly gay people the points would likely be different but for bi people...who needs to know?

[12voltman59]

I agree with many of the views expressed here---I don't think you have been "living a lie" as you put it. You have been trying to understand the nature of your sexuality and in that--I am in the same place. I have a clearer picture of things now myself---

As far as this notion that we somehow have to go on top of the highest building in our neighborhood, putting up a mega-sound system and announcing to our world that "I am bisexual"---I don't agree with that at all--if someone wants to --that is fine for them--more power to them---Idon't think it necessary and no one can presume to tell others how to conduct their lives....

I don't have any intention of doing that---I will only choose to reveal this to those, as we used to say in the military regarding classified information--it will be revealed "to those with a need to know."

I do hope that things go better for you and that you will sort things out in your life.

All the best to you....

[happyjoe68]

I'm on the same line of JohnnyV and flexuality...

Don't even think you're "living a lie": you're just living your own sexuality... that's only your business, no one should know "the truth", if you don't want to share it with them.
Anyway... very few people near me know that I'm bi... the only 2 males I had sex with. But that's not a problem for me: I don't feel like a liar only because I don't tell my friends and relatives about my bisexuality... Who knows how many "secrets" have people around me, that I can't even imagine...
By the way... call it "secret", not "lie". ;)

Hear, hear. We all have secrets that we choose not to reveal, or things we've done we dont broadcast. You're allowed privacy

[julie]

...hey Jeff...

so good to learn how you have turned your life around so completely. not easy(from one who knows).

so you are not out to your family and friends yet, maybe one day you will be but perhaps today is too soon? your sexuality is precious to you and like everyone else says is a private matter.

if, as flex says, you have a partner as well as seeing other folk, then it may be wise to come clean with them for your own peace of mind.... but otherwise i hope you feel less guilty after reading all these affirming responses and know you only have to 'come out' to folk you choose and even then, only if and when you are ready to.

welcome back from the edge Jeff :three:

[jeff64]

Thank you all so much for your positive responses and thoughts. To answer one of your queries, I've been divorced for 4 yrs now and really enjoying the freedom to explore all areas of myself. I guess the biggest difference today is that I'm honest with myself. With regards to family and friends, my sexuality will remain on a needs to no basis....that sits well with me. As far as my children go, they will find out if and when they ask.

Deep down what I crave is a group of friends (apart from you guys of course), with whom I can just be myself without lies, secrets, fear or shame. As you all suggest though, I must be kind to myself and take small steps. I feel like I'm rambling a bit, but it's really nice to externalise this stuff with like-minded people. At the end of the day, it's all good and I believe will only get better. I have a fair bit of peace between my ears, sometimes though I need a check up from the neck up. Thanks again for your input, it's very validating and comforting to know that some people actually give a damn

Enjoy the moments in your day

[The curious teen]

Brother, do not fear scorn or rejection. Belive in what you want, be you, be happy. In otherwords, unless you're willing to stay unhappy and living a double life, say 'fuck you and whatever you have to say about me' and be happy with your choice. Hell, i almost had to start from square one admitting to family and friends my few oppositions, Bi-leaning to gay, zoophiliac, but i still did it and i never felt better. So your best choice is to tell the truth and live happy with your choice. Dont look back, only go forward and let the heavy chains of fear and unhapiness be forever lifted.

[FalconAngel]

As long as you are not deceiving a sexual and romantic partner about your sexuality and activities, then you are not really living a lie.

As far as telling your friends and family, your sexuality is not really their business, and in this decreasingly homophobic (but still very homophobic) world, not telling everyone in your life that you are bi is only a defense mechanism.

Not all of us are out of the closet and not all who are out are out to everyone.

I am out to my wife (since early in our dating), some of my closest friends and a few coworkers that I know well.

For me it is all automatic, but then I have been Bi since childhood, so I have a lifetime of subconscious knowledge and no real acceptance issues. Not all of us are that lucky, though.

[scubaman]

Keep your foot on the rock and stay strong! As Falconangle stated, as long as you are not decieving a sexual or romantic partner you are not living a lie. It is not like AA, when you walk up to a group of people you don't have to say, Hi, my name is _____ and I am bisexual. It is none of their business unless you decide you want to share. Take care!

[Solomon]

hhmm i strongly suspect that that's a big reason why people's number one fear is public speaking..... it's because they actually fear integrity, and blame it on public speaking because that's where a lack of integrity would show the most...

[truelove201]

First off, I should tell you that I admire your strength and courage in sharing your personal struggles with us. Feel good about yourself, even proud, that you have been able to get this far. You sound like you've been through a lot and you need to be nice to yourself, because you've been fairly self-critical for a long time.

Second, I should tell you that "living a lie" makes your past sound much more criminal and sinful than you need to paint it. It took a while for you to discover yourself, and now you are sharing what you discovered with people who have things in common with you. You don't have to dismiss or vilify your past experiences as "false," "evil" or any other damnable adjective.

Stay strong, and I am rooting for you.

Love,
J

:female: you know it's people like you that make this site so wonderful for all of us looking for acceptance and support...thank you, thank you, thank you...

[ohbimale]

First I want to commend you on your journey back from the brink. It took more courage and strength than many people will ever know they have in them.

About the living a lie thing. You are not living a lie by keeping your sex life private. That should be a need to know basis. There are a few select people who I have shared my bisexuality with, and none of them are my parents and sister simply because it is none of their business who I go to bed with and wake up next to in the morning.

Continue to live your life to the fullest, taking one day at a time. There is no point in worrying what others think about you. In the end it is you who has to live with your decisions. So embrace your lover(s) each time you see them, express your appreciation for them, and love each other unconditionally. Most of all Love Your Self Unconditionally and realize that God Loves You And Only Wants What Is Best For You.

May your life be filled with joy and love. :flag2: :male: :male:

[Lorcan]

Take it at your own speed and make that speed a slow one! No matter how many people you come out to, there's still another one.
I do understand what you mean by living a lie. Honesty. You'ld think there would be more of it in this world. The truth will...what...something about setting us free?