Questioning my manhood

[BiSenior]

I discovered my bisexual tendencies several years ago. I was married for 18 years and enjoyed a wonderful sex life with my wife. After we divorced I dated several women, met one that I grew very fond of and considered remarriage. Then one day my life changed forever. A co-worker was showing some of us a porn magazine that he had recently purchased. One of the photos in the magazine showed a woman performing oral sex on a man. After looking at the photo for a while I realized that I was associating with the woman rather than the man. I didn’t want to be that man receiving oral sex. I wanted to be the one giving the man oral sex. I was not envious of him, I was envious of her. Needless to say, my life has never been the same after that. Over the years I’ve been with several men (six) and for the most part I’ve enjoyed the experiences. But I do seem to have a couple of things that concern me. First and foremost, I never want reciprocation from the man I’m with. I’ll give him whatever he wants (orally) and for as long as he wants, but I never want him to reciprocate in any way. I discussed this concern with a man I was with recently and his opinion is that I am denying that I have male genitals. He said that secretly I wish I didn’t have a penis. I didn’t give his opinion much thought until I met the man I’ve been seeing lately. The man I’m seeing now insists that when we are together I have to wear certain woman’s clothing. When he first made his demands about what I had to wear I was hesitant. Sure, I know about crossdressers and transvestites, but I never had any desire to be one or even be with one. However, after a few phone calls I reluctantly agreed to dress the way he wanted. He promised me that it would be private. I got a catalog from the Internet and ordered the clothing that he wanted me to wear (garter belt, stockings, panties, skirt and high heel shoes). I thought for sure that I would never be able to go through with it, especially when I would have to stand in front of him and let him see me dressed that way. I just knew that he would laugh at me and make jokes about the way I looked. Well, I did go through with it and much to my surprise it was easier than I thought. As I walked toward him in wobbly high heels I kept thinking about the conversation I had had with another man about denying my male genitals, wishing I didn’t have a penis. Was he right? That conversation quickly vanished from my mind as I walked toward the man seated on the sofa. All I wanted to think about now were his genitals and how much I wanted to please and pleasure him. Obviously I can’t go into details about our get-togethers, but as you might expect, they are one-sided. He has never attempted to remove my panties, nor has he ever requested that I remove them. He doesn’t care about my genitals, he doesn’t want my genitals. I feel quite certain that because of the way I’m dressed he doesn’t think of me as a man. Is he pretending that he’s with a woman? Are we both denying that I have male genitals? Quite frankly, when we are together I really couldn’t care less. My only interest is paying homage to his genitals and his manhood. We don’t get together as often as I would like, consequently I’m hoping to meet someone I can be with on a more regular basis and I’ll dress (or undress) any way he likes.

[jo69guy]

I don't know if you are questioning your manhood as much as adjusting to a new lifestyle. I did enjoy your post though.

:flag4:

[Brian]

Hi BiSenior,

Based on your sexual desires as you described them, I think you are what many in the gay community would call an "oral bottom" - that is you like to give oral sex, and aren't much interested in receiving. My 2 cents is that that doesn't make you any less a man, and neither does the crossdressing. I am more of a "versatile" man myself (I like giving and receiving about equally), and I can only speak for myself, but I view the "oral bottom" men I have been with as ALL MAN!!

I think the sexual psyche is very complex. The fact that you enjoy being an oral bottom and crossdressing, but that it also generates some negative feelings in yourself, to me just indicates that there are many sides to your sexual self. Maybe your conscience is trying to tell you something, namely that being the "bottom" of the relationship is good for your soul, but that you also need something more; or that you just need to time to come to terms with this reletively newly-discovered side of your sexual psyche.

You sound like a smart introspective guy, so I say enjoy the journey as you explore this new side of your sexual identity.

- Drew :paw:

[Snafu]

Take this with a grain of salt, since I am not a man, but I still get the idea of "man hood", I think. However it sounds to me that you are just exploring into new territory and getting to know your own likes and interests and turn ons better. But the problem is that you have the old programming in your head about what men are suposed to be like or do, and the guy who told you that you were denying yourself didn't help a bit. Some people are just more comfortable giving than receiving...but this can even change or change in a given situation. I am no shrink, but to me it sounds like you are just in the process of adjusting to a new identity is all. But I am not sure I put a large price tag on "man hood" because I think that a persons experience of feeling male or female or femme or butch can be fluid and change over time, however this is a real challenge to deal with because we aren't really socialized this way. Good luck, and enjoy the ride!

