My story

[Netai]

Hello, I'm Netai, 18 years old Finnish art -spirit female.

I have been dating my ex (guy) for 4 years, and we broke up about 2 weeks ago.

I met a girl in a bar, and I wanted her in that very second I saw her. (Atm I was taken) We had this unusual connection, and during the night I found out she was lesbian. At the end of the night, she was going home, she said to me: If you wasn't straight and engaged, I'd definetly be interrested, and then she just smilet to me and left.

At the same night at home I cried after her, thinking never feel that kind of connection again.

So.. after the night I met her, we had been contact by txt messages and msn and in other way in internet byt not seeing each other. We had so much fun in the night at the inet together when my fiance was sleeping and knowing nothing about what was coming.

for 2 weeks I couldn't sleep or eat, just think of her. We had gone bad in my common-law marriage for pretty long time and had bee trying to work it out for too long time.

Then I made my mind and left my fiance and start to explore everything life has to offer me and stop playing correct, straight little fiance, because I've been thinkin about my sexuality for many years, and I only live once.

The brake up was so hard for me, it still is, but it helped to have something else in my mind at the emotional way than jus out brake up.

We kept contact and flirted with each other and I was falling for her more and more, she was beautiful, sexy, fun, smart.. everything.

But then something happened. Next time we met there was her ex-girlfriend too, and suddenly they startes kissing. We had have our little thing to ourselves, so there was nothing I could do but swallow my tears and act normal. After what happened I got myself very very drunk (I got a tiny problem with alcohol) and sended her a pissed off message: If you were so fucking into your ex you could of tell me so I hadn't waste my time for you.

But her ex saw the txt message I sended and they had huge fight because of that and she said me it's over.

I was so broken, because I was so into her and she was in to me, she said so.. but she hasn't got over about her ex. So she said me to get lost and all she wanted was her ex back, and that was impossible if she continue having this thing with me.

There's nothing against each other between me and the ex, we were so mad at her for some time, but now I'm willing to forgive her.

We have been contact again, jokes and other frienly stuff, but I know she still wants her ex back, but the ex said she did not want her back. (what was the kissing about?)

I am a diva, independed, beautifus, successfull.. Totally icequeen. It's allways had been me who says no but now..

I'm lost, I'm totally crushed to her. I'd allmost crowl to her if she asked me to!

But, I don't want anything serious with her because I'm still messed uf about the brake up with my ex fiance.. I'm totaly messed up

What should I do? HELP me, my heart is broken and I've lost my self respect

I'll tell you more if you just ask

(I'm sorry about bad typing and all)

[onewhocares]

First I should like to welcome you to this site. We have people from around the world and I have found this site to be a place of great comfort and of joy.
I wish I had words to comfort you in this time of confusion. I guess you must look within your heart and you will know what the right road to take will be. I am always here to listen if you wish to talk.

Belle

[billy_campbell]

I agree with onewhocares, good advice. Try not to get too hung up over this person. Sounds like maybe you got in between some issues with the other two. Don't let that turn you sour on relationships with others especially with same sex relationships. Talk with folks in here and they will help you throught this. :)

[Azrael]

I really have no idea what to tell you, but I understand where you're coming from. Here's a little diatribe about something that happened to me, not that you asked. Ok. I was in a 2 and a half year relationship with a girl I almost married. A lot of stuff went down in that period, including her cheating on me with my best friend at the time. I should have split with her then but I loved her so fucking much that I just swallowed all the fury until it almost destroyed me. So I finally broke up with her. Before I made the final decision I took a few days to myself, drove up to Ocala, got a hotel room and spent most of the time trying to hash out the whole messed up situation. I came to realize that she made me feel like shit about myself and I couldn't do it anymore. On the drive back, I stopped on I-75 around the Mango exit and helped a randon guy change a flat. He was really grateful as was his father who was with him. He gave me his card and said, "gimme a call, I owe you a beer". We got to talking about karma and we really clicked. I was batshit manic at the time. So I broke up with my ex, which was a really ugly scene, especially cause we lived together. I felt like an intruder in my own apartment. So I said fuck it and called him up. Met him at a little Italian place called the Laughing Cat (*th ave and 15th st, ybor, highly recommended". He bought be a lovely pasta dinner and proceeded to spoil me rotten. (he was a fucking beautiful 27 year old vietnamese architect). We (him and a girl he worked with) parted ways around 10:30 that night. I called him on the way home and he gave me directions to his place. We really clicked like I can't even describe. That night, he gave me a killer back massage with some tiger balm and we talked about our families mostly. How people like us make our own families. Nothing sexual happened save a single kiss right before I left. We had both just had a nasty break up and it was a beautiful thing. A fucked up person healing another fucked up person. Here's where the plot thickens. His ex text messages him. He looks at me and says, He's outside and he thinks we're fucking. That blew over, I left and went back to my grind. Then things got really ugly at home, some nights I didn't sleep, I just drove all night with nowhere to go. One night I passed by his house, the light was on and I figured I'd take a chance. I tap on his window as he slept. His "ex" got up from behind him, and my world imploded. They let me in, fed me and I figured, fuck it, it's a place to sleep for the night. The whole night he had this "I'm sorry" face. It crushed me. Then I got a text from him telling me to lose his #.
I hadn't thought about this for a while until I was in Ybor last saturday night for a concert and I walked past the laughing cat. In that instant it all played back in my head and I almost cried right there in the middle of the street. Life can be such a hideous tease. :(

[darkeyes]

Keep your self respect Netai. Our early fumblings at love and sex make us all act a bit silly. God knows, at 18 I was in love every two weeks and always broken hearted. I had boy friends and girl friends with whom I was in love and then hated, was chased, caught and rejected, and I chased, caught and rejected. Was sometimes just rejected. Its not so long ago since I was 18, and embarrassingly, remember it so well. It is all a part of our finding out about ourselves, about sex, about relationships and about love.. about life.

It will happen again no doubt, but dont be afraid of it. In a few years it will be second nature and in the main you will know how to deal with it better. We are human beings. We all make fools of ourselves in matters love and matters sex. No matter what age we are. Bloody hell I have, and not so long ago either. But you know what?? Things happen to usually work out for the best in the end.

You will be fine sweetheart. But it is a real grind to have to cope with is it not?

[Netai]

Thank you for the good will for help <3

I read my text again and again (and noticed typos) and I realized what's the only way to get out of this mad confusing sitjuation.

It's good to know there's people who I can talk about these kind of feelings. I won't lose my self respect anymore, I'll keep the rest what's left and decided to try to forget her and the ex.. That tradegy is not for me and I even got in to it not knowing the whole sitjuation clearly.

My feelings are so wripped already and I will survive through this aswell and keep my mind to the future even if it hurts. Hurts so fucking badly.

Only talking about this all made me a little stronger. I'll build my strenght again with you <3

Thank you darkeyes, telling me to keep my self respect
Azrael thank you for sharing me your own experience
thank you billy_campbell fot telling me there is help for me
Onewhocares, warm welcome was just one of the thing I needed

haha emotional Finn is imagination, says our culture

[Azrael]

This is usually when I break out the Portishead or maybe Lori Carson.

[Netai]

Ahh how these lyrics fits in my sitjuation

Wicked Game

The world was on fire, no-one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
I'd never dreamed that I'd need somebody like you
And I'd never dreamed that I'd need somebody like you

No I don't wanna fall in love
this world is always gonna break your heart
No I don't wanna fall in love
this world is always gonna break your heart
..with you

What a wicked game to play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
To let me dream of you
What a wicked thing to say
You never felt this way
What a wicked thing you do
To make me dream of you

No I don't wanna fall in love
this world is always gonna break your heart
No I don't wanna fall in love
this world is always gonna break your heart
..with you

The world was on fire, no-one could save me but you
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do
No and I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you
I'll never dream that I lose somebody like you, no

Now I wanna fall in love
This world is always gonna break your heart
Now I wanna fall in lust
This world is always gonna break your heart
..with you

Nobody loves no-one

[Azrael]

This one always does it for me.
Avenged Sevenfold- I won't see you tonight pt. 1
'Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and loved

Building up inside of me
A place so dark, so cold, I had to set me free
Don't mourn for me,
You're not the one to place the blame
As bottles call my name I won't see you tonight

Sorrow sank deep inside my blood
All the ones around me
I cared for and most of all I loved
But I can't see myself that way
Please don't forget me or cry while I'm away

Cry alone, I've gone away
No more nights, no more pain
I've gone alone, took all my strength
But I've made the change,
I won't see you tonight

So far away, I'm gone.
Please don't follow me tonight
And while I'm gone everything will be alright

No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
No more breath inside
Essence left my heart tonight
*And Pt. 2*
Come back to me, this is unconceivable
Breaking apart the ones you love
Hate runs deep for what you've done to us
Left alone through suicide...suicide

I just want to die, take away my life
lay by your side, please...

Come back to me, this is unconceivable
Breaking apart the ones you love
Hate runs deep for what you've done to us
Left alone through suicide

Look at my face you pierce with a blank stare
No dream could prepare a heart for a lifeless friend.
He's gone. Nothing will take back time.
I need him back, but nothing will take back time.

I can see just fine with you in my life,
there by my side as it starts to fade
I know this can't be right, stuck in a dream
a nightmare full of sorrow

Nightmare - full of pain [x2]

I look back and see the twisted road
Best friends and despair took its toll

Take away [x4]

Sorrow, sank deep inside my blood
all the ones around me, I cared for
and most of all I loved
but I can't see myself that way
please don't forget me
or cry while I'm away

Look at my face you pierce with a blank stare
No dream could prepare a heart for a lifeless friend.
He's gone. Nothing will take back time.
I need him back, but nothing will take back time.

I can see just fine with you in my life,
there by my side as it starts to fade
I know this can't be right, stuck in a dream
a nightmare full of sorrow'


Yes, I'm well aware I'm a little emo-fag.

[BreeIsMe]

Hello Netai,
First welcome to our site.
Secondly, I need to understand a little more about you. You are now 18 but you have been in a common law marriage for 4 years? Does that mean you and your boyfriend have been involved since age 14?
Is that correct?
If this is correct, you have been with him and haven't been with others?

[elian]

It's great to find a site where so many people really care. I would say that at least you've HAD the experience now - instead of marrying right away and then possibly always wondering what it MIGHT be like to be with another woman.

The Kinsey report demonstrates that very few people are actually 100% straight or 100% gay - sexual/romantic feelings toward another person can depend on many circumstances - and they can vary with time.

Sorry you are having to go through such a hard time. As others here much more eloquently put - we all sort of fumble through sex and relationships at times..you aren't alone Netai.

[cottoncandy]

i know where your comeing fromand my answer is you do nothing you are at the point that if you go back its just gonna hurt more when she wants that ex back again i say leave it alone and find someone who excepts you for who you are :bibounce:

[Netai]

BreeIsMe:

This is anwer to your questions, thank you for caring <3

Well, I have been together with my ex fiance for 4 years, engaged for 2 years an in common law marriage for half a year. And yes we were 14 at the time we started dating, my first true love.

He is only one I've been in sexual contact more than kissing (Yes I've been loyal for 4 years)

Thank you elian and cottoncandy for your kind words.

I've decided to leave her alone and have no contact to her at all, but It's possible for us too see again because we share same friend, but I'll be then nice to her and won't cry or nothing like that.

She is so important to me because she made me think again my burried bisexuality and deal with it.

(And I need to focus my messed up cat who is missing him so much and find a cheaper place I have afford to live alone)

[Netai]

I told her to make sure to her jealous ex that she don't want me, only her. So why is it wrong then if we keep in touch? You're fun to know even in friendly way.

And that is the last message or anything she get's from me. I'll answer to her if she takes contact to me. If don't, that was it then.

I refuse to miss or think about her anymore, she's not my lvl for being like that.

HAH I'm getting old me back hahahah

...to be continued... (maybe haha)

(Fucking shit if she don't get to see my new expensive good lookin hair! damned!!) LOL :bigrin: