Out Survey

[Brian]

Inquiring minds want to know... How far out of the closet are you?

- Drew :paw:

[wanderingrichard]

and the reason i'm not out to immediate family and co workers?? they are seriously adverse to any other thought train than knee jerk conservative hetero..plus, working where i work, even with a supposedly supportive and tolerant corporate policy on diversity, i'd be gone in a heartbeat if my co workers found out..my workplace is considered a remote site by my employer, and a lot of the "flagpole rules" just go out the window here..my truest and closest friends on the other hand, are totally supportive of me, without any hangups whatsoever with me being bi undefined

[Michael623]

Why is it necessary for anyone other than my wife to know what my sexual preference is?

[arana]

Maybe if everyone just wore a sign that said everything about them it'd be easier?

[Mrs.F]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F

[arana]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F

Good luck to you with your relationship. I'm sure it's been very hard for you since finding out about Flounder. I know it's been hard for my husband as he's the jealous type and says now he not only has to worry about men but women. He does trust me and is supportive as far as my being at the site to explore and learn. I hope that your trust is respected and in time everything between you both becomes the best it ever has.

Hugs,
Arana :tong:

[m.in.heels&hose]

this is kind of weird, i was going to make a new post about "if someone asked you if you were bi, how would you answer?

i am somewhat out, most of my neighbors and friends know (most, not all) but if they were to ask, i would tell them the truth, some have asked, (that i have known for years) and when i told them, i also reassured them just because they know, does not mean i have the "green light" to hit on them, i am not like thatand most have accepted this quite well!!!
thank you drew for starting this thread
i fell this can be a fun one as well as being a little on the "thought provoking" side too!

thanks for my :2cents: again
m.in.heels&hose :bounce:

[Bi-ten]

Hi all,

Mrs. F. God bless you for trying to understand and keep your marriage alive...I know the struggle you must be going through. I also know the most difficult thing I have ever done was to tell my wife. So please continue bring forgiveness into your heart.

As for how 'out' I am... I have chosen to tell three people. One is my closest and dearest friend, one is my wife, the other is my gay sister in law. I told my friend because I was terrified (at first), I needed to talk about it, and knew it might be horrible if my wife found out.

Later I realized that my wife had to know, no matter what...I could no longer live a lie, it would be unfair to both of us. I also told my sister in law because she was desperately trying to save our marriage when it was clear it could not be saved...my wife will never accept me as I am.

Since then my wife has told some friends and relatives either directly or indirectly. Some might say this is horrible...but I knew it was a possibility when I told her, and I am not angry. Funny enough many people have offered me acceptance, love and support...something I didnt expect...and either did she;)

Will I tell more people? Only those I care about. I will tell any partner I have in the future (man or woman), because there is always a chance we might fall in love, and I don't want to hide myself from them.

Finally, I will tell my children when they are old enough, because I want them to know that sexuality is a gift to be celebrated, not stashed away in a closet (like I did). I want them to be true to themselves nomatter what, and know that whomever they love is OK with me.

All the best to any potential outcommers. If you do it, make sure you have good reasons, its really suprizing what can happen.

Hugs

[rupertbare]

Sexuality is a big part of one's true "self" and therefore I strongly believe that it is important to share that information with dearly loved one's. I share my political views openly so why not my sexuality. Like all matters regarding "self" it is to whom one wishes to share the information that is important.

I have "shared" the fact that I am a bisexual male with my wife and, over a period of many years, several friends and work colleagues. Most have been fine about - a couple very negative - but I am still sure that I made the right decision in telling them.

My teenage daughter is also aware - but she seems to be a little troubled it - but then she's troubled by the fact that her parents are still sexually active at all!! lol!!!

Love and Peace

Rupe, UK.

[Mrs.F]

BI-TEN,

Are you saying your wife left you when she found out? I'm sorry to hear that. But, I do understand how she felt. I never had the feelings of kicking him out of leaving. I had the feelings of FEAR! My fear was I would/could never satisty him. When he was with me, was he thinking about being with a man also? I am havng alot of problems dealing with the unknown. I ask him questions about it and he swears up and down that I am enough for him and he will never do anything with anyone that I don't allow. WOW.....that makes me feel about an inch tall because, am I not letting him be happy by saying he can only be with me??? Somedays I wish I had never known and life went on as it was. It's been so hard. The funny thing is you hear about this stuff all the time on tv, read it in books and then it's ok. We have gay male friends. Actually the one is gay and the other one was married to a female twice and has a child in high school. I have NO problems with them. They are still our friends and I don't care what goes on in the bedroom.....although you can picture it. But now that it's hit home here.....it's different. I"m really babbling here. I have soooooooo much to say and feel and don't know how to express any of it. Living in fear and being scared is about what it is. I think I'm passed the madness. I wish he had told me and I had not found out the way I had. That maybe would have helped alot.
In the long run, who Flounder tells about this is up to him but I don't think he's ready to be open with it to family and friends. He wasn't ready to be open with it with me.
Thanks for wishing me luck. I'm trying to understand.
Mrs. F

[Brian]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F Wow, what a powerful post Mrs F. I truly wish the two of you the best. An interesting perspective on the coming out issue.

I've said something along these lines before... I think bisexuality is one of the most complex social subjects there is, especially with regards to heterosexual marriage. I hope this doesn't sound too corny, but I'm not sure how else to phrase it: you married folks are my heroes, you really are.

- Drew :paw:

[wanderingrichard]

drew,
i totally agree with you about married folks being heroes.. past experiences with coming out to those i was intimate with were disastrous.. i lost two people i dearly loved becuase they couldnt handle my revelation to them, in fact, one ran out of the house totally nude in a panic and drove home before she realized what she had done..i went to check on her the next day and she was still in shock

so, yeah, those of you who are married, and things have gotten better, or you are really working it out becuase it's opened a new chapter in communicting between you and things got rocky at first, but seem to be stabilizing cause you've actually started to put effort into understanding, folks, my hats' off to you. it's a hard rocky road that you've just entered.

[csrakate]

BI-TEN,

Are you saying your wife left you when she found out? I'm sorry to hear that. But, I do understand how she felt. I never had the feelings of kicking him out of leaving. I had the feelings of FEAR! My fear was I would/could never satisty him. When he was with me, was he thinking about being with a man also? I am havng alot of problems dealing with the unknown. I ask him questions about it and he swears up and down that I am enough for him and he will never do anything with anyone that I don't allow. WOW.....that makes me feel about an inch tall because, am I not letting him be happy by saying he can only be with me??? Somedays I wish I had never known and life went on as it was. It's been so hard. The funny thing is you hear about this stuff all the time on tv, read it in books and then it's ok. We have gay male friends. Actually the one is gay and the other one was married to a female twice and has a child in high school. I have NO problems with them. They are still our friends and I don't care what goes on in the bedroom.....although you can picture it. But now that it's hit home here.....it's different. I"m really babbling here. I have soooooooo much to say and feel and don't know how to express any of it. Living in fear and being scared is about what it is. I think I'm passed the madness. I wish he had told me and I had not found out the way I had. That maybe would have helped alot.
In the long run, who Flounder tells about this is up to him but I don't think he's ready to be open with it to family and friends. He wasn't ready to be open with it with me.
Thanks for wishing me luck. I'm trying to understand.
Mrs. F


Your post leaves me feeling as though I have seen this all before...Deja Vu! Your story could almost be MY story!! Your words could almost be my very own words! I guess you could say that I've been there....done that!! But lucky for me my husband had enough faith in me and faith in our relationship to tell from before we made the commitment of marriage.

You say that you feel Flounder didn't think you were mature enough to handle the truth. You feel hurt and confused and you are doubting yourself as to whether or not you are enough for him. Don't ever feel that way. The lack of maturity was his...the lack of trust was his...the lack of total honesty was his!! He needs to earn your trust once again...He needs to deserve to have your love and commitment and he needs to prove to you that he can be totally honest for the first time in your marriage. I know it sounds harsh but he has been the one that has been lying and I just hate to see you punish yourself for something that he did.

The one thing that the two of you DON'T need right now is telling the world about his sexuality. You need to be able to accept it yourself before he has the right to tell anyone else. This isn't anything for him to do for his own selfish reasons. If he has a burning desire to share it with someone else, he will just have to with hold that desire until YOU are ready to share. He's gone long enough without letting you have some input and this sort of news affects more than just his personal pride. It affects your marriage and the way that others might view not just him, but you as well.

I wish the best for you and hope that you find happiness within yourself and then perhaps you can find it in your marriage. And I also hope that Flounder finds the strength to begin to live his life honestly for a change.

Kate

[SweetAmy]

:flag2: Being bicurious...is not rewarding :flag2:

[arana]

:flag2: Being bicurious...is not rewarding :flag2:

I don't understand the reasoning behind some of your posts Amy. Are you posting just to post? Some of the things you say are one liners and you don't elaborate on why you feel this way, such as on this one. Being bicurious is not an easy lifestyle, but on the up side, I would not have met a lot of wonderful people if I was not.

Arana :tong: Curious in more ways then bi

[Bi-ten]

Dear Mrs F.

Yes my wife is leaving me over this, but on many levels I can understand it. In fact, being an analytical person I knew all of the possible scenarios that might play out if I told her...and 9 out of 10 of them were horrible! I guess that's what made my decision so hard.

If you need to chat you can send me an e-mail anytime. I can tell you what happened and how I felt, but really it will not replace the healing power of you and your husband's open and honest dialogue.

All the best.

[Michael623]

I feel being bisexual is a wonderful thing. I wouldn't change it if i could. But I am a very private person and what I do sexually is between me and my partner. I have trouble understanding why it is other than on a need to know status. It would take from my enjoyment to standup and shout to the world I am a bisexual person.

[cuteangel]

I am bisexual and I love it. I like the fact that I have the best of both worlds. I consider myself a bisexual lesbian... I say that only because I am bisexual cause I am married but a lesbian because I love women. I have a man that I love but would much perfer to date women then men at this point in time. It can be hard at times being bisexual cause you get accused of being confussed but if you know in your heart what it is that you want that is all that matters.



:bipride:

[smurf111978]

I put bi feelings to the back of my mind for many years and only came out to myself in the early part of the year after the relationship with my girl friend failed and I spent time reflecting on my feelings.

I wish I had come out to myself sooner because I don’t think It has helped me to bottle up my Bi feelings.

I have told a few friends about being Bi mostly ones that aren’t close physically but are close in all other respects. I found telling some people has helped me come to terms with being Bi although I still have some issues to work through.

As for coming out to family I think I will at some point in the next few months I’m fairly sure my folks think I’m gay any way so I hope I’ll get a good reaction. As for coming out completely I don’t intend to for a while untill I have more Bi experiences, and then I guess I’ll only tell people who ask.

I guess I have been lucky coming out so far as all the people I have told have been very helpful and supportive.

I would like to take this oportunity to thank Drew for this site, and all my new friends I have made in the chatroom for their friendly welcome and advice.

Hugs

Smurf
:cool: :bibounce:

[EbyKat]

I'm in the smallest category it seems. But then fast food, even management, isn't the type of employment where I worry about people knowing I'm bi. My last job at an elementary school no one knew except for one or two closer co-workers and that was all. I had a b/f at the time so it was easy not to mention it.

My parents know but are still in that place where they think I just haven't decided one way or another. In a way I feel bad for them because it would be easier for them to understand if I was gay or straight, but being bi isn't something they've dealt with before and isn't something they know how to understand.

[Lisa (va)]

I know it may be only symantics, but I prefer to think I am open about being bi instead of out. I don't see the need to anounce it to everyone I meet, but as MIHH says, ask me and i will tell you. Of course my family were close to being the first to know, sort of hard to keep it a secret when they are aware that you are dating both boys and girls. Bisexuality may be a complex issue for society, but when it comes down to it my sexuality is a small part of me.

Lisa

hugs n kisses

[roy44]

My wife and I are married 20 years. I had a Relationship with a guy in High school she knows about. I am looking for a relationship male or female that will add to my life expierence non committal. I don't want my private life out there. I enjoy both the company of men and women for different reasons. :cool:

[BiFlBBWcouple]

drew,
i totally agree with you about married folks being heroes.. past experiences with coming out to those i was intimate with were disastrous.. i lost two people i dearly loved becuase they couldnt handle my revelation to them, in fact, one ran out of the house totally nude in a panic and drove home before she realized what she had done..i went to check on her the next day and she was still in shock

so, yeah, those of you who are married, and things have gotten better, or you are really working it out becuase it's opened a new chapter in communicting between you and things got rocky at first, but seem to be stabilizing cause you've actually started to put effort into understanding, folks, my hats' off to you. it's a hard rocky road that you've just entered.


I have to comment on this. When I got married, my husband KNEW of my bisexuality. He was okay with it, until he got the ring on my finger. Then he wouldn't allow me to have any friends, male or female. My life went on like this for almost 6 years. We got divorced, went our seperate ways. I started seeking out female companionship again, and found a wonderful lady. She was married, and both her and her hubby played, both were openly bi. Well, things happened, and we got close. They wanted to introduce me to another bi male friend of theirs.... Turned out to be my ex husband. We have NOT gotten together, the old hurts are to deep, but it was then that I found out that he was having his own experiences while we were married, and yet denying me my sexuality.

Now that I'm in a new relationship, and working on getting married again, I once again have been very open about my sexuality with my new man. He is very accepting of it, and has even set me up with some of his female friends that are also bi. We've had some great times, have some great friendships, and seeking more. Can never have enough friends in this world.

[SweetAmy]

Yes just b/c I'm maried to a man and have curiousity about other females in no way am I looking for a 3some. At this current time like my profile states friendship with females is what I want. So if your out there and want someone friendly and down to earth to chat with I am here.

[JohnnyV]

Hello,

I am new to the forum.

I am married. Fortunately my wife knows about my bisexuality and accepts it. Still, I feel it's important not to make her uncomfortable by being too public about my attraction toward men. So I am not out to many people, though if anyone were to ask me, I would tell them, yes, I am bi. Being married, I rarely get asked.

For me the main issue right now is how to get relief from my appetite for men. My wife once told me it was okay for me to get some quickies on the side, but with HIV and other STDs looming over the male-male scene, I quickly found that too harrowing. I only had oral sex but went through a series of HIV scares between 2001 and 2005. After the last one I decided not to put myself in that place of fear anymore.

But overall I would have to say I am fortunate. My wife loves me. We are soon to have our first child. I find that my bisexuality is something that I enjoy secretly and deliciously, through porn and a vivid fantasy life. I wish I could have sex with a man, but all things considered, I am okay giving up on it.

J :) :male:

[Sparks]

Mrs.F,
You are a courages woman, and my heart feels for you. As I've posted before, we here can offer you comfort, support and personal advice. But your best option is to consider talking with someone, face to face, who'll not be judgemental about you, or your husband. It's really important that you do this for yourself, and no one else. The bottom line is that you will be heard in the privacy of his/her confidential setting. What you're feeling is brutal, but natural given the circumstances. Do yourself a favor and seek counseling on this. You'll be glad that you did. Take good care. :2cents:

[cutiepie35]

Being Bisexual is one of the best things about me. I have been attracted to both men and women for as long as I can remember. I love the individual. I fully believe that you can love more than one. My husband is and always will be the love of my life, but I (We) are very open to other loves. I didn't stop loving my first child when the others arrived. My heart grew and expanded to accommodate all the love.

