Talking about it...

[LoveThree]

As a personal Life Coach, (http://www.Life-BusinessCoaching.com) I have had a number of clients who found that just talking about their bisexuality helped them live a more fulfilled life in every aspect.
Have others found that to be true as well?

[DuskTillDawn]

I think talking about it is the best thing i did. I stopped me worrying so much.

[Azrael]

Talk is critical, at least is has been for me.

[arana]

Talk is always good, especially if you have felt you were all alone and suddenly find out there was a whole world out there just like you.

[happyjoe68]

For me, talking about bisexuality isn't the issue, but talking about life in general and in the specific. All of those who know me in real time on this site know I go to counselling, so I'm not revealing anything new ...

... As my counsellor says "its now in the room, so it cant be held against you"

I've found, though I "knew" deep down in my heart, that it was not bisexuality which impacting on my life, but vice versa. Without going into the long winded details, suffice to say for years I've acted like a sponge and began soaking up all the emotional crap from growing up in a 1 parent family and continued in much the same vein for years through friendships, relationships, university and jobs, without consciously recognising what it was doing to me. For years I saddled myself with a counterfeit sexual morality in an attempt to be like neither my mum (the victim) nor my dad (the perpetrator), without thinking about what I really wanted and needed, only considering what I "thought" I wanted and needed. This has impacted on my sexuality, though not my bisexuality, if you follow my logic ... My head, heart and cock have all been engaged in a war of attrition against each other in the shadows of the subconscious :eek:

So, for all those wondering about going to counselling, go! Does counselling work? Yes. Well, for me anyway. Counselling has now allowed me to let go of the past and the counterfeit sexual morality, though it does try and intrude now and again; the war has stopped and peace has broken out - the head, heart and cock are now just discussing the finer points of a non-aggression pact :bigrin: , but I no longer feel a prisoner in the way that many on this site do and my heart goes out to all those who do ...

[skipper576]

For me being able to talk about something most would condemn me for is important--I need to tell and understand.

[Dayvuh]

depends where the talking is taking place. i think that i will be more fulfilled by actually doing it

[sexyboo]

I Think my problem is finding someone to talk to...I dont really have any "real" friends, Most of the people that were friends have back stabbed me, and for some reason my husband doenst feel like talking to me about anything,
i've gone to 4 "shrinks" but none of them really helped, most of them didnt know how to do there job.
but if i did have someone to talk to, i think it probably would help

[Herbwoman39]

Aside from my husband, who has been invaluable to me in my process, I can't talk to anyone else either. That's why I come here. Finding this place was a huge relief for me. Talking about it here has been a phenomenal help.

[slipperybird]

yeah, just browsing this site made me realize that i am perfectly normal, if rather isolated from like minded people in my daily life.
now my family knows i'm bi, and i'm not shy being so :)

[Tommy2020]

Aside from my husband, who has been invaluable to me in my process, I can't talk to anyone else either. That's why I come here. Finding this place was a huge relief for me. Talking about it here has been a phenomenal help.

Herbwoman has always spoken with the apparent truths that so many of us live with everyday.
I must be totally in the closet in my public life and in my private life in order for my life to work.
There will always be someone out there to disagree with everything that is written here in these and other forums but, the fact remains, that not ALL of us can 'come out' and we must remain in the closet.

Tommy2020

[izzfan]

The thing was, once I got to university - I talked about my sexuality a hell of a lot more than I did before. In some ways, I regret doing this. Being in the closet (about my sexuality as a whole) for about 5 years before this probably wasn't good for me and it probably explains my slight paranoia, secretive nature and the fact that I have a rather negative view of most of my sexuality [surprisingly, the 'straight' side of my sexuality is a lot more messed-up than the 'gay' side of my personality. I mean, my 'gay side' is pretty ordinary and respectable whereas my 'straight side' is riddled with crossdressing, BDSM stuff and paranoia that generally makes me want to stay the hell away from it].

As I was saying, I came out about my bisexuality and [to a lesser extent] my crossdressing at university but now I'm wishing I hadn;t because it has caused a few problems. For a start, my dislike of my straight side has led to me only having male partners at university and generally avoiding female contact - this has led many people to disbelieve me when I say that I am bisexual.

In addition, I feel that I've revealed and exposed too much of myself by even coming out partially. In some ways, I sort of liked the closet as my sexuality was something personal rather than something which is currently semi-public knowledge. Also, although my straight side is a lot more messed-up than my gay side I seem to prefer quite a few aspects of 'straight culture' and coming out could distance me from that and various friends from outside university [who think I'm 100% straight].

As for deep personal thoughts, feelings etc.... I prefer to write about them [and destroy the writing afterwards if it is extremely personal] as it still allows me to talk about them freely but without anyone else listening and possibly judging me/ thinking of me differently because of it.

Izzfan :flag3:

[Pensive]

Surprisingly, the 'straight' side of my sexuality is a lot more messed-up than the 'gay' side of my personality. I mean, my 'gay side' is pretty ordinary and respectable whereas my 'straight side' is riddled with crossdressing, BDSM stuff and paranoia that generally makes me want to stay the hell away from it.
I laughed out loud when I read this. It's so ironic; I love it.

Yeah, I really feel the need to talk about my sexuality with someone (preferrably several someones), but I have sort of the same paranoia you've described about it. Oh well; I think sometime relatively soon I will get up the courage to talk about it with the people who I feel deserve to know.

[happyjoe68]

Herbwoman has always spoken with the apparent truths that so many of us live with everyday.
I must be totally in the closet in my public life and in my private life in order for my life to work.
There will always be someone out there to disagree with everything that is written here in these and other forums but, the fact remains, that not ALL of us can 'come out' and we must remain in the closet.

Tommy2020

The site is quite useful, especially for people like yourselves who are not able to come out fully, or at all. I found it useful in the beginning, though as I've "developed" (if thats the right word), its become less so. Perhaps thats a sign of maturing as a bisexual person, or just finding my own feet per se ... I dont know.

Again, I've found it useful to speak to other bisexual people in real time, though this also, I think, has its limits. Its great to talk to people with the same feelings, urges, etc., but there does come a point where the "sameness" can be a little repetitive after a while since conversation often exclusively focusses upon bisexuality and there is more to life than bisexuality - for me at any rate. I believe I've said it before, but I didnt leave the closet to move into a ghetto.

This isnt to criticise other bisexual people, etc., but sometimes to move forwards, people need to be confronted with the opposite of how they think/feel. For me, being with people who are the same, doesnt inspire/motivate me about my identity 100% of the time. Some of my best and closest friends are bisexual, but there is more to them and to me than bisexuality, and I think its important to be with people who are not bisexual. My counsellor isnt Bi, but explaining it to him actually makes things clearer than to someone who is Bi since I'm forced to think about and explain my feelings, etc., in a much more clearer way than I would be if he was Bi and there was some degree of implicit understanding. People who aren't "in the know" sometimes have this way of asking questions which makes you examine your core beliefs in a way you wouldnt have imagined possible from either within yourself or from another Bi person.

I suppose the best way to describe this "non-Bi experience" is like going to live in a foreign country for a while. You see how the other half live and interact with them, but when you return home you appreciate your own identity more. You have a much clearer understanding of what you want and what you don't want.

Talking works, as does reading philosophy

[izzfan]

I laughed out loud when I read this. It's so ironic; I love it.

Pensive, yeah I guess it is kind of ironic lol. I can't say I ever thought of it as 'ironic' before although I guess it could be described as ironic when I'm more reluctant to come out about my [entire] straight side than my gay side. Yeah, like most things with me, it tends to be ironic, contradictory or just plain strange. lol.

As for the whole paranoia thing, I wish you the best of luck in working up the courage to come out [if you think that it is the best thing to do]. Coming out isn't easy but one possible idea is to drop a few subtle hints about your sexuality beforehand so people either bring the question up themselves [however, make sure that your are prepared to answer it] or it is less of a shock when you do come out.

Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Izzfan :flag3:

[DiamondDog]

I think that talking about it and connecting with others is a good thing but there's only so much that you can do.

There's only so much you can talk about your sexuality before it's like beating a dead horse on the subject and you and everyone else tires of it, including yourself.

Plus it's pointless to obsess over it and everything.

Personally I tire of mental masturbation on subjects constantly, and I'm more into actually doing things and activities than only talking about them.

Nice ad/product placement for your life coach business. ;)

[happyjoe68]

I think that talking about it and connecting with others is a good thing but there's only so much that you can do.

There's only so much you can talk about your sexuality before it's like beating a dead horse on the subject and you and everyone else tires of it, including yourself.

Plus it's pointless to obsess over it and everything.

Personally I tire of mental masturbation on subjects constantly, and I'm more into actually doing things and activities than only talking about them.

True, life is too short. Bisexuality, for all its wonderful nature, is a finite subject.

Mental masturbation? Never heard that it called that before, but I'll remember it for the future :bigrin:

[jgk33]

I found your posts very beneficial to read happyjoe, for that I thank you. I too have a strong sense that there's more to my life than my bisexual identity. I also believe that we need philosophy and spirituality to motivate us to find true happiness, yet I know I've been proven wrong in the past when I thought this was essential for people to find happiness, because it turns out, they can reach it also with wonderful, consistent and prospective relationships too.

My largest problem with my sexuality however is how it reaches within the family unit, particularily my own brother, perhaps the fact that we share the same bedroom having a factor, and my body often reacts to his presence when he is in close proximity, amplifying the sensitivity of my skin, sometimes initiating light-mild blood flow to my penis depending (which occurs quite universally in my reactions to men) and just general triggering of hormones I suppose, and I must bear with this, trying to rechannel my reactions into a more favourable form. I know very well that I love him as a brother, and I will not let these reactions ruin that, however, this kind of perpetual self control training impacts the rest of my day to day reactions to the same sex very profoundly, effectively inhibiting any possibility of me following through with any initial sexual arousals. Anyhow, I've never told anyone about this, I think it's an issue beyond homosexuality, as it is incestual, and this is universally rejected, I reject it too, yet I must live with it and I do so successfully as me and my brother laugh and joke all the time, play sports and just generally have a lot in common, it would just be easier if I didn't have those reactions.

I've never experimented with the same sex yet, however my same sex reactions have emerged over the past 2 and a half years as far more consistent than my heterosexual ones, which have taken a back seat in my life. I have been sexuality inactive for a year and I feel paralyzed in this domain in my life. I think if I befriend outgoing gay or bisexual men, perhaps I can break this cycle. I don't consider myself very consistent with women however and my only relationship with one failed because of my bout with self identity and her inability to help me through my own confusion.

I still lead an active life with my music, martial arts and sports and I enjoy those. When I talk with friends and family, I enjoy myself, and this counteracts the pain of my troubled sexuality. I need to resolve this, and so I need a supportive group that can help me with not just my homosexual reactions, but these incestual ones too.

[happyjoe68]

I found your posts very beneficial to read happyjoe, for that I thank you. I too have a strong sense that there's more to my life than my bisexual identity. I also believe that we need philosophy and spirituality to motivate us to find true happiness, yet I know I've been proven wrong in the past when I thought this was essential for people to find happiness, because it turns out, they can reach it also with wonderful, consistent and prospective relationships too.

Thank you. Its been useful to get it off my chest - the counselling is kicking in better than I anticipated. As Sherlock Holmes said “Nothing clears up a case so much as stating it to another person”.


My largest problem with my sexuality however is how it reaches within the family unit, particularily my own brother, perhaps the fact that we share the same bedroom having a factor, and my body often reacts to his presence when he is in close proximity, amplifying the sensitivity of my skin, sometimes initiating light-mild blood flow to my penis depending (which occurs quite universally in my reactions to men) and just general triggering of hormones I suppose, and I must bear with this, trying to rechannel my reactions into a more favourable form. I know very well that I love him as a brother, and I will not let these reactions ruin that, however, this kind of perpetual self control training impacts the rest of my day to day reactions to the same sex very profoundly, effectively inhibiting any possibility of me following through with any initial sexual arousals. Anyhow, I've never told anyone about this, I think it's an issue beyond homosexuality, as it is incestual, and this is universally rejected, I reject it too, yet I must live with it and I do so successfully as me and my brother laugh and joke all the time, play sports and just generally have a lot in common, it would just be easier if I didn't have those reactions.

I've never experimented with the same sex yet, however my same sex reactions have emerged over the past 2 and a half years as far more consistent than my heterosexual ones, which have taken a back seat in my life. I have been sexuality inactive for a year and I feel paralyzed in this domain in my life. I think if I befriend outgoing gay or bisexual men, perhaps I can break this cycle. I don't consider myself very consistent with women however and my only relationship with one failed because of my bout with self identity and her inability to help me through my own confusion.

I still lead an active life with my music, martial arts and sports and I enjoy those. When I talk with friends and family, I enjoy myself, and this counteracts the pain of my troubled sexuality. I need to resolve this, and so I need a supportive group that can help me with not just my homosexual reactions, but these incestual ones too.

Nonetheless, I would take these signs as confusion about your sexuality in general. Perhaps you need to think about going to counselling yourself.

Take care and let us know how you get on. The site and the people who post to it are here to help you

[jgk33]

yes, all day I was thinking about the whole idea of counselling in fact, due to what you said about how it put your life back in perspective in order to strive for happiness.

Where can I look for these kinds of counsellors though, do you know any good online resources for information?

