My story so far...

[ForbiddenWindow]

Okay, so I'll admit.

I am bicurious, well at least 40/30 I discovered this about three years ago
when I was going through a rough point in my lifetime. Counting the girlfriends
and ex's were deffinitly adding up and I just couldnt figure myself out.

Some time has gone by since my extravaganza and I look back on it only
to realize after talking with one of my best friends (who's totally straight)
and understanding brought it up in a conversation while we were drunk
and in the philosophy mode. I dont know but sometimes I seem to have
more honest conversations when I've had a few beers. From what we
talked about. I suddenly come to realize that my extravaganza was telling
me I was having difficulty accepting myself for who I was as a person
and led me to think that I had no way of working around my inside struggle
with my own sexuality.

I have this daily mental battle with sexual interests, cause its screwing with
the relationship I have now and I've been dating straight for 2 1/2 years
and totally in love.

Then I have my devil inside telling me its not worth it. But my ego eventually
overcomes all this. Hence leading me to being a bit depressed when I cant
even figure myself out.

Basically it wraps up like this;

I've had a few incidences in the past where me and my buddies have
gone to a nude swimming party and I thought my mind wasnt working
right since my guy friends actually turned me on and I was left sitting
there with an unexplainable hard on. This was a hard one for me to get
through...Luckily there were girls there swiming with us so I did find a way
to temporarly diffuse the situation. I went home and I cried that night.

A month later I was so shitfaced drunk, I made out with one of my best
friends and ruined the valued relationship since he found out what had
happened the night before.

Then I've been having strange habbits that have been appearing every so
often that have been making me look feminine, such as eyebrows, skin
shaving and going to gay hairstylists to try and connect. But for now
this leaves me just lost and I'm looking for help trying to figure myself out
right now it seems like I'm loosing.

Please help me if you can,
thx guys.
FW

[3somcouple]

The answer is easier than it seems, be yourself. If your friends can't except you for who you are then they are not your friends. Hate to break it to you but you are attracted to men! that means your not gonna be happy unless your with a man. maybe your bi or gay its up to you. i can't choose it for you, but if both men and women get you going then test the waters, find a couple or something and have a "date" with them. Explore yourself and others and you will find you way. Good luck hunny and i really mean that. After all it took me 5 years to tell my hubby i was bi and it turns out so is he lol!!! :tong:
with love and pride :bibounce:
3somcouple

[Azrael]

Have a seat, dear, I'll put the tea on. One lump or two?
Nowthen, my last two (not to make this about me) relationships were with women. For a long time I was happy with just that. The first one's mom kinda freaked out when she found out I was bi, saying, "he'll leave you for another man". This got inside my head and made me batshit overflowing with self doubt. She ended up cheating on me. Things got really ugly, to keep it to the point, and we split. This was while I was going manic and being really hypersexual. I was installing A/Cs 50 hours a week, going to trade school two nights a week, snorting coke and eating morphine and oxycontin. Eventually I totally lost it and got committed for 6 weeks. I had my reasons for breaking up with her- I couldn't trust her and she made me feel like shit about myself. Also, I was terrified of getting married and never knowing what it was like to love a man. We had an open relationship, with a don't get emotionally attached clause. I didn't get attached, but I messed around enough to know I wanted something deeper than empty sex. As for now- I'm not really sure. I have a girl and a boy I'm really interested in. I'm not sure which one I'm more into. I don't really know what to tell you to do because I'm pretty much in the same place. On top of that I'm becoming fairly alienated from my family. I am however building a burgeoning network of allies, both online and around my town. It really helps to have a person you can pour out your seething frustrations to. For me it takes the form of several of my closest friends, as well as a Psychologist who I respect immensely. I dunno, I love women, but a lot of times it feels like I'm doing the safe thing and hiding out in a hetero costume. I don't have any qualms about myself having homosexual tendencies, but it does give me a tad bit of social anxiety (to the point of constantly wearing steel toes and carrying a blade), from working in a trade, to just barhopping (never been to a gay bar, don't know of any in my area). Have you ever read 'Bi Any Other Name'? That book for me was like finding buried treasure- it not only exposed me to new ideas about human sexuality but helped me make sense of some of the wacky shit in my own head. Find it here: http://www.amazon.com/Bi-Any-Other-Name-Bisexual/dp/1555831745/ref=sr_1_2/104-5080476-2141526?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1180459378&sr=8-2

[ForbiddenWindow]

"Hope and fears all collide into the same delerium."

Just one lump and make it rock hard. lol.

*This conversation is going to get really deep so for those of you who arent
into this kinda stuff feel free to just walk. I appreciate any deep sense of
thought.*

If a man were to loose everything, and gain everything at once - would he
still be himself?

I would think no. My body says yes, but my brain says no. I dont want to
be heartbroken or a heartbroken looser. I dont want to loose family or friends
from what I already have, and the friends I have are very rare since I am
a unique individual. I choose my friends and my friends let me know who I am.

The main problem/ or solution is my mentality. Which I am totaly scared of
its raw power. I might be right or I might be wrong, but I really dont want to
be right. If I am, I already lost my identity of to who I am. And thats what I'm truly scared of.

I'm not a man acceptible to change quickly, when change happens. I'm not
one to "sit down and take it easy" But out of quality, I do listen and
appreciate any advice...

thx again
FW

[DiamondDog]

What's the 40/30 in your original post mean?

[ForbiddenWindow]

my sexual tendencies so far. basically i look at myself as BI curious, but
never really had much experience in the way with guys.

[mtb0509]

I can't say I have the answer for you, but I do feel sort of what you're going through. I haven't had nearly as many relationships with girls or hookups with guys (just 1 ex gf and 0 hookups with a guy). But I am also having trouble figuring myself out. I think I want to fall in love with another guy, and I definitely would like to kiss another guy, but I do not want to have sex with another man. As a matter of fact last weekend I was hanging out at a friend's house with him and another guy and the three of us are all pretty much best friends. One of them I even have an insane crush on and have had for the past year (I can't stop thinking about him and I desperately want to hook up with him or at least tell him I'm bicurious). Anyways, one of them got the idea that we should go swimming naked and tan in the nude. There weren't even any girls there! But anyways the three of us wound up lying around outside and I didn't even get slightly aroused by seeing them naked... and yet I still feel attracted to guys. I'm confused, too. I'm hoping that if I try a hookup with a guy it might bring some clarity to the situation, but who knows.

And with regards to the getting drunk thing, I think you might be more gay than straight. Personally, (and this puzzles me even more) when I'm outrageously drunk, I get straighter and straighter. I think some of my friends suspect I might be even slightly gay, so the sober ones started asking me if I was gay and I kept telling them no with the straightest of faces and in all seriousness (I even remember thinking to myself that if a guy was to attempt to hook up with me that night I'd be extremely angry and would have no part in it).

[DiamondDog]

my sexual tendencies so far. basically i look at myself as BI curious, but
never really had much experience in the way with guys.

Never did anything with guys? Not even as a kid/teenager?

I did but it wasn't rape, forced stuff, or molestation or anything like that. Most of it was masturbating together, pissing together (I love W/S, watersports, even to this day), kissing "accidentally" getting fingered/fingering someone else, or lol "accidentally" grabbing someone's penis in a pool while we were swimming together and I rubbed up close to his hairy legs and his tan body.

When I was a kid my mom caught me naked and masturbating with my "best friend" at the time and she just told me how it's normal and lots of boys do that together. LOL so it wasn't such a surprise when I came out to her.

Don't try to put your attractions into ratios/percents since it's impossible to do, it wouldn't actually solve anything or do anything for you, and it probably will change if you're bisexual.