Sticking with someone of one sex

[garik]

I hear so many people whose idea of bisexuality is that we can't stick to one sex: if a bi person's in a relationship with a woman, they'll cheat on her with men, and if they're seeing a man, they'll cheat on him with women.

This certainly isn't true of me. I see my sexuality as being about attraction to people irrespective of their gender.

But what about you? Do you feel you need both? Could you ever commit to an exclusive relationship with one person?

[the mage]

Any one can limit their life choices at the behest of another (see the world of D/s and BDSM and wedding vows)) but I ask you, why would you want to be with someone who knowingly limits your pleasure?

If you only discovered your sexuality after the relationship began thats fine, but if your a close couple you explore it together and there is no "cheating". I'm in a loving relationship with a fab Lady, I do not ever play with women she does not know about, I play with men with her knowledge and knowing she does not enjoy that dynamic she does not play along.
No cheating, and STD risk is minimized with our honesty.

Sex is not life, it is not to be used as a weapon,, it is play, failure to see this can hurt a relationship.

[darkeyes]

I hear so many people whose idea of bisexuality is that we can't stick to one sex: if a bi person's in a relationship with a woman, they'll cheat on her with men, and if they're seeing a man, they'll cheat on him with women.

This certainly isn't true of me. I see my sexuality as being about attraction to people irrespective of their gender.

But what about you? Do you feel you need both? Could you ever commit to an exclusive relationship with one person?We r human babes..an hence no more or less likely to stray wiv whoever than ne otha human beins...irrespective of sexuality....we get shit like this outa peeps wiv an agenda...iggie it an do ya own thing... :)

[garik]

Any one can limit their life choices at the behest of another (see the world of D/s and BDSM and wedding vows)) but I ask you, why would you want to be with someone who knowingly limits your pleasure?

To be fair, I'm in an open relationship at the moment, and I agree with your main point that if you're honest and both equally happy with the arrangement, it's fine.

But I think a lot of people, of whatever orientation, get more pleasure from being in an exclusive relationship. I'm just rather annoyed that people who want such an exclusive relationship just assume that a bisexual person won't.

[Lisa (va)]

Just as people have to define their sexuality, so they must define their relationships. Yes I am in a relationship (married), that is monogamous, it works for me, I do not need both to be happy. There are those that have "open" relationships of one ty pe or another; neither is right nor wrong it's what works for the folks involved that counts


Any one can limit their life choices at the behest of another (see the world of D/s and BDSM and wedding vows)) but I ask you, why would you want to be with someone who knowingly limits your pleasure?
.

Struck a nerve here, sorry if I disagree with you, but loving one person in no way limits your pleasure.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[Pensive]

I've wondered about this question a lot myself. I'm not really part of the gay community, so I haven't really encountered much prejudice against bisexuals, but I have pretty strong reasons to want both sexes and I wonder if I can ever find an ideal balance.

Sexually, I prefer men to women somewhat, and I tend to get along with men better, so I feel like I could be happy in a M-M relationship. On the other hand it's far more socially acceptable for me to date and settle down with a woman, and I have had relationships with girls that have had a very satisfying sexual element. I guess since I've never had a serious romantic relationship with a guy I have nothing to compare my other relationships to. If I could dictate the rest of my life I'd have a few close male friends that I could fool around with, but officially be in a relationship with a woman. Now all I have to do is find a woman who's okay with that... :bigrin:

[the mage]

I'm not Dissing vow's of any kind. Monogamy totally can work so long as the situation satisfy's both people.
but..

If you seek the play and your partner knows you seek the play yet angrily deny's your sexuality as valid you will have troubles. If it is a (small safe) part of a life outside the home and tolerated, or even interacted with, it too can work.

Open constant communication from the start of life together will help a ton.

[Tingly_Tickles]

My take on this is I know a person can be happy because My wife and I are
only because we are open with each other we can truly be happy and not stray
from our marriage.

We don't or I should say have not had any other partners in our lives as of yet
but the sexual attraction is there yes of course why do you think we're here.

