delylab
Sep 26, 2005, 10:14 PM
i have a had an issue with my sexuality ever since i can remeber becoming a sexual person. When i was 7 years old, i remeber sitting on the bus next to my best friend <female> and just having this incredible overwhelming urge to passionately make out-for a 7yr old this is a shocking concept. I never told anyone this-not even my diary- and just ignored it. Then I aged abit still harboring lingering sexual feelings for this friend. We broke off friendships as children often do and i grew up. At the age of 13-14 i again had strong sexula feeling for women, again attached to a best friend, this time accompanied by intense sexual fantasies and lots of masturbation. I also began to move past the best friend crush and turned toward celebrities, porn stars<jenna jameson i love you!> for another outlet for these sexual desires.
:tongue: Of course i am still a "normal" 14 yr old and have crushes on boys. Though never spent anytime really fantasizing sexually about them. I could see a hot guy but in retrospect relized that they were all femenine in the way the dressed, all had long hair and thin figures, you know the starved artist look. i never have liked a "mans" man.
I became friends with a girl who claimed to be bisexual at age 14. We hung out alot and i still have a huge crush on her to this day. Everyone from middle school knows it except her. we used to massage each other and cuddle but never do ANYTHING more sexual than that, though during the massages i felt like i wanted more. but at 14 what won't turn you on is a shorter list than what does...plus all the pot me smoke together made us both to paranoid to do much else.
but she moved away :( , and i grew up some more. At age 16 i finally had my first sexual intercourse with a boy. I was a victim of rape and still have flashbacks during any given form of sexual contact, masturbation or sex with my current boyfriend. I have never had any healthy relations with men, they are either abusive or users. Or they just ignore the fact they are dating someone. My current boyfriend does care about me but still has a hot temper and no career goals or ambitions except to be a musician. I dated one decent guy in high school later finding out that HE is bisexual. interesting.
but back to me...
I repressed my sexual desires though still fantasize about women, masturbate to porn of women, and NEVER GET with a woman. I grew to the age of legal consent-18. i became a stripper. It was and still is a great job in my eyes. i got to be around decent naked women. Look at lots of naked females, be looked at by females and basically have fun. I do like being the center of attention, and i love to be naked-perfect job plus I LIVE to DRINK! i loved life for that year and a half, but time goes on. i grew up again, my club got shut down and i moved to maryland. i lived in Boonsboro for a while in a sshitty little apartment. i became friends with the girl upstairs. she had 2 kids at the age of 19 and was an open "bisexual" in reality she was a HUGE WHORE. she was an awful person, but she had decent coke, so i snorted alot of her drugs with her
she would always blatantly hit on me-in front of my other friends, in private, in front of my boyfriend. Eventually i think i started to like her for that. the attention was nice and i still hadn't made any friends in the area. i was only 19 and still unable to go to any bars. one night i got way to drunk with her, we kept drinking and drinking, she basically had me pounding shots, never brag about an irish back ground unless you have the liver to back it up. I kept drinking, i went downstairs to my apartment got my boyfriend and one thing led to another, and i was in a :three: threesome. :eek: something happened during it, but since i was wasted i can't remember, i just know that i started crying and not wanting to be there. my boyfriend flipped out started yelling at angie for raping me, and then hit me across my face so hard everything went white. he tried to hug me a few second later but i freaked out and hid behind her couch. i let them yell it out.
i have repressed every sexual urge i have had for females since then. no masturbation at all unless my boyfriend is there. i know in my heart we were all to drunk that night for any good to come.
but the thought and feelings have still been creeping up on me. i fantasize that my bf is another women in bed, but it only lasts up until the part where he penetrates me, then i usually break down and cry -BUT NOT ALL THE TIME- only when i fantasize about him being a chick. sometimes if i do it right i fantasize he is a hot chick wearing a strap on and really enjoy myself. He never knows this. until the other night,
I was very apathetic in bed, i just could not get aroused at all, then he started to massage me, i started to fantasize about how laura would massage me, and i was getting really turned on. he really was doing everything the way laura would, then he wanted to have intercourse like any guy would. i couldn't get into it at all from there. i had to break down and tell him, now he knows everything that who ever reads this knows. he was shocked but not suprised. Everygirl he has ever seriously dated has either gone lesbian or was a bisexual.
I am confused and need someont to talk to that understands because i don't.
Am i a lesbian or bisexual, i never have really thought about it like that. i want feedback please feel free to e-mail me at delyla_blue@yahoo.com or im me at DelylaB @ aim.com :female: :tong:
:tongue: Of course i am still a "normal" 14 yr old and have crushes on boys. Though never spent anytime really fantasizing sexually about them. I could see a hot guy but in retrospect relized that they were all femenine in the way the dressed, all had long hair and thin figures, you know the starved artist look. i never have liked a "mans" man.
I became friends with a girl who claimed to be bisexual at age 14. We hung out alot and i still have a huge crush on her to this day. Everyone from middle school knows it except her. we used to massage each other and cuddle but never do ANYTHING more sexual than that, though during the massages i felt like i wanted more. but at 14 what won't turn you on is a shorter list than what does...plus all the pot me smoke together made us both to paranoid to do much else.
but she moved away :( , and i grew up some more. At age 16 i finally had my first sexual intercourse with a boy. I was a victim of rape and still have flashbacks during any given form of sexual contact, masturbation or sex with my current boyfriend. I have never had any healthy relations with men, they are either abusive or users. Or they just ignore the fact they are dating someone. My current boyfriend does care about me but still has a hot temper and no career goals or ambitions except to be a musician. I dated one decent guy in high school later finding out that HE is bisexual. interesting.
but back to me...
I repressed my sexual desires though still fantasize about women, masturbate to porn of women, and NEVER GET with a woman. I grew to the age of legal consent-18. i became a stripper. It was and still is a great job in my eyes. i got to be around decent naked women. Look at lots of naked females, be looked at by females and basically have fun. I do like being the center of attention, and i love to be naked-perfect job plus I LIVE to DRINK! i loved life for that year and a half, but time goes on. i grew up again, my club got shut down and i moved to maryland. i lived in Boonsboro for a while in a sshitty little apartment. i became friends with the girl upstairs. she had 2 kids at the age of 19 and was an open "bisexual" in reality she was a HUGE WHORE. she was an awful person, but she had decent coke, so i snorted alot of her drugs with her
she would always blatantly hit on me-in front of my other friends, in private, in front of my boyfriend. Eventually i think i started to like her for that. the attention was nice and i still hadn't made any friends in the area. i was only 19 and still unable to go to any bars. one night i got way to drunk with her, we kept drinking and drinking, she basically had me pounding shots, never brag about an irish back ground unless you have the liver to back it up. I kept drinking, i went downstairs to my apartment got my boyfriend and one thing led to another, and i was in a :three: threesome. :eek: something happened during it, but since i was wasted i can't remember, i just know that i started crying and not wanting to be there. my boyfriend flipped out started yelling at angie for raping me, and then hit me across my face so hard everything went white. he tried to hug me a few second later but i freaked out and hid behind her couch. i let them yell it out.
i have repressed every sexual urge i have had for females since then. no masturbation at all unless my boyfriend is there. i know in my heart we were all to drunk that night for any good to come.
but the thought and feelings have still been creeping up on me. i fantasize that my bf is another women in bed, but it only lasts up until the part where he penetrates me, then i usually break down and cry -BUT NOT ALL THE TIME- only when i fantasize about him being a chick. sometimes if i do it right i fantasize he is a hot chick wearing a strap on and really enjoy myself. He never knows this. until the other night,
I was very apathetic in bed, i just could not get aroused at all, then he started to massage me, i started to fantasize about how laura would massage me, and i was getting really turned on. he really was doing everything the way laura would, then he wanted to have intercourse like any guy would. i couldn't get into it at all from there. i had to break down and tell him, now he knows everything that who ever reads this knows. he was shocked but not suprised. Everygirl he has ever seriously dated has either gone lesbian or was a bisexual.
I am confused and need someont to talk to that understands because i don't.
Am i a lesbian or bisexual, i never have really thought about it like that. i want feedback please feel free to e-mail me at delyla_blue@yahoo.com or im me at DelylaB @ aim.com :female: :tong: