how do you deal with people spreading rumours about your husband's bisexuality?

[jackies]

So...I know some of you know my story...but if you don't here is the short version...

I found out in Nov. that my husband had a fling with a guy...not the whole shabang...but enough. I myself have same-sex attraction...I would say I am a 2 on Dr. Kinsey's scale. My husband knew this and still opted to not be honest with me about him.

This has been very difficult, but we are working it out in therapy and want to remain monogomous with some new fun sex habbits together.

The problem is the other guy was one of my former students (over 18) and we know that other ppl know. I feel like ppl are folding my dirty laundry and dancing with my skeletons while I am standing naked in a football field.

We work with kids, so you can imagine my fears.

What do I do if ppl start asking questions?

Help!!!!!!

[Herbwoman39]

There are two approaches you could take. One of them will make people more curious and confirm their suspicions. The other will simply confirm their suspicions and give them more to talk about. But with the second approach the talk won't last as long.

First option: Deny everything. Lie. Tell people the kid is lying. Unfortunately that's liable to horribly mess up his life. OR tell em to mind their own bloody business and bugger off.

Second option (always a winner in my book): Tell the truth. If someone asks you directly, tell them "Yes we're both bisexual". Including your own identity creates solidarity with your husband so that neither of you are out there alone.

I know you said you work with kids. High school age kids understand sexual preference a whole lot better than you might think and for many of them it is no big deal.

The ones to watch out for are the religious right.

Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

[biwords]

A third option is to answer "thank you for your interest, but that's private" or "thank you for your interest, but I don't answer intrusive questions either way, on principle".

[anne27]

You have my sympathy. You're in a tough situation. While kids may understand, parents won't. And everyone knows that gays and bisexuals are perverts not to be trusted around children, right? (sarcasm, folks, don't blow a gasket). People do get fired from such jobs just for their orientation.

If it were me and someone said something I'd say something like -

"People say all sorts of things." and let it go at that. I'd neither confirm or deny. It's no one's business, but the parties involved. Don't let people make it their business.

[swans]

I absolutly agree with Herbwoman39. The best approach is to tell the truth. Thats not to say you have to explain yourself and your husbands private life to anyone. Be brave- the more people admit to being bisexual the less it will be such a big deal. Look at how being gay used to be such a taboo a few years ago- now it is just excepted as a part of what makes us human. The same will apply to being bisexual. Hold your head up high and remain dignified knowing that you and your husband are certainly not alone.

I wish you both well.

[biwords]

If you answer intrusive and unwelcome questions about your sexuality, you are sending a signal to the questioner that such inquiries are acceptable, and therefore encouraging the questioner to violate other peoples' privacy as well. There are plenty of ways in which to 'bravely' further the acceptance of bisexuality, without encouraging cloddishness in others.

[arana]

Well first off if someone is crass enough to ask you about your personal sex life, they should have no problem telling you about theirs so ask away!

I think with people you know well and are comfortable with, Herbwoman's number #2 is a good answer. You shouldn't be afraid to be yourself and open if the circumstances are right. But if it's just any ole aquaintance or passerby, I don't think anything personal in your life is their business unless you choose to share it. At the same time I don't think lying or denying anything happend is good because there is some truth to it. With any gossip it's always blown way out of purportion and there's nothing you can really do about it. Your real friends will know what to believe and the rest of the community are going to gossip behind your back regardless....and those are the people that usually have worse things going on in their lives that they should be taking care of instead. Keep your chin up and give it time. It will pass eventually.

[BreeIsMe]

There isn't much you can do now but oif someone asks you, I would simply say:
"next question"

:2cents:

Bree

[nyabn_webmaster]

Well first off if someone is crass enough to ask you about your personal sex life, they should have no problem telling you about theirs so ask away!.

Great suggestion. LOL!

But given the delicate circumstances of your profession(s) maybe try deflecting with humor. Give them a long and peculiar look and say "why would you ask such a thing, were you hoping for an invitation?"

But more seriously, I must ask you. Do you have any reason to believe that your husbands partner in this fling is telling people about it? Or is it just your worry over the entire situation?

[jackies]

I know for a fact he has told people...one person in particular who is very catty and keeps hinting about it to others on myspace etc.

no fun...

[ohbimale]

I feel bad for both you and your husband. I agree with telling the truth, but without any detail. If the person(s) persist in asking questions you do not care to answer, look them in the eye and tell them something to the effect that it is none of their business. Some things should be private. I think it is time for the two of you to face this young man together and tell him to shut up. No one respects people who kiss and tell.

[spartca]

There is a very real risk that your husband will lose status because of a perceived loss of masculinity due to people's bigotry towards bisexual men.

As your husband loses status, so will his family. So you might want to consider carefully your next move.

I'm not saying any of this is right, but it seems to be the way of the world.

Moving to a more liberal area might be a good idea if you would like to minimize the effects of being out as bisexual.

[seafer]

There are two approaches you could take. One of them will make people more curious and confirm their suspicions. The other will simply confirm their suspicions and give them more to talk about. But with the second approach the talk won't last as long.

First option: Deny everything. Lie. Tell people the kid is lying. Unfortunately that's liable to horribly mess up his life. OR tell em to mind their own bloody business and bugger off.

Second option (always a winner in my book): Tell the truth. If someone asks you directly, tell them "Yes we're both bisexual". Including your own identity creates solidarity with your husband so that neither of you are out there alone.

I know you said you work with kids. High school age kids understand sexual preference a whole lot better than you might think and for many of them it is no big deal.

The ones to watch out for are the religious right.

Good luck and let us know how things turn out.

I agree with your second option. tell the truth. Im in Hospice and my husband is in Security. his boss found out by reading his page on myspace(another coworker talked him into getting a page) and at first they(everyone at work) was alittle uneasy. he just told them he was the same person they knew befor and he didn't do his thing at work, nore did he invite anyone.. at times they talk about it, he is very open. could you imagine what they all thought when he told them we had gotten married and I was too bi.. so funny..
mine on the other hand, well some past patients family memeber's know only because they have made passes. I turn them down teling them it inappropriate to do this at work. I work with terminally ill people..