My struggle with coming out

[Johnny Reb]

I'll try to keep this short.

I have recently come to terms with the fact that I am a bisexual male. I have know it for years going back to adolescence, but it had never been at the forefront of my identity. Last night I came out to my closest male friend, who I have been friends with for close to ten years (he is straight and I only like him as a friend) He was very supportive and understanding, but today I feel very guilty.

I was raised in a religious home. I have been involved with church for many years. Although I am not an extremely conservative person, I am no bleeding heart either. But my views on sexuality have been formed by the conservative evangelical churches that I have been part of for years. I feel peace at accepting who I am attracted to, both males and females. I would describe myself as having a heterosexual preference, but being more than just incidental in my attractions to other males. I have thought that maybe I can't control who I am attracted to, but I can control if whether I act on those feelings. I have not acted on my attractions to females yet (sex outside of marriage is a sin to religious people), so would it be that hard to not act on my attraction to men?

I am not sexually active due to the influence of the church's teachings. For me coming to grips with being bi is not rooted in what I have done, but what I feel attracted to. I do not feel I can come out to most of my friends and family (conservative religious types), but feel I must do so eventually. I cannot live a lie and let people think I am something that I am not. I accept who I am. I don't see myself as flawed or having some kind of sickness.

I am interested in a relationship with a female, a bisexual female (and she is with me). She is the only person who I have come out to other than my friend. I guess I am here to learn from other people who might be able to understand my thoughts and feelings. I am at peace with who I am, but scared as hell to let most people close to me to know.

[TaylorMade]

Belive me, I've been there...(From what I can tell) I'm younger than you, but I know the really hard struggle between walking away to be sane sexually and staying there for the sake of your soul and realizing that you are just as much Christian as you are bisexual.

I have fought with God and won. I have fought with God and lost.

As to your friends, maybe writing down your feelings is a good place to start. Being that you were raised in the same backround they were, it should be easy to put yourself in their place, try to see how they view the situation.

I'm sure they may probably say the wrong thing (you need help, you're disordered). . .but they're saying it because: 1) They love you 2) That is all they know at this point. They really can't see any other way to think except that there is something wrong with you and they can't think of any other way to help. Keep that in mind as you come out to them.

But sometimes, just sometimes, they may suprise you and be more accepting than you can imagine.

BTW, Welcome.


*Taylor*

[Johnny Reb]

Belive me, I've been there...(From what I can tell) I'm younger than you, but I know the really hard struggle between walking away to be sane sexually and staying there for the sake of your soul and realizing that you are just as much Christian as you are bisexual.

I have fought with God and won. I have fought with God and lost.

As to your friends, maybe writing down your feelings is a good place to start. Being that you were raised in the same backround they were, it should be easy to put yourself in their place, try to see how they view the situation.

I'm sure they may probably say the wrong thing (you need help, you're disordered). . .but they're saying it because: 1) They love you 2) That is all they know at this point. They really can't see any other way to think except that there is something wrong with you and they can't think of any other way to help. Keep that in mind as you come out to them.

But sometimes, just sometimes, they may suprise you and be more accepting than you can imagine.

BTW, Welcome.


*Taylor*

That is helpful. I like to write, because it does help me organize my thoughts and feelings. I guess the reaction I fear most is being "grossed out"...but come to think of it when someone I know came out as gay a couple of years ago, I was not. Then again, I don't see myself as a judgemental person. It does help to try to look at it from others perspectives.

[truelove201]

Having just gone through my husband coming out to me I would offer the opinion that you should come out to those you feel it impacts most. I think talking to others on this site will help you too with how to go about that. Ultimately do it on your own time table. Life is an ongoing journey that you don't have to rush.

[TaylorMade]

That is helpful. I like to write, because it does help me organize my thoughts and feelings. I guess the reaction I fear most is being "grossed out"...but come to think of it when someone I know came out as gay a couple of years ago, I was not. Then again, I don't see myself as a judgemental person. It does help to try to look at it from others perspectives.

