Feeling Terribly Lost

[Remetan]

A long time ago I realized I am bisexual. I ignored it before I got married. I'm female, he's male. I told myself it was just crushes on specific girls. And besides, it wasn't terribly important that I might be attracted to girls while in a committed, hetero relationship.

The last several years, my attraction to women has gotten stronger, my fantasies have grown to include women, my crushes on women have become more and more frequent.

It has kinda been all fun and games 'til now. I don't remember coming out to my husband. I only know eventually we were both checking out women together. We've joked infrequently of having a threesome.

Several things happened, like a domino effect, in the last couple of months.

First, I realized I really really wanted to try an intimate relationship with a woman. The girls I played with before were bicurious straight girls who let me do all the work. Being unsure and going through periods of heavy doubt happened frequently after this.

Then, I met this great girl. Gorgeous. Before when I had told my husband about my crushes, he would meet them and then we would both talk about how cute they were. He doesn't like this one. At all. He's taken to calling her "my affair". You know, he'll say things like "So how is your affair today?".

Then, a couple of weeks ago, he told me, in a conversation about another friend we think might be a closeted bi, that he wouldn't be worried if he found himself attracted to another man, and that it might be something he would like to persue.

Yesterday, I realized I am well down the path of being in love with this woman.

I'm confused. I'm terrified. And mostly, I don't want to hurt or lose him. I know I need to talk to him about my own sexuality, and now after typing this, I feel like he is trying to tell me that he sorta knows, but is giving me mixed messages about the type of support I will recieve.

Anybody have any advice?

Being safely in a committed hetero relationship is a whole lot different than walking down the path my mind has been taking me.

Oh, we've been married 8.5 years.

I just don't know what to do.

[flexuality]

First...welcome to the site. :)

Sounds like you two need to talk.

When it comes to talking for me and my husband....we learned a lot from the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus"....just makes communicating so much better.

There's a website too...

www.marsvenus.com

[Tingly_Tickles]

Well since this is my first post here I will say hello to you and all the members
and I will add this, as my first post should be a good one.

I agree completely with flexuality you two need to talk otherwise you might not
like the outcome of the situation.
I also feel that love itself is uncontrollable and I'll use myself as an example, I
was first in love with my now ex boyfriend when I met the woman who stole my
heart away.
She is by all means the best choice that I could have made in my life period and
I for one am the happiest that I think anyone could be with life and a healthy
relationship with my wife, and all it took was just love that brought us together
and has since kept us both happy and still in love.

By some chance if the love that you and your husband share isn't as strong as
it used to be talking it out will help lift some of that weight off your chest and
could possibly even lead to a more fulfilling relationship between the two (or
three) of you if you take it there.

Sorry if that might sound crazy but I believe love will last through anything
that can be thrown at it no matter what it is.

I hope you receive many more helpful replies as I'm not exactly sure if mine
will help you or not but it might so good luck with your relationship and I wish
you well on your journey through life you only get one chance at it.

[biwords]

Welcome to the site (you too, Tingly).

I agree that you need to talk with your husband, and all the more so if you think you're receiving mixed signals.

Otherwise, it's tough to advise you, since it's not clear from your post whether you love, or are in love with, your husband at this point -- which probably makes a difference. Also, it's not clear what you mean by 'in love' since the only thing you say about the lady friend is that she's 'gorgeous'. If it's mostly an infatuation with her looks, maybe that's not worth endangering a nearly nine-year marriage over? But again, without more info, it's tough to advise...

[Remetan]

You're absolutely right. I suppose I took it as a matter of course that people would assume I love my husband.

The way I feel about him is incredibly comfortable. Aside from the whole "I really really really like this other girl and would like to make love to her" he and I talk about just about everything. And sometimes when I watch him, my chest hurts or my groin heats up, and I want to cry or make love to him right then. He makes me laugh really really hard. He holds me when I cry.

She is sexy in a really off-beat way, and it's not just because of her physical package, and from the moment I met her it was like our souls connected in a way I have never felt with someone before. We love the same authors, we're both writers and have the ability to be really raw and open and honest with each other. And every time I see her I want to climb inside of her, or pull her inside of me. We get each other's glances.

What is that, the difference between new love and old love? It's what it feels like.