[JohnnyV]

Talking is always good, though I found that I've changed in recent years. I used to think communication was the key to finding happy relationships of all kinds. Lately, however, I have had to end some friendships with people who were great at communicating -- but didn't know how or when to end an argument or issue, and move on to other things. It was sad cutting some of those people out of my life, but I found that they wanted to talk about their feelings so much, usually in the context of saying how I "hurt" their feelings unintentionally by doing this or that, that I was constantly trapped in some passive-aggressive unproductive mental war over nothing. Talking about bisexuality is good, but as Diamond Dogg has noted, it has to come in small doses. If you're still stuck on one of the many dead-end bisexual topics, like "nobody accepts me" or "why do I have to choose between gay and straight?", after more than a year of talking about such things, then it's really time to move on. Not because your feelings aren't valid, but rather, because you're going to start repeating yourself and feeling powerless rather than relieved.

Love,
J

[happyjoe68]

Talking is always good, though I found that I've changed in recent years. I used to think communication was the key to finding happy relationships of all kinds. Lately, however, I have had to end some friendships with people who were great at communicating -- but didn't know how or when to end an argument or issue, and move on to other things. It was sad cutting some of those people out of my life, but I found that they wanted to talk about their feelings so much, usually in the context of saying how I "hurt" their feelings unintentionally by doing this or that, that I was constantly trapped in some passive-aggressive unproductive mental war over nothing. Talking about bisexuality is good, but as Diamond Dogg has noted, it has to come in small doses. If you're still stuck on one of the many dead-end bisexual topics, like "nobody accepts me" or "why do I have to choose between gay and straight?", after more than a year of talking about such things, then it's really time to move on. Not because your feelings aren't valid, but rather, because you're going to start repeating yourself and feeling powerless rather than relieved.

Love,
J

Yes, I would agree. There comes a point when you have to stop dragging things around, otherwise they will drag you down. I'm not sure whether I would agree with you when you say "your feelings aren't valid", since sometimes I think that if a situation/something doesnt work after repeated attempts, then life is trying to tell you something - either modify your aspirations (perhaps they are too high) or just move on to something else because what you want(ed) is just wrong for you.

For me, the initial issue wasnt a bisexual one, but was getting a job in academia. It was tough to let go, but it would have been tougher to keep trying and failing. I had to stop and I realised that letting go meant I was actually in control. Counselling has made me realise that this in a much more explicit conscious sense than I could have done by myself and I've now started applying it to my life in a much more rigourous sense.

[JohnnyV]

I'm not sure whether I would agree with you when you say "your feelings aren't valid", since sometimes I think that if a situation/something doesnt work after repeated attempts, then life is trying to tell you something - either modify your aspirations (perhaps they are too high) or just move on to something else because what you want(ed) is just wrong for you.

Hi Happy Joe,

As an academic I totally understand your thoughts on the issue. As a field we tend to cultivate worrying and obsessing and other terrible neuroses. To clarify, I didn't mean that people's feelings aren't valid; I was saying that it's time to move on, *not* because your feelings aren't valid (i.e., I meant that your feelings probably *are* valid), but rather because of other factors.

Lots of love,
J

[happyjoe68]

Hi Happy Joe,

As an academic I totally understand your thoughts on the issue. As a field we tend to cultivate worrying and obsessing and other terrible neuroses. To clarify, I didn't mean that people's feelings aren't valid; I was saying that it's time to move on, *not* because your feelings aren't valid (i.e., I meant that your feelings probably *are* valid), but rather because of other factors.

Lots of love,
J

Err, yes .... I also misphrased what I mean to say. Feelings are valid, its just that sometimes I think (taking my teaching aspirations as an example) too much emphasis can be placed on something, so when its not achieved it leads to more heartache than is perhaps necessary. Thats what happened to me and although I learnt to let go, it was still a struggle. Counselling has allowed me to break lots of bonds sooner and quicker than I did do in the past. Sometimes it feels as if I have a Teflon overcoat on.

Fortunately I've been spared the real rigors of bisexual doubt and angst, though I do sometimes wonder whether bisexuals do over-intellectualise bisexuality a tad too much. The straight community, and perhaps to a lesser extent, the gay community, seem to spend a lot less time dissecting their sexual identity. Dayvuh is right in many ways ...

[12voltman59]

I will say--finding this site was a great thing for me----I really did think I might be going bonkers for a time. I had this huge desire to want to do something with another guy for so long but really did not know what to do with it.

It's not like when you sit down with someone--"hey--I want to try sucking a cock and I'll do yours if you do mine!"

All of the other places on the web that were bisexually themed--as soon as you got into a chat room it was: "hey--I've got a ten inch cock--how big is yours?" and then they want to either cyber, phone, cam or have you drive ten hours to do something---

I am so glad to have found this site in order to get information--talk to people-and I mean really be able to talk to them on this subject---and to realize that your are not alone and crazy at 40 plus to have the desires so strongly--

And then to actually meet some people and get to talk about it in person has been good too.

Thank the heavens for this website--for certain!!!!!!