Thanks. :) I try... good luck with you and your friends.

*Taylor*

[Herbwoman39]

First of all Johnny, I want to say welcome. As you'll soon find out there are other people here who have been where you are. Coming out to yourself is the hardest part. Once you've found peace with that, the rest will be easier.

It's important to chose carefully the people you come out to. At first it's terrifying so the more receptive the person is, the easier it will be for you to come out.

Even practicing looking in the mirror and saying "I'm bisexual" makes things easier because if you can look yourself in the face and say in with confidence then you'll be more confident when telling others.

[the mage]

You are under no obligation to come out to any one except your lovers.
Live your life as you see fit keeping in mind the irreversibly of the telling.
Take your time and consider the fact that all people gossip. All people.
Reveal when you're strong of will and ready to explore in a social way as well as sexual.

[Johnny Reb]

You are under no obligation to come out to any one except your lovers.
Live your life as you see fit keeping in mind the irreversibly of the telling.
Take your time and consider the fact that all people gossip. All people.
Reveal when you're strong of will and ready to explore in a social way as well as sexual.

Thats very helpful. It helps that my girlfriend did for me first. It make it so much easier when it was my time. She and I are going to be able to mutually support each other. The only reason I shared it with my closest friend was to get advice. He promised to never tell a soul. We'll see, but I would be very surprised if he told anyone. I may never come out to other people, but only the future will show me that.

[canuckotter]

You are under no obligation to come out to any one except your lovers.
Allow me to second that. Personally, I try to be very open and honest and out, but that's me, and my situation is very different from yours. There's nothing wrong or in any way shameful about staying more-or-less in the closet. Depending on the strictness of your faith, you may have to tell the truth if anyone were to ask you directly, as I had to do at one point when my mother asked me directly, but failing to disclose your sexuality to everyone you know is hardly dishonest. After all, do you tell everyone you know how attractive you find all the women you meet? Then why should you tell them how attractive you find men! :)

[Johnny Reb]

Allow me to second that. Personally, I try to be very open and honest and out, but that's me, and my situation is very different from yours. There's nothing wrong or in any way shameful about staying more-or-less in the closet. Depending on the strictness of your faith, you may have to tell the truth if anyone were to ask you directly, as I had to do at one point when my mother asked me directly, but failing to disclose your sexuality to everyone you know is hardly dishonest. After all, do you tell everyone you know how attractive you find all the women you meet? Then why should you tell them how attractive you find men!

Good point. The only reason I come out to my girlfriend was for the sake of our relationship. She was honest enough to let me know, and so I felt I owed it to her.

I discussed it with my friend because I was feeling so many conflicting emotions and did not know what to do. He knows enought about me and my beliefs to understand the conflict inside of me I'm a religious person, and part of a tradition that says anything but heterosexual relations between a man and wife is sinful, and that our sexuality is a "choice". . However, I have known about my bisexuality for a long time. I didn't wake up one morning and say "you know what, I'm feeling adventurous today...I think I'm going to like guys too". On the otherhand, I doubt that there is some kind of bisexual gene in my genetic make up. I had accepted who I am, but was seeking help on how to deal with it in light of my faith.

[Pensive]

Wow, our circumstances are so similar. I too grew up in a fairly religious household (well, it started out less so but in the past five or so years it's gotten staunchly religious) and for a long time I felt exactly as you did - that I couldn't choose who I was attracted to, but I could choose what I did about it. I still believe that's generally true, although with a couple of my crushes it nearly drove me crazy. Also, I am scared as hell to tell anyone too. :(

I've taken kind of a different road, though. I've always been a bit of a free spirit, and after wrestling with my sexuality for years (I seriously wanted it to go away for a while, and I tried everything I could think of to try to change myself), I finally decided that I don't think homosexual activity is wrong. If you want to talk theology sometime, we can get into a deeper discussion of that, but I respect and understand if you don't want to.