Thanks, by the way, all of you, for offering me advice. Let me know if I can clear anything else up.

[creative_ly_inclined]

I have been through a similar experience, and wanted to let you know that my failure to communicate early enough, and to take things as slowly as would be safe for a complex set of dynamics, ended up hurting my spouse and driving away the woman I was attracted to... into another woman's arms no less.

From this perspective of hindsight, I would say the letting things just happen approach was just my form of not fully taking responsibility for my actions.

If I were to do it all over again, I would do the groundwork, and involve a councellor during those key communication break-downs when a rule that would make my spouse safe was making me feel like I was cutting part of me off.

It was wrong for me to assume anyone's boundaries were ok or were not ok: mine, my spouse's or the woman that is no longer in my life. These are things people need to actively and openly define.

My experience. Perhaps you can learn from it.
You will definitely need to do it all your own way ;)
In the meantime, I suggest trying to have some fun learning more about what you thought you already knew.

[arana]

Since I can't add to the advice that hasn't already been stated I just wanted to welcome you both Remetan and Tingly to the site!

Good luck Remetan!!!!

[BreeIsMe]

Welcome,
I would agree with everyone else.
You need to talk to your husband about what you are feeling and lean on him to "help" you make your decisions. I am assuming you still want to stay in your relationship so to include him is the only real way to do that long term. From what you say, he may be very open to the idea and it is important to stress to him how you feel about him and how this other part of you doesn't affect your feelings for him. I know it is difficult and believe me I am not one who finds it easy to discuss these issues with others, but it is best if you do.
Again, welcome and I hope your find this site and warm, affectionate and therapeutic as I do.
Bree

[FalconAngel]

We haven't read through all of the responses, but this one will probably mirror theirs;

Talk to your husband. Be honest about everything. Your feelings, your fears, your devotion to keeping your marriage together and him in your heart and bed, but also explain, as best you can, your feelings for these women and sit down together and devise a plan to work things out that both of you can live with. Keep those plans open to modification as you both get used to things and see where it takes you.

And if your hubby has any questions that you can't answer, then send him here to post and ask us all here about them. We are certain that there will be plenty of folks who can help you both sort through things and get it all sorted out so that you both understand things.

Also it seems, from what you have said, that he may be trying to tell you (in a very subtle way) that he is either Bi or Bi-curious. There are tons of folks here that can help him understand that as well, if it is the case.

[Remetan]

You guys are all awesome, and I can't thank you enough for the feedback. I told him about my bisexual issues tonight. It took a long time, and I skirted around the issue for a while. He would let me say stuff, then answer succinctly and honestly. Then we would sit quietly, and we would talk about something else. Laugh and kiss, then sit quietly again. Until I asked another question.

I finally got around to how he felt about my sexuality. He said it was fine with him. That it didn't really affect him. But I disagreed, gently. Said I felt as though it bothered him when I told him about my crushes. He said it does, but that he deals with it. I wasn't sure what to say, then, so I caressed and kissed him. Told him I loved him. Then we sat in silence for a little while longer.

Finally, I took a short bathroom break, and came back and told him I needed to tell him something. I told him about the struggles I had been having the last couple of years, the problems I had been having with my sexuality. The guilt I felt when I was so attracted to these other women, wanted to know what it was like to have an intimate relationship when I was so in love with him. I told him about how scared I was of hurting him. I cried, a lot.

He wiped my tears and said, "Honey, they're crushes. We all get them. You can't be married as long as we have and not be curious. You're not cheating by thinking about it. And I know you love me."

Then we had a really open conversation about sex, and fantasy, and experimentation. And he told me that he had sorta been attracted to guys sometimes, but that it wasn't the same as how I felt about girls and he knew it. I told him about this site, and showed it to him. And told him if he ever got curious about bisexuality of wanted to know what it was like for those of us who are, he could come here and ask questions. Then, while we were talking about fantasy, I told him about the one I had about being with him and another woman, broaching the topic, you know.

He said he heard that could get really ugly, for everyone involved. I told him I had heard that too, but that there was this polyamoury site I had been checking out, and they had some really good information about all the risks involved, and how you could go about doing it safer. Then I showed him that site.

Then I let it drop and we went and surfed porn together. For the first time ever.