[Mistya]

Nice thread Drew,

My out has been with close friends and family members that I have felt closest to. They are the ones who just love me for me and do not see my preferences as an issue. My close friends from past to present years have known since I have been able to keep things real with them. I have no “off limits or we cannot talk about that" topics of discussions with people. I learned many moons ago that not everyone will appreciate you or like you based on their phobias/biases, so I quit trying in my teens to please everyone.

I would also like to add in an outing experience quick story....

My middle son was 17 at the time. He shared his preferences with his dad (my ex) and extended family before telling me that he was gay. I was pist and upset that I was the last person to hear about this from his older brother who was18 at the time. I admit I felt angry and hurt...not because my baby was gay but because I felt betrayed. There I was a mom who thought I had an open and honest relationship with a son who could not confide in me a part of who he is.

My hubby (his step dad) picked up the phone and called him. He told him that this was not going to change how much we love him and that we are always proud of him...I started to cry as soon as I heard those words. You could here the emotion in our son's voice as he apologized for not telling us sooner.

There are no apologies needed for being who you are, just being honest with the ones you love will make life more enjoyable. :2cents:

Best regards to all

[Nancyboy]

A couple of people here (and in past conversations I've had/read) wonder why it is necessary for anyone other than one's partners to know about one's sexual orientation.

To that I always answer a few things.

1) Then why is it necessary for anyone other than one's partner to know that one is hetero? Since so many heterosexually married people wear a wedding ring (which, until recently, was a privilege reserved for heterosexuals), it appears to me that it's OK for heterosexuals to be publically hetero.

2) If everyone hides their bisexuality or homosexuality (or gender identity, etc), it will continue to be considered taboo. Throughout the generations, children will continue to grow up being taught that hetero is the only true and valid way and many, many people will continue to suffer. SOME of us (some, not all because I know it's impossible or dangerous for some) need to be out so that society can change and become more tolerant. That way, the next generations will be increasingly open and children will be taught that they can be whoever they want to be without being stigmatised and ridiculed.

So THOSE are MY reasons for being out every which way I can. My family knows, my friends know, my employers and colleagues know, etc. And it's not like I go up to people and say "Hi, I'm Nancy and I'm bi". But if people ask me what I'm doing that night and I have a date with a member of the same sex, I say it. If it's a member of the opposite sex, I say it too. I've done radio and tv interviews designed to demystify it so basically people across Canada have seen my face on TV associated with being bi. People I know have/will see it. I don't care. At least their minds are hopefully a bit more open now.

[Nancyboy]

Oh, and one more thing. To say that no one needs to know except one's partner is to imply that it is something dirty or that it's too private. As though saying one is bi is displaying one's actual sexual practices out in the open. As I mentioned in my previous message, saying one is married to a member of the opposite sex is, in effect, saying to the world that one has sexual relations with this person. So what's the difference.

Second, saying that one is bi does not mean that one is saying anything explicit about their sexual practices. People can assume what they like but that is only based on their own stereotypes and prejudgements.

So, if someone is not yet comfortable enough to be out, then I can understand that. But if it's only a matter of "well, it isn't something that people should know because it's private/dirty/etc" then we should be saying the same about public declarations of heterosexuality as well (hand-holding in public, wedding rings, etc).

[BoundBiDesire]

A couple of people here (and in past conversations I've had/read) wonder why it is necessary for anyone other than one's partners to know about one's sexual orientation.

To that I always answer a few things.

1) Then why is it necessary for anyone other than one's partner to know that one is hetero? Since so many heterosexually married people wear a wedding ring (which, until recently, was a privilege reserved for heterosexuals), it appears to me that it's OK for heterosexuals to be publically hetero.

2) If everyone hides their bisexuality or homosexuality (or gender identity, etc), it will continue to be considered taboo. Throughout the generations, children will continue to grow up being taught that hetero is the only true and valid way and many, many people will continue to suffer. SOME of us (some, not all because I know it's impossible or dangerous for some) need to be out so that society can change and become more tolerant. That way, the next generations will be increasingly open and children will be taught that they can be whoever they want to be without being stigmatised and ridiculed.

So THOSE are MY reasons for being out every which way I can. My family knows, my friends know, my employers and colleagues know, etc. And it's not like I go up to people and say "Hi, I'm Nancy and I'm bi". But if people ask me what I'm doing that night and I have a date with a member of the same sex, I say it. If it's a member of the opposite sex, I say it too. I've done radio and tv interviews designed to demystify it so basically people across Canada have seen my face on TV associated with being bi. People I know have/will see it. I don't care. At least their minds are hopefully a bit more open now.

Oh, and one more thing. To say that no one needs to know except one's partner is to imply that it is something dirty or that it's too private. As though saying one is bi is displaying one's actual sexual practices out in the open. As I mentioned in my previous message, saying one is married to a member of the opposite sex is, in effect, saying to the world that one has sexual relations with this person. So what's the difference.

Second, saying that one is bi does not mean that one is saying anything explicit about their sexual practices. People can assume what they like but that is only based on their own stereotypes and prejudgements.

So, if someone is not yet comfortable enough to be out, then I can understand that. But if it's only a matter of "well, it isn't something that people should know because it's private/dirty/etc" then we should be saying the same about public declarations of heterosexuality as well (hand-holding in public, wedding rings, etc).


Nancyboy, Are You A Mind Reader? lol
I Agree 100%


TTYL, Mandy :2cents: :female: :bigrin: ;)

[bigregory]

[QUOTE=BiFlBBWcouple]I have to comment on this. When I got married, my husband KNEW of my bisexuality. He was okay with it, until he got the ring on my finger. Then he wouldn't allow me to have any friends, male or female. My life went on like this for almost 6 years. We got divorced, went our seperate ways. I started seeking out female companionship again, and found a wonderful lady. She was married, and both her and her hubby played, both were openly bi. Well, things happened, and we got close. They wanted to introduce me to another bi male friend of theirs.... Turned out to be my ex husband. We have NOT gotten together, the old hurts are to deep, but it was then that I found out that he was having his own experiences while we were married, and yet denying me my sexuality.

I cant think of the words..
I hope his balls fall off..
Best of luck in your "new" life

[bigregory]

Hello,

I am new to the forum.

I am married. Fortunately my wife knows about my bisexuality and accepts it. Still, I feel it's important not to make her uncomfortable by being too public about my attraction toward men. So I am not out to many people, though if anyone were to ask me, I would tell them, yes, I am bi. Being married, I rarely get asked.

For me the main issue right now is how to get relief from my appetite for men. My wife once told me it was okay for me to get some quickies on the side, but with HIV and other STDs looming over the male-male scene, I quickly found that too harrowing. I only had oral sex but went through a series of HIV scares between 2001 and 2005. After the last one I decided not to put myself in that place of fear anymore.

But overall I would have to say I am fortunate. My wife loves me. We are soon to have our first child. I find that my bisexuality is something that I enjoy secretly and deliciously, through porn and a vivid fantasy life. I wish I could have sex with a man, but all things considered, I am okay giving up on it.

J :) :male:
Jonnyv
This is a whole new link that needs its own forum.
You are not alone in your fear!!!
:yikes2:

[DanBasil]

:male:
My girlfriend was openly bi to everyone except her family when we met. I didn't open-up to tell her that I too was bi until many months into our relationship. I told her over the phone whilst I was in Argentina. She cried not out of anger or sorrow, but she was so over joyed that I had shared that part of who I am with her. I believe it truly brought us closer together. Since then I have been "out" perse or rather more open with my friends and some family, my siblings know and an Aunt, my grandparents aren't stupid and I'm sure they know, but don't say and my father knows it was easy to tell him, he was on his death bed and revealed I had a brother that I never knew of, and so i figured I'd share my life too and he wouldn't feel so bad (though he prefers we don't discuss my bisexuality, he doesn't hate me or anything). My mother and step-father still don't know and I'm not sure they will anytime soon as they live fairly far away and so don't know me the same way. But opening-up is a good thing if more bisexuals were to openly proclaim their sexual identity it would show how common bisexuality really is, and maybe remove some of the stigmatizum (sp?) that being bi carries both within the hetero- and homo-sexual communities.
:bipride:

[rodeochick]

Why is it necessary for anyone other than my wife to know what my sexual preference is?
You tell whoever you want. Most of my friends know about me. And my husband knows but I sure the hell won't tell the rest of my family!!!!

[starslilbrat]

This thread is kinda hard for me, I stayed in the "closet" for 20 years because of the fear of telling my now ex husband. I know he had hints and used my fear of him knowing against me. He was abusive and I finally got the courage to leave him. I took the time to find out who I was and realize there is nothing wrong with me.
I finally happy with myself and my life, I am happily married to a wonderful man, even though he is straight, he is very open minded.
We are also in the "Swing Lifestyle" so I get to explore that side of my sexuality in a comfortable and very safe place and know I always have his love and support.
Coming out to a spouse is the hardest thing to do and you always fear they will walk away from you because you are different or no longer trust you just because you are Bi. Being Bi has nothing to do with if your partner can satisfy you.......being with another woman is something for me is you just can not put into words. As my husband explains it, it brings more fun or playfulness into our sexual relationship. He enjoys having another woman in our life, makes life more interesting and fun.
Take it one day at a time, be patient and tell him you love him and above all, trust in his love for you......you will be greatly rewarded in the end, no matter how it works out.
Crystal

[sophisticated]

All my love to everyone ......whatever their opinions on this issue might be!!!

I just gave a lecture at the mental hospital where i am working about being bi and gay.......and how important this issue is to a persons selfacceptance. Too many suicides still among young people due to the fact that they dont dare to tell their parents, their friends, and other important people in their life how they feel. Too many damaged lifes due to the fact that so many people are doing everything they can to avoid other people understand. As an adult, and as a psychiatric carer, i belive its my duty to inform people that this issue has a grate impact on peoples lifes. I don't belive in the right to be private anymore. If i as an adult cant be straight forward about my feelings toward the same sex, how can i ever help young people struggeling with the issue: How will the people around me react if they knew? Will they still se the real me? Will they accept me as i am?

So.....giving this lecture, i as an open bi woman could answer a lot of the questions my coworkers had about this issue. I opened up for a debate about how important sexual orientation is in the matter of how we define ourself in relations to others. And how devestating it can be for a person to live with a lifelong secret. To do so i had to share my own experiance, let them into my life and thoughts, and be voulnerable to the fact that not everyone would accept me. BUT, no way they would have understood half as much if i wasn't open myself. I belive, as a mature woman, i no longer have the right to privacy around this issue. I owe it to the coming generations to be open about it. I want to contribute to stop youngsters from taking their own life because they feel "different". They need rolemodels, they need to see that u can have a good life as bi as well as heterosexual. The coming generations needs us to be open, walk the path, so they dont have to struggle so hard to accept themselves. In love of our children.......this is not a privacy issue, this is about claiming everyones right to feel what they do.

[DavenChris]

I am "out" to everone but my gramd mother and my husbands parents, My husband has known from the very beginning.i never hid it from him. I figure this is who I am and this iis what I do. I have learned to live with losing friends over it. but I have made alot of really cool people who accept me for who I am, and dont care about what I do in my life. MY husband on the other hand, no one accept 1 or 2 people know.and he is ok with that. I found out not too long after we got together that he was. We are ok in how we live our life and since I have been "out" this way fr as long as i can remember my husband will ask me questions all the time about things that he notices. it is really nice to see him finally comfortable with it. I can see where for some couples it would be hard if there was a little jelousy there. for some it is one of those things that they dont know how to control. I am happy to meet all of you and to have found some place that I can be free with my thoughts. thank you for being such a awsome sight!!! davencchris

[joe.newbiman01]

:tongue: My wife has known for some time, as she has heightened her own experiences by using dildos to fuck me. Only recently did I admit and accept it in myself and it is...relieving, refreshing, awesome...I have yet to experience a true male on male encounter, but am looking forward to it and letting her watch (you would not believe how much she gets off being a 'voyeur'). :male: :)

[Lyon1369]

My wife knows and is supportive. If I ever meet Mr right, she may even want to join in. Most of my friends and co workers know. its not a big deal.
Im not out to my family because, well my bothers are all homophobic, my dad is in another state, and My mom says what I do in my bedroom is my own business. (Gee I think she knows)
I dont hide it form the world. If someone asks, I tell them. if not, they dont need to know.
I do have a bit of Pride in my sexuality. and I try to show people that we are not all greedy, undecided sex fiends. if anything we are cautious, picky and very passionate. Doing my part to break down the sterotype.
Bi4now :bipride: :flag1: :bipride:

[APMountianMan]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F


Hi, bless you for trying to understand. I must say that it is hard for some guys to be open with spouses about these feelings. It doesn't make it right to hide such a huge part of yourself from your partner, but maybe this confession will help.

In my first marriage I hid my feelings not only from my wife but from myself. Some times because you love someone you can make yourself believe that "that" part of you will disappear. So you are not only hiding the truth from your partner but from yourself. It's hard to deal with caring for someone, and being committed to that person, and at the same time feeling like part of you is missing. You fear for both of you. That fear may cause you to lie to your partner, but the prime lie is to oneself.

I got lucky the second time around. My wife and I had the conversation about our sexuality before we started dating. By far this was is the best way to go. We have had a few experiences with a third partner, but through the years our bond to one another has grown stronger.

The fear of if she finds out was removed long ago, and with that fear gone it has allowed us to be open and honest with one another in a way we believe few couples share. I think in time you will see that your husband loves you, just as you love him. His feelings for you are not diminished because he is bi: that I can tell you for certain. Think of it this way, can your two-year-old love both you and your husband without diminishing his love for one or the other? Of course he can. So can your husband, and so can you.

Thanks for encouraging others, who may be hiding a part of themselves from their spouses, to be open and honest. Your reaction certain gives hope.


:cool:

[FREAKY_MIA_CUBAN_305]

HEY PEPS! I WANNA KNOW IS IT WIERD TO LOVE HAVING SEX A LOT LIKE 3 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS HORNY AND I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT I'M A SEX ADDICT( WHICH I PROBABLY AM ). ANOTHER POROBLEM IS THAT I LLOOVVEE TO FEEL A DICK INSIDE OF ME BUT A GIRL CAN TURN ME ON AS WELL. IT'S JUST SO WIERD OR IT'S PROBABLY JUST ME (LOL). WELL I DID DO THE THE KINK TEST AND I GOT 533. TO BAD I REALLY WANTED TO BE DA BOMB. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? :tong:

[Mrs.F]

:) Thank you APMountainMan for you words of wisdom. I"m glad things have worked out for the best for you the 2nd time around. Knowing before you go into a marriage is a good thing. I understand totally now why he didn't tell me before we married. When I first found out, I felt lied to, and betrayed and freaked out! But I do know that if he had told me before we got married...we may not be married today. I can't say at that age I would have understood or even tried to understand. Atleast now I am at an age where I can learn and know he is still the same person I fell inlove with. We just go day by day and have gone many days now without discussing it at all. I still have a hard time using the words "bisexual" and "husband" in the same sentence. But in time I'm hoping this will get better. The only thing to do is go one day at a time. Thank you again.

Mrs. F.

[prittywun]

Hey, all. Iam 24 yrs old and have been bi-curious for as long as i can remember,but it wasn't until about 4 yrs ago that i told anyone. I told my husband first, and after that it was easier to tell others. I never really told anyone before that because i was worried that they would turn against me. But then i found out that a few of my friends and relatives are either bi, or bi-curious, this made me feel alot better. My husband said he supports anything that i feel i need/or want to do.He is the best, and i love him sincerely, with all my heart!. tyvm, from prittywun. :female: :) :female:

[feelngroovyntx]

As mainstream as bisexual women have become in the last ten years, why is it still so hard for me to admit it to some people. I don't dare say anything to my parents...but my siblings know; I can tell a complete stranger I meet on the internet...but find it hard to tell some of my friends. The hardest group to reveal this to are my co-workers, and it's not like I work in a stuffy uptight office environment...I wait tables at a casual dining chain. I'm concerned more about what they'll do with the information more than their initial reaction. I work with some immature people, and I just don't want to hear the comments that they will inevitably make...so..I ask you...what would you do...tell a few (it will only take a minute for it to get around)...or just keep it my little secret?

[Ansil III]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F

Hello Mrs. F.,

I think that you are brave to understand the situation that has confronted you. I urge you to be strong and understanding. However, I am not convinced that all his sexual activity with the same sex stopped before he met you. Confront him with this issue and ask him to be honest. It is the only way you can move forward with your relationship with him. And by the way, you are absolutely right about one thing- nobody else should know...

Ansil III

[goodgord]

I want to comment on a few of the comments I read here. It's always easy for people who don't have the addiction, attraction, fetish, etcetc, to judge those who do. We all do it all the time; some of us try not to or have grown some, but it happens constantly. So, someone who's bi and married and hasn't told their partner, shouldn't be expected to know exactly how to deal, what to do, say, how to be, and if you were in their shoes you could understand that. Not to say that you shouldn't feel betrayed either. I'm NOT referring to the lady who wrote about floundering, but others who commented on floundering's handling of his predicament.

I also want to say that I think it's fine to write one liners! What's the prob? She said exactly what she wanted to say, that's how she felt. Everyone doesn't have to express themselves in a certain way, and I think it's uncalled for to criticise the form of someone's expression; not the content, that's fair game,like I'm doing here, hee hee hee!

[arana]

HEY PEPS! I WANNA KNOW IS IT WIERD TO LOVE HAVING SEX A LOT LIKE 3 TO 6 TIMES A DAY. BECAUSE I'M ALWAYS HORNY AND I'M STARTING TO THINK THAT I'M A SEX ADDICT( WHICH I PROBABLY AM ). ANOTHER POROBLEM IS THAT I LLOOVVEE TO FEEL A DICK INSIDE OF ME BUT A GIRL CAN TURN ME ON AS WELL. IT'S JUST SO WIERD OR IT'S PROBABLY JUST ME (LOL). WELL I DID DO THE THE KINK TEST AND I GOT 533. TO BAD I REALLY WANTED TO BE DA BOMB. SO WHAT DO YOU THINK? :tong:

Wow Mia, I sure hope you aren't weird cause that would be bad for me as well, since I have the same problem. :eek:

[Damon]

Thats it. Its official, I'm finally HALF WAY OUT lol

Since "wanting" to address my attraction to other males 2 or 3 weeks ago I have since told my 2 best mates and my mom. Now its the 2 brothers and my dad left but i dont think ill be telling them anytime soon..

Still i'm half way out if there's such a thing and thankfully it was fairly easy. Some heart raising moments on my part but nerves were pushed aside in the end..

Now if only i could find a way to tell the rest of my homophobic family!! :)

Damon

[Michael623]

Hi Arana, can we talk, lol

Michael

[arana]

Hi Arana, can we talk, lol

Michael

Are you saying your a six timer? lol

[Michael623]

Yes, Arana. Come find out.

[arana]

Bring it on Michael! lol :tong:

[m.in.heels&hose]

Hello Damon
i really know how you feel about being hesitant towards telling your dad and brothers you are bi
My dad and sister would be last to understand this fact about me!

but i do think its very cool that you came out to your mates, and mom too! and i hope nothing has changed between these people and you!
As i see it, it does not change the person these people already know!


your buddy (mate, in the states)
m.in.heels&hose :cool:

[gina42]

Bring it on Michael! lol :tong:


LMAO!!!!
michael623 and arana... :bounce:

[Michael623]

Oh Arana, you know I can and will. Don't you.

[mazza55]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F


I really hope eveything works out for the two of you. i can sympathise with your husband on this one I know you feel betrayed but when you have gone such a long time and not told anyone it gets harder. Ive been with my husband for 20 years and he does not know. I your husband has decided to tell you obviously he has the urge to carry it out and does not want to do this behind your back.
Hopefully your marriage is stronge enough for him to be able to carry out what he obviously need to.

I wish u both all the best lots love
mazza

[jo69guy]

I myself am out to my immediate family, and a few close friends. Outting myself at work and to others would be detrimental to my wellbeing. Why cause problems? :2cents: :bipride:

[Mrs.F]

I really hope eveything works out for the two of you. i can sympathise with your husband on this one I know you feel betrayed but when you have gone such a long time and not told anyone it gets harder. Ive been with my husband for 20 years and he does not know. I your husband has decided to tell you obviously he has the urge to carry it out and does not want to do this behind your back.
Hopefully your marriage is stronge enough for him to be able to carry out what he obviously need to.

I wish u both all the best lots love
mazza

Thank you Mazza and I do hope everything works out for you also. I know you probably can sympathize with my husband, however he did not tell me. He would not have told me at all. I found this site opened on his laptop computer. I was not meant to see it but did of-course. He told me that he would never have told me and would have kept it to himself forever when I confronted him with it. It was a very long, hard week the week I found out. Alot of tears were shed, mainly on my part. I went through the anger and depression but in the long run I'm glad I know now and I know he's glad to get the weight off his shoulders. Have you ever thought about telling your husband? Being married 20 yrs. don't you think he would understand or atleast try to understand. I think if he loves you, he will atleast try. All you can do is take it one day at a time and talk, talk and talk more. The communication is the big key here. As many people say on here all the time. You have to talk and you both have to understand the other's feelings. Of-course every person is different and accepts this sort of thing differently. I love my husband and being married for 10 yrs. I was not about to throw that all away because he had a fling with a guy. He's never been with anyone else since our marriage. That, he has promised me and I do believe him. I do trust him. As long as the communication line is always open.
I would not wish it upon anyone to find out about their spouse the way I did. I think at some point when you are ready ( which obviously you are not) you should tell your husband. I understand your fear of telling him, as I understood my husbands for not telling me. But it's kind of who you are....It's a part of you and doesn't he deserve to the know the real you?? You are obviously on this site because your looking for something more, even if it is just talking with like minded people. Which is why my husband came to this site. I am by NO means ready to let him go and be with anyone and may never reach that point either. I also have alot of FEAR and I can't just make that go away. It will take alot of time, but being on this site has helped him and I both...in different ways! Good luck to you also!! :) Sorry for babbling...sometimes I really feel like I preach too much. Lord knows I don't know alot but if I can help anyone the way some people here have helped me than it's worth it! :2cents:

[bediddle]

I told a couple of people (2 years ago now - I'm 24) but I've kind of just let the rest figure it out from my actions and whatnot. I have 1 brother who knows. We're very close and I couldn't really keep it hidden from him. The rest of my family doesn't know and I don't plan on telling them any time soon. I don't think they would react too badly but we just don't discuss the specifics of our sex lives so it just hasn't seemed appropriate. I think that if I were dating a woman seriously enough that it was time for her to meet my family then I guess I would have a reason to tell. As it stands I'm dating a man so they can assume what they like with that.

[Biboz49]

I'm just out to my bi friends, not family, not straight friends. Definitely not to work friends...that would be the end of my career. For me, it only matters that my bi friends know anyway.