I also totally understand how you feel about wanting to be able to come out to others. It kills me that my closest friends don't know this about me. Good luck if you decide to tell your friends and family - I hope they respect you for the courage it takes even if they don't necessarily like what they hear.

[darkeyes]

I am just glad that I have never had the burden of the church and its teachings upon me! I know a lot of people, gay and str8 who go, have gone through what you have Johnny, and I sympathise and feel so sad because of it. The conflict between your church and your nature and wants must be dreadful.

My grandfather, when I was struggling with my own sexuality, told me to be true to myself, and confirmed my parents teaching that I should be who I wish to be, not who society or anyone else thought I should be. It was that conversation which made me realise that he knew about me, could read me like a book, what I was, and the fact that his old fogeyness refused to judge me ill, and his support gave me the confidence that for all my liberal upbringing I so sadly lacked. I know we have different beliefs, and I make no criticism of yours, however much I disagree. We are all best when adhering to our own ethics, and have no doubt you will be happiest acting in accord with your own.

In my opinion I am lucky having no religion to restrict my view of the world, and shove me in a straightjacket. Several of my friends, who are not str8 disagree, and find their religion a comfort, a guide and a liberating experience. I may not understand this, but I do respect it. Most are not like you and have decided that in this their church is wrong for whatever reason, but not all. And I respect that also, for were I religious I would be just like them..

So however your life turns out, from a little athiest Scots tart to a kindred soul... may the blessings of your God go with you and care for you.. may He allow you prosperity and joy in your life, and may He open your eyes to truth, whatever that may be...

[Johnny Reb]

I've taken kind of a different road, though. I've always been a bit of a free spirit, and after wrestling with my sexuality for years (I seriously wanted it to go away for a while, and I tried everything I could think of to try to change myself), I finally decided that I don't think homosexual activity is wrong. If you want to talk theology sometime, we can get into a deeper discussion of that, but I respect and understand if you don't want to.

I also totally understand how you feel about wanting to be able to come out to others. It kills me that my closest friends don't know this about me. Good luck if you decide to tell your friends and family - I hope they respect you for the courage it takes even if they don't necessarily like what they hear.

I would love to discuss theology and hear your perspective. I welcome the opportunity to possibly hear new perspectives. I used to study theology as a hobby and I'm no lightweight myself (not trying to sound arrogant).


I am just glad that I have never had the burden of the church and its teachings upon me! I know a lot of people, gay and str8 who go, have gone through what you have Johnny, and I sympathise and feel so sad because of it. The conflict between your church and your nature and wants must be dreadful.

The conflict is very confusing to me. I may never fully understand it. My religious beliefs are important to me, but I am also going to be true to myself and my sexuality...even if that is something that I struggle with as long as I am alive.

[FalconAngel]

First of all, Johnny, the teachings of the church and scientifically proven facts are two different things.

The church says that being Bi or Gay is a choice........who would choose to be what is considered a pariah in our society?

Sorry to burst the church's bubble, but it is not a choice. Some say that it is how you were raised and some say that it is genetic. Many others say that it is a number of factors that determines your sexuality and those two things are just the two major factors.

The church will tell you that bisexual and homosexual feelings and behavior is unnatural.

That, too, is a load of bull. It happens all the time in nature.

Being told all those things about your sexuality is just the way that evil men withing the church infrastructure control the flock.
Your religion is not the problem.....it is those in power that are the problem. Ignore those people and listen to your heart and soul.

I have been Bi my whole life and while I knew that there were places and people that it would be bad to tell about myself to, I also knew that what I am and what I feel are as natural and normal as breathing.

You are what you are and if your current church is un-accepting of that, then find one that does accept you as you are.

I can't speak for your area, but here in our area, there are churches that cater to the LGBT community without prejudice. There should be some somewhere in your area to go to.

Wallow in your sexuality and do not be afraid to love whomever you wish without regard to their gender.

[Azrael]

Wallow in your sexuality and do not be afraid to love whomever you wish without regard to their gender.
Couldn't have put it better.

[Johnny Reb]

First of all, Johnny, the teachings of the church and scientifically proven facts are two different things.

The church says that being Bi or Gay is a choice........who would choose to be what is considered a pariah in our society?

Sorry to burst the church's bubble, but it is not a choice. Some say that it is how you were raised and some say that it is genetic. Many others say that it is a number of factors that determines your sexuality and those two things are just the two major factors.

The church will tell you that bisexual and homosexual feelings and behavior is unnatural.

That, too, is a load of bull. It happens all the time in nature.

Being told all those things about your sexuality is just the way that evil men withing the church infrastructure control the flock.
Your religion is not the problem.....it is those in power that are the problem. Ignore those people and listen to your heart and soul.





Wallow in your sexuality and do not be afraid to love whomever you wish without regard to their gender.

When I was in theology school a guy got kicked out for coming out of the closet as gay, and for failing "ex-gay therapy". How does "ex-gay therapy" work? I can tell you...it doesn't.

If being Bi was a choice, I would not have chosen it because of what the church teaches. Why would I? It would be much easier to choose to be straight, be a good Christian and have that be the end of it. I am choosing a hard path, but an honest path.

I have already embraced my sexuality. I feel so peaceful and cleaner now that I can be honest about my sexuality with myself. I have such peace of mind about it.

[CountryLover]

I was 20 years married to a fundamentalist Christian minister when I finally understood my bisexuality. I was raised that homosexuality was a gross sin - yet the moment of understanding was a true epiphany in my life. I knew in that instant that GOD made me as I am, a bisexual woman, regardless of what MAN (fallible human beings) may teach. And, He loves me as I am, a bisexual woman. With that peace, it was but a moment to full acceptance of my true self.

God doesn't make mistakes. He made me bisexual, just as He made me 5'9" and brunette. I didn't choose any of those characteristics. It IS up to me how I live my life as a bisexual woman, to have integrity and honor.

I told my husband as soon as I understood it myself, and opened myself up to the next 10+ years of additional abuse. That marriage ended in divorce over 4 yrs ago and God put the right man in my life last year.

I tell those who need to know - my past lovers, my new husband, who is also bisexual. Anyone else, it's really none of their business, any more than they need to know I love to give a good heterosexual blowjob. It's simply my private business, not something to be ashamed of!

As mentioned, if you'd like to talk theology I'm certainly open to the subject. I think you'll find my thoughts different from the "normal" ...yet this is how I've grown closer to God in the past 10 years than I ever was as a pastor's wife.

Sara

[etncple]

Good point. The only reason I come out to my girlfriend was for the sake of our relationship. She was honest enough to let me know, and so I felt I owed it to her.

I discussed it with my friend because I was feeling so many conflicting emotions and did not know what to do. He knows enought about me and my beliefs to understand the conflict inside of me I'm a religious person, and part of a tradition that says anything but heterosexual relations between a man and wife is sinful, and that our sexuality is a "choice". . However, I have known about my bisexuality for a long time. I didn't wake up one morning and say "you know what, I'm feeling adventurous today...I think I'm going to like guys too". On the otherhand, I doubt that there is some kind of bisexual gene in my genetic make up. I had accepted who I am, but was seeking help on how to deal with it in light of my faith.

As a "recovering" Catholic who was taught by nuns and even went to one year of Catholic hs I can understand the conflicts between your desires and your upbringing. Talking about any type of sex was a big taboo growing up and you were str8 or gay, no inbetween. You mention being part of a "tradition" and I can understand that but traditions change, both in private families and in the world in general. As far as making a choice about your sexuality I really don't think any of us have a choice to make, we all have desires, whether they are gay, str8 or bi, even if we dont act on them.
For myself I had a cple of bi experiences in my 20s, which at that time I figured was just experimenting, then none for years. As i got older, the desire to try it again became stronger and stronger till it was driving me nuts. I did tell my s/o, now my wife, and she was very supportive, as I expected. I did NOT worry about telling anyone else as I never talk about my str8 sex life with them, why would I tell them about this.
As a spiritual, rather than a religious person, I don't feel that my desires are "wrong" or "sinful", but just a part of me. I am not any great thinker or philosopher but, as I have gotten older, I have learned to worry less about what others think and just try to live my life in a way where I can help myself and others, in good times as well as bad, to enjoy our short time here. I am lucky enough to have a wife who feels the same way. I dont believe God, or whatever higher power you may believe in, will judge me harshly for this attitude. As far as others judging me that is their problem, I am only responsible for myself.
Sorry this was so long winded, I just hate seeing people torn between what "society" expects and being true to their own feelings. Thats just my :2cents: and of course I could be wrong :rolleyes:

[Johnny Reb]

I was 20 years married to a fundamentalist Christian minister when I finally understood my bisexuality. I was raised that homosexuality was a gross sin - yet the moment of understanding was a true epiphany in my life. I knew in that instant that GOD made me as I am, a bisexual woman, regardless of what MAN (fallible human beings) may teach. And, He loves me as I am, a bisexual woman. With that peace, it was but a moment to full acceptance of my true self.

God doesn't make mistakes. He made me bisexual, just as He made me 5'9" and brunette. I didn't choose any of those characteristics. It IS up to me how I live my life as a bisexual woman, to have integrity and honor.

I told my husband as soon as I understood it myself, and opened myself up to the next 10+ years of additional abuse. That marriage ended in divorce over 4 yrs ago and God put the right man in my life last year.

I tell those who need to know - my past lovers, my new husband, who is also bisexual. Anyone else, it's really none of their business, any more than they need to know I love to give a good heterosexual blowjob. It's simply my private business, not something to be ashamed of!

As mentioned, if you'd like to talk theology I'm certainly open to the subject. I think you'll find my thoughts different from the "normal" ...yet this is how I've grown closer to God in the past 10 years than I ever was as a pastor's wife.

Sara

Thanks for sharing your story. I'm glad you got out of that relationship and have the right man in your life. I feel I have the right woman in my life, as we are accepting of each other's orientation (it would be hypocritical not to be). I guess that is a blessing I cannot take for granted.



As a spiritual, rather than a religious person, I don't feel that my desires are "wrong" or "sinful", but just a part of me. I am not any great thinker or philosopher but, as I have gotten older, I have learned to worry less about what others think and just try to live my life in a way where I can help myself and others, in good times as well as bad, to enjoy our short time here. I am lucky enough to have a wife who feels the same way. I dont believe God, or whatever higher power you may believe in, will judge me harshly for this attitude. As far as others judging me that is their problem, I am only responsible for myself.
Sorry this was so long winded, I just hate seeing people torn between what "society" expects and being true to their own feelings. Thats just my and of course I could be wrong

Amen...my desires are just that, they are a part of me. I have believed most of my life that same sex attraction is sinful because it involved a choice. The thing is I didn't make a choice. When I lived in TN, I was a member of a church that was conservative, but where I would have felt perfectly comfortable "coming out". They would not have agreed with my lifestyle, but would not have shunned me either. I do sense a conflict in my spiritual beliefs and sexuality, but it is up to me to reconcile them.

[elian]

God gave me the gift of an open mind Johnny - and it was a painful gift in the receiving but I don't think I'd have it any other way now. I can empathsize with your feeling of "lying" - I don't like lies, had plenty of them - and this is like the "last" one that I have while I'm still in the closet. I'd like to think that people would realize that I'm the same person they've know for years if I tell them. Unfortunately people are not always understanding - they cling to group identity. If your faith community is very literal and very strict then chances are they would not be accepting. Coming out is a personal choice - can you GO out on your own if you are rejected from family, community, etc. ?

I try to be accepting of ALL faiths but it gets tiresome - I always hear the fundamentalists saying "Oh, but you are infringing on our rights, we feel like outcasts!" - and I'd love to say "Well, you know all those *gay* people you pity and loathe? - they feel the same way."

"A child of five could understand this, fetch me a child of five!"

-E

[Johnny Reb]

If your faith community is very literal and very strict then chances are they would not be accepting. Coming out is a personal choice - can you GO out on your own if you are rejected from family, community, etc. ?

I try to be accepting of ALL faiths but it gets tiresome - I always hear the fundamentalists saying "Oh, but you are infringing on our rights, we feel like outcasts!" - and I'd love to say "Well, you know all those *gay* people you pity and loathe? - they feel the same way."

"A child of five could understand this, fetch me a child of five!"

-E

You know it is because America was founded as a Christian theocracy by Christians...so that is why they fight for their rights while trampling on others' rights :rolleyes:

I can't predict people, but I have decided to come out to only people who need to know, right now, or who I know will be accepting. My friend was accepting but he dates a bi. I don't see my family rejecting me. We are very close and all have our differences. I thank God that we can be so different but so close. My mom keeps a close relationship with my cousin, who is a lesbian (but does not agree with her lifestyle.)

[elian]

You know it is because America was founded as a Christian theocracy by Christians...so that is why they fight for their rights while trampling on others' rights :rolleyes:


Well aware of what they SAY dear, I also know 3 out of 5 founding fathers were Unitarians - quite heretical for their day - rejecting the Trinity (couldn't see how one God could be three Gods). But I'd rather not start a religious flame war in the forum

My spiritual belief system reads more like a recipie than a stated set of dogma - and it irritates some folks. I've been sort of like a sponge - soaking up as much info as I can find by listening to people describe what their own faith means to them personally.

I usually reserve my opinion on spiritual matters for the Gnostic/esoteric Christian pages on myspace .. because if you HAD to put a label on me it would probably be Gnostic - although my patron saint is Bast.

I don't see any reason to be "part of the country club" atmosphere - it's sort of peculiar that the folks who were once considered heretics themselves now seek to exclude OTHER people from their "true faith" - I'm pretty sure that when Jesus taught .. he taught inclusiveness.

I gaze in amazement at "The Purpose Driven Life" because the basic principles in the book are from Eastern Philosophy and religion - but the words have been "westernized to protect the innocent" .. that I think was Jesus' great gift - he could translate the Eastern concept of "Enlightenment" into principles that Western society could understand.

Some people are very comforted by ritual and I try to acknowledge that - so sorry if I offended anyone here. I know it's hard enough trying to get along questioning your orientation without everyone creating more negativity.

In any event - I wish the both of you well - it's hard to do but sometimes I try to remember that I'm actually a whole person - my sexuality is only a part - and "bisexual" is just a label. We are all a spark of the divine.

-E

[Herbwoman39]

You are under no obligation to come out to any one except your lovers.

I have apparently misspoken. Of COURSE you should feel no obligation to come out to anyone other than the people you choose to be with. My advice was meant to apply only if you DO choose to come out.

Be well.

[Pensive]

I usually reserve my opinion on spiritual matters for the Gnostic/esoteric Christian pages on myspace .. because if you HAD to put a label on me it would probably be Gnostic - although my patron saint is Bast.

-E

Just curious - which Bast are you referring to? Because the only Bast I am familiar with is an Egyptian cat goddess, which would be an odd choice for a patron saint.

[Johnny Reb]

Well aware of what they SAY dear, I also know 3 out of 5 founding fathers were Unitarians - quite heretical for their day - rejecting the Trinity (couldn't see how one God could be three Gods). But I'd rather not start a religious flame war in the forum

In any event - I wish the both of you well - it's hard to do but sometimes I try to remember that I'm actually a whole person - my sexuality is only a part - and "bisexual" is just a label. We are all a spark of the divine.


-E

I don't want to flame anybody either, religion is very personal and I have no desire to "convert" anyone. Maybe I'm being dense, but I can't tell if my sarcasm about the founding fathers was lost on you or not.

I agree about sexuality being just a part of who we are. Labels can create so many problems because words are so loaded, but they are necessary.