I feel no need to cheat because she can satisfy my every need and want and I
to hers as well after all we feel it's about just being honest with each other
that makes everything better.

tis my :2cents: like it or love it thats how we feel.
:bipride: :bipride: :bibounce: :bibounce: :bipride: :bipride:

[shadowsaffinity]

being bisexual is not reallly related to a person's commitment style although many bisexual people do tend to be into poly situations, i think due to being more openminded in general.

i keep reading posts that use the word "cheat." it really bothers me since not all instances of being with 2 partners involves cheating. cheating involves lies and hurting another person. a lot of people are in polyamorous relationships, and it's not cheating to be with more than one person. that's the commitment setup they have chosen. it makes perfect since to me since i view monogamy as a rather artificial arrangement set up by society to promote the hererosexual agenda.

anyways, i feel the need to be with someone male & someone female because what i get from a person of either of those genders is so different.

:flag4:

[billy_campbell]

As far as cheating goes I don't really think it matters if you are bisexual, straight, gay or whatever. Cheating is cheating. A person who cheats might be gay, bisexual or straight.

[FalconAngel]

As far as cheating goes I don't really think it matters if you are bisexual, straight, gay or whatever. Cheating is cheating. A person who cheats might be gay, bisexual or straight.

Well said.

We love each other and while my desire to be with men is mostly physical, we both recognize that we love each other first, foremost and always. We also recognize that if there develops an attraction between us and a third person that goes beyond "friends with benefits", then we must change things unless we both feel the same about our third.

Not an easy thing, but possible.

[DiamondDog]

If I were to wind up with a man I'm not sure if I'd want anyone else.

Maybe I'd want to be sexual every so often with women? Maybe have a girlfriend or woman who I had sex only with, but didn't fall in love wit. However I wouldn't want a husband and a wife as this would give me a headache and it wouldn't be legally possible.

If I were with a woman I'd NEED to be able to be sexual and romantic with men too or else I'd be VERY unhappy, depressed, alienated, and the idea of being with only a woman sexually/emotionally/romantically makes me feel trapped and is depressing to me.

If I were with a woman only in a closed/exclusive/monogamous relationship, I'd just think about the past and pine/lust for men. It would be like cutting off my right arm and I'd probably cheat if I wasn't out, or if I was closeted/on the "down low", and I know I'd have no qualms with leaving a woman for a relationship with a man.

But I'm out and open about myself to everyone who I date or get involved with emotionally even as friends. I don't go around waving rainbow flags, the bear/leather flag, or the ugh silly bi flag. I don't introduce myself as being bisexual to everyone I meet like random strangers since het people don't do this. But I talk about myself to people and educate them about bisexuality/queerness if they ask about it. I've educated a lot of het friends and family about it and I honestly don't care if someone thinks that I'm gay.

[ohbimale]

I think humans are capable of maintaining a exclusive relationship, but both people have to want it. I have maintained exclusive relationships in the past. I have also had non-exclusive relationships, or as some would say "open".

Funny thing is in the exclusive relatinships it was the woman who wondered from our bed. I think that humans were made to be attracted to more than one person, thus maintaining a closed relationship goes against our nature. Thus open relationships make more sense for humans. However it is societal programming from the day we are born that makes it a difficult concept to grasp for most people, bringing into play all the phobias.

My own parents are a perfect example of people who have a phobia about non-straight people. Hell it took them two years to accept the fact I practice witchcraft. Think of the torment they would put themselves through if they knew their son is bisexual.

Now I have really gotten off the path of thread.

Sticking with one parner takes a commitment from both parties, plus a lot of love, patience, understanding and communication. It is possible, but it goes against human nature. :male: :bipride: :male:

[jem_is_bi]

My impression is that monogamy is, very much, a personality trait. It seems like promiscuous is related to emotional rather than stoic, adventurous rather than risk adverse, outgoing rather than shy. My balance between promiscuous and monogamy changed in synchrony with these other aspects of my personality, as it has evolved over time.
Finally, translating desires to action depends on social and family pressures, the basic instinct to protect one’s children, etc.

