the other closet

[Azrael]

I'm at a point where I'm starting to get truly comfortable with my sexual orientation and the world around me. Insofar as I can, that is. I repair A/Cs and Heat Pumps, and am surrounded by homophobic sexist alpha-male types. Still, I do this sort of work, I hold my own, and I don't worry about it too much. I'm there to do a job, not be into men or women. I'm largely still in the closet with my family, particularly my Father. I love my Dad, but he's had a pretty hard life. I feel like telling him his first born son is queer would knock his last leg out from under him. It's not his fault, he's a product of his upbringing. I'm real with all my friends. My friends are what I call my real family, the ones who give me the love and understanding my blood isn't capable of. My mom's attitude is, "that's fine, but why do you have to talk about it?". I'm not up in people's faces at all about it. People in the hospital were threatening to kill me for it just because I answered honestly when they asked me if I was. In spite of all this, I've built up some pretty thick skin in this regard. I don't get all worked up anymore. One day I calmly said to my kitchen manager, "If you call me a faggot again you're going to make me very angry'. He backed off cause he knows I won't stand for that shit. But now this brings us to my main point, and I do have one.
What I call the "other closet" is the mental health closet. Perhaps there are those of you who wish I didn't talk about my mental issues so much, part of the reason I do is I have to maintain a state of secrecy about it in a professional sense. Bipolar Disorder is a major red flag for an employer, never mind how hard working or qualified you are. I just got a job with a huge mechanical contractor, and I'm excited and terrified. They know what prescription drugs I take (Seroquel and Inderal) and I'm terrified that they're going to put 2 and 2 together and say "this kid's a fucking liability". I don't want to get into another jam like last time. I was working for an AC company and couldn't get a referral for a psychiatrist through the company insurance. Those Aetna fuckers said it wasn't a life threatening condition. So I took my paid vacation, saw my family physician who prescribed an SSRI and a Benzodiazepine (which at the time was like pouring gasoline on a fire) and started flipping out for real. Panic attacks, hyperventilation, paranoia, hallucinations, all that shit. I quit my job when they threatened to fire me for mental health reasons. I've always done my best to keep myself together, but this new job could turn into a pressure cooker is I start coming unglued. Employers don't allow you to be fucking human in any way. Don't get me wrong. I'll suck it up and do my best like I always do. I'm just fucking nervous as all hell.

[littlerayofsunshine]

Azrael,

You are a wonderful down to earth fella, I love reading everything you write. You are letting the anxiety get to ya. Having delt with depression I get anxiety too. You are good at what you do. You landed the job cause you are good at what you do. Have faith in that and yourself. Remind yourself you are worthy. ((((((Hugs)))))) to calm the nerves. Remember work is work and life is life, and you can't really let it ( work, the imaginable) get to you. You can always try to your own personal health insurance so you wouldn't have to use work insurance. You are more aware and understanding now then back then. Take that as a small blessing.


Keep an outlet, human connection if you can hun. Don't close yourself off when the pressures on.. Write more here, hell send me a message if ya need to let loose of something, just don't hold things in and let them build up. Maybe it will lesson the load for ya. I have faith in you hun. I'm here if ya need me, for a verbal punching bag or just a shoulder. Your friends are here. You have support if ya need it.

[onewhocares]

Dear Azrael,

I know, by experiance, that YOU are your own best indicator of what is right for YOU. It is ok to let others help you, but never doubt what your heart tells you is right.

I too worked for a man ( who happened to be my dad ) who made fun of me for wanting, needing to go and seek the help of a therapist. In the end, the therapist wanted to meet my parents. After that session, the therapist said to be me, how did your mother live with him- he is a bastard. Wow, vindication. I knew that I had to have the therapy. In the end it was the best, I found who I was supposed to be.

I know for some people it helps to write things down. To express what is inside. If you need someone to write to, please do not hesitate to write to me. I would love to share this journey with you. I wish you all the best.

Belle

[flexuality]

They know what prescription drugs I take (Seroquel and Inderal) and I'm terrified that they're going to put 2 and 2 together and say "this kid's a fucking liability".

Back when I was divorcing my ex, he tried to use the fact that I was on Zoloft back then against me and tried to say that I was an "unfit mother" due to depression, and used the fact that I was on Zoloft to support that.

It didn't work. (He was full of shit anyways and just trying to get back at me, but he would stoop to anyting)

I was prescribed zoloft in an effort to help with migraines....it just also happened to help with depression as well. I focused on the migraine aspect of zoloft and his contrived bullshit fell apart.

My point is, that medications can be used for a number of different things, and if it is none of their business what they are for, then why not focus on one of the other applications for that med if need be.

I'm not suggesting lying, just a shifting of focus if they're only going to harrass about it.

Inderal is a beta blocker and is quite often prescribed for migraines. Seroquel is sometimes prescribed for Restless Leg Syndrome.

Wikepedia is our FRIEND! :tong:

Just something to consider.....

[Azrael]

My point is, that medications can be used for a number of different things, and if it is none of their business what they are for, then why not focus on one of the other applications for that med if need be.

I'm not suggesting lying, just a shifting of focus if they're only going to harrass about it.

Point taken, darling.


Inderal is a beta blocker and is quite often prescribed for migraines. Seroquel is sometimes prescribed for Restless Leg Syndrome.

Wikepedia is our FRIEND! :tong:

Just something to consider.....
Good fuckin' show! Did I mention I have a habit of magnifying? :cool:

[julie]

Did I mention I have a habit of magnifying? :cool:

hey, me too........mental illness is such a cruel toxic intrusive bitch ):

good luck with the new job Azrael
:suave:

Julie

ps... whatever ones spiritual leanings may be.. i do find the wisdom/ philosophy in this biblical extract helpful in my own journey...

I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves.
Matthew 10:15-17 (in Context) Matthew 10 (Whole Chapter)

[Tingly_Tickles]

Darling what you need is to be able to calm down and relax a bit and try this on
for size.
I will have to note this mainly works for me because I am open about myself
and intend on staying that way cuz I say fuck your labels to all bashers out
there not just glbt but all including race nationality as well.

My intent is to get into some place then before they have a chance to do or say
anything get the upper hand by giving them a good mind fucking that they'll
never be able to forget.

In other lighter words if they say gay or fag or something totally stupid hetero
tell em you say fag like it's a bad thing or jump in to say oh you want a smoke
if you smoke offer em one if not say no thanks I don't smoke.

Or faggot which by definition is a bundle of sticks hehe yea well I've dealt with
this type of stupid useless uncalled for humor way too long so I've come up
with my own killer sense of humor for the non gay loving society we all live in.

Finally kill em with kindness they absolutely hate that the fact that your just
so nice and such a damn good worker they'd almost hate to even think of the
fact you might love yourself and be happy with your life decisions.

:bipride: :bipride: :bibounce::bibounce: :bipride: :bipride:

[Pensive]

It seems like everyone else is giving you good advice; calm down and just take it one step at a time.

I think it's sad if some people here would want you to not talk about being bipolar. If you can't be yourself in a place like this, where can you?

[Solomon]

hhmm i think what wins employers over the most is simply confidence.... real confidence

and from the sounds of it you have alot to be confident of... if nothing else the fact that you have a quality service to provide and it goes to the highest bidder that suits you :cool:

and i don't care if you're brand new or not... if they fire you they're going to hafta justify why they hired you in the first place, to their boss

'cuz they've already spent thousands of dollars to hire you and if they didn't do their job of screening you properly.... somebody's not gonna be happy with'em! lol :cool:

[anne27]

I know there's got to be a certain amount of stigma to mental issues, but honey, I know sooo many people on various meds for it! I am betting nearly everyone has someone they know who is on one of the various anti depressants out there now. Hell, nearly my entire extended family is on one drug or another for it! I personally know a handful of people who are bi polar and I live in a small town. It's everywhere. You aren't alone, hon.

Take a deep breath and relax. Show them what a great guy you are and don't sweat what 'may' happen. It's much more likely not to happen at all. Congrats on the new job!

*hugs*