:bibounce:

[Biboz49]

How could I forget....my ltr gf knows of course! I told her almost from the start and it's not even a big deal. She's the best! :love87:

[jakladd]

undefinedundefinedundefined
Many people are 'out' or in the closet for reasons that are truly unique to their situation - some have supportive open relationships, with others it would destroy the relationship if the other partner knew.

I personally fall in the latter category - I have struggled with bisexuality for a long time but have come to better grips with it lately and this site helps tremendously. Coming out is a choice, not an obligation. People don't really need to know (or care) about what of an erotic nature turns me on. :male: :2cents:

[MizzLickALot]

:flag1: I just started comen out to everyone, The main person I wanted to tell was my mother,once she knew I didn't care who knew..The way I see it this is me, if no one likes me for who I am and they don't like me for my lifestyle then I guess I don't need them as a friend..We have kids and I see as long as My kids don't see anything then no one should wory about it..The big question I get is what would I do if my kids were this way..well I can't be this way and tell them no..I would just tell them the +'s on it and the -'s on it..Well thats what I had to say.. :bigrin:

[Kpiscoolie]

I want to wait until it's the right moment to tell my mother because she doesn't agree with being Gay, Bi or a Lesbian so I'm trying to ease her into accepting the fact that it's an ok thing.

[biguy4u3]

Hi All,
No one knows about my bisexuality other than my wife and those we've enjoyed sexually.
I had known my wife for years before we were married. When my previous relationship ended for many reasons, one of them was my sexuality, I told myself that I would tell the next woman about my desire for men straight away. When my wife and I started entertaining the thought of dating, one of the first conversations was me telling her, I didn't want to waste anyone's time. She was a bit taken aback, but had to admit that she found man to man sex very stimulating for her. Obviously I was happy about this.
Her and I have enjoyed a few men and and she loves to watch me with them as I do watching these men enjoy her.
My point here is that I think there's a huge communication breakdown with couples and even though this news can be hard for some to handle, I believe it's worth the risk for one's own piece of mind. Nothing worse than having an attraction for the same sex and not being able to act upon it or worse yet even talk about it. Life is too short.
Some of the men we've had join us have wives or girlfriends that do not know and when I pose the question about why they have told them, it's a big deal and a conversation cut short. That is a shame.
I very much enjoy my sexuality and wonder why others aren't more open to the thought of it. So many more options, good times and potentially new good friends to get to know. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Thanks for listening.....

[Creature]

Only my friends that I know wont go, omg eww or anything know. My mom doesnt know an prolly wont...for a while at least....and i cant imagine telling my siblings........

[mn freak]

Only to my wife.Haven't decided who to tell next,not that it matters. :male: :2cents:

[Ratchick]

I guess I am really lucky. I am out at work, with my family and friends.
All kinda knew already.
Only ones I haven't told are this couple I lived with for a bit who are freinds of mine, but a little narrow. They don't need to know and if they find-out it wont be the end of the world either.

I am sorry for all those who can't be out in thier everyday lives. My hopes and good thoughts are sent to all forced to live in the closet.

Hugs,
RC :bipride:

[just4fun]

IM A VERY DISCREET PERSON, AND I INTEND TO KEEP THAT WAY. THE ONLY PEOPLE THAT KNOW IM BI WOULD BE MY SEX PARTNERS OR PEOPLE THAT I MEET ONLINE. OTHER THAN THAT, IM INSIDE THE CLOSET ALWAYS...

[erosbydesign]

What a great thread. My first day here and you have me thinking! I'm very new to calling this "bi" but I have enjoyed some great experiences as part of a (mmf) three-way friendship. i feel like if I'm in a committed relationship then I wouldn't play around with a woman because that would truly hurt my girlfriend. I usually don't bring up the curiousity or past experiences early on but will answer honestly if she asks. As relationships progress then you are building upon trust and honesty and can't go very far without truly expressing your desires. Honesty is the best policy... my last girlfriend is the best example of that. I told her about playing around a few times and she was so excited that we actually got to experience some awesome encounters. I don't feel like it's less cheating if you are in a committed relationship and and fool around with another guy.. it's still hiding. and hurting your significant other. Treat her with the respect you'd want. This is a tricky proposition... she may reject that you are bi because of fear of the unknown or that it isn't discussed much in public. We can make a big difference by sharing (in and out of bed..lol).

[curlflame3]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F








Mrs. F

You are such a great woman to try to understand what it is your husband is goin through, and to still love him. Love is too great just to throw away buecause of someone's sexual preferance. You are truely a great wife, and hopefully you will learn to love your husband even more.

[easylikesun101]

Your husband knows that freedom is something so special and beautifull, you are no different to him I am sure.

[Mrs.F]

Mrs. F

You are such a great woman to try to understand what it is your husband is goin through, and to still love him. Love is too great just to throw away buecause of someone's sexual preferance. You are truely a great wife, and hopefully you will learn to love your husband even more.

:) Thank you curlflame. I appreciate the kind words. I've run into a few guys who don't think I'm such a great wife. I realize being bisexual and staying in the closet because you feel you can't tell your spouse is very hard. However, being on the other end, as the spouse who doesn't know and suddenly finds out is also very hard. But your right......love is too great to just throw it away. If you truely love your spouse, you should be willing to atleast try and understand their feelings and desires. I was very scared and still am. I don't think that feeling will go away for me. But coming to this site has helped me to understand alot about bisexuality (which I new nothing about) Sure, I've heard of it but really didn't understand a bisexual's feelings. There are so many nice people here that have helped greatly.
I know every persons situation is different and you have to feel out your spouse and their possible reaction before telling them. But my husband was not going to tell me. After I found out, I think he was very surprised that I was not going to leave him and would love him forever.

Love is very strong and something we can't live without! :2cents:

[jo69guy]

I myself am out to my close family, and a few friends. I outted myself to my ex-wife before marriage, and she was ok with it at first. She later grew to resent, and hate it.

I applaud all partners who are hanging in there with their spouses/significant others who are bi. I can tell you that they love you very much for yourselves, and even more for being accepting of their sexuality. :2cents:

[spyder420]

i dont follow all that closet stuff i mean why should i worry about the way others think of my sexuality ?it dosnt change the person i am ;wether i hide it or not im still me and you can be real people in my life and accept that or go on down the road with the other fake people cause im going to be real with me either way! life is to short to waste time covering up who i really am cuz i like who i am and if other people wanna waste their lives judging other people then its more loss forthem then me cause im enjoying life being me ;not what oters say i should be SO SCREW SOCIETY BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND BE PROUD OF THAT!!!! so says spyder420

[Mrs.F]

i dont follow all that closet stuff i mean why should i worry about the way others think of my sexuality ?it dosnt change the person i am ;wether i hide it or not im still me and you can be real people in my life and accept that or go on down the road with the other fake people cause im going to be real with me either way! life is to short to waste time covering up who i really am cuz i like who i am and if other people wanna waste their lives judging other people then its more loss forthem then me cause im enjoying life being me ;not what oters say i should be SO SCREW SOCIETY BE WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND BE PROUD OF THAT!!!! so says spyder420

I think your a lucky one for having a spouse who understands and wants to play along with you. And your right....your bisexuality doesn't change the person you are. However, it's not that easy for everyone. Not everyone's S/O is going to take it well and many people are scared of that. Judging people is wrong. I agree with that 100%. You should never judge anyone for what they like/dislike or how they handle their lives. People have many reasons for not just blurting out that they are bisexual. And because they stay in the "closet" for whatever reason does make them fake. It means there is a real fear there for them and their S/O. So don't judge people who stay in the "closet" because you don't agree with it. :2cents:

[nubian]

I am new to the site. I am a married. Married for 7years,together for 12. I have never had a sexual experience with another women but I sure would love to with my husband. I have bought the idea to him and he is NOT going for it.
To answer the question, no I am not out to anyone.

[Quasar61]

To Mrs F and JohnnyV

I agree with everything that you are saying. For me, I have chosen to be "out" with my wife only, because, of course, she has the right to know.

And as Johnny says, I feel there is just too much at stake to be wondering around looking for a Joe / Jo for a good time or a quickie. Even then, it is questionable as to whether it would be satisfying.

There is nothing for my wife to worry about. There are no thoughts about being with other people. Committment applies to everyone. Just because I say "I'm bi" does not provide a license to be promiscuous and leaving my partner behind in my wake.

The whole reason about being in a stable relationship means that you both have responsibilities to each other. There should be no searching or desire to be with another partner, however, I do acknowledge that everyone is different and have needs to be fulfilled. That is where some understanding - on both sides - is required. All of this comes back to the adage, if it feels good do it, if not, stop.

Being in a "bi" mindset means that you are free of all the usual stereotypes and at the same time introduces a whole set of new ones. Being bisexual means having to be adaptable. It means that you understand things, maybe a little too much.

Being bi does not automatically mean you are a nyphomaniac ready to leap on the first warm body that walks through the door.

Being bi means that you can accept everyone at face value, give equal judgements about everyone and everything because the prejudices and hang-ups of straights and gays alike do not apply.

Please Mrs F, find the strength and the courage to grow with your partner. Give him the support he needs, and who knows, maybe something wonderful will happen! :)

[forty]

Hi, I'm new on the boards. I told my girlfriend I was bi before we got married. I was not actively bi but I thought she needed to know. She reacted badly at first, but when I assured her that I loved her above all others she calmed down. We have been married for 16 years and she has never ever mentioned it. I have kept my feelings bottled up for years and it is very liberating to talk on these boards.

[12voltman59]

For me--I am so new to really exploring my bisexual side--or maybe it is that I am transitioning to being gay--I can't say at this point where I am at myself, therefore, at this point I have nothing to "out."

I am fortunate that I am not married so I do not face the kind of situation that Mrs. F relates in her post. I do empathize with the pain she feels due to what she has experienced.

From my discussions with others I have met online--situations such as Mrs. F's is a recurring one.

Even though I am not married, disclosure of anything other than being a died in the wool hetero will still present problems for me, problems that if depending upon how things turn--will have to be faced when I have to cross that bridge.

In my view--a person's sexual identity should be an intensly private matter and should not have any bearing on anything beyond who they chose to intimate with.

As a heterosexual, I do not flaunt my sexuality and will not flaunt if I find I am truly bi or have a fullout gay relationship. The nature of any relationship I have with either a woman or a man--is our business and no one elses.

[RainbowBright]

hi. i am new to everything. i guess i had always known that i was into women as well as men, but it took me a long time to "accept" it. it has only been 6 months or so since it have. i am married and it certainly complicated things greatly. we have been married for 10 yrs and have 3 wonderfull children. in the "out" aspect of life.. i am out to everyone with the exception of my father. he is one of thoes types of ppl that NEVER drops things that he doesnt approve of, and having been abused as a child by him.. i am not going to tell him. other than that everyone else knows - even my children. we felt that we had to tell them because when i made myself known to everyone.. hubby and i split for a few weeks.. and we thought that honesty was the best for the kids. we are back together.. but things are - to be expected - strained. i have my own set of emotions, and he has his.. and there are just areas that we cant agree upon. it will take some time and im trying to be patient.. but at the same time.. i feel what i feel.. and i cant shut it off.. and unfortunatly that just adds to things. i am looking forward to hearing and reading some more.. and to just meet people that i can talk to ..

ill be posting more in the future..

RainbowBright :tong:

[halifaxguy619]

Only out to 3 people in my life.But come New Years Eve,everybody in my life is gonna know.Why New Years?So i can make a resoultion to finally be me in front of everyone!
Once I put it out there,i can't take it back....so whatever happens....happens

[RainbowBright]

good for you!!! once we know what it is we want.. it makes life just a touch easier.

RainbowBright

[Trek7200]

I am out to my wife. I had my first experience with a guy when I was in high school. In fact I had a longer relationship with him than I did with any woman except my wife. I was upfront about it with her when we were dating and she was very understanding since she has bisexual fantasies also but doesn't feel comfortable acting on them. As far as others, none of my family,friends or co-workers has ever asked me if I was bi so I've never told them. If they asked though, I'd tell them the truth.

[bluewatermoth]

pretty much everyone knew before i moved to the statesville, nc area. now i don't hide it, it just doesn't come up very often.

but, omg, i'm such a dog sometimes. i'll be at the mall with some friends, or even boyfriends, and a hot chick will walk by and i'm walking backwards just to see her walk away. i haven't hidden it since i officially came out in high school... which is a funny story in itself if anyone wants to hear it some time :tongue:

[Biimagination]

I started 'coming out' when I was around 20. Most of my friends (almost all of whom were straight) were cool about it, and had even suspected for a while before I told them. I was lucky and didn't lose any friends over it.

Telling my family was scary, especially my parents. But, once I did, it was like a HUGE weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I never realized how much time and energy I spent worrying about it and trying to keep it a secret. My siblings are cool about it, and I've never had to "censor" myself in front of their kids (mentioning a boyfriend in casual conversation, etc). My parents aren't comfortable enough to bring it up themselves, but if it comes up in conversation with others, they do okay.

After telling my close friends and family, I didn't really feel the need to make a concerted effort to 'come out' to anyone else. I just quit worrying about changing pronouns (from he/him to she/her) when talking about guys. If people figured it out, they figured it out. If they asked, I told them. Otherwise, it was a non-issue.

I have also been 'out' at every place I have worked in the last 15 years, and feel extremely fortunate and grateful that it has never been an issue.

I grew up in a small town, so I know how difficult it can be to be open about your bisexuality. I now live in a larger city that is very accepting of GLBT people, and I am grateful for that.

[MM.bi2]

I am soooo new to discovering and accepting me that I have only told my ex (as of today) about being bi. I've questioned for years and believed I couldn't be bi because I had never met a woman I had wanted to kiss. I have struggled in hetro relationships for years. April 2005 I went to a party of an old friend and met an old friend of hers, who I fell in lust with. I had to leave becuse my children were tired and I haven't seen her since....... Only in my dreams.

I told my ex partner (as of today) about me being bi a few months after the meeting and he told me I couldn't be because I have never been with a woman. Now that I am single again I intend on finding the real me and expressing myself as I am. BI! I personally believe (as a newby) I am who I am and those who are against it aren't worth my time anyway because to love me you love all of me. :tong:

[huneypot]

Im truly shocked at the results of the post so far, i had no idea that the "out" people were in such a minority. i think i need to spend a lot of time thinking about this and the choices people make and be more respectful and understanding(although i have always tried to be).

Well for me im out so long now its old old news for me.
Im loud and proud and, well thats just me.

i do agree to a point that who should know ur sexual preferances except ur partner but

id find it much harder to find partners if i wasn't out
so i suppose thats 1 plus

there is a lifestyle also, clubs, bars, shops, coffee shops and u can really lead and enjoy a bi/gay life and encompass it into all of you and who you are and what u do

its great to be able to sit with mates in a coffee shop and have a laugh with them about sex and the usual what not
but this is me and i respect all the choices that each make
and send my love and best wishes to everyone who is struggling with this in anyway
:)

[moonlitwish]

As with my religious preference, unless it's directly relevent to the discussion, I operate on a don't ask don't tell policy. My husband knows, and has since before we got married. Although we were dating b4 I was able to admit it to myself. My family doesn't know except for my brother and neither do my coworkers at my new job. I was out at my last job, mostly b/c it was the manager (she's bi too, but didn't tell me until I came out) who helped me grow into myself and learn to accept myself as I am. Neither of us work there anymore, and there has been talk of us hooking up some time :bigrin: Wouldn't mind that at all. If anyone at my new job (or not at my job-even mom) asked, I see no reason not to tell them as I have told them of my religion and no one cared since I had previously shown my self to be a valuable asset to the company. As for my family...if they don't like it, well it's not them that has these feelings and they can kiss my a** b/c I'm the one that wakes up everyday and has to deal with attraction to both sexes. I'm the one that has her head turned by the gorgeous blonde walking through WalMart -great story there....I'm the one, not them so they can be distant if they need to, but it's not in any way gonna change how I feel. Some people say that makes me selfish, not to care how my family will react, but everyone that live under the same roof as me is ok with it(including the dog..lol) and as far as I'm concerned, if I'm not fucking you or you don't live in my house, it doesn't affect you. As for whoever said some people think when you come out, you get a license to hit on them....If I wasn't hitting on them b4, I won't be hitting on them after....and I've had to tell several people that to their faces. I tell ya, when will the lunacy end?? I think the people who's minds are too closed to accept anything but the mainstream popular consensus, create a world in their head that's always out to get them. Why don't they understand we want them to leave us alone if they don't approve of how we are born/choose to live our lives/whatever your personal situation is insert here. Who are they to judge anyway??? :2cents:

[tatooedpunk]

I agree it may not affect anyone else

[alexcou]

That is right. We keep a long relationship of 32 years as a bi couple and had had the problems of just any other couple except as regards to our sex life, we are 71 now and just enjoy life and friendship

Hi All,
No one knows about my bisexuality other than my wife and those we've enjoyed sexually.
I had known my wife for years before we were married. When my previous relationship ended for many reasons, one of them was my sexuality, I told myself that I would tell the next woman about my desire for men straight away. When my wife and I started entertaining the thought of dating, one of the first conversations was me telling her, I didn't want to waste anyone's time. She was a bit taken aback, but had to admit that she found man to man sex very stimulating for her. Obviously I was happy about this.
Her and I have enjoyed a few men and and she loves to watch me with them as I do watching these men enjoy her.
My point here is that I think there's a huge communication breakdown with couples and even though this news can be hard for some to handle, I believe it's worth the risk for one's own piece of mind. Nothing worse than having an attraction for the same sex and not being able to act upon it or worse yet even talk about it. Life is too short.
Some of the men we've had join us have wives or girlfriends that do not know and when I pose the question about why they have told them, it's a big deal and a conversation cut short. That is a shame.
I very much enjoy my sexuality and wonder why others aren't more open to the thought of it. So many more options, good times and potentially new good friends to get to know. Wouldn't have it any other way.
Thanks for listening.....

[bemyonlyone]

My family members, some friends, some coworkers, but I wouldn't call myself out by any means as there are still so many who don't know, and it's frustrating.

[dman82]

Yea I'm bi and my wife knew befor we started dating. Within the past year or so she has come out to me as being courious herself just doesn't know if she would ever try, even though she knows she has the freedom to do as she wants. I have told my family, and they all treated me like I was a child molester. It was a subconcious thing by them, but I could tell thats what they thought when I told them. Since I have been married they think that im "cured" or "that phase is over". Now I am more careful as to who I tell because I don't want someone to judge me before they know the real me. I wait untill I get to know them and if I feel they are trustworthy to know. Come to find out there are more gay les and bi people out there then I would have guessed because at least 2 of my co-workers are bi also.
So my opinion is they only need to know if you can trust them or know they are not back stabbing assholes.

[12voltman59]

Kind of a bummer about this posting---makes me sorta whistful---both that Drew hardly ever visits us and does things like this and that so many who used to be regulars are now gone---I had not realized that Arana and Michael623 don't come here anymore--that bums me more that I didn't notice that!!!

Sniff!!!

[void()]

I was going to hug Rupert Bear until I saw the posting date. Man it's been ages. I recall Rupert from when I first started visiting.

[locotom]

unfortunately im still so far in the closet that im thinking of renting an apartment in narnia?

[12voltman59]

I was going to hug Rupert Bear until I saw the posting date. Man it's been ages. I recall Rupert from when I first started visiting.

I don't know exactly what happened to Rupert--but his coming out did not go well--it seemed his wife and both her family and his basically rejected him and gave him all kinds of grief that basically lead him to a mental meltdown---I seem to recall he had even been committed to an institution because of all of that.

The thing was--he seemed to be pretty well ok mentally to me---not as bad as some we have had on here---its just that he seemed to be a "very sensitive" person and he got treated so badly by just about everyone he knew beacuse he said he was bisexual--it sorta broke his mind and spirit.

[Abbey Road]

I`m out to all my closest friends, my Mum & Brother (but not my Dad). I told 1 person at work & now they all know. It turns out some of my friends have told other people so I dont know who else knows. It turns out most people who know me or have met me think I`m bisexual or gay anyway & dont seem to mind.

Abbey Road.
:bipride::bounce::wiggle2:

[void()]

I don't know exactly what happened to Rupert--but his coming out did not go well--it seemed his wife and both her family and his basically rejected him and gave him all kinds of grief that basically lead him to a mental meltdown---I seem to recall he had even been committed to an institution because of all of that.

The thing was--he seemed to be pretty well ok mentally to me---not as bad as some we have had on here---its just that he seemed to be a "very sensitive" person and he got treated so badly by just about everyone he knew beacuse he said he was bisexual--it sorta broke his mind and spirit.

Yeah, recall that as well. Quite tragic really.

[Devin]

I have sort of a public and a private self. It is not really a secret that I am bi, though. Not to mention, I find this whole situation a bit hard.

Good question, by the way!

[Billys_gurl]

HI, I"m new here. I am a wife who just found out about 2 weeks ago (by accident) that my husband is "bi". I think your sexual preference should be a private thing. Why does everyone need to know that kind of thing. However, I DO think that if you are married, your spouse has a right to know. I am still dealing with this and at times I cry, at times I'm pissed and at times I hate his guts. We have been married 10 yrs. and together for 15 yrs. We have a 2 yr. old little boy. It really makes me mad that he didn't tell me after all these yrs. I understand that maybe he didn't feel I was mature enough when we met, but at some point there should have been a time he could have told me. Instead he lied to me for fear I would leave or kick him out. I love him to death. I think some days I love him more than I ever have. But, my mind runs wild with visions and I try so hard to not let this consume my mind 24/7. Now getting back to the answer. I would prefer NO ONE know about him, because it doesn't change the person he is. Right now to me, he's different, but in time that will heal and pass......I hope!!!
I have read everything on this site that I could to help understand and it has helped greatly. Sometimes it's not what I would like to see or hear but life is life and I"m learning something new here. And by the way, he swears everything he did was before he met me and he's never cheated on me. I'm trusting him and I hope that my trust with him will not be hurt again!

Mrs. F

I agree with you Mrs. F. In our relatioonship I am the bi one. My hubby knew a long time ago that I had other 'interests' than just him. I feel no one needs to know other than him and of course my very close and special friends here, and at the local bar where I am a non sleeping with fag hag. ALL of my male friends are gay and they all knew before I told them! Now, on to dealing with his bisexuality. It will be hard, I have no experience to speak from, but you can get through it.If you love him as much as you always have, you can do it. I speak that from experience. My husband is a cross dresser, not the same thing, I know. But the shock was the same for me as I believe it was for you when yours told you he was bi. My hubby and I were friends in high school. We lost touch, sort of, and reconnected 8 years ago. So all told we have known each other 23 years. 6 of those married, and I never had a clue. He just told me 2 monthes ago, and I am still learning to deal with some of it. I was of the mind set, not my hubby. So, I can somewhat relate to you. It will be alright. Just a side note, I have a son, his stepson, that is 11. You are right, they are still the same man we married, just a new facet has emerged. If you need a firend or shoulder, I am more than willing to listen and hash it out with you.:)