JEM

[canuckotter]

One thing I've found is that when bisexuals describe their attractions to either gender, there are two broad groups. Many bisexuals explain that they simply don't discriminate based on gender, that they're attracted to people as opposed to certain parts, or something along those lines. For people in that group, monogamy is no harder than it would be for an ordinary straight person. Many other bisexuals, however, explain that they have two completely seperate sexualities, one of which deals with men and one which deals with women. For people in this group, no matter how satiated they are with one gender, if they aren't able to explore the other, they're still effectively celibate.

Of course, I doubt anyone's wholly on one side or the other. Personally, I'm mostly in the former group, and I have a friend who's mostly in the latter. He recently had to have a very serious talk with his partner of four years because the partner insisted on monogamy and my friend just couldn't take it any more. They seem to have reached a new agreement that works for them. And for my wife and I... It just doesn't seem to be a problem. I very rarely need to satisfy any same-sex attraction, and when I do, a little alone time and some bi porn takes care of that for me. :oh: And for that matter, hanging out on here and looking at the profile pics of the guys tends to prevent the need for that most of the time. :)

[truelove201]

Any one can limit their life choices at the behest of another (see the world of D/s and BDSM and wedding vows)) but I ask you, why would you want to be with someone who knowingly limits your pleasure?

If you only discovered your sexuality after the relationship began thats fine, but if your a close couple you explore it together and there is no "cheating". I'm in a loving relationship with a fab Lady, I do not ever play with women she does not know about, I play with men with her knowledge and knowing she does not enjoy that dynamic she does not play along.
No cheating, and STD risk is minimized with our honesty.

Sex is not life, it is not to be used as a weapon,, it is play, failure to see this can hurt a relationship.


:female: My husband and I are going through this now. We've been married for 10 years (together for 16). We have a fabulous sex life however he has just recently accepted he has an attraction to men. I want him to be happy but am very afraid of what opening up our marriage means. He loves me and our 3 kids and we are deeply committed. I trust him and know he would never do anything to hurt any of us. We are looking for suggestions/support on how to proceed. Anything you could share that you think would be helpful would be greatly appreciated. You sound like you know what you're talking about.

[3naib]

what a great thread- thanks peeps!
esp since this topic is one of my biggest peeves with the general assumptions and misunderstandings about being bi.

reading all your responses is very validating for me. we are such a diverse group even within ourselves.

i tend to agree with bimalewitch that a certain amount of our mammalian evolution is that as a species, we were not designed to partner for life, as some species are. as i understand it, the propagation of humans leads to packs that compete for dominant males/females to thus pair off in order to genetically produce the strongest offspring for survival.
after the pairbond got through the initial year or two with an infant, it 'took the whole village to raise the children.'

when the 'til death do us part' vow initiated, it was only a commitment of maybe 25 yrs, as 45-50yrs old was old age. a 50th wedding anniversary was unthinkable and i think that the longer extend living, the more challenging and unrealistic that expectation is--- to be exclusive and fulfill a sole partners every need.

the concept of marriage was not heterocentrically enforced throughout history until the dawn of the industrial revolution, as they needed to 'produce' bodies to run machines, to manufacture and sustain a labor force. think matrix... suddenly the church became a victorian tool to enforce the het model and formulated a scripture-based edict: make babies! prior to that, many ancient and western cultures accepted that sleeping around happened... not exactly sanctified- there was still jealousy and 'cheating' per se, but it was not quite a sin, or necessarily considered a taboo- and often open and conscentual to bugger off in a corner, or steal a sapphic interlude...

that all said, i also believe that it is possible for 2 beings to be completely satisfied for life with one another because we as humans are able to derive sexual satisfaction in a multitude of ways, and that can cross over from being explicitly about the body to include the mind and spirit.

there is no one way.

what i find VERY interesting is what canuckotter said- that he sees a distinction in two groups... very observant and i think that might ring true- and if so- that is a political/identity issue with the very term "bi" sexual.

it would apply to those who feel they have 2 distinct sexualities: a biplane has 2 wings, a bicycle 2 wheels, a bisexual 2 sexualities.

