Axioms of Sexual Intercourse, as Evidenced in Porn

[flexuality]

Axioms of Sexual Intercourse, as Evidenced in Porn


1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When "going down" on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets caught masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream with embarrassment; instead she will insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. All women are noisy cummers; often they will announce when it is happening.

10. People in the 70's couldn't cum unless there was a wild guitar solo in the background.

11. Those tits are real. Period.

12. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt. Spanking is also a turn-on.

13. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

14. If there are two of Men present, they will "high five" each other. (and the girl won't be disgusted!)

15. Double penetration makes women smile.

16. Asian men don't exist.

17. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the boyfriend won't beat you to death if you shove your penis in his girlfriend's mouth.

18. There's never a plot.

19. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite her by giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

20. Nurses tend to suck patients' cocks as an exam method.

21. Men always pull out, and can hold until the money shot.

22. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll only be momentarily pissed off before joining both of you.

23. Women never have headaches... or periods.

24. When a woman is sucking off a man, it's important for him to remind her to "suck it".

25. Anuses are perpetually clean.

26. A man ejaculating on a womans butt is a satisfying result for all parties concerned.

27. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers and find a penis there.

28. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.

29. A Penis joke is an appropriate lead-in to the so-called "nasty".

30. Geeks never have to beg.

[Mrs.F]

:cutelaugh That was good......and very true! :tong:

[Azrael]

3. When "going down" on a woman, 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

Priceless :bigrin:

[Herbwoman39]

18. There's never a plot.

99.9 % of the time that's true. But I did once see a porno with a plot. It was called "The Flea" and was about the machinations of this powerful (and extremely well-endowed) man in the 1700s and everything he did to manipulate and prepare a beautiful young virgin for his bed. It was actually a pretty decent flik.

[hudson9]

...and, in post-2000 (approx.) porn:

Condoms spontaneously appear on the male member durring intercourse, and just as magically dissapear just before the external cum shot.

[chook]

Ahhhhhhh.................Who said its a mans life ;)



Cheers Chook :bigrin:

[happyjoe68]

I'm sure there must be more axioms other there, but things like this always make me laugh

[JohnnyV]

So funny, and so true. The whole thing of the guy keeping one arm on his hip and therefore out of the camera's way is especially kooky to me. Who has sex like that?

J

[scubaman]

20. Nurses tend to suck patients' cocks as an exam method.

I must be going to the wrong hospitals and or doctors office! Where are these nurses??????

[Fizban]

And the men can go forever before they cum. I could only be so lucky!

[Hornycouple8]

Lol,

the common conversation somehow reminds on shakespearian acts, such as Aaaaaaaaah and the man answers ooooohh and yeahhhhh.

The culmination point of conversation is a mingled plot of aaaaaaah, ooooooh and give it to me. Does this mean, they have a real fight concerning to sex? He says: give it to me. But she also cries: give it to me!

So if two people fight for that, they should give it to me, I will find a nice place for that.......

Porno movies are the mirror of the cultural mind of people....

Anja

[fishfry29]

I want to add my .02 worth, but am laughing too much to write....OK the girl always closes her eyes and grimaces when the guy has to jack his 1/2 hard weenie in her face for 5 minutes before cumming.

[FalconAngel]

99.9 % of the time that's true. But I did once see a porno with a plot. It was called "The Flea" and was about the machinations of this powerful (and extremely well-endowed) man in the 1700s and everything he did to manipulate and prepare a beautiful young virgin for his bed. It was actually a pretty decent flik.

And don't forget "Flesh Gordon", a copy of which we happen to have on DVD.

[DiamondDog]

Heh or how about for m2m/gay porns how the man being fucked can take a big cock VERY fast up his stretched out pig hole, and get the shit fucked out of him and not be in any pain at all.

Of course when the man fucking him pulls out it's PERFECTLY clean and there's no Santorum (That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.) at all on his cock! LOL :rolleyes:

[Hopeful Romantic]

Wait... its okay that I DON'T scream everytime that an orgasm overwhelms me?

[JohnnyV]

Heh or how about for m2m/gay porns how the man being fucked can take a big cock VERY fast up his stretched out pig hole, and get the shit fucked out of him and not be in any pain at all.

Of course when the man fucking him pulls out it's PERFECTLY clean and there's no Santorum (That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.) at all on his cock! LOL :rolleyes:

LOL @ Diamond Dog. I feel traumatized by your post, in a good way.

J

[flexuality]

Wait... its okay that I DON'T scream everytime that an orgasm overwhelms me?

LOL!! Not only is it okay to not scream everytime, we don't have to make and ANNOUNCEMENT right before either! :bigrin:

[flexuality]

Santorum (That frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.)

Hehehe....you should write a dictionary! LOL! :tong: (I'm half serious!)

"DiamondDog's Guide to Sexual Terms Most Of Us Have Never Heard Of." :bigrin: :tong: :bigrin:

[Hopeful Romantic]

LOL!! Not only is it okay to not scream everytime, we don't have to make and ANNOUNCEMENT right before either! :bigrin:


Duely noted!!

[Pensive]

30. Geeks never have to beg.

Geek is the new black :bigrin:

At least, I hope so for my sake.

[innaminka]

I once read novel based on the porn industry many years ago.
The plot was so-so, but the technicalities and visual "tricks: were actually detailed, and i suppose they were actually accurate.
*Yoghurt. - great substitute for male cum. And the model won't gag on it either.
*desensitisers - ever wondered how those guys hold on so long?
*"Fluffers" young female wannabees whose intro is to somehow keep the desestitised male organ a little interested between shots.
*glycerine. Widely used in all the phot indiustry as a gloss or water substitute.
*Other bottoms for close up anal. Many models won't do anal. How often do you see the approach followed by the close-up; rent a botty!

And so on. Wheteher all those tricks are still used I don't know. But considering the results, I think so.

[smokey]

The Flea is a classic erotic novel from I believe 19th century France... I could be wrong about the country. I used to have a copy, it was actually very well written.

[Solomon]

I once read novel based on the porn industry many years ago.
The plot was so-so, but the technicalities and visual "tricks: were actually detailed, and i suppose they were actually accurate.
*Yoghurt. - great substitute for male cum. And the model won't gag on it either.
*desensitisers - ever wondered how those guys hold on so long?
*"Fluffers" young female wannabees whose intro is to somehow keep the desestitised male organ a little interested between shots.
*glycerine. Widely used in all the phot indiustry as a gloss or water substitute.
*Other bottoms for close up anal. Many models won't do anal. How often do you see the approach followed by the close-up; rent a botty!

And so on. Wheteher all those tricks are still used I don't know. But considering the results, I think so.

i heard that they also used egg whites or something for cum shots too lol

and that it's absolutely amazing what simple cosmetics will cover up on the camera

no doubt they use 'stunt' actors for the anal probably for cum shots too (for when they run out of eggs, and yogurt of course) lol!

and during the days when they actually tried acting.... it's very little wonder they dropped that like a hot potato! those people just are NOT actors! and the scriptwriters were WORSE lol! :eek:

i'm afraid there is just NOT going to be a Basic Instinct, or Pirates of the Carribean with actual sex scenes anytime soon! let alone bisexual sex scenes! :(

[tallkerri]

yogurt is better than cottage cheese....ewwwww :eek: