To take a step back, or to confront them?

[Fuzzled_one]

Ok so ever since i told one of my friends im bi (just happens to be my crush and is 34) she has gone quite weird about it, i didnt mention i liked her though. Her reply was one in which she couldnt relate but that she had her suspisions i was, i just want to know, do i continue to not have any contact with her, or do i go up to her and ask what the problem is. I dont want to loose her as a mate, but im worried...

[biwords]

It's not clear from your account how she has 'gone weird' - ? - and a lot depends on that. Still, if she's a friend, you should be able to ask her about it without being unnecessarily confrontative.

[Fuzzled_one]

Ok sorry should have been a lil more indepth, she has gone weird with how she is with me, we used to go out for drinks, coffee, even having dinner at her place, now there is no contact, no emails, txts, even phone calls, she didnt even talk to me at work on monday when i saw her in their. So you think asking her about it is the best idea, or let her come to me?

[biwords]

OK, I see what you mean by 'weird'...if you still want her as a friend, though, what have you got to lose by speaking with her? But if she doesn't return a couple of consecutive messages, though, you'd probably do better to leave the initiative with her, and assume the friendship is over unless and until she contacts you. It's just possible that something else is happening in her life that accounts for her behaviour. Good luck!

[dans94]

This is weird but it just occurred to me that maybe some friends are afraid of associating with a 'known' bi/gay/lesbian person. It might help to tell her that she is the only person who knows and you hope she can keep your confidence. It might not sound like the reaction of a 'true' friend but peer pressure is an awful thing, even in adults.

[Fuzzled_one]

This is weird but it just occurred to me that maybe some friends are afraid of associating with a 'known' bi/gay/lesbian person. It might help to tell her that she is the only person who knows and you hope she can keep your confidence. It might not sound like the reaction of a 'true' friend but peer pressure is an awful thing, even in adults.

Well thats the thing, i usually tell people i just meet and when i trust them that im bi, alot of people know, all at my work, throughout my life, only a few i dont choose to tell. However i chose not to tell her for fear of what is happening now, loosing her as a friend, this is the first time in 6 years someone i have told is having a weird reaction to it, yet i know she has association with gay people, ive seen her acknowledge them. I feel as though taking a step back is the best idea, yet i want to know if everything is ok with her?

[jem_is_bi]

I suspect that she is ok associating with bi/gay people in a friendly manner provided she is not in a close friendship with them. I suspect that you established a (too close) friendship that was to far inside her comfort level with bi/gay people. So, if you want her keep friendship, I you probably need to slowly change her comfort zone.
Will this allow you to have a physical relationship?
Should you let her know that independent of your sexuality, you have no desire to make her uncomfortable and would happily settle for her friendship, if she does not want anything more?

Alternatively, she may be like you, but fighting, desperately, to remain exclusively heterosexual.
In that case, she may (or may not) eventually, go with her internal desires. Should you devote more than friendship to the wait?

I do not know the answers. Only as time goes by, will the answers be revealed to you.

JEM

[Fuzzled_one]

I suspect that she is ok associating with bi/gay people in a friendly manner provided she is not in a close friendship with them. I suspect that you established a (too close) friendship that was to far inside her comfort level with bi/gay people. So, if you want her keep friendship, I you probably need to slowly change her comfort zone.
Will this allow you to have a physical relationship?
Should you let her know that independent of your sexuality, you have no desire to make her uncomfortable and would happily settle for her friendship, if she does not want anything more?

Alternatively, she may be like you, but fighting, desperately, to remain exclusively heterosexual.
In that case, she may (or may not) eventually, go with her internal desires. Should you devote more than friendship to the wait?

I do not know the answers. Only as time goes by, will the answers be revealed to you.

JEM

I really dont have a clue as to why she is being like this, the points you have made are very valid, and something in which i have considered, however ive heard the reason that she is being like due to me talking to them (mates) about it, is because she is afraid of what true feelings she does have. I just dont get how you can go from such close friends, to feeling like crap, getting ignored, and finally realising what kind of person she really is. I havent been in touch with her for a while, and im dreading seeing her on friday night when she will come into my work. Im just unsure how to adress the situation, my friends are proud of how im handling it though, guess thats a plus.

[jem_is_bi]

I hope all goes better that you fear. In my experience, our fears are almost always much worse that reality. However, do not be a doormat, if she causes you trouble. If you have a bad Friday, then try to make sure you have a great Saturday.
But, at the same time, regardless of how she treats you, if you take the high road through difficult times, then, overall, your life will be much more pleasant.


JEM

[Fuzzled_one]

Its so strange that someone who i had such strong feelings for, and had a great friendship with, has suddenly without word, or explanation drifted out of my life, i know on friday it will be fine, you see im working. Talking to my other workmate he had said its gone back to the way it was when we werent friends, when it was just "hello". He says its very weird.

Ive got great support from my best friend too, in which she has said that im handling it very well, and im proud of myself too...i am tempted to ask her if things are ok, yet i want her to come to me. Very difficult situation, nice that im recognising other people who are interested in me though...

[ohbimale]

I think your friend keeps her other gay/bi friends at a distance. Although she acknowledges them she does not associate with them like she did with you. Now she is unsure of her own judgement of you, others and herself. This why I think she is not replying to messages and not speaking. I would give her a thinking of you card, expressing your desire to maintain the friendship. Then leave it to her to respond and begin things anew.

[Fuzzled_one]

I think your friend keeps her other gay/bi friends at a distance. Although she acknowledges them she does not associate with them like she did with you. Now she is unsure of her own judgement of you, others and herself. This why I think she is not replying to messages and not speaking. I would give her a thinking of you card, expressing your desire to maintain the friendship. Then leave it to her to respond and begin things anew.

Im not really sure how a card would go down, although i guess words are my best bet, especially if she isnt replying to my messages (in which i stopped 3 days ago) I guess she is taking into consideration of what im really like, however im a lil worried she is analysing all that has gone on between us, we were very close, and now, well now its like we havent or will ever be friends, just mixed signals, its all a little to confussing for me.

[seafer]

Ok so ever since i told one of my friends im bi (just happens to be my crush and is 34) she has gone quite weird about it, i didnt mention i liked her though. Her reply was one in which she couldnt relate but that she had her suspisions i was, i just want to know, do i continue to not have any contact with her, or do i go up to her and ask what the problem is. I dont want to loose her as a mate, but im worried...

If I were you Id just walk up to her and ask whats up.. she basically has two choices.. deal with it and stay your friend, or let the friendship go. I think she would be crazy to do that, but hey, there are some people out there that actually would give up a friendship due to the other person's prefernce.. stupid?yes, but true.. Good luck..

[Fuzzled_one]

If I were you Id just walk up to her and ask whats up.. she basically has two choices.. deal with it and stay your friend, or let the friendship go. I think she would be crazy to do that, but hey, there are some people out there that actually would give up a friendship due to the other person's prefernce.. stupid?yes, but true.. Good luck..


Yes well its a bit hard when im a lil scared of her too, i guess i could go up to her, even talk to her on the phone, will see how she is tomorrow, as i will see her then. Her choice has become clear that she is having issues with it, its just quite hard not to talk to her and get no response its been nearly a week. Bit hard to get used too. It occured to me that obviously she has a problem with being to close to people who are bi or gay, yet it was so different before i had told her, i just dont understand how she thinks im any different, cause im not...i felt as though she had a right to know, hence the reason i told her. Is it cause they are scared of what feelings they may have, so dont get too close, cause im having trouble coming to grips with what the "problem" is?

[coyotedude]

I'm a lousy armchair psychologist, Fuzz. But for what it's worth, here are my :2cents: ....

You haven't changed, Fuzz; you are still the same person you were before you shared this little tidbit with your friend. But your friend's view of you obviously has shifted - significantly.

My suspicion is that she believes you have a sexual or romantic interest in her, and that likely makes her uncomfortable. Whether she's uncomfortable because she's straight or because she's bi or lesbian and in the closet is an interesting question. But either way, she's clearly not comfortable with the whole situation.

I think that you have to walk a fine line, Fuzz. It's important to let her know that you value the friendship. But I also think you need to be careful not to push too hard or too fast. If she is uncomfortable with the idea of a romantic relationship, then pushing too hard could make her even more apt to break the friendship. (Now how you strike that balance.... well, that's a question I have no answers for, I'm afraid.)

Hoping for the best....

Peace

[Fuzzled_one]

I'm a lousy armchair psychologist, Fuzz. But for what it's worth, here are my :2cents: ....

You haven't changed, Fuzz; you are still the same person you were before you shared this little tidbit with your friend. But your friend's view of you obviously has shifted - significantly.

My suspicion is that she believes you have a sexual or romantic interest in her, and that likely makes her uncomfortable. Whether she's uncomfortable because she's straight or because she's bi or lesbian and in the closet is an interesting question. But either way, she's clearly not comfortable with the whole situation.

I think that you have to walk a fine line, Fuzz. It's important to let her know that you value the friendship. But I also think you need to be careful not to push too hard or too fast. If she is uncomfortable with the idea of a romantic relationship, then pushing too hard could make her even more apt to break the friendship. (Now how you strike that balance.... well, that's a question I have no answers for, I'm afraid.)

Hoping for the best....

Peace

Well you have done well to describe what is initially going on, and i do believe she is uncomfortable with it...she analyses things people tell her, as she has told me this. My question is, how do i let her know i value the friendship without pushing her away, and even giving her the wrong idea? Ive been told i have been thinking way to much about her not being in touch, but it isnt the same, not like how it was before i told her...i know her, well at least i thought i did...i thank you all for your support and encouraging words, i will keep you posted on this as i will see her tomorrow, wish me luck!

[Fuzzled_one]

Well i saw her last night, she came in, i said hi, then went out to work. I had to initiate the conversation, yet there wasnt hardly any of that. Now how i said about her being weird, well when she was their, she didnt do anything for our displays (as she does that for her job) and stayed for 10mins, now im unsure if she came in to say hi or what?! So i went up to her and said that i had a good week, blah blah. That i pretty much passed my teaching practice, and she asked when do i finish, i said another week, i asked her about how the smoking was going, and she said "ok, i had 3 yesterday and 1 today". She said congrats on doing a great job teaching practice, said thanks, and then she said ill see you on monday. In which i wont, cause ill be at teaching practice. I didnt even say goodbye. Now i had been good the whole week, no txts nothing, was SO hard, then about 2hrs after she left, the idiot i am txt her to say do you wanna go for coffee on sunday as it would be nice to catch up. No reply nothing, im very annoyed, and even more so wondering what ive done wrong, which is nothing, is it? Everyone has said to just leave it, let her come to me, but i dont want to, im so a person to confront what the issue is, i think im scared of the reaction?

[NorthBiEast]

I have a friend that I have known for a long time (since the 5th grade, actually). She's never come right out and said that she's not straight, but I'm 100% certain that she's had a crush on me for a long time. (I'm not even remotely interested in her that way, just as friends) It's like the elephant in the room, until she decides to mention it, we're fine, but when she does, I'll admit, I may act like your friend is doing for a little while, just to figure out how this changes the dynamic between us.

I'm wondering if your friend is just trying to figure out for herself how she wants things to go.
:2cents:

[Fuzzled_one]

I have a friend that I have known for a long time (since the 5th grade, actually). She's never come right out and said that she's not straight, but I'm 100% certain that she's had a crush on me for a long time. (I'm not even remotely interested in her that way, just as friends) It's like the elephant in the room, until she decides to mention it, we're fine, but when she does, I'll admit, I may act like your friend is doing for a little while, just to figure out how this changes the dynamic between us.

I'm wondering if your friend is just trying to figure out for herself how she wants things to go.
:2cents:

I guess thats true, i mean can you tell me how you feel about it, i mean i want to know if it can be fixed, if i should leave it, or just be there, i dont wanna lose her as a friend but the way its going, im starting to not like her...really difficult to deal with, it was never a subject before she knew, we were "normal", and now there is something there in which is slowly tearing away at the friendship...

[Herbwoman39]

When I told my best friend of 10 years that I'm Bi, she totally freaked and didn't speak to me for three months. Things are almost back to the way they were before. We don't talk about it, which is odd because her middle daughter is Bi and my friend has told her that I am to be her advisor in all things bisexual. Sometimes you just need to give people more room.

Good luck hon. Keep your chin up.

[Fuzzled_one]

When I told my best friend of 10 years that I'm Bi, she totally freaked and didn't speak to me for three months. Things are almost back to the way they were before. We don't talk about it, which is odd because her middle daughter is Bi and my friend has told her that I am to be her advisor in all things bisexual. Sometimes you just need to give people more room.

Good luck hon. Keep your chin up.

Three months? Really??? Im not sure if i could handle that, although i will say im slowly getting over her...how do you feel about giving advice to her daughter? Why do you think she freaked out? My friends have said that she's the one with the problem, and if she isnt mature enough, or cant be you're friend still because of it, then she needs to deal with it, and i need to move on. Very hard to though, and painful, i feel like i've done something wrong :(