but for the rest of the people who do not differentiate as such and claim that it matters not what's betwixt your nethers, then the moniker "bisexual" is a misnomer that does not accurately identify them and perpetuates much of the misunderstanding. i would say that a different prefix is needed... not sure what: 'pan'sexual? (but wait- does that incl dogs and horses?) 'omni'sexual? er (no, that implies a superiority)... 'amorph'sexual is more accurate- "without structure or form, indeterminant"-- but its too freakin hard to say. i do like clarity though.

ultimately i guess its all about how we identify ourselves, not what who or how we practice and much as who we see ourselves as.

there is an incredible book on this subject called 'Redefining Our Relationships' by Wendy O Matik and it is an incredible book for anyone who hopes to have an authentic and loving open relationship... including matters of jealousy when there is the thrill of a new partner and how to navigate honestly with kids. how different people honor themselves and others and how to set clear loving boundaries being tantamount to satisfying open relationships. brilliant! it was a book that gave voice to my heart.

i personally have never realized a successful open relationship and believe that i would want a really solid foundation of trust with a partner to able to go outside of the relationship sexually and emotionally and be able to bring that energy back into the partnership, instead of the cheating method which to me, is duplicit and energy-robbing all parties.

for myself, i could honestly imaging being very satisfied by one partner (either sex) that was as exploratory and playful, with vivid imagination and creative play- it would take a lifetime to deliciously explore the vastness of another person, and where boundaries lie.
but i often imagine that is unrealistic and pure infantile fantasy- desperately wanting to recreate that oneness we all experienced in the womb. so i suspect that i opened my definitions up to accommodate a honorable way to find it in many.

thanks for such a great Q!

>smooch<

[flexuality]

but for the rest of the people who do not differentiate as such and claim that it matters not what's betwixt your nethers, then the moniker "bisexual" is a misnomer that does not accurately identify them and perpetuates much of the misunderstanding. i would say that a different prefix is needed... not sure what: 'pan'sexual? (but wait- does that incl dogs and horses?) 'omni'sexual? er (no, that implies a superiority)... 'amorph'sexual is more accurate- "without structure or form, indeterminant"-- but its too freakin hard to say. i do like clarity though.

How bout just sexual? I don't usually go around telling people WHO I might be attracted to....but that's just me. :rolleyes:

As far as commitment goes, for me and Solomon (my hubby), we talk about expectations, what we want and then we make agreements that work for both of us. The key being that the agreements work for BOTH of us. And we do our utmost to reach enthusiastic agreements, as opposed to reluctant ones.

[3naib]

[QUOTE=flexuality]How bout just sexual? I don't usually go around telling people WHO I might be attracted to....but that's just me. :rolleyes:


I don't go around telling people myself, but I was on Reunion.com as my 20th for HS is coming up quickly (yipes!) and there is that evil drop down in the profile for all to ravenously gossip:

SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
Heterosexual
Homosexual
Bisexual

Frankly, I think checking "bi" opens a can o worms that will demand I further explain. It does not come with a standard and implicit meaning like het and homo do. That was what I meant.

And I quite like YOUR idea!
"Flexsexual". :tong: puuurfect.

[flexuality]

[QUOTE=flexuality]How bout just sexual? I don't usually go around telling people WHO I might be attracted to....but that's just me. :rolleyes:


I don't go around telling people myself, but I was on Reunion.com as my 20th for HS is coming up quickly (yipes!) and there is that evil drop down in the profile for all to ravenously gossip:

SEXUAL ORIENTATION:
Heterosexual
Homosexual
Bisexual

Frankly, I think checking "bi" opens a can o worms that will demand I further explain. It does not come with a standard and implicit meaning like het and homo do. That was what I meant.

And I quite like YOUR idea!
"Flexsexual". :tong: puuurfect.

The evil drop down...lol!! I know what you mean! And if you leave it blank or check off "rather not specify" (like some of em have) then the can o worms just got bigger!

They should start just having a blank that you fill out yourself....if they must know what sexual orientation one is (good grief!).....I'd just put in "yes." :tong:

Personally, I have this "thing" about labels....I well....hate them. lol!

[truelove201]

Well said.