We talked about investing in toys, and how we had both thought about it. We'd never talked about that before. We talked about a lot of things.

Mostly, I feel like he and I are now closer than we have ever been, and like he is going to be so much of a support if I do decide I want to try being with another woman. Not that he'll be open to the act, but he'll be open to me talking about it.

I kinda heart this site a lot now. And I know, as things develop, I'll be back here a lot.

Thank you all so much.

~reme

[flexuality]

Reme,

That is so awesome that you 2 were able to talk. From the sounds of your post, it seems like it opened up some other doors too. :tong:

[Tingly_Tickles]

Yea you have to love when things just work out for the best and everyone
can be happy, if I could add since he has been a little curious about guys
maybe try to ease him into it by asking first off you always want to ask first
trust me, but see if maybe he wants to try playing around with toys on him
cause you never know he might enjoy it then you two could have way more
fun together.

Cheers hope everything works out perfectly the way you want it.

[Remetan]

Funny you brought that up. It's part of the conversation we had tonight. I heart you all.

[Remetan]

And as one day turns to another. I had a date with J today, she's the crush. We made plans to go to the farmer's market and by plant starts then bring them back and plant them in my yard. We did, it was awesome.

W, my hubby came home, and the three of us hung out. She had to go home, she works early, and he and I sat down to dinner.

He asks, very sweetly, "How's the crush, mellowing out?"

And I said, "Yeah, getting a lot less extreme, but still very much present."

He smiled, we at for a while.

Then he says, very smugly, "Well, she doesn't have the pokey parts, anyhow." And grins.

I had an instant mental jaw drop. Did he mean what I thought he meant? So, I asked, you know, to clarify.

"The pokey parts?" says I.

"Yeah," he says, "the boy parts."

Extreme confusion, didn't we just have a wonderful conversation about my bisexuality 24 hours ago?

"But honey," I said, gently buy decisively, "that's a part of the whole being bisexual. I'm not only interested in the boy parts. I like the girl parts, too."

And I watched a wall go up behind his eyes.

I guess I still have a long way to go to communicate with him.

[biwords]

Rem, you and your husband both sound pretty special. Congratulations on getting the dialogue going!

[ohbimale]

Based on the posts here by you it sounds like you and your husband have a special relationship. You have opened up the communication lines and both of you need to keep them open.

The feelings you have for "J" are normal. Human beings have the capacity to love more than one person at a time. It is societal contraints that cause us to believe otherwise.

Take things slowly. Involve your husband with an outing or two to do stuff, like buy plants. This will help you determine if the three of you can get along together.

Continue to reassure your husband that you love him. This will help him to feel comfortable. The invisible wall behind his eyes you spoke of is because he feels threatened by "J".

Set boundries with each other. Boundries that can not be crossed without each others mutual agreement.

I wish you and your husband the best, and may you both grow through this experience.
:flag3: :male:

[b1s3xu4l]

Some time ago I had almost these same conversations with my wife. There was not a J involved, but I remember the "wall behind the eyes." There's knowing, and then there's understanding. It is not exactly just being a horn-dog either, though the supression of such a big part of my being does ratchet up the desire, ironically and bedevilishly. It is as if I am 100% and 100% rather than fifty-fifty, the two sexualities don't preclude each other like oil and water but rather exist completely, wholly, and at the same time. And I feel inadvertantly, compulsorily, arbitrarily made celebate in that whole facet of my being. I hope this all works out well for you, R, and I look forward to reading about it if you'll be so kind.




And as one day turns to another. I had a date with J today, she's the crush. We made plans to go to the farmer's market and by plant starts then bring them back and plant them in my yard. We did, it was awesome.

W, my hubby came home, and the three of us hung out. She had to go home, she works early, and he and I sat down to dinner.

He asks, very sweetly, "How's the crush, mellowing out?"

And I said, "Yeah, getting a lot less extreme, but still very much present."

He smiled, we at for a while.

Then he says, very smugly, "Well, she doesn't have the pokey parts, anyhow." And grins.

I had an instant mental jaw drop. Did he mean what I thought he meant? So, I asked, you know, to clarify.

"The pokey parts?" says I.

"Yeah," he says, "the boy parts."

Extreme confusion, didn't we just have a wonderful conversation about my bisexuality 24 hours ago?

"But honey," I said, gently buy decisively, "that's a part of the whole being bisexual. I'm not only interested in the boy parts. I like the girl parts, too."

And I watched a wall go up behind his eyes.

I guess I still have a long way to go to communicate with him.

[Remetan]

Crapitty crappity crap crap. Crap.

I kissed her. Crap. I kissed her a lot. Last night. Crap. Then she and I talked today and decided to take all that stuff and shove it in a box and bury it in the garden. For a while. We are going to not spend as much time together. I can't figure this out with her as a distraction and temptation.

I feel terrible. I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like I need to punish myself somehow. I feel like crying.

What do I do? I can't tell him. I can't. And I was doing so well. Stupid decision, Rem. Really dumb.

Crap. Anyone else ever feel like sitting down for a serious self-flagellation session, and not in a fun way?

[truelove201]

You guys are all awesome, and I can't thank you enough for the feedback. I told him about my bisexual issues tonight. It took a long time, and I skirted around the issue for a while. He would let me say stuff, then answer succinctly and honestly. Then we would sit quietly, and we would talk about something else. Laugh and kiss, then sit quietly again. Until I asked another question.

I finally got around to how he felt about my sexuality. He said it was fine with him. That it didn't really affect him. But I disagreed, gently. Said I felt as though it bothered him when I told him about my crushes. He said it does, but that he deals with it. I wasn't sure what to say, then, so I caressed and kissed him. Told him I loved him. Then we sat in silence for a little while longer.

Finally, I took a short bathroom break, and came back and told him I needed to tell him something. I told him about the struggles I had been having the last couple of years, the problems I had been having with my sexuality. The guilt I felt when I was so attracted to these other women, wanted to know what it was like to have an intimate relationship when I was so in love with him. I told him about how scared I was of hurting him. I cried, a lot.

He wiped my tears and said, "Honey, they're crushes. We all get them. You can't be married as long as we have and not be curious. You're not cheating by thinking about it. And I know you love me."

Then we had a really open conversation about sex, and fantasy, and experimentation. And he told me that he had sorta been attracted to guys sometimes, but that it wasn't the same as how I felt about girls and he knew it. I told him about this site, and showed it to him. And told him if he ever got curious about bisexuality of wanted to know what it was like for those of us who are, he could come here and ask questions. Then, while we were talking about fantasy, I told him about the one I had about being with him and another woman, broaching the topic, you know.

He said he heard that could get really ugly, for everyone involved. I told him I had heard that too, but that there was this polyamoury site I had been checking out, and they had some really good information about all the risks involved, and how you could go about doing it safer. Then I showed him that site.

Then I let it drop and we went and surfed porn together. For the first time ever.

We talked about investing in toys, and how we had both thought about it. We'd never talked about that before. We talked about a lot of things.

Mostly, I feel like he and I are now closer than we have ever been, and like he is going to be so much of a support if I do decide I want to try being with another woman. Not that he'll be open to the act, but he'll be open to me talking about it.

I kinda heart this site a lot now. And I know, as things develop, I'll be back here a lot.

Thank you all so much.

~reme
:female: Reme I just read through this and it brought me to tears. It could not have hit more closely to home than this for me with the exception that my husband is the one with the stronger desire. I'm so glad to have found this site. It's so nice to know that there are other people out there that are living through this and staying together. We love eachother madly as well and have 3 kids that are too small to be involved in this and we so want to stay together. Reading about your struggle gives me so much hope. Thank you so much!

[biwords]

Crapitty crappity crap crap. Crap.

I kissed her. Crap. I kissed her a lot. Last night. Crap. Then she and I talked today and decided to take all that stuff and shove it in a box and bury it in the garden. For a while. We are going to not spend as much time together. I can't figure this out with her as a distraction and temptation.

I feel terrible. I feel absolutely horrible. I feel like I need to punish myself somehow. I feel like crying.

What do I do? I can't tell him. I can't. And I was doing so well. Stupid decision, Rem. Really dumb.

Crap. Anyone else ever feel like sitting down for a serious self-flagellation session, and not in a fun way?

I think it's called 'being human'. It may well be the right decision not to spend time with her at present if she's a distraction and a temptation, I don't know. But if you can possibly do so, be as kind to yourself as you would be to a valued friend who was going through what you're going through. It's not an easy situation, and you'll need to deal with it with all the strength and calm you can -- so, not forgiving yourself for what may have been a slip in judgment can only undermine you. I know that all this is more easily said than done, but it's true nonetheless.

[julie]

...i'm with biwords...

...give him time eh Rem... you started this thread on May 15, made huge progress together on the 16th and on the 17th he took a step back and non-verbally gave you the 'too much information' signal... not a huge surprise really :cool:

...he has made huge steps forward in just a few days. now he needs/deserves time to absorb just how deep this goes for you. you have been trying to make sense of your sexuality from before you two were married... don't be too disheartened that its your turn to be patient now whilst he processes all this stuff and the impact it will be having on your marriage and future lives together....

...he may be angry or hurt or overwhelmed by all this information. i'd be amazed if he wasn't. especially if he accesses the site and reads about how your relationship with this woman has progressed.

...he will work his way through this... just try to let him take it at his own pace if you possibly can. your relationship sounds truly amazing, you know, just cherish what you do share.

...day at a time eh, n remember you have named the 'elephant in the room' ....now its time for you to to work out quite what to do about it!

...with so much love to you both

...julie x

[innaminka]

I think there is heavy waters ahead.
I read and re-read your post and what comes through is that this time you have passed the stage of playing, which appeared to be acceptable to your husband, into love.
It doesn't matter a whit if the person you are falling for is male, female, black white, brindle or Galloping Calathumpian.
You are falling in love.
And how exactly right it is that your husband does not like this person; inwardly, he probably sensed that she was different.

Tackle this the way any couple would when love intervenes - talk about it with your husband. Talk about it with your lover.
Talk, talk talk!
Lay your feelings bare.
Love - and I mean love (as opposed to lust) can be a real marriage-breaker, and I gather from your post its not what you want.

You may have to make a decision here
Your situation is exactly the psoition I was in a few years ago. Mrs Experience here!

Best wishes, and I hope it works out.

[sailorashore]

Reme~~
I have been away from the site for awhile, but I have been, on and off, enough of a regular to start by bidding you a warm welcome.
I have read your thread with interest, and my heart goes out to you. I am not married, but just about the time I first joined this site, and began to seriously explore my attraction to men, I met a woman with whom I have become close partners. We spent last summer falling in love while cruising in Alaska in my boat, then went our seperate ways over the winter as she could not begin to accept my bisexuality, and felt threatened even by my participation in this website, and I would not give her the committment to monogamy that she needed.
She is currently across the country, assisting her daughter with a new baby, the daughter's first, and will return in August. We have been on the phone together a lot, and I have given her the promise of fidelity that she requires, because I care for her and don't want to lose her.
I have limited my participation in this, and other, websites, by way of keeping my promise, but I cannot help but feel that I am cutting off a part of myself that is important, and with which I was just beginning to get acquainted.
I feel the bind you are in, though I personaly have never been able to make any relationship last eight years--too much time spent away at sea doesn't make for stable domestic life. I think you are on the right track, and that many of us here can relate very well to the challenges you face. I agree with those above, communication is the most important tool you have, and you mustn't let it languish. You may have some very tough decisions to make, but you are not alone. Let the people here be a resource and a sounding board, and find strength in their humanity.
Good luck, and may your way go well.

sailor

[richarddennis]

The more games you play, the more you keep your husband in the dark, the less possibility of anything positive coming from this "fling".

Falling in love with the first person you've had an interest in years is little more than infatuation and longing to have someone that will fill in the gaps of your psyche...

Communications will be your best friend, like it or not, confronting our wants/needs/responses will always be our attitude, it's really the only thing we have ANY control of.

You'll either learn to talk or your relationship[s]will fade quicker than you can say "oops".

Have patience, learn to converse, reality is full of truth, games are full of denial...

While our expectations are impatient at best, our goals will be attained with much patience...

[truelove201]

For me the scary part in all this is the potential for more to develope than you bargained for. You can't plan on feelings...they just happen. Opening up those floods gates is taking that chance. I fear that if I let him experiment he may enjoy that more and decide hey look what I've been missing out on and choose to start a new relationship. We can tell our heads anything we want but our hearts can sometimes speak louder.

How does one keep themselves from developing feelings? :(