[Brian]

Hi again BiSenior,

I just re-read you post, and I am going to go out on a bit of limb here, but I thought I would add 2 more cents...

Is it possible that your new friend is pushing you a bit too fast? It may be that you wish to go down that road - that it taps into some deeply rooted desires - but perhaps the questions that are popping into your head about your manhood, are a sign that you are being pushed a little fast down that road? Maybe things need to be slowed down a little, so you have time to think, and reconcile some of the mixed feelings about it all?

That is just an additional thought - I hope it helps you out.

- Drew :paw:

[BiSenior]

I want to express my thanks to jo69guy, Drew and snafu for your responses and insights. In retrospect, I may have been incorrect in questioning my manhood. Perhaps what I really need to question is my backbone. I seem to give in too easily. When you're with someone that you admire and respect and you want to do whatever you can to please that person, it's a little difficult to say 'no' or to deny his wishes or requests. I printed all the responses that I received and I've read them several times. I must admit I'm very impressed with the opinions and analysis that you all offered. Thanks.

[jo69guy]

I'm glad my two cents helped. Be glad to chat anytime.

[mike9753]

BiSenior:

I have always felt that truely satisfying relationships involve a degree of reciprocity. Otherwise there is an element of exploitation and the power element becomes distorted. When you provide oral plesure to your partner but you do not expect anything in return you are, in a sense making him "beholden" to you. You are also denying your own pleasure and you denegrate yourself.

I might rethink this, if I were you. I might begin to explore what is really psychologically healthy for you. We are all different, but there are some basic elements that we all live by. For me, the phrase, "There is no such thng as free lunch" is a very true statement - in business, in personal relationships, in sexual relationships. I would end by saying that you need to take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect and expect that others will treat you that way too. Role playing is OK, but the basic relationship should be based on mutual respect.

[gayle]

BiSenior,
Perhaps as the straight female partner of a bi male I will bring a different perspective in addressing your posting. My bf is bi and he genuinely enjoys giving oral sex to both men and women. He particularly seems to enjoy giving oral sex to men, although this may in part be due to the fact it is easier to find a man who wants to receive oral sex without necessarily having a relationship than it is to find a woman seeking to receive oral sex outside of a relationship. My bf considers himself to be versatile and is a bit of a tough guy. Most people who meet him would not want to have to fight him. He is a real take-charge guy (I'm a take-charge woman) and from our conversations, I have gathered that he simply likes to sometimes be in the more submissive position of giving oral sex rather than to be in the more dominant, receiving position. It just gives him a break. And again, it doesn't hurt at all that he genuinely enjoys giving oral sex.
I would venture a guess that perhaps you just want to be in the position of giving and that, perhaps, in the past your sexual relationships have been either a 50/50 giving/receiving situation, or that perhaps your needs were the dominant factor in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with giving and since it seems you do not have a desire to receive oral sex from men, then you are not losing out by only giving oral sex to men. At some point, you may wish to both give and receive oral sex. Perhaps at this point, you are still feeling your way through the opportunities available to you as you have sexual relationships with men and just working to get comfortable with this new element in your life. If at some point you decide you want to experience other sexual activities with men, you can still do that.
I have heard so many times that only a man knows how to give a blow job and only a woman knows how to eat a pussy. I'm not sure I'd really agree with those comments, but who am I to argue?
If your sexual activities are what is causing you to question your manhood, then you need to reconsider what you are doing. Your current relationship may be more damaging to your psyche than it is fulfilling to you. If the reason you are questioning your manhood is because of the comments someone else has made, then you need to decide for yourself whether or not you agree with that person's opinion.
I suspect you would be better off to not turn your sexual desires into proof of manhood or into proof that you are denying your manhood. I do not get the sense that your current sexual pursuits are about proving/disproving your manhood, but more about exploring your sexual desires and those of your parter. Personally, I think you might be better off with a different partner who isn't pushing you into wearing women's clothing or doing anything that causes you to be uncomfortable. All elements of sexual activity need to be consensual. Believe me, I understand your desire to please your partner, but it does seem to be a one-sided relationship. I suspect you would be happier and feel greater peace if you were in a relationship with someone who doesn't ask you to dress in women's clothing. It doesn't sound to me like you particularly enjoy dressing in women's clothes. I'm not saying you have to find a partner who is going to give you oral sex if you do not desire it, but I do think you should have a partner who is willing to explore YOUR sexual desires with you. Perhaps you could find a bi partner who is comfortable with his sexuality that could help you explore your desires with compassion and understanding.
Best wishes to you. :)