We love each other and while my desire to be with men is mostly physical, we both recognize that we love each other first, foremost and always. We also recognize that if there develops an attraction between us and a third person that goes beyond "friends with benefits", then we must change things unless we both feel the same about our third.

Not an easy thing, but possible.

:female: I agree that love comes first...always. I find the whole concept however of opening up a marriage very difficult. In the end sex is sex not matter who it's with. Why put your love at any risk in order to satisfy something that can be as shallow as sex. On the other hand sex is sex and why would a something so shallow endanger a marraige. This is my dilemma. We are fortunate that we communicate very well with one another and are going to take our time to explore this. It helps so much to hear so many other people's perspectives that are in the same (or similar) boat.

[jackies]

First off...

I am glad to hear some of you say that this is possible.

As some of you know I found out about my husband's same sex attraction only after an infidelity occured. It has been very difficult, but we are working on it. We have decided to recommit and he is emphatic now about staying monogamous. I have same sex attraction myself and have decided not to stray from my marriage. If anyone has a similiar story or can offer advice, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks...

Jackie :)

[deeTM]

Wow, what a great set of responses to a question I hear quite a bit of. My wife is bi and has a gf whom she is deeply in love with. I've recently admitted to myself that I'm bi as well. That in itself is a whole other story, lol.

Canuckotter made an outstanding observation. Two types of bi... My wife is obviously of the group that needs the love of a woman while I on the other hand may be part of the group that really just wants sex with the same sex.

So for me, I think that I would have had no problem remaining monogomous while my wife who I don't believe would have cheated on me really needed to feel the love and touch of a woman. In support of my position... Before I realized that I was bi my wife and I had the discussion of me having a girlfriend also as she was thinking that it was unfair that she could but I couldn't. For a while that was an interesting and exciting prospect but... as the reality of that sank in I realized that she satisfied my every want and desire that the feminine sex could offer. Not to mention that I'm deeply in love with her, lol.

After my self discovery/admission tho, I plan at some point to experience some sort of relationship with a man. I don't know at this point if I'll actually be able to love a man but I'm open to the possibility.

But again, is it possible to be bi and monogomous? Yes! But it's really up to the person and what they want/need in their life.

Truth first. Honesty always... even if it hurts sometimes.

[truelove201]

First off...

I am glad to hear some of you say that this is possible.

As some of you know I found out about my husband's same sex attraction only after an infidelity occured. It has been very difficult, but we are working on it. We have decided to recommit and he is emphatic now about staying monogamous. I have same sex attraction myself and have decided not to stray from my marriage. If anyone has a similiar story or can offer advice, I would really appreciate it.

Thanks...

Jackie :)
:female: sounds like you and I have much in common...while my husband didn't cheat sexually he was on the road to doing so and had done so emotionally...I discovered what was going on and it's been really tough. We have been married 10 yrs and have 3 small kids so there is much at stake. He's so remorseful and wishes he could change things...of course he can't but we've decided to work through this as we have allot of love between us. This site has already done wonders for my mental state and it's primarily from being able to share with such wonderful people.

[happyjoe68]

I think I've made a similar comment elsewhere, but I believe that bisexuality throws up the poly/open relationship to a much greater/fundamental degree than it does in the straight/gay/les world because of the attraction to both sexes. I also believe that there is a subconscious pressure/influence on bi people, in the same manner as advertising influences people to buy things, to consider the poly/open relationship question otherwise they dont feel they are truly bisexual.

The whole issue of poly/open, etc., is contentious and a can of worms if ever there was one. Monogamy is one thing, trust is another, and cheating is such an emotive term ... Both sides need to agree on what's acceptable and what's not. I dont think any (or few) relationships where there is emotional involvement can function without such agreements

I think its perfectly possible to be happy with one person as well as with two people. Its also perfectly possible to be unhappy with two people as it is with one person.

It all depends on how the issue is approached.

[jackies]

:female: sounds like you and I have much in common...while my husband didn't cheat sexually he was on the road to doing so and had done so emotionally...I discovered what was going on and it's been really tough. We have been married 10 yrs and have 3 small kids so there is much at stake. He's so remorseful and wishes he could change things...of course he can't but we've decided to work through this as we have allot of love between us. This site has already done wonders for my mental state and it's primarily from being able to share with such wonderful people.

Hi! It does sound like we have much in common...It has been a very scary time. Maybe we could help support each other.

Jackies...

[Johnny Reb]

One thing I've found is that when bisexuals describe their attractions to either gender, there are two broad groups. Many bisexuals explain that they simply don't discriminate based on gender, that they're attracted to people as opposed to certain parts, or something along those lines. For people in that group, monogamy is no harder than it would be for an ordinary straight person. Many other bisexuals, however, explain that they have two completely seperate sexualities, one of which deals with men and one which deals with women. For people in this group, no matter how satiated they are with one gender, if they aren't able to explore the other, they're still effectively celibate.

They seem to have reached a new agreement that works for them. And for my wife and I... It just doesn't seem to be a problem. I very rarely need to satisfy any same-sex attraction, and when I do, a little alone time and some bi porn takes care of that for me. :oh: And for that matter, hanging out on here and looking at the profile pics of the guys tends to prevent the need for that most of the time. :)

Thanks Canuck. This is why I am glad I have joined this site. I am still coming to terms with being bi, and I am glad to see that I am normal and that there are others like me.

Much of that sounds a lot like me. My g/f and I hope (that's a key word) to maintain a monogamous relationship, and to be of support to each other in the process of doing so. I am mostly attracted to the whole person, not parts, but others may be different. I lean to the straight side, and seeing boobs, butts and dicks alone does not do as much for me. You don't look at one part of a work of art, to appreciate it you must see the whole thing. To appreciate the mona lisa, you just don't look at her eyes, or just the face. You look at the whole painting/

[truelove201]

Hi! It does sound like we have much in common...It has been a very scary time. Maybe we could help support each other.

Jackies...

:female: I would like that.

[3somcouple]

I choose my hubby over a woman but we are both bi and open so as long as we are both there then we can enjoy anothers company in our sex life. Our belief is that if we are both there sharing in a 3some then its not cheating. :tong:

[cliffml]

If I find the right person man or woman, I can live with the outcome. As long as your happy.

[TheThreeOfUs]

I hear so many people whose idea of bisexuality is that we can't stick to one sex: if a bi person's in a relationship with a woman, they'll cheat on her with men, and if they're seeing a man, they'll cheat on him with women.

This certainly isn't true of me. I see my sexuality as being about attraction to people irrespective of their gender.

But what about you? Do you feel you need both? Could you ever commit to an exclusive relationship with one person?

Yes, uhh sort of? lol I have 2 men in my life and Im comitted to them. I am bi and LOVE women but I dont feel the need to have a gf or be with a woman.

[gentlepen9]

I hear so many people whose idea of bisexuality is that we can't stick to one sex: if a bi person's in a relationship with a woman, they'll cheat on her with men, and if they're seeing a man, they'll cheat on him with women.

This certainly isn't true of me. I see my sexuality as being about attraction to people irrespective of their gender.

But what about you? Do you feel you need both? Could you ever commit to an exclusive relationship with one person?

Being capable of committing to an exclusive relationship has nothing to do with one's sexual orientation. I think this is the hardest thing for people to wrap their minds around when it comes to bisexuality. There are people who are gay, straight or bi who are more comfortable being with one person just as there are people who are gay, straight or bi who feel more comfortable in a more open relationship. Being bisexual doesn't make you any more or less susceptible of being non-monogamous than anyone else. I'm married and although I'm bi-amorous (I prefer this term because for me it goes beyond being capable of having sexual feelings for men and women), I don't feel that I need to have a relationship that would accommodate my romantic feelings towards women. I think in some cases people confuse polyamory with bisexuality. And that in other cases some people use bisexuality as an excuse to sleep around. I'm not saying that everyone who is bisexual is like this I just think it's unfair that bisexuals and bisexuality get a bad rap because their are people who can't tell the difference between being promiscuous and having a lack of sexual discretion with being bisexual. I think that as bisexuals we need to make it clear to others that bisexuality doesn't = polyamory and that bisexuality doesn't = freak, easy, cheater